Here I am... Again.

[Ajax]

The past few days my relationship of over a year has unraveled, and today my girlfriend had me pack my things and move out.

 

I won't post a long drawn out block of text. I've been on here long enough to know how annoying those can be to read. But I'll put down some notes while it's going through my head.

 

We both wanted a marriage and a family, but to be fair I was aware of cracks in the relationship. I knew there were things about me that she'd rather I changed. Hobbies, interests, and values that she didn't seem to understand and hoped I'd grow out of.

 

I took a job that was less than I wanted so I could move in with her. I did the bulk of the cooking, cleaning, and yard work, but she made considerably more than I did, so I felt it was a fair compromise there. But I also felt that she didn't really appreciate the things I had to offer.

 

Anyway, she's been under a lot of stress lately and I guess between that and our differences, it got to be just too much. Despite things I've always loved her and felt we could make things work. She disagreed.

 

Like I said, I've been on LS a long time. This isn't the first breakup that these forums have helped me get through. I know to go NC. I've done it before and I can do it again. I know I'll be okay.

 

It just hurts right now. It's still raw and I miss her. And I don't know how my life is going to look anymore.

[Ajax]

Now that it's night time and I'm alone with my thoughts... I just feel awful. Fighting back the tears and wondering if there's any way out of this mess. We're both in our thirties and it just seems like we should be beyond this type of dynamic by now.

 

I'm afraid of what tomorrow will bring now. I'll go to work, but instead of driving to her house (which I still consider "home") I'll have to drive an hour to my parents house and commute for an indefinite length of time.

 

I'm afraid that I won't hear from her. Or if I do it'll just be some check in to see how I'm doing.

 

She wasn't emotionless, as sometimes happens. She seemed genuinely sorry to see me go, but at the same time putting the onus of the relationship's failure on me. Granted, I gave up a lot and did work hard, but yeah, I feel like I failed. Failed to live up to her expectations and my own potential. Failed to make my own needs understood. And even though there were times when I was burned out or at my wit's end with her, I failed to protect what I had right in front of me. I just massively failed.

 

But so did she. She failed to accept certain aspects of me that many people would actually consider strengths. She failed to see that differences in perspectives aren't automatically wrong. She failed to see the work I actually did to make our life better.

 

We both failed at certain things in the relationship, but I don't think it was fatally wounded. But I also know that I'm a much more reflective person than she is, and she may not pay it a second thought.

 

I know I can keep from contacting her, but God how I want her to call me tomorrow and say she made a mistake and that we can work it out.

 

I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight. I just can't stop my mind.

Edited October 15, 2014 by Ajax

[me85]

Im sorry to hear you're going through yet another BU. Hugs!

 

Do you take breaks between RSs?

 

I've had to move out in all three of my serious RSs. I lived with them. It really sucks when you live with the person. Because it truly feels like you have to start your life completely over again.

[Ajax]

Im sorry to hear you're going through yet another BU. Hugs!

 

Do you take breaks between RSs?

 

I've had to move out in all three of my serious RSs. I lived with them. It really sucks when you live with the person. Because it truly feels like you have to start your life completely over again.

 

Yes, I take breaks between relationships. Before this last one started it had been a year. And a year between that and the previous as well. I don't jump in and out of relationships lightly.

 

Yeah I do feel like I'm at square one. She wanted me to take my current job because it would allow me to move to where she was. It doesn't pay very much, but she said we'd find a way to make it work and it would help me find another one in my field. I guess it didn't happen as quickly as she was hoping for.

 

Right now though I really just miss being with her. And while we both had shortcomings, I didn't have her up on a pedestal, I feel like I should have been more vocal with my feelings. While I did tell her, I'd hoped my actions spoke for themselves, and I guess it wasn't enough. And now it seems it's too late.

 

What did you find helped you in moving on when you had to "start your life over?"

Edited October 15, 2014 by Ajax

[me85]

Maybe there's still a chance for you two to try again in the future but for now you just have to live like there's not.

 

Things that helped me?

 

Going on trips.

Hanging out with friends and family.

Being alone when I needed to be.

Not repressing my feelings.

Scouting new places to move to.

Planning to move there.

Building a road to a new life.

Being inspired to change my way of thinking and how I felt.

Taking things as they come...not worrying with all the what ifs.

Not holding on to hope to get back with my ex.

[me85]

Oh and lots of laughter. Gota keep smiling no matter how much it hurts.

[Ajax]

Maybe there's still a chance for you two to try again in the future but for now you just have to live like there's not.

 

Things that helped me?

 

Going on trips.

Hanging out with friends and family.

Being alone when I needed to be.

Not repressing my feelings.

Scouting new places to move to.

Planning to move there.

Building a road to a new life.

Being inspired to change my way of thinking and how I felt.

Taking things as they come...not worrying with all the what ifs.

Not holding on to hope to get back with my ex.

 

Thanks for the advice and moral support! I think here at Breakup Ground Zero it's a little too soon for me to give up the hope of getting back together. I've been through tough breakups before, but not with someone I lived with. I know that breakups feel like the end of the world but aren't actually.

 

But that's just it, right now it does feel like the end of the world. And in a way it is the end of my world as I know it right now.

 

I've been trying to rest, but everything feels so wrong.

[mtnbiker3000]

You've been around a while. You're no rookie. You yourself stated you saw cracks in the RS. What other outcome could have possibly occurred?

 

Take this time to work on your own issues as to why you get into pre-failed relationships. That is the real issue at hand!!!

 

And... take care!!!

[Ajax]

You've been around a while. You're no rookie. You yourself stated you saw cracks in the RS. What other outcome could have possibly occurred?

 

Take this time to work on your own issues as to why you get into pre-failed relationships. That is the real issue at hand!!!

 

And... take care!!!

 

I'm not sure cracks imply inevitable failure. And the first year or so was the best relationship I've ever been in.

 

But I'm pretty sure I'm on track for an existential crisis. I'm not in a good place right now, and I think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

 

I'm stayed with some friends and only got a couple hours of sleep. I woke us thinking I was still "home," and had a mini breakdown when I realized I'm not going back there. I couldn't get back to sleep.

[Ajax]

So it's been about a week and a half since the breakup, and I've had some ups and downs, but I've been able to maintain NC. But going trough the process never gets any easier emotionally. I'm just better at it mentally.

 

It's still crushing how someone with whom you shared so many good memories can cut you out so quickly and completely. It hurts. In times past I'd have written every detail, analyzed every nuance of things she'd said, hoping beyond hope that she'd return to me. But experience teaches you that it's not going to happen. Experience keeps you from doing stupid things, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

I still cry sometimes. Still can't sleep and my appetite's pretty much shot. I made an appointment to see a therapist, something I've never done before. I know that I'll be okay again eventually, but I just don't know how I'm going to get there. I can't see through the fog.

[Ajax]

Well I went and did it. Broke NC after all. Friday I got this email:

 

"Hi Ajax,

 

How are you doing? I'm doing ok, but it's been a hard week for me. It was nice to visit with Kate and Marc in Boston but hard to be there on my own. Getting through the days one at a time. Even knowing this is the right decision for me doesn't mean I don't miss you and think about you often.

 

Talk to you soon,

EX"

 

It stung. I'd been thinking about writing her a letter, so I did. I'd had one unfolding in my head for days, so I took some time to put pen to paper and wrote out a page long heartfelt letter. I was kind. Got some things out that I'd been holding onto for a while. Apologized for my part in what happened. I dropped it in the mail Friday night, so she should get it today or tomorrow.

 

Yesterday she sent me a text asking how I was, but I let it go. I'd rather talk after she gets the letter, if she wants to.

 

I know a lot of people would have advised against sending it. I've even advised people not to make contact. And while I know closure comes from within, this feels like something that I had to do to get to closure. I'm not there yet, but certain things had to be said, and I've said them.

 

So now I'm conflicted about where to go from here. I'm still hurting and tempted to pull up stakes and move out of state. But I recently found out my sister and her husband are expecting their first child. My friends and family are here.

 

I think, as always, it's going to take time to see how the dust settles. And waiting is hard.

[Ajax]

I got a reply to my letter. She emailed me. She didn't really say anything I didn't already know. She felt that we had trouble communicating and that I had pushed her away. She doesn't think we can get back to how we used to be.

 

So that's that. Now I need to make some changes in my life. I think a major reason I stopped communicating was stress. I'm certified to teach, but took a job as an aide in a high needs school so I could move where she is. It doesn't pay much, and I spend my days being sworn at and having chairs thrown at me. While I remained calm under pressure at school, I didn't handle it as well on the home front.

 

So I need to get that straightened out. And I need a new job, one that is sustainable. I'm pretty much willing to move anywhere now. If anyone knows of a school district hiring, let me know. I'm open to just about anything now.

[Ajax]

I've spent the weekend applying to jobs out of state. This breakup's rough and I don't see myself getting over it quickly, but it feels good thinking about starting over somewhere new. I wish I could afford a trip somewhere now. Buying a plain ticket and going to The Rockies or San Francisco would do me good.

[MistaYates]

I've spent the weekend applying to jobs out of state. This breakup's rough and I don't see myself getting over it quickly, but it feels good thinking about starting over somewhere new. I wish I could afford a trip somewhere now. Buying a plain ticket and going to The Rockies or San Francisco would do me good.

 

Im in my twenties, so your a bit older than me. But just know your not alone. God it hurts like hell. I wouldnt wish the kind of pain from a breakup with the love of your life, upon my worst enemy.

 

Just know it could have been worse. She could have left you for another man that day. She could have had issues with an ex boyfriend, and you would be paranoid everyday on them talking. That was my issue.

 

Me and my girl broke up soooooooo many times, it was pathetic how many times i went back. But i was a stray dog, she would beg for me back, and id come running. This was all because her ex didnt want her at the time, and she wanted someone to keep her company. THAT WAS ME! =D As sad as it is, i knew she was using me, but it got to a point where i didnt care, i loved her so much and i felt like i needed her in my life. So i ALLOWED her to mistreat me. I would always be the dumper because i would get tired of her talking to the ex, but then id come back because i feel guilty.

 

So one night we make a promise. I say "You stop talking to your ex, and i promise not to leave you". Simple as that. We shook hands, and it was like business. I felt like everything was good and we were going to actually be happy. Turns out the same night we make that promise, she lied to me that she was going out of town the next day to see her grandmother.

 

Instead, i find out she went to Halloween Horror Nights with her ex. Its funny too, because even after i found out, and how mad i was, i was still willing to forgive her and keep going.

 

So she says, "Why do you love me after all i've done to you"

 

Basically saying one of two things here. Either shes realizing what shes doing, and shes sorry, and is confused on why i still want to be with her. Shes sorry for her lies and she says she doesnt deserve me.. or TWO, shes letting me down nicely, because she knows the ex boyfriend is back in her life, and shes going back to him now. Lol..

 

But, i just wanted to share my experience. Just know that you arent alone. It could have been worse, ALOT worse. But it still hurts like hell. It will continue to hurt like hell, and theres nothing you can do but wait for it to go away, and try to move on. Its just one of those things that wont leave.

 

Honestly, after the letter, call it quits now, dont contact her anymore. The more you bring back feelings, the more it will hurt, and the harder it will be to get rid of it.

Edited November 2, 2014 by MistaYates

[Ajax]

 

Honestly, after the letter, call it quits now, dont contact her anymore. The more you bring back feelings, the more it will hurt, and the harder it will be to get rid of it.

 

Yes, I plan to maintain radio silence now. I still haven't gotten closure, but I said my peace. There's nothing I can say or do to repair things. Just move on.

 

The problem with that is the uncertainty I'm feeling about everything else in my life. My job's a joke, I'm broke, my love life's DOA. It's like I'm stuck in second gear. It hasn't been my day, my month... or even my year. (I heard that somewhere )

 

My gut's telling me I need to make a leap. Get out of Dodge. But every day is agonizingly slow, and I don't see much on the horizon.

[Ajax]

It's been almost a month post breakup. And while it's still not easy, I haven't been standing still. I've been working with a therapist on some things I'd like to improve, and I have two interviews lined up for better jobs. I'm thinking about shaving my beard off for the first time in three years, and getting some new clothes too. I'm trying to change things up.

[Mi7522]

It's been almost a month post breakup. And while it's still not easy, I haven't been standing still. I've been working with a therapist on some things I'd like to improve, and I have two interviews lined up for better jobs. I'm thinking about shaving my beard off for the first time in three years, and getting some new clothes too. I'm trying to change things up.

 

Do it! You'll feel so much better. Change is good just embrace it!

[Els]

Hi Ajax,

 

I remember your old thread. The one where your dream job was something like only a 45 minute commute away and you said she was pressuring you hard not to take it, if I recall correctly?

 

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out, but IMO in the long run you'd be better off without a partner like that. We all have to make compromises for Rs to work out for the long term, and it sounds like you were the only person making any of those. She sounded selfish to me, when I read your other thread.

 

I'm glad you're now able to apply for jobs wherever you wish, and propel yourself forward in your career. Focus on the positives, stay strong, maintain NC, etc.

 

All the best!

[Ajax]

Hi Ajax,

 

I remember your old thread. The one where your dream job was something like only a 45 minute commute away and you said she was pressuring you hard not to take it, if I recall correctly?

 

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out, but IMO in the long run you'd be better off without a partner like that. We all have to make compromises for Rs to work out for the long term, and it sounds like you were the only person making any of those. She sounded selfish to me, when I read your other thread.

 

I'm glad you're now able to apply for jobs wherever you wish, and propel yourself forward in your career. Focus on the positives, stay strong, maintain NC, etc.

 

All the best!

 

That's the one, Elswyth. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the job that was in question never became open anyway. So I didn't actually lose it because of her. But we know what would have happened if it had been.

[Ajax]

One interview down, and I think I did as well as I could have. That being said, the rest of the day I had a hard time not thinking about my ex. Most of the time I've been able to keep myself distracted with other things, but today I think I was out of mental energy to stop my thoughts from drifting to her.

 

I miss her today. That's the bottom line.

[Mr.Pine]

One interview down, and I think I did as well as I could have. That being said, the rest of the day I had a hard time not thinking about my ex. Most of the time I've been able to keep myself distracted with other things, but today I think I was out of mental energy to stop my thoughts from drifting to her.

 

I miss her today. That's the bottom line.

 

Ajax, my fellow LS anguished brother. I feel your pain. I, too, was in your place about 9 months ago. In one week I lost the girl, the apartment, my job and my cat. Brutal. Funny though, it feels like 9 years ago.

 

Each time I attempt to drudge up her face, all I can muster is a silhouette and a pair of blue eyes. Nothing else. The first month, I recalled every nook and cranny on her face. Well, there were many nooks and crannies...the beeyotch was turning 50 at the time.

 

Why am I rattling off a story about me and my past woes and not concentrating on yours? Simple. Today, 9 months later, I have a new job, new girl and a new outlook on life.

 

There will ALWAYS be someone else. Maybe with eyes not so blue, or a silhouette not so fetching, but there WILL be someone else. No ONE person is worth pining over or what-if-ing or what-could-have-been-ing.

 

You'll be fine, brah. I promise.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Mr.Pine

[broken-and-lost]

Ajax

 

Sorry to see you back on here m8 i was on here back in 2010 about the sametime as you and remember the name well reading your posts helped me back then.I'm not going to give you the standard line about go NC life moves on blah blahblah but you know you can move on and meet other people you have, ok it's notworked out again but at some point things will move on right??

 

Best thing to do right now is focus on getting the job you want hell move ifthat helps focus on you again that's when things happen and change, it did forme and it did for you back then focusing on the ex just keeps you in pain

 

Get out of Dodge pick your ass up off the floor go out there and get what isyours by right no one has the right to hold you back or cause you this muchpain again dude EX is EX for reason get moving don't spend another two years on here thinking about what went wrong

and dwelling on it only thing you'll lose is more time in your life that you should be using to explore your life and the world around you

Edited November 13, 2014 by broken-and-lost

[Ajax]

Ajax

 

Sorry to see you back on here m8 i was on here back in 2010 about the sametime as you and remember the name well reading your posts helped me back then.I'm not going to give you the standard line about go NC life moves on blah blahblah but you know you can move on and meet other people you have, ok it's notworked out again but at some point things will move on right??

 

Best thing to do right now is focus on getting the job you want hell move ifthat helps focus on you again that's when things happen and change, it did forme and it did for you back then focusing on the ex just keeps you in pain

 

Get out of Dodge pick your ass up off the floor go out there and get what isyours by right no one has the right to hold you back or cause you this muchpain again dude EX is EX for reason get moving don't spend another two years on here thinking about what went wrong

and dwelling on it only thing you'll lose is more time in your life that you should be using to explore your life and the world around you

 

I'm doing my best to get my life where I want it. It's a slog though. I know so many people who have it worse than me and would trade places with me in an instant. I try to keep perspective. And I know I'll move on and things will be better. I have been here before and come out of it. But knowing that intellectually doesn't make it hurt less.

 

My therapist hit on some key things. Basically, I have an anxiety disorder, something that I knew about. For a long time under normal circumstances I could keep it in check. But as stresses in my relationship and at work piled up without me dealing with them effectively, my mental resources were depleted. Rather than assess things and communicate my feelings and wants effectively, I went into fight or flight mode. My default apparently is flight, and so rather than deal with whatever was stressing me out, I shut down and stopped communicating properly. I tried to avoid the discomfort of a conflict even though stepping up and facing it would have been the better course to take.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Ajax

[jbear0111]

Ajax

I am a newbie on here as like you struggling to cope and move on.Similarly to you I was getting alot of pressure from my ex,whom I fell head over heels in love with in a very short space of time as did she (allegedly) with me.

 

Everything seemed to be on her terms and at times I couldnt say no because I was desparate not to lose her as I thought I had found the "one".

 

We were the archetypal push and pull couple,both stubborn until one of us would give in and we'd get back together until the same arguments arose,primarily that she wanted to see that I was commited to her by moving in with her and putting a ring on her finger(this was all within the 1st year)

 

I even recall a text conversation I had with her,she asked if i was moving in or not and I replied no with her response ok"dont ever contact me again".I crumbled and a couple of hours later said I would and her response "I love you".Conditional or what,I could see it but I couldnt let go when I should have done.

 

Long story short,we broke up 7 weeks back( just over 2 years together) when she said she wanted to go to buy an engagement ring with me and I said,i'd want to do the surprise thing,She wouldnt have that and said i'm terrified of commitment and walked out and ive been trying to move on ever since

 

I am going to see a therapist at weekend as like you,im over analyzing everything over and over and cant get her out of my head and as usual still put her on that goddamn pedestal.

 

I'm determined to get through this one way or another and hope yo do too

 

Good luck

[Magnet]

Hi, reading your experiences, it seems you gave a lot to your ex, and she didn't give as much back.

 

Why is that? Why did you give? If it was a truly selfless thing, why are you talking about it? I remember feeling bitter that I'd given so much and got so little in return.

 

I now realise the real reason I am angry is that I spent my time trying to please my ex when I secretly wanted to please myself.

 

Also, you feel you failed- well there are no failures, only experiences. It's only a waste if you don't learn from it.

 

Have you read 'No More Mr Nice Guy'? I highly recommend it.

 

I read it and I realise I have just been saying and doing things to make people happy- not make ME happy. I get depressed when I'm not being myself and I get anxious when I care too much what other people think.