Tragedy tore us apart. I couldn't make her happy.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'm a 23 M and my ex is a 22 F.

 

I spent 3 years of my life with my ex. The first 2 1/2 years were great. We fell hard for each other and we had no doubt we would spend the rest of our lives together.

 

7 months ago her twin brother committed suicide. This brought our castle crumbling down. She became terribly unhappy, as anyone would. I can't even imagine the pain not only she went through but is still suffering. I wish I could do more. Our lives changed completely.

 

During this time, I was finishing my last year of college to get my BS in math, trying to find a job, and looking for a place for us to live together. I tried my best to be there for her, but I made mistakes along the way. Maybe I didn't do the right things, or enough for her, and I feel ashamed I couldn't have been better for her. She stopped communicating her feelings with me, and we slowly started falling apart.

 

Her anger and resentment towards me grew the longer she remained unhappy and the longer she felt I wasn't doing enough for her. Her behavior towards me started getting worse and worse. She became very toxic, but I did my best to understand how she felt. It didn't help that I had a fairly bitter mindset after the suicide, and felt a lot of pain myself.

 

Long story short, one day I told her I couldn't bear her toxicity towards me anymore (yelling at me, horrible attitude, put downs). I sat her down and said we need to work through this together and figure out what's causing the resentment, because we can't go on like this. She said she couldn't go on with me anymore, so we both agreed we had to end our relationship. She moved out (we had been living together for a month, which was fine), and we were finished. This was 3 months ago.

 

I couldn't make her happy anymore.

 

It's been a rough 3 months. I initially crawled back to her. We started communicating like we used to, spent meaningful time together, and I was there helping her through her pain. I did so much and tried so hard for her.

 

But that was short-lived. She remained confused about us. She was fearful to try again.

 

I did my best to give her space, but she began seeing other men, and met some of them on several occasions. I never once got angry since our breakup, but that sure did hurt. Eventually I couldn't bear the pain of trying to work us out and helping her while she was actively seeking out someone new to be in a relationship with, basically leaving me as a back-pocket option. And it was extremely difficult to remain friends with the fresh wounds I had. I decided cutting her off completely or rekindling our relationship were the only options.

 

So I sat her down and told her how I felt. I told her I can't be her emotional and physical support if she won't be with me in a relationship (taking the whole me again, not just the parts she wants when she wants -- sex, comfort, best friend, etc). She said she wanted to move on.

 

Fast forward 3 weeks of no contact and here I am. I'm struggling. I still love her. I feel remorseful about what I could have done better. We had so much together.

 

Although I feel remorse, my friends said I did my best and deserve someone better for me. My best friends say I should try my best to forget her, and that a happy relationship will come my way because I'm a nice, caring guy, and she has no idea what she lost. They told me they've never seen someone do so much for somebody and go unappreciated. But I've only taken that advice with a grain of salt.

 

I guess I'm just looking for thoughts, insight, and advice about the situation. Anything is appreciated. One thing I am having a lot of trouble with is imagining her having sex with another man. I was her only lover, and I thought it would always be that way. She hasn't had sex with anyone else yet, I'm fairly certain. Sex is love to us. It just absolutely tears me apart to imagine her having intercourse with someone else, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

TL;DR

 

Tragedy tore apart our 3 year relationship. We broke up but continued communicating. Eventually she ventured out and starting going out with men. I told her we are either working us out or we have to cut each other off for awhile. She opted for the latter. 3 weeks no contact. Struggling and still in love.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited September 25, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[Ecko08]

One thing I am having a lot of trouble with is imagining her having sex with another man. I was her only lover, and I thought it would always be that way. She hasn't had sex with anyone else yet, I'm fairly certain. Sex is love to us. It just absolutely tears me apart to imagine her having intercourse with someone else, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

Dammit, I had finally stopped doing that and now I'm going to do it again. Except, I know mine is ****ing someone else. ****.

[ThorntonMelon]

Get a therapist. Vent. Work out. Hang with friends. Post on LS. Accept that whatever you did or did not, she chose to end things, you have to respect her decision, but she no longer deserves your love or passion, and you will emerge stronger.

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Dammit, I had finally stopped doing that and now I'm going to do it again. Except, I know mine is ****ing someone else. ****.

 

It's a feeling that just rips me up inside. I don't think it would be so bad if 1. I wasn't 100% sure I was going to marry this woman 8 months ago and 2. If we hadn't been virgins and first loves together. Those two things in conjunction is really making it hard for me to imagine her with someone else, let alone having sex with that person. It's a shock, really. Everything has happened so damn fast.

 

Get a therapist. Vent. Work out. Hang with friends. Post on LS. Accept that whatever you did or did not, she chose to end things, you have to respect her decision, but she no longer deserves your love or passion, and you will emerge stronger.

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I do have a therapist, which is helping a bit. I'm trying my best to come out of this a better man, but I'm lacking the ambition I used to pride myself for having -- hopefully that will come with time. I really need to stop being so hopeful that we might get back together, and accept that we are through. I thought 3 weeks of NC would make me lose feelings for her, but every day feels equally painful. I was in deep with this woman.

 

Thanks for replying.

[OwMyEyeball]

Tragic. So sorry to hear about both her loss and your own struggles.

 

Suicide grief is like no other. Many say it's the worst pain they have ever endured in their entire life.

 

If your heart is up for it, take a look here for some insight:

The Alliance of Hope Forum: a healing place for those grieving loss to suicide ? Index page

 

Just understand that whatever drove you apart, it wasn't you and in some ways, it wasn't her either. It was a fate no one could predict or prepare for.

 

Again, terribly sorry to hear about your situations

 

Best wishes

[whichwayisup]

Tragic. So sorry to hear about both her loss and your own struggles.

 

Suicide grief is like no other. Many say it's the worst pain they have ever endured in their entire life.

 

If your heart is up for it, take a look here for some insight:

The Alliance of Hope Forum: a healing place for those grieving loss to suicide ? Index page

 

Just understand that whatever drove you apart, it wasn't you and in some ways, it wasn't her either. It was a fate no one could predict or prepare for.

 

Again, terribly sorry to hear about your situations

 

Best wishes

 

Agreed. Also, this was her twin brother, so that bond is much different than regular sibling. They were part of each other and this loss is huge for her, like she lost a big part of herself too.

 

8 months ago, there were no real issues or problems, so most of how she changed and took it out on you is because of her twins death. I hope she is seeking counseling too.

 

I'm sorry for all you've been through too, you love her and she's not on the same page as you anymore.

[Ecko08]

It's a feeling that just rips me up inside. I don't think it would be so bad if 1. I wasn't 100% sure I was going to marry this woman 8 months ago and 2. If we hadn't been virgins and first loves together. Those two things in conjunction is really making it hard for me to imagine her with someone else, let alone having sex with that person. It's a shock, really. Everything has happened so damn fast.

 

I'm right there with you, man. I unofficially proposed last year but couldn't get the ring until this past July. Ive patiently held on to it until the right moment. Find out 2 weeks ago she's been carrying a relationship since August. You can get the whole scoop on my thread about it, it's on page 2 I think.

 

You're not the only one, man. You at least got someone else on here sharing the same boat with you.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Tragic. So sorry to hear about both her loss and your own struggles.

 

Suicide grief is like no other. Many say it's the worst pain they have ever endured in their entire life.

 

If your heart is up for it, take a look here for some insight:

The Alliance of Hope Forum: a healing place for those grieving loss to suicide ? Index page

 

Just understand that whatever drove you apart, it wasn't you and in some ways, it wasn't her either. It was a fate no one could predict or prepare for.

 

Again, terribly sorry to hear about your situations

 

Best wishes

 

I guess I've never thought of it that way. That is, that it wasn't my fault and in some ways not hers. I beat myself up time and time again over what I could have done differently. I think the reason I beat myself up so much is because of the huge blame she placed on me. "You didn't do enough", "I'm just unhappy", "I thought you would do so much better", and "you weren't there for me like I expected". Those are hurtful things to say to someone who cares so deeply about her well being. Did I really do that bad? Or is she deluded. It's always on my mind.

 

Thanks for the resources, I'll be sure to check them out.

 

Agreed. Also, this was her twin brother, so that bond is much different than regular sibling. They were part of each other and this loss is huge for her, like she lost a big part of herself too.

 

8 months ago, there were no real issues or problems, so most of how she changed and took it out on you is because of her twins death. I hope she is seeking counseling too.

 

I'm sorry for all you've been through too, you love her and she's not on the same page as you anymore.

 

Yeah, I definitely understand she is in a dark place right now. And I also understand it could be a long long time before she gets through this pain. I told her to take her time, I couldn't imagine her pain.

 

I pushed counseling but she kept procrastinating it. I became her surrogate therapist, which probably wasn't a good thing. She may be seeing one now, but I'm not sure.

 

 

I'm right there with you, man. I unofficially proposed last year but couldn't get the ring until this past July. Ive patiently held on to it until the right moment. Find out 2 weeks ago she's been carrying a relationship since August. You can get the whole scoop on my thread about it, it's on page 2 I think.

 

You're not the only one, man. You at least got someone else on here sharing the same boat with you.

 

Oh goodness that's rough . That's heartbreaking. I hope you find the support you are looking for on here. It's nice to here all these words of encouragement on here, and to also vent.

 

Thanks for the kind words. We're in this together! For better or worse.

Edited September 26, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[d0nnivain]

I couldn't make her happy anymore.

 

It was never your responsibility to make her happy nor was it in your power.

 

A family member's suicide is a powerful tragedy. She probably blames herself for not being able to prevent it. If she was with you when her brother died, she probably feels guilty that she was having fun while he was in agony. Survivor's guilt is not something that goes away quickly or without professional assistance.

 

You sound like a caring BF but that's not enough & you have to let her go. Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Walk Out of the Darkness. It really helped me when I had to cope with the aftermath of somebody's else's decision.

[breakupthrowaway663]

It was never your responsibility to make her happy nor was it in your power.

 

A family member's suicide is a powerful tragedy. She probably blames herself for not being able to prevent it. If she was with you when her brother died, she probably feels guilty that she was having fun while he was in agony. Survivor's guilt is not something that goes away quickly or without professional assistance.

 

You sound like a caring BF but that's not enough & you have to let her go. Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Walk Out of the Darkness. It really helped me when I had to cope with the aftermath of somebody's else's decision.

 

Yeah, she always did look for happiness from the outside in, instead of from within. She made it seem like I was the cause, so I took it harshly. And I really do care about her happiness. I feel like I'm to blame, even though I need to realize she can't rely on my for happiness.

 

Actually, just this last weekend there was one I'd those walks nearby. We had both signed up for it long ago, but to my displeasure, I told her I wasn't going to go because of our situation. Her family and friends were going to be there, and plus I was (and still am) no contact with her. It would have been uncomfortable. It doesn't help that her family dislikes me for unknown reasons. One of the last things my ex told me before NC was "my family doesn't think you're right for me, and I want to make my family happy". Their family loved me before our breakup. I did so much for her, and they saw the love I was giving. Bygones will be bygones I guess.

Edited September 26, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[d0nnivain]

You can't really understand how that suicide messed up their whole family. It is a bygone but not one that you caused or did anything wrong.

[breakupthrowaway663]

You can't really understand how that suicide messed up their whole family. It is a bygone but not one that you caused or did anything wrong.

 

I can't imagine either.

 

They had nothing but praise for me for taking care of my ex after the suicide. I was by my ex's side 100% of the way, staying up literally all night with her while she mourned, always her rock and always the person she could talk to. I'm happy she had me by her side.

 

But then they felt I wasn't doing enough once we broke up. I can't help to feel that I did something wrong and actually did cause them to feel that way about me. Of course I wasn't the perfect support.. seeing my ex so upset took a toll on me and my attitude, but I did improve over time. Their family has always been judgemental in that way, though. Not to be arrogant, but there really isn't a whole lot to dislike about me. I have a lot of life to share, and anyone's future is sure to be bright with me, so what is there to hate? I guess I'm not the typical farm boy that women marry in that family (engineer here), maybe I'm a bit on the quiet side in large groups, and maybe I'm a bit short? But c'mon, really?

 

Well anyway, what do I do from this point onward? What should be my goal? I'm 22 with a new job in a new city. I've met some new people, but it's slow-going.

 

I think I should be more specific. Should I give up all hope with my ex? How long should I remain in no contact? I mean if I'm going to give up all hope I don't see a reason to contact her. She made the decision to leave me. I wish I could help her, as I'm sure she's suffering, and I hate to know she's in so much pain and there's nothing I can do to at least brighten her day. What an awkward situation - best friends to nothing in months.

 

My ego is absolutely shattered and I feel uncomfortably insecure. I want to start dating but I feel like I need to get myself together. At the same time, I'm definitely lonely, and I would love to have that connection and intimacy with someine again (if I can figure out how to let my ex go). I'm not sure what the right approach would be. I feel so pathetic. Lol

Edited September 26, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[d0nnivain]

Well anyway, what do I do from this point onward? What should be my goal? I'm 22 with a new job in a new city. I've met some new people, but it's slow-going.

 

Should I give up all hope with my ex? How long should I remain in no contact?

 

You are not pathetic. You are a nice guy that got torn apart in an awful situation.

 

After losing someone close to me to suicide I take all threats like that very seriously. Look at most post history to see how I react to even people here on LS who mention that they are thinking about it. My take on the subject will never change but U certainly wouldn't expect anybody who is not a mental health professional to help me deal.

 

As for what you should do, it's keep on living. You have a fresh start with a new job & a new city. Take advantage of all that life has to offer. Go for beers after work. Join clubs that interest you. Make new friends & when you find somebody who interests you, go on a date with her.

 

Do not chase your EX. She's in too much pain to think straight. If she ever contacts you in the future & you want to see her, by all means do but until then all you can do is let go.

[breakupthrowaway663]

You are not pathetic. You are a nice guy that got torn apart in an awful situation.

 

After losing someone close to me to suicide I take all threats like that very seriously. Look at most post history to see how I react to even people here on LS who mention that they are thinking about it. My take on the subject will never change but U certainly wouldn't expect anybody who is not a mental health professional to help me deal.

 

 

I only feel like my weakness in this situation is pathetic. Personally, I love life, and would never take any drastic measures because of this. I'm just in a lot of pain and seeking help. My head is still on fairly straight.

 

As for what you should do, it's keep on living. You have a fresh start with a new job & a new city. Take advantage of all that life has to offer. Go for beers after work. Join clubs that interest you. Make new friends & when you find somebody who interests you, go on a date with her.

 

 

Will do, I'll try my best. Hopefully that will help me get her off my mind, and keep me from lingering on negative thoughts.

 

Do not chase your EX. She's in too much pain to think straight. If she ever contacts you in the future & you want to see her, by all means do but until then all you can do is let go.

 

I played the chasing game right away after we broke up and learned the hard way that it does not work one bit. I only kept the chase up because she kept feeding me this crumbs of hope. For example, she would come over and break down to me, telling me I'm her best friend and nobody else understands her like I do. She said I'm always there for her and she appreciates the things I do.

 

What happens a couple days later? She acts like nothing happened. Like we didn't spend a meaningful evening communicating our feelings to each other.

 

That was before I broke NC. I felt like she was just using me emotionally. It was so hard to let her go during that time period of back and forth up and down. I think I need more NC.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Small update:

 

I got home from being out all weekend and checked my FB. Even though I have my ex blocked, I still saw on my feed a picture of my ex, her family, and the guy she has been seeing behind him. So he has met her family already.

 

I wish I wouldn't have seen that, but the deed is done. It sure does sting. She seems so unaffected that we broke up. We were best friends. And in her state, she's already bringing guys to meet her family. Oh man. I guess there's not much I can do. Words of encouragement needed!

 

 

As an aside, friends keep telling me I will move onto someone better for me. They give me the whole she'll treat you so much better and I'm you can find someone so much more attractive (guys saying guy things). Do any of you have any experience with moving (after a similar experience as mine) on to someone who was a much better match for you?

[Snagglepuss89]

While I'm still looking for my better match, I can relate about losing someone I thought was so great for me. The sad truth is if she was so great we wouldn't have broken up.

 

I think, instead of focusing on how much better the next person for you can possibly be, you should instead be reexamining how not so great she was. I don't mean in a bitter way, but in a truly objective light. My girl moved on pretty quickly after we broke up, I felt awful. I always examined what I could have done better, or even worse, what this new guy did better than me. It kept me up at night.

 

It became easier once I realized a few things though.

 

1.) Most of my anger and pain was ego. It was just as much about how much better this other guy was than me as it was about my own failings. Once you let go of your ego, it becomes much easier to cope.

 

2.) This girl probably wasn't as great as she seemed when you were with her. Love makes us blind, eh? I don't like to talk about my ex, or insult her, but mine was emotionally unavailable, unwilling to compromise on anything that required her to put any work into our relationship, and had you had to walk on eggshells around her because saying even the slightest thing she didn't want to hear would make her have an absolute meltdown. She was nuts, I'm better not having ended up spending my life with her.

 

3.) Every failed relationship has two losers. You both lost. While she may be (outwardly) hurting less, she lost what appears to be a great guy who cared a lot about her, and the gravity of that loss may not affect her any time soon, but it does stand that she's a loser even if she doesn't feel that way.

 

You've got a lot of life ahead of you to forget her. You won't stop missing her for a long while, but in the end you'll be happier than if you had stayed together.

[No Limit]

Do any of you have any experience with moving (after a similar experience as mine) on to someone who was a much better match for you?

 

DUDE, you can read that kind of stuff all over the internet! Last one I read was a guy whose GF cheated and then got pregnant by the one she screwed. He broke off with her and has now been happily married for over a decade, while the ex GF went on to marry the guy who impregnated her - and apparently his mother had been a real witch to her, believing she "manipulated her son" by getting pregnant on purpose. Also they've been broke and miserable the last time someone mentioned them.

 

It's sad that your ex was affected so negatively about this, but ultimately it was her choice, so move on. This also isn't about you not being able to make her happy; the only way to save your relationship would have been her opening up to you and let you help her, but she did the opposite and shut down, which equals death to a relationship - any relationship.

 

None of this was or is your fault. The girl you loved just turned out to be more coward-wired than she showed at first. It's very easy to find a new GF better than that, but first give yourself some time to heal.

[breakupthrowaway663]

While I'm still looking for my better match, I can relate about losing someone I thought was so great for me. The sad truth is if she was so great we wouldn't have broken up.

 

In my situation, she was pretty great for the first year or year and a half or (maybe that's fairly common), and then became increasingly more toxic, with a huge spike after the suicide.

 

I think, instead of focusing on how much better the next person for you can possibly be, you should instead be reexamining how not so great she was. I don't mean in a bitter way, but in a truly objective light. My girl moved on pretty quickly after we broke up, I felt awful. I always examined what I could have done better, or even worse, what this new guy did better than me. It kept me up at night.

 

This is a huge problem for me, as it is simply a part of my personality. When she, for example, would tell me I behaved wrongly in a situation, I would over-analyze what I could have done differently or better to the point where I cause myself anxiety. I do this with school, work, everything. In some ways I can attribute it to success in school because I was always self-critical and pushing myself to improve, but in this situation it's amplifying my negative feelings.

 

1.) Most of my anger and pain was ego. It was just as much about how much better this other guy was than me as it was about my own failings. Once you let go of your ego, it becomes much easier to cope.

 

Very true, the ego hit I took after our break-up was huge. I need to let go and not be so critical of myself. I'll have to work on this.

 

2.) This girl probably wasn't as great as she seemed when you were with her. Love makes us blind, eh? I don't like to talk about my ex, or insult her, but mine was emotionally unavailable, unwilling to compromise on anything that required her to put any work into our relationship, and had you had to walk on eggshells around her because saying even the slightest thing she didn't want to hear would make her have an absolute meltdown. She was nuts, I'm better not having ended up spending my life with her.

 

I'm very blinded. My closest friends say "You dodged a bullet with her, honestly". Of course I don't feel what they are talking about right now, or if they are just saying that because they are my friends. It is true that my ex was extremely dependent (probably because she grew up with a twin), emotionally toxic (whiny, sassy, self-conceited) and also unavailable, and lacked mature communication skills that are essential for a relationship. Not to throw my ex under the bus or anything -- I don't like doing that either. Sometimes I wonder what she thinks of me now. I think her perspective of me is deluded/blinded.

 

3.) Every failed relationship has two losers. You both lost. While she may be (outwardly) hurting less, she lost what appears to be a great guy who cared a lot about her, and the gravity of that loss may not affect her any time soon, but it does stand that she's a loser even if she doesn't feel that way.

 

Good points, my ex was also emotionally unavailable, so maybe she is hurting in the same way I am. I'm more expressive, so I'm always communicating with friends about what I'm going through. She's quite the opposite.

 

And yeah, you're probably right that it may not be affecting her right now. I'm sure she is still internalizing a great deal of pain from losing her brother. I don't blame her that she is focusing on that right now. She also had never been in a serious relationship before me, and probably doesn't realize what she has lost yet. Sadly, the road ahead of her is probably still going to be very painful. She wants someone who can tap into her emotions and care for her even more than I did (I'm absolutely sure of this; she always said I didn't do enough). I do not think that's going to be possible considering my personality and sensitivity to her emotions in our relationship versus the general personality of men.

 

You've got a lot of life ahead of you to forget her. You won't stop missing her for a long while, but in the end you'll be happier than if you had stayed together.

 

Thanks . Every bit of support helps me so much .

 

 

It's sad that your ex was affected so negatively about this, but ultimately it was her choice, so move on.

 

The sad part is our breakup was "mutual" at first. But as things began to flesh out, it became more obvious to me that she was waiting to jump on an opportunity.

 

This also isn't about you not being able to make her happy; the only way to save your relationship would have been her opening up to you and let you help her, but she did the opposite and shut down, which equals death to a relationship - any relationship.

 

Wow, that's actually very true. She placed the blame on me for not doing more, tapping into her needs more, and making her happy. In actuality, she really did shut down and withdrew herself. I genuinely would ask her how she was or how she was feeling and get little and sometimes no response. Or she would even get on her phone while we were having a conversation. I hated that. And now I'm the bad guy because of it? I'm hated by her family because I couldn't do enough, and be her guardian angel? Sad...

 

None of this was or is your fault. The girl you loved just turned out to be more coward-wired than she showed at first.

 

So. Unbelievably. True. She was so fearful of pursuing happiness with me before AND after our break-up, even though SHE felt we could be happy, and we communicated what would have to change and be worked on. She almost broke up with me 8 months in because her family told her to do so.

 

She barely ever fought for me, barely helped us compromise with her parents (leading their family to resent me), and never stood up for her own happiness. Some of that was my fault, though. I didn't communicate a whole lot with her parents outside of the days spent with them. We all have our downfalls.

 

People say she's so strong after the suicide. Being by her side the whole way, I just don't believe holding all your negative feelings inside, not communicating, not holding onto those who care about you and wish to help, and not expressing yourself is strong. Showing no emotion isn't strong. It's the opposite. It's weak. It's a time bomb just waiting to go off.

 

In the end I don't blame her for withdrawing, and can't hold it against her. I can't imagine her pain and suffering. She did what she thought was best. It's not all her fault. I'm sure an experience like that would change anyone.

 

I love her to death, and I hope she can find happiness one day. But I also hope she learns a lesson.

 

It's very easy to find a new GF better than that, but first give yourself some time to heal.

 

It hasn't been easy so far! . Yes, I do need to heal, or I'll kill my next relationship faster than it got started. I'm tending to rush myself because I compare how i'm doing to my ex. She's already introducing men (met on Tinder, which is kind of hilarious) to her family. Maybe someone can vouch that she's just trying to fill an unfillable hole with someone new.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Oops, I tried to break the second half of my last post into this post, but didn't realize I couldn't edit my older post. So this is the same as the second half of my previous post. Whoops.

 

It's sad that your ex was affected so negatively about this, but ultimately it was her choice, so move on.

 

The sad part is our breakup was "mutual" at first. But as things began to flesh out, it became more obvious to me that she was waiting to jump on an opportunity.

 

This also isn't about you not being able to make her happy; the only way to save your relationship would have been her opening up to you and let you help her, but she did the opposite and shut down, which equals death to a relationship - any relationship.

 

Wow, that's actually very true. She placed the blame on me for not doing more, tapping into her needs more, and making her happy. In actuality, she really did shut down and withdrew herself. I genuinely would ask her how she was or how she was feeling and get little and sometimes no response. Or she would even get on her phone while we were having a conversation. I hated that. And now I'm the bad guy because of it? I'm hated by her family because I couldn't do enough, and be her guardian angel? Sad...

 

None of this was or is your fault. The girl you loved just turned out to be more coward-wired than she showed at first.

 

So. Unbelievably. True. She was so fearful of pursuing happiness with me before AND after our break-up, even though SHE felt we could be happy, and we communicated what would have to change and be worked on. She almost broke up with me 8 months in because her family told her to do so.

 

She barely ever fought for me, barely helped us compromise with her parents (leading their family to resent me), and never stood up for her own happiness. Some of that was my fault, though. I didn't communicate a whole lot with her parents outside of the days spent with them. We all have our downfalls.

 

People say she's so strong after the suicide. Being by her side the whole way, I just don't believe holding all your negative feelings inside, not communicating, not holding onto those who care about you and wish to help, and not expressing yourself is strong. Showing no emotion isn't strong. It's the opposite. It's weak. It's a time bomb just waiting to go off.

 

In the end I don't blame her for withdrawing, and can't hold it against her. I can't imagine her pain and suffering. She did what she thought was best. It's not all her fault. I'm sure an experience like that would change anyone.

 

I love her to death, and I hope she can find happiness one day. But I also hope she learns a lesson.

 

It's very easy to find a new GF better than that, but first give yourself some time to heal.

 

It hasn't been easy so far! . Yes, I do need to heal, or I'll kill my next relationship faster than it got started. I'm tending to rush myself because I compare how i'm doing to my ex. She's already introducing men (met on Tinder, which is kind of hilarious) to her family. Maybe someone can vouch that she's just trying to fill an unfillable hole with someone new.

Edited September 29, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[breakupthrowaway663]

So I thought I'd write a bit more about what happened post-breakup.

 

After our breakup, she told me she still loved me, and still wanted to be with me, but she was afraid. There were a couple of times where we got together and one thing led to another -- we had romantic, loving sex. Emotionally, she always came to me and I was happy to listen and be there for her. She came to me every time she was in true distress. I was happy to help. We communicated really well with each other, and honestly I couldn't have been happier those nights.

 

But things went back and forth. We had those perfect post-breakup nights where it seemed like we would truly make it work. Then a couple days later when I wanted to discuss us and how we are doing, she would take us a couple steps back, and would almost act like the nice time we spent together never happened. This happened probably 4 times.

 

Eventually I found out she was on dating sites, Tinder, etc. She started meeting other guys. This was hurtful and upsetting to me, especially considering she was telling me she loved me oh so much. I kept cool and never once got angry, but I did tell her it hurt. She did tell me she made sure to tell these guys that she still loves me. My pain started to intensify and she saw a couple of them multiple times. I did make a mistake by badgering her about how many guys she has met and to be honest about it. She started to lean towards just moving on, regardless of how "perfect" I was towards her.

 

I reacted and met some women myself. When she found out I took one woman on a date, she was extremely upset. At first she was just curious about how things went. But eventually she revealed that she was very hurt by it. She felt like I was leading her on (what??), had a panic attack, was very hurt I took my date to our favorite restaurant (oops ), and asked why I was dating so soon after our break-up. I still feel pretty terrible about that; I was reacting to her behavior of going after other men. I felt helpless. I feel like my actions really killed any hope of us working out our relationship together. Even though I pleaded with my ex that I still loved her, didn't feel anything for these women I took out, and I didn't do anything with them either.

 

Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, like I wrote in my original post. I told her I can't be her back-pocket option she's just keeping around to fill specific needs. She said some awful and harsh things to me. These included things she could never forgive me for, reasons she couldn't date me anymore (most revolved around fear), and general put-downs.

 

That day I walked away. I didn't contact her again. Now going on 4 weeks no contact.

 

About 3 weeks later I saw the first picture of her with her new boy toy. She met him on Tinder and already introduced him to her family. I'm not sure if they are dating, I have her blocked.

 

The pain is still very real, but I've made a couple of recent improvements. I'm playing hockey again, which is great. I'm so happy when I'm on the ice. The fact that we went back and forth for awhile is making things harder than they need to be.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Some questions:

 

- Should the pain still feel so fresh? It's been 4 weeks but damn, each day is pretty tough. I feel deep roots of love being pulled.

 

- What do I make of her new guy in her life? I feel like she is leading a very unhealthy path. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't make any sense of it. She saw men while she said she still loved me.

 

- What are some positive things I can immediately do to help myself in this situation? Great hobbies that helped you guys, books, anything? I need her OFF MY MIND!

 

- Was my timing for NC okay? I waited 3 months because of the games that were played. Am I heading down the right path now (4 weeks NC)?

 

 

Thanks so much for the replies so far. They honestly have helped me more than you know. I will get through this stronger than I was before. Thanks again!!

Edited October 3, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[Trep]

So let me get this right. She dumped you and started dating multiple other guys while telling you she still loves you. Then gets mad when you go on a date, asks why you are dating so soon after a break-up and accuses you of leading her on?

 

Be glad it's over, the girl has clearly lost her marbles

[No Limit]

People say she's so strong after the suicide. Being by her side the whole way, I just don't believe holding all your negative feelings inside, not communicating, not holding onto those who care about you and wish to help, and not expressing yourself is strong. Showing no emotion isn't strong. It's the opposite. It's weak. It's a time bomb just waiting to go off.

 

Seeing how she almost broke up with you because of what her parents told her; that girl has never had any form of backbone at all. Her inability to communicate comes from that lack of strength long before the suicide. Not expressing herself and showing no emotion is a defense-system; hiding.

 

To respond to your other post;

Your ex is absolutely unstable and, with the words of a guy who explained that type of girl/woman to me once, "a good for nothing", cumbucket, whatever you want to call it. If she ever gets into marriage it won't be a healthy happy one...

No need to feel bad about meeting other girls, don't let her blackmail you. It's also good to see you're sticking to NC; hopefully you'll be able to keep it up for good. And hobbies? Anything you like so much that you fully concentrate it, makes you 'loose yourself' in it.

The time required for the pain to go away is very individual, most seem to get over their ex in 2 - 3 months, sometimes more.

[breakupthrowaway663]

So let me get this right. She dumped you and started dating multiple other guys while telling you she still loves you. Then gets mad when you go on a date, asks why you are dating so soon after a break-up and accuses you of leading her on?

 

Be glad it's over, the girl has clearly lost her marbles

 

Our break-up was "mutual" at the time. But yes, after a week she was on Tinder doing what I call "seeking out other men", met some of them, but refused to call them dates. Eventually she went out for ice cream and bowling with one of them. I call that a date, she still didn't. That particular guy is the one she has "stuck with", and I recently saw a pictures of them together. Ouch

 

She explains that she was searching for someone to talk to, "didn't know what she was doing", and wanted to see what was out there.

 

But yes, she got very upset when I told her about my "date". I really messed up by taking he to one of our (ex and I) favorite restaurants. She said it felt like a knife through her chest. I was very apologetic.

 

Maybe I should also mention that I caught word that she was on several dating sites as well. POF, Badoo, Tinder (I knew that one right away), and maybe some others but I forgot the name. It hurt to know that she was actively seeking men out almost right away.

Edited October 7, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[breakupthrowaway663]

Seeing how she almost broke up with you because of what her parents told her; that girl has never had any form of backbone at all. Her inability to communicate comes from that lack of strength long before the suicide. Not expressing herself and showing no emotion is a defense-system; hiding.

 

That's a great analysis, really. I wanted to compromise with her parents, help them understand us, and etc. But she just wouldn't stand up for me. This led to resentment of the other party by both her parents and myself. I feel they only really disliked me because it was her first serious relationship, which meant she spent a lot of time with me. Eventually they started hating me. At that point I started defending myself, which only made things worse. Their parents convinced her she needed to break up with me. And after a couple horrible days, we decided to continue on together. I'm amazed we got through that. I can't help but to believe any other guy would have run for the high hills.

 

Other than that, I made their daughter happier than she ever was, supported her through school, and did everything in my power to be her teammate. I don't understand the hate.

 

I honestly don't understand how I didn't analyze these facts about her earlier. This should have been a red flag to me long ago. Sigh.

 

To respond to your other post;

Your ex is absolutely unstable and, with the words of a guy who explained that type of girl/woman to me once, "a good for nothing", cumbucket, whatever you want to call it. If she ever gets into marriage it won't be a healthy happy one...

 

I wouldn't say she's good for nothing. She's honestly very kind on her good days. Very understanding and compassionate. That being said, her personality has seemed to have deteriorated, although I don't want to admit the person I loved and still love has changed. I still cling onto the hope and fear that she is the same person.

 

No need to feel bad about meeting other girls, don't let her blackmail you. It's also good to see you're sticking to NC; hopefully you'll be able to keep it up for good. And hobbies? Anything you like so much that you fully concentrate it, makes you 'loose yourself' in it.

The time required for the pain to go away is very individual, most seem to get over their ex in 2 - 3 months, sometimes more.

 

I don't feel bad about meeting other women, at least not anymore. But I do feel bad about hooking up. It was reactionary to her seeking out other men. It was me trying to stay a step ahead of her. I was dumb, it wasn't me, and I regret it.

 

Yeah, still NC, and still going strong. It's hard as hell, though. I miss her way more than I should. It's such an incredible burning feeling that feels consuming. I had no idea this is what break-ups felt like. And before all of this I considered myself the type of person who handles stress and pressure very well.

 

Jeez, 2-3 months? I'm going on 4 and don't feel much of a difference. I still feel the love; I still feel like I want her back. But those are my emotions and not my brain.

Edited October 7, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663

[breakupthrowaway663]

I really wish I could be there for her in this time of suffering. In 3 days, it will be 7 months since her brother passed. In 20, it would have been both of their birthdays (twins).. I can't imagine that's going to be a good day for her. I want to be there. I just want to give her a big hug. I want to support her and try to fix us so that I can be by her side again, but obviously I can't.

 

What a terrible situation. I just can't get it out of my mind that I wasn't good enough. Now I'm the bad guy because I can't even be her friend anymore.

 

All I want to do is try better, help her, and get through this with her.

 

Everyone tells me I did everything I could. And maybe I did, but I can't help but to blame myself. I let her put me into this state of mind, and I feel stuck.

 

I still can't get over the fact that she is already seeing someone else. In her current state, how could she be doing that? It haunts me at night to imagine her in bed with someone else while I'm alone with my thoughts.

 

Before all of this I was a motivated, confident person driven to succeed to grow every day. Now it's quite the opposite. For a guy, I sure am letting this beat me up.

Edited October 8, 2014 by breakupthrowaway663