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Lost my girlfriend of 4 years... ...


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Hey guys..

So here's the story...

 

I met this girl while we were in university 4 years ago and we got together... During the relationship we always had fun hanging out together, and sex was always fun... We never ever quarreled during the 4 years.. And we were even discussing marriage and stuff...

 

So 6 months ago, she was sent overseas to new York to work in her company's expansion, and asked me if she should go. I told her that this was a once in a lifetime chance, and she should take the opportunity to see the world. I wanted the best for her.

 

3 months into her stint, we both met in Europe and spent 10 lovely days there together, before we went our separate ways again.

 

Two weeks ago when she came back home, I was so excited that she was back and wanted to spend. More time with her.. However, she started acting really cold.. And wouldn't even return my kisses.

 

One day she finally broke, and told me that she felt that we were no longer compatible, we had no common friends and no common interests, and that she wanted to be alone for awhile.. I'm thinking that new York showed her a side of life and freedom she has never experienced, and probably likes it. She told me that she feels less tired being without me.

 

. I couldn't accept her reasons, and during the first week after the breakup, we met up thrice to talk about us... She mentioned some other issues with the relationship and I promised to work on it and change, but she refused to give us a second chance, and told me that she really needs some time to be alone.. I guess at that point I really wanted to give her what she wanted, some time alone, and told her we should probably not contact each other for a month. She gladly accepted it, and said that it will give us time to cool down and reevaluate after the NC.

 

6 days just NC so far... And It's killing me... I've been fluctuating between moving on and wanting her back... Can't focus on my life... Any advice on what's my best step to take? Thanks...

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I don't know dude. This kind of stinks of someone she met in New York. I have a feeling she has no intention of being "alone" during this time. I have a feeling that she doesn't want interference from you during this time.

 

 

I could be wrong. This could be a case of where distance didn't make the heart grow fonder.

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ThorntonMelon

Yes, sadly for you she has moved on to someone/something else.

 

While your mind is fluctuating, there is nothing for you actually to be fluctuating about. She isn't coming back. In a month she's not going to say she missed you. Eventually she might, if the thrill of her relationship wears off, but it's not going to be because of anything you do.

 

Hit the gym, see a therapist, focus on the good parts of your life, post on LS, and in 3-6 months you'll be in a better place.

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Hey man,

Your situation is not I like many of the ones I see here on LS and not to different than my own either. It does sound like she has met someone else in NYC... I think that it is rare that people lose interest in a relationship and have the courage to end things before meeting someone else.

I know it sucks but whether you do no contact or not I don't believe will change anything. In my opinion, in situations like this, nothing you do will change her mind but it will be up to the actions of the next or current guy she is with that will determine if she will want to get back with you or not. It's kind of depressing but I truly believe that if the next guy she meets starts to mess up you MAY have another very slim chance. You should do what's best for YOU. Become interesting again to all girls not just your ex. Go to the gym and pick up a new hobby.

There's nothing you can say to her that will make her change her mind. The only thing you can maybe do that might help is agree with her decision and act like you don't care if you get back together at this point. No contact for a month may be good for your own mental health. If you want to talk about it let me know! I'm kind of in the same situation and have been getting better but have definitely over analyzed everything!! Best of luck.

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A woman doesn't come back after few month to someone she loves and misses and wants to brake because "you don't have common friends or common interests", or other crap reasons she fed you.

 

She just doesn't love you any more and didn't miss you at all. But is there another guy? I think there is, and i would bet about it with 1,000$.

 

Because if there were only other reasons (distance... discovered N.Y ect...), Then she would have tried to really be with you fully.

 

The only explanation is the magic word - another guy. But is it over or is she seeing him now? My guess is the first option - The cheating option.

 

She met someone there and cheated on you, and now can't look at you in the face. She feels bad about it and can't tell you the truth. I believe she also lost interest in you simultaneously, so it may be not just the cheating thing.

 

I would text her that "you know the truth". and then go NC and move on. You won't win her back.

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SoThatHappened
A woman doesn't come back after few month to someone she loves and misses and wants to brake because "you don't have common friends or common interests", or other crap reasons she fed you.

I agree here

 

I would text her that "you know the truth". and then go NC and move on. You won't win her back.

Although I agree with the assessment, I strongly urge you to not heed the advice I've quoted above, Herp.

 

She broke up with you. Let her live with that decision. Anything you contact her about, whether to tell her "you know the truth" or anything else, will simply push her away further and make you look desperate.

 

Her decision means she no longer has any rights to you or your feelings.

 

My ex contacted me many times within days of the breakup and I wouldn't respond unless I had to (telling her when she can pickup her stuff, housecleaning items).

 

Then, 7 weeks later, she contacted me for inconsequential crap. I only responded because she said she was going to drop stuff off at my house. I didn't want her at my house so I told her to throw the stuff away.

 

Then, another 6 weeks later, she texts me telling me she's sorry, I'm on her mind, blah blah blah.

 

No response on my end and I have been able to move on because of the no contact.

 

You need to do the same. Go into no contact (tell her you're doing it ONLY if she reaches out to you) and work on moving on.

 

Ironically, this is also the best way to get her back, but don't do NC to get her back. Do it to heal.

 

You will probably find this was a blessing in disguise so you can meet someone better for you.

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You need to do the same. Go into no contact (tell her you're doing it ONLY if she reaches out to you) and work on moving on.

 

Ironically, this is also the best way to get her back, but don't do NC to get her back. Do it to heal.

 

You will probably find this was a blessing in disguise so you can meet someone better for you.

 

I agree with your analysis. NC is and move on is the best thing for him.

I just assumed (maybe i'm wrong) that in his position he can't fulfill that advice... His mind is still set on her too much.

 

So, i had an idea that if he makes this gesture, indeed it will push her away, but he needs that theatrical gesture to be able to really understand it's over.

 

I remind you they are in a break while he is still hoping.

 

But if he can - I also like you recommend the full NC.

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She cheated on you and now her shallow feelings are gone. Be glad you're rid of her, and stick to NC for good. Don't be her emotional tampon should she ever decide to message you for smalltalk, and don't fall for "let's be friends" either.

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Hey guys,thanks for all the replies.. and to be honest...the truth always hurts...I've asked her repeatedly if there was another guy,but she denied it..stating that she wants to try being alone,and if she doesn't do it it will always be on her mind... But I guess if she wants to cheat on me there's nothing that can be done isn't it...

 

I really love her alot, and i still can't really accept what has happened...can't believe that we have broken up...

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Hey guys,thanks for all the replies.. and to be honest...the truth always hurts...I've asked her repeatedly if there was another guy,but she denied it..stating that she wants to try being alone,and if she doesn't do it it will always be on her mind... But I guess if she wants to cheat on me there's nothing that can be done isn't it...

 

I really love her alot, and i still can't really accept what has happened...can't believe that we have broken up...

 

 

 

Yeah...right. Do you actually think that she's going to say, "Yeah, there's someone else and I was with him every chance I got....oops...SORRY!"

 

 

No way dude. She's not going to admit to that and have you lose respect for her and think that she's a whore. She came up with those lame ass excuses because she wasn't going to take the blame for the demise of the relationship.

 

 

But, here's the rub. If you did find out about another guy. She'll tell you that "He's just a friend." Then, a month later someone's telling you she updated her facebook status to in a relationship with "this friend". Then, you can ask her about it and you'll get the, " Nothing happened while we were together. And he wasn't the reason why we broke up." Uh huh...right.

 

 

Bottomline, she'll probably never tell you the truth and make herself out to be the bad guy in this.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Thanks for all the input guys, sorry for the late reply. I did find out that there was in fact another guy, but i decided not to let her know that i know. There isnt any point, right?

 

Its been a month since we broke up, 2 weeks since NC, and i feel like im getting stronger.

 

Ive lost 12kg, doing workouts and eating healthy, and i feel like a brand new person. I think at the end of the day, things happen for a reason, and when we lose something, we gain something else. For me, i regained my self confidence and my health back.

 

For those who dont check the coping section, Today when I woke up, I saw a text from her saying " Hey do you think we can meet? To discuss abt what to do with some of the insurance policies.. if you dont mind .." ( we bought some long term savings insurance tgt back when we were both committed to each other.)

 

she wants to meet this sunday, and a part of me definitely wants to see her and wants her back, but i feel like im not strong enough to handle meeting her again so soon, and I dont wanna fall back into square one.. What should I do?

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Thanks for all the input guys, sorry for the late reply. I did find out that there was in fact another guy, but i decided not to let her know that i know. There isnt any point, right?

 

Its been a month since we broke up, 2 weeks since NC, and i feel like im getting stronger.

 

Ive lost 12kg, doing workouts and eating healthy, and i feel like a brand new person. I think at the end of the day, things happen for a reason, and when we lose something, we gain something else. For me, i regained my self confidence and my health back.

 

For those who dont check the coping section, Today when I woke up, I saw a text from her saying " Hey do you think we can meet? To discuss abt what to do with some of the insurance policies.. if you dont mind .." ( we bought some long term savings insurance tgt back when we were both committed to each other.)

 

she wants to meet this sunday, and a part of me definitely wants to see her and wants her back, but i feel like im not strong enough to handle meeting her again so soon, and I dont wanna fall back into square one.. What should I do?

