An X for Ex's, continuing your pain

[Mark-e-Mark]

My ex-fiance and I were together 4.5 years, she moved into my house after about a year. we have a 3 year old daughter together and i have 2 other children to a previous marriage (shared custody-week on week off)... I am 30 and ex is 35.

.... I was the only one working so she could be a stay at home mom, and she doesnt drive. trying to support a family on one income is rough,(doesnt make alot of date nights for sure) my brother did get her a job a restaurant a few blocks from home... there was an argument and she went to her sisters and just didnt go to work, didnt try to explain herself to employer to keep job or anything.. that was a bummer... however we kept chugging along, things seemed to be ok, we were still making ends meet, and the kids never had to go without.

KIDS... for sure we were a kick **** family and parents. We both agree on that. however communicating with her was rough for the last 6 months or so... she was a screamer and pusher... i was not a fan at all of that, the kids would be there crying covering their ears, i would point at them and say " stop cant you see them crying!" so i would walk away or even sometimes leave the house (she claimed that was my MO and i would run away when things got hard). i was merely walking away because that is counter productive. now i am also guilty of yelling before.. as soon as she would start yelling and pointing fingers i would fall into it too.. thats why i just started walking away... sometimