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Summary

Long story short - we broke up last year at the start of my house arrest. She came back 3 or so months later. Started dating again around 4.5 months (late January). Official on my birthday in July. We broke up this past weekend.

 

Background

She moved to Florida for work for 3 months (july-sept). I had knee surgery and she came to visit me early August. After that, I could sense something was off. She said after a week she was worried she missed her period. It came, things went back to normal, then a few weeks later things seemed off, right before I came to visit her (early Sept). She said it was because she loves it in Florida and realizing she didn't get to complete all she wanted to and got depressed. I had a great visit with her. Then the rest of the September things were really off.

 

She was offered a job that she would love to take, but is almost certain she isn't due to other circumstances. Stress from school (taking two grad courses), projects with work, and her last week of work. She said she was very stressed from all this. I could understand everything, but still didn't seem right. Picked her up at the airport last Friday, things seemed OK. I threw her a surprise party the following day at a winery - it was fantastic. We both/all enjoyed it. Then back to being weird again.

 

The Breakup

I went to visit her on Friday and it seemed OK. Saturday, seemed off. I brought it up. She said she wasn't happy with herself. She said ever since her bff got engaged early August, she just hasn't been happy with herself. She said she is confused about her life and her future and feels like she should be happier like before. I asked her if that included me, and she said yes. We talked about the job offer. She said she most likely isn't going to take it. I encouraged her to because it made her happy and she loved doing it

 

She said "I love you and don't want you to go. I don't want to breakup with you. You make me the happiest person in the world, I love you to death, I don't know what the **** is wrong with me and whats wrong with my head. I've never been so happy in my entire life from January until that point (engagement). It was like after that (engagement) I just couldn't get happy any more, and it doesn't make sense because what made me happy before didn't, but I know I should feel that way (happy like before) because that has always been the case". It was really confusing how she explained it. Essentially, I made her happiest ever. Then she questioned her happiness and herself. The things that MADE her happy, still did, but felt like there should be more, didn't know she felt that way - when she knows they DO make her happy, just as much as before, but feels NOW she should be happier.

 

I told her she needs to talk to a therapist about why she isn't happy and why this one thing caused her to question her life. She said she had that thought and planned on it before I brought it up. I asked her a question (I forget what it was, prob. something like do you want to work on things). No answer after 10 seconds so I got up without saying anything packed my stuff and went to walk out. She stopped me and begged me to sit and continue talking. So I did. We talked more. She said she "I know I can't breakup with you because I know that that would mean for us. I know I will regret it when I figure out what is wrong with me and not be able to come back because you already gave me my last chance"

 

We went inside and talked some more. After about 4 hours of talking, it came to the point where we agreed to work on things. She then asked me to leave so she can think about things and process everything we talked about (and see her bff who she hasn't seen in a while and blew off because I came down the prior night). I was shocked. I went to shower to think, she went to read some things I asked her to (my thoughts on paper that I would right while at work).

 

She asked me to give her until Thursday to process things. I said I hate ultimatums, but I said I don't believe in breaks. She said she knows and said this is what she needs - time to reflect and process everything we talked about. I reluctantly said take your 4 days. Went to leave, then came back and was like WTF...no. Same discussion, again, gave her the 4 days. I went to my car and called my cousin to chat. After 30-45 mins I went back to her house (she had left). I called her and gave her the ultimatum. In summary, I told her that Either we work on things together as a couple, or, that's it. She said "I guess were breaking up then". I told her I loved her and wished her luck. She said the same. All in all, we talked for about 5-6 hours.

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I think what gets me the most is this:

 

I WANT to be there for her to help her, just like I want her to be there for me to help me with dealing with my brother’s death. We both agreed, we love each other and want to be there for each other.

 

I KNOW she loves me. I have no doubt about that. I KNOW there is no other guy in her life. I just feel hopeless. I want to be there for her and help her through whatever she is going through. It was essentially the same thing last time, she wasn’t happy. Her whole life she’s been raised by parents who were hard on her, A’s but not A+’s in school.