Don't worry.. if it makes you feel better.. I got out of a 7 year relationship a bit over 1 year ago and I am totally fine now. You will be fine and probably move on sooner than you think if you are able to control your feelings and find other hobbies and activities to focus on.

 

BTW : DO NOT MEET UP WITH HER. If she wants to meet up she can wait.

Do not give her the satisfaction of giving her what she wants ...even a quick meet up.

 

She is testing the waters and probably checking her feelings.

Like I said, if she cares to that point, she can wait a couple of weeks or even a month.

 

Trust me on this, this will give you enough time to think clearly and be strong enough. Right now, things are still fresh.

Edited by NoLeafClover
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Damn brother I remember when I went through that. You know what happened? I learned so much after we broke up about myself I became a new person. I eventually saw that girl 3 years later. She claimed I was different. Long story short bro.... dont see her it isnt worth it. If there is another guy she wasnt worth your time in the first place! Listen to some personal development... hit the weights and focus on yourself. She wants hamburger instead of steak?! Thats fine! You know your self worth and dont settle for less because im telling the next girl you date is going to be WAY BETTER

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SoThatHappened

Do whatever you can to settle the issue without meeting.

 

Tell her whatever you want (via text), but make sure you convey that it can be handled without meeting up.

 

I'm in the "get things over with as soon as possible" group. If it HAS to be done together, then get it over with. Keep interaction as emotionless as possible. Don't give her a clue about what you're up to or what's going on in your life. \

 

Look good. Act like you've got a hottie for you waiting at home. Really envision that in your head. Don't give in to any talk about the relationship at all. Just show up, sign what you have to sign, and get outta there.

 

Again, this is if you absolutely have to get it resolved together and in person. If not, you take care of what you need to take care of without meeting her.

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Do whatever you can to settle the issue without meeting.

 

Tell her whatever you want (via text), but make sure you convey that it can be handled without meeting up.

 

I'm in the "get things over with as soon as possible" group. If it HAS to be done together, then get it over with. Keep interaction as emotionless as possible. Don't give her a clue about what you're up to or what's going on in your life. \

 

Look good. Act like you've got a hottie for you waiting at home. Really envision that in your head. Don't give in to any talk about the relationship at all. Just show up, sign what you have to sign, and get outta there.

 

Again, this is if you absolutely have to get it resolved together and in person. If not, you take care of what you need to take care of without meeting her.

 

I left out the fact that I'm the insurance intermediary as well, so I can probably solve anything we need to resolve via email and mail. My question is does this affect my professionalism? Also, would it be better to meet her and keep it strictly professional? At least I won't seem like a wimp

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SoThatHappened

You'd look more like a wimp if you met her and begged/broke down/pleaded, etc.

 

Telling her you can handle the situation without meeting shows more backbone in my opinion.

 

Trust me, you can't handle seeing her yet. You can't handle hearing about her life or any excuses she had to breakup with you.

 

Handle this from afar, become a ghost.

 

It's the best way to get her back, but it's also the best way to heal and move on (which I recommend).

 

Every girl I've reconciled with has blown up in my face.

 

It's hard to accept it's really over... very hard. But, it helps you grow as a person and move toward the right woman.

 

Don't meet. Keep any and all communication regarding this professional. Do not bring up the relationship. If she brings it up, tell her that's not why you're communicating. Tell her you're only communicating to get this resolved and move on.

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You'd look more like a wimp if you met her and begged/broke down/pleaded, etc.

 

Telling her you can handle the situation without meeting shows more backbone in my opinion.

 

Trust me, you can't handle seeing her yet. You can't handle hearing about her life or any excuses she had to breakup with you.

 

Handle this from afar, become a ghost.

 

It's the best way to get her back, but it's also the best way to heal and move on (which I recommend).

 

Every girl I've reconciled with has blown up in my face.

 

It's hard to accept it's really over... very hard. But, it helps you grow as a person and move toward the right woman.

 

Don't meet. Keep any and all communication regarding this professional. Do not bring up the relationship. If she brings it up, tell her that's not why you're communicating. Tell her you're only communicating to get this resolved and move on.

 

U think its impossible to meet and keep it strictly professional? And walk off once it's settled?

 

I don't want her to think that I can't get over her that's why I'm not meeting her.

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U think its impossible to meet and keep it strictly professional? And walk off once it's settled?

 

I don't want her to think that I can't get over her that's why I'm not meeting her.

 

Why not?

 

You know... it's okay to not be okay sometimes.

 

And when there's no reason to see her then it's perfectly reasonable to stay away. Just tell her you don't want to see her (not specifically that you can't) and that you can do whatever you need to do via email.

 

It's actually pretty simple.