 

I know I can’t help her. As a guy, I hate that. I want to fix things. But, she essentially forced my hand. I truly believe that when she said she needs time until Thursday when I was supposed to see her again (5 days) to think and process things, it was to muster up the courage to break up with me – because she knew I didn’t want to breakup. She said several times she doesn’t want to breakup because she knows what it’ll mean for us and there would be no more chances for her when she KNOWS she will regret it when she figures herself out.

 

 

She made me do it. And I hate that, I hate the fact that I was more or less forced to do something I didn’t….but, I know it had to be done. I still hope that she figures herself out and comes back. I know I can’t do that right now. But we both agree that there is more to us, than for her to just be there for my brothers funeral. I still love her. I know she still loves me. I just hate that I can’t do anything else about it.

Edited by xUnknown
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This is tough, but she basically declined when you wanted to work on things as a couple. I don't understand that at all. She says she doesn't want to break up but doesn't want to work on things together. You had no choice.

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This is tough, but she basically declined when you wanted to work on things as a couple. I don't understand that at all. She says she doesn't want to break up but doesn't want to work on things together. You had no choice.

 

I know. I believe it was because she said that I deserve way more than what she has been giving me, because of how unhappy she is. She didn't want to break up because she didn't want to lose that chance of being able to come back when she figures herself out.

 

I want to reach out so bad. Invite her to sit and talk it over on Thursday...even if the results don't change...maybe get some more insight...

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Nice to see you X, but under better circumstances.....

 

I think insight is all you can get at the moment. Try to understand what is happening. She sounds terribly lost but you seem like a rock for her. But you need a rock too mate.

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I know. I believe it was because she said that I deserve way more than what she has been giving me, because of how unhappy she is. She didn't want to break up because she didn't want to lose that chance of being able to come back when she figures herself out.

 

I want to reach out so bad. Invite her to sit and talk it over on Thursday...even if the results don't change...maybe get some more insight...

 

I think that's a crappy reason for not wanting to breakup. The reason should be because she wants to be with you, commit to a future, and she loves you so much that she can't imagine being without you.

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I think that's a crappy reason for not wanting to breakup. The reason should be because she wants to be with you, commit to a future, and she loves you so much that she can't imagine being without you.

 

I know, but I stressed to her before that this was her only chance. There is no more. I understand why she couldn't in that respect. Because if she had, there absolutely would have been no way. Essentially, she couldn't do it herself, so she made me do it.

 

I understand you cant make someone else happy if you're not happy with yourself. I understand that, and so does she. I think that's why she wanted things to end.

 

She knew no matter what, until she figured herself out, I would still end up being hurt. I started having heath issues too because of the past few weeks of things being off (sleep, anxiety, loss of appetite).

 

She does want to be there for me. She expressed that several times, but I know she also knew she couldn't have both (us there for each other, while she needs to work on herself)

 

I walked out, bag in hand, she started crying and asking me to come back and not to do this. I told her I didn't know what else to do. She said lets talk, I thought we were talking and didn't know you were looking for an answer.

 

Its like, she saw me leave, regretted it. Then we went through it all again, but this time she knew I needed to do it.

Edited by xUnknown
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it seems like between the pregnancy scare and the engagement she started to question if she wanted to be with just you for the rest of her life.

 

She seems like a genuine good person and she doesn't seem to be deceiving you but almost as if she is getting the same kind of cold feet that people get before they get married.

 

With social media(where everything from their friends seems amazing) and all these books and movies that show women being swept off their feet by some perfect man I think it makes women think that by settling for the average or even above average Joe just still means they are selling themselves short.

 

This also could be her just totally confused about her life and where she wants to be or what she wants to do and has nothing at all to do with you but just being with you is clouding her judgement.

 

My ex did kinda the same thing with me and for a year I blamed myself for not being good enough. But she ran off to NYC to find happiness. I don't know if she found it but it really breaks your heart to let someone you love go and spread their wings.

 

You do seem very in tuned with how things work tho and you know that there is nothing you can do for her at this point. It has to be her own struggle.

 

One other thought I have is maybe she was looking for you to tell her that you love her and will either wait for her or take her back later.

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it seems like between the pregnancy scare and the engagement she started to question if she wanted to be with just you for the rest of her life.

 

You do seem very in tuned with how things work tho and you know that there is nothing you can do for her at this point. It has to be her own struggle.

One other thought I have is maybe she was looking for you to tell her that you love her and will either wait for her or take her back later.

 

Actually, after their engagement when she and I were skyping we actually started talking and looking at some rings online. I told her that at one point this would have scared me, but, it doesn't anymore. She was thrilled about that. Because we both mentioned we could see each other in our lives like that.

 

She does seem confused. I asked her about the future (marriage ect), if she still sees me in her plan that we set out in May before getting offical again. It involved me moving to be with her. She said she didn't know because she was so confused about now and where she sees her life going.

 

That is another reason why I want to talk with her on Thursday. Did she want me to say that I'd wait for her to figure herself out? Want me to tell her I'd take her back later. I don't know. She was definitely pushing me back recently. She didn't even want me to visit her on Friday, so she could see her friends and go out. She said she wanted her own time - whereas normally she would invite me along so I would be with her.

 

I still want to talk to her on Thursday.

"I understand more than likely nothing will change between us, but I'd still like to sit down and talk with you on Thursday when you're home."

--Thoughts on that?

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Am I the "Dumper" or "Dumpee" here? Who goes to who if they want to give things another shot? Last time it was clear she needed to. But now, I'm not sure given this situation. I feel like it would be her that would need to come back to me, but then again, I was technically the dumper... I gave her the ultimatum, she made the choice.

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Am I the "Dumper" or "Dumpee" here? Who goes to who if they want to give things another shot? Last time it was clear she needed to. But now, I'm not sure given this situation. I feel like it would be her that would need to come back to me, but then again, I was technically the dumper... I gave her the ultimatum, she made the choice.

 

This woman is a spitting image of my current girlfriend. It's almost a road map of exactly what I went through... only in my case there was an ex boyfriend in the loop and she stepped out on me with him. *Note* We are still together and things are going extremely well with us.

 

In regards to the "litmus test" that was mentioned above, I agree 100%. She may have been trying to see if you would be there for her when she unwinds her head. In my case, I told my gf that I would do whatever it took to work with her through it as long as she was completely 100% open and honest with me. I then backed waaaay off from her and allowed her to chew on her emotions. At first I threw the Ultimatum of "we are a couple and need to work on it together" line and it back-fired hard. She stated exactly what your gf did, "I guess we are broken up".

 

You technically *are* the dumper. In a sense, you have no "play" as she could shed the "weight" of you off her shoulder with no guilt at play. In my case, when the Ultimatum back-fired, and I walked, I took a few days to myself and composed a quick but thoughtful text to her letting her know that my emotions had got the better of me, and I was, as I said, willing to do what was needed to allow her the time to process. I then backed off.

 

She began to open up shortly there after, and we have been absolutely fantastic since then. Live your life in the meantime. She may just come around as she seems like a good person, who is very, very, confused...

 

If she can be completely honest with you, and you can kind of step back, you may be able to salvage this. Just remember, that *you* come first and it will take some work on your part (you need to back down and not analyze *anything*). Trust me, It ain't easy! :-)

Edited by frigginlost
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You technically *are* the dumper. In a sense, you have no "play" as she could shed the "weight" of you off her shoulder with no guilt at play. In my case, when the Ultimatum back-fired, and I walked, I took a few days to myself and composed a quick but thoughtful text to her letting her know that my emotions had got the better of me, and I was, as I said, willing to do what was needed to allow her the time to process. I then backed off.

 

If she can be completely honest with you, and you can kind of step back, you may be able to salvage this. Just remember, that *you* come first and it will take some work on your part (you need to back down and not analyze *anything*). Trust me, It ain't easy! :-)

 

I saw it as the same. She wanted me to break up with her so I would hold the guilt - not her. I sent you a PM. I'm thinking about doing something similar to what you have. I figured if the breakup was for good, she would have deleted the picture of us from facebook and unfriended me. She did delete me off snapchat though, but nothing else.

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There isn't any reason why you shouldn't talk to her on thursday. But be prepared she might reject you and refuse.

 

You know... my experience taught me that when things are so heavy, it helps to make them easier. If you want to meet her on thursday, ask her on thursday.

 

She probably can't deal with any heavy or major decisions right now, and no wonder that when you try to force her to be decisive, you achieve nothing. She speaks a whole different language.

 

If you want to support her, you can do it by just supporting. She has to dig into her soul, to find out things about herself, and only then, she can focus on you.

 

Everything i'm saying is in one condition - that there isn't (as you mentioned) anyone else (male) involve.

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There isn't any reason why you shouldn't talk to her on thursday. But be prepared she might reject you and refuse.

 

You know... my experience taught me that when things are so heavy, it helps to make them easier. If you want to meet her on thursday, ask her on thursday.

 

She probably can't deal with any heavy or major decisions right now, and no wonder that when you try to force her to be decisive, you achieve nothing. She speaks a whole different language.

 

If you want to support her, you can do it by just supporting. She has to dig into her soul, to find out things about herself, and only then, she can focus on you.

 

Everything i'm saying is in one condition - that there isn't (as you mentioned) anyone else (male) involve.

 

I think Wednesday I will at some point send her a text. I thought about writing a letter, but idk, that may be a bit much. I think I'll mention that I still would like to talk with her Thursday, but also mention that if not, I am here for her to help support her through her struggles (as friggenlost mentioned).

 

There isn't anyone else involved. There is only one person that it could be (guy she dated before after we broke up) and I brought that up Saturday. She came clean again, and told me the whole story. 2 days, nothing else, saw him only as a friend. They are still friends, but that's it. He lives in Cali.

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I think Wednesday I will at some point send her a text. I thought about writing a letter, but idk, that may be a bit much. I think I'll mention that I still would like to talk with her Thursday, but also mention that if not, I am here for her to help support her through her struggles (as friggenlost mentioned).

 

You know the best way to approach her, but i strongly advise you to concentrate on the moment. Ask her out for a cafe, or lunch, or dinner, THATS IT!! Very casual, very small.

 

And in the meeting don't talk about her problems, or yours. Don't talk about problems at all. Don't talk too much about "I'm here for you". Let her figure it out by herself. try to enjoy the meeting, enjoy the company, without the feeling that everything is so Fateful.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. Obviously, I want to reach out. But also, I can't help but feel that she wanted me to do the breaking up. Her words tell me that she didn't, still loved me and wanted me in her life. But, she also started pushing me away when she got confused after their engagement and wasn't sure where her life was headed. I'm just not sure what the right thing to do is in this situation. Reach out and try to see if she'll meet, so she knows I'm still there for her - or push ahead without her.

 

I feel like if she was so distraught about me ending it, she would have said something - a text, a call...something. But then again, she knows it wouldn't be fair for me. She expected me to break up with her...but is that what she wanted? It didn't seem like it based off what she said.

Edited by xUnknown
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Thanks everyone for your replies. Obviously, I want to reach out. But also, I can't help but feel that she wanted me to do the breaking up. Her words tell me that she didn't, still loved me and wanted me in her life. But, she also started pushing me away when she got confused after their engagement and wasn't sure where her life was headed. I'm just not sure what the right thing to do is in this situation. Reach out and try to see if she'll meet, so she knows I'm still there for her - or push ahead without her.

 

I feel like if she was so distraught about me ending it, she would have said something - a text, a call...something. But then again, she knows it wouldn't be fair for me. She expected me to break up with her...but is that what she wanted? It didn't seem like it based off what she said.

 

maybe she is just bumping into walls, and has no clear intention. Any attempt to analyze her in that period seems a waste of time. Probably she hasn't any "message" or a "hidden truth" that she's not telling you.

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maybe she is just bumping into walls, and has no clear intention. Any attempt to analyze her in that period seems a waste of time. Probably she hasn't any "message" or a "hidden truth" that she's not telling you.

 

In a sense, then she "doesn't want to breakup, knows she can't ask for a break, and is confused about where her life is headed, loves me and knows I make her happy, is ****ed in the head, unhappy with herself, will regret asking me for a break" everything at face value says "she doesn't know what she wants but knows she loves me"

 

I most likely will end up giving her a call tonight. We hate texting, I figure if I call her, and tell her I'm not looking for a decision this instant if she wants to meet, it would be better than texting. Too much gets misconstrued via texting and we both hate it. If she doesn't pick up, I'd follow up with a text.

Edited by xUnknown
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This is pretty complicated X. If we can say you are technically the dumper then we could apply the rules so often talked about here on LS. IE, on no account should the dumpee make any effort etc etc. But i don`t feel this applies in your case. You both are able to be in each others presence and thrash out things. Your meetings are long and you must broach all the crucial subjects regarding the RS. You two are to me, very much still in a RS. There seems to be a bit missing though. She does not want you to walk out but something deep inside her is wary of you. This is probably natural after what you both went through. I don`t think she is testing you in anyway. I think the ultimatum was wrong, these rarely work. I guess i think the reverse is opposite in your case. Which may seem strange of me to say but i have followed your posts on LS and we joined around the same time and supported each other in our mutual disasters. I think you have a real shot at this. Offer the support, be unconditional with that. If she needs to clear and sort her head then you seem to be the one who can be with her as she does that. I don`t believe she wants to lose you, it seems like she is wanting to bank on you, that you are the one? As `Frigginlost`, says, over thinking things is not needed now. This is one of those which can be salvaged and i wish you the very best luck my friend.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. Obviously, I want to reach out. But also, I can't help but feel that she wanted me to do the breaking up. Her words tell me that she didn't, still loved me and wanted me in her life. But, she also started pushing me away when she got confused after their engagement and wasn't sure where her life was headed. I'm just not sure what the right thing to do is in this situation. Reach out and try to see if she'll meet, so she knows I'm still there for her - or push ahead without her.

 

I feel like if she was so distraught about me ending it, she would have said something - a text, a call...something. But then again, she knows it wouldn't be fair for me. She expected me to break up with her...but is that what she wanted? It didn't seem like it based off what she said.

 

I'm really perplexed by the entire thing. Here is what I see in a nutshell. She became confused about what she wanted long term, and that upset you. So you confronted her about her confusion, and it all snowballed from there. Does that sound accurate?

 

I do think that giving the ultimatum was not good because people almost never respond well to them. People usually recoil form an ultimatum. The person receiving the ultimatum feels cornered and wants to make a decision on their own terms, not when they are backed up against a wall.

 

I'm honestly completely confused about what happened.

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I'm really perplexed by the entire thing. Here is what I see in a nutshell. She became confused about what she wanted long term, and that upset you. So you confronted her about her confusion, and it all snowballed from there. Does that sound accurate?

 

I do think that giving the ultimatum was not good because people almost never respond well to them. People usually recoil form an ultimatum. The person receiving the ultimatum feels cornered and wants to make a decision on their own terms, not when they are backed up against a wall.

 

I'm honestly completely confused about what happened.

 

Okay, so we was acting weird for past few weeks. She sent me a text that said she's confused about the future and where she is going in life. I told her we neeed to talk, she said Iwe will. I took it as her breaking up, so I called her and said she can drive to me to break up with me. She said that was never an option and didn't even think that. I drove down that night to see her. Seemed okay, but next day I went to hold her hand walking into a store. She said later when we talked that it was difficult for her to hold my hand and pretend like everything is okay, when it's not.

 

When we talked she said she loved me and I made her happier than ever and ever since her bff got engaged, questioned her happiness. Was unsure where her future was going and confused.

 

I went to walk out and leave, she stopped me and we talked more because she didn't want to break up. Talked more, essentially she asked me to leave to process everything we talked about and hang out with her close girl friend. She asked for time u til Thursday because shed see me then.