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SoThatHappened
Just tell her you don't want to see her (not specifically that you can't) and that you can do whatever you need to do via email.

Or do the opposite. Tell her you don't have time to deal with it in person, and that it would be much easier via email/fax/whatever.

 

She will think, "Wow, he's already in the headspace of not needing/wanting to see me? What does he have going on that he can't meet me? Maybe it didn't hurt him as bad as I thought. Maybe I'm not as much of a catch as I thought."

 

On top of that, it will prevent you from doing or saying anything you regret. I know I keep hammering this home, but it's the truth.

 

My ex needed to pickup a ton of stuff from my house, only days after she broke my heart.

 

I told her, via text, that the house will be open and I will be gone all day.

 

So, she shows up when I'm gone to get her stuff and guess what? That drove her crazy! She even called to b!tch me out for throwing away food she bought for the house ($10 worth of stuff). If I would have been there to hear her bitch about that, AFTER she ripped my heart out... I would have come unglued.

 

Instead, her call to b!tch about it went to voicemail, I didn't respond, and 4 days later she's apologizing for her decision via email.

 

Don't be there, man. Trust me/us.

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Or do the opposite. Tell her you don't have time to deal with it in person, and that it would be much easier via email/fax/whatever.

 

She will think, "Wow, he's already in the headspace of not needing/wanting to see me? What does he have going on that he can't meet me? Maybe it didn't hurt him as bad as I thought. Maybe I'm not as much of a catch as I thought."

 

On top of that, it will prevent you from doing or saying anything you regret. I know I keep hammering this home, but it's the truth.

 

My ex needed to pickup a ton of stuff from my house, only days after she broke my heart.

 

I told her, via text, that the house will be open and I will be gone all day.

 

So, she shows up when I'm gone to get her stuff and guess what? That drove her crazy! She even called to b!tch me out for throwing away food she bought for the house ($10 worth of stuff). If I would have been there to hear her bitch about that, AFTER she ripped my heart out... I would have come unglued.

 

Instead, her call to b!tch about it went to voicemail, I didn't respond, and 4 days later she's apologizing for her decision via email.

 

Don't be there, man. Trust me/us.

 

I just don't get why guys have to be all macho and 'I don't even care that we're broken up'.. I mean, why? It's dumb. And childish.

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SoThatHappened
I just don't get why guys have to be all macho and 'I don't even care that we're broken up'.. I mean, why? It's dumb. And childish.

It has absolutely NOTHING to do with gender.

 

It has to do with being the dumpee, getting your heart ripped out, and preventing further damage.

 

It's not gender-specific. I would give the exact same advice if the OP was female.

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It has absolutely NOTHING to do with gender.

 

It has to do with being the dumpee, getting your heart ripped out, and preventing further damage.

 

It's not gender-specific. I would give the exact same advice if the OP was female.

 

Okay, genders aside..

 

Why is it such a bad thing to say 'I can't see you' ?

Why make up reasons for not being there, or not being able to face that person? It's completely understandable to be hurting and not be able to handle seeing that person.. I don't see why there needs to be any pretence that the situation is any different from that?

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SoThatHappened
Okay, genders aside..

 

Why is it such a bad thing to say 'I can't see you' ?

I just recommend putting it in their head that you don't have time. Sure, it's a white lie, somewhat of a game, but it shows strength.

 

Why make up reasons for not being there, or not being able to face that person?

No need to make up reasons. Just tell them you can't (see above).

 

It's completely understandable to be hurting and not be able to handle seeing that person.. I don't see why there needs to be any pretence that the situation is any different from that?

You're absolutely right. But, I think it's a small victory for the person who just got their heart ripped out. They're showing some backbone and possibly giving the dumper a reason to see the dumpee as strong enough to be without them.

 

I know these aren't totally honest, straight-forward approaches. BUT, they give the dumper a small victory and prevent him/her from throwing salt in the wound.

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I just recommend putting it in their head that you don't have time. Sure, it's a white lie, somewhat of a game, but it shows strength.

 

 

No need to make up reasons. Just tell them you can't (see above).

 

 

You're absolutely right. But, I think it's a small victory for the person who just got their heart ripped out. They're showing some backbone and possibly giving the dumper a reason to see the dumpee as strong enough to be without them.

 

I know these aren't totally honest, straight-forward approaches. BUT, they give the dumper a small victory and prevent him/her from throwing salt in the wound.

 

Owning your feelings also takes a certain amount of strength. Being able to deal with things as and when they come along, rather than repressing them.

 

I get more where you're coming from now that you've explained, but I guess I still don't see why there needs to be an act.

 

We all get hurt at some stage. There's no shame in feeling that, or letting others see.

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