 

Reluctantly, I gave her the time, told her I didn't believe in breaks. then called and gave her the ultimatum . She said she hates being pressured like this, I told her how it was affecting ny health (stress sleep anxiety), asked her again, together or broken up,she said "I guess were broken up then"

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Okay, so we was acting weird for past few weeks. She sent me a text that said she's confused about the future and where she is going in life. I told her we neeed to talk, she said Iwe will. I took it as her breaking up, so I called her and said she can drive to me to break up with me. She said that was never an option and didn't even think that. I drove down that night to see her. Seemed okay, but next day I went to hold her hand walking into a store. She said later when we talked that it was difficult for her to hold my hand and pretend like everything is okay, when it's not.

 

When we talked she said she loved me and I made her happier than ever and ever since her bff got engaged, questioned her happiness. Was unsure where her future was going and confused.

 

I went to walk out and leave, she stopped me and we talked more because she didn't want to break up. Talked more, essentially she asked me to leave to process everything we talked about and hang out with her close girl friend. She asked for time u til Thursday because shed see me then.

 

Reluctantly, I gave her the time, told her I didn't believe in breaks. then called and gave her the ultimatum . She said she hates being pressured like this, I told her how it was affecting ny health (stress sleep anxiety), asked her again, together or broken up,she said "I guess were broken up then"

 

Something very similar to this happened to me about a year before my ex broke up with me. He had just said that he wanted to get married, but several weeks later, he came to me and said he was really confused about the future and wasn't sure anymore. I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said no. He was so happy, and he would miss me so much if I left. He even started crying, which was so unlike him.

 

Anyway, after that incident, I always had this bad feeling in the back of my mind about him. I never fully trusted him again even though he would constantly tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Your story sounds so familiar. I think that my ex knew I wasn't the one for him, but, in that moment, he was happy, and he was getting what he wanted. It's a really dangerous place to be, and your ex sounds similar.

 

Whatever she is going though, I don't think you can help her. She's basically saying that she wants to be with you right now, but she can't commit to anything in the future. Her position benefits her, but it puts you in limbo.Whatever bad feelings you have, they are there for a reason. I had those misgivings about my ex, and it was for a reason. I didn't listen to my head but instead listened to my heart because I did love him very much.

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Thanks BC for your response. I know I can't help her, and I know it wouldn't be fair to me if I wait around for her. That just isn't how it works.

 

I want to call to see if we can get together and talk some more when emotions arent running high like they were on Saturday and just see what comes of it.

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I think you jumped the gun. It seems that you have let anxiety start running the show with her again, and you created what you feared.

 

Yes, she had some doubts. But why is that threatening to you? Yes, your communication dropped off, but she's busy and in a different state, so why is that threatening to you?

 

Remember when she came back, you had thought that you'd dealt with your insecurities and moved on with life? I'm not sure that you did, because you are operating in this relationship out of fear and are waiting for the other shoe to drop, and, as this mindset tends to do, you heard what sounded like a shoe dropping and you ran for cover.

 

She was trying to be open with you about her doubts, you became threatened, went "fight or flight" and issued an ultimatum. And it ended like most ultimatums do. You created exactly what you never wanted.

 

I agree that you need to let things calm down and call her. Tell her that you weren't being supportive of her, and hearing that she had doubts was something that you took as a threat. Instead, you should have just listened to her and been there for her.

 

In the meantime, you've got to do something about your anxiety and your tendency to lose yourself in relationships.

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ThorntonMelon

You know, I'm confused here.

 

I don't see why the advice here is suggesting OP did anything wrong. His partner has created all sorts of doubt with their relationship. He asked her to simply clarify that they were going to work on it together. She refused.

 

You're screwed if you take the position you have to be there for her regardless of your status.

 

She has made it clear she wants to be broken up but wants you waiting if she wants you back. You should tell her you respect that, and if you are single and she returns you're always open to the conversation. You understand that she needs to figure herself out and that right now you can't be good for each other, and you don't take it personally, you respect her wishes, just as you expect her to respect yours.

 

No ultimatums, leave friendly, but make it clear you both need space and your follow up conversation should only be an attempt to rekindle things should it be possible in the future. Show her respect and expect it from her.

 

Good luck.

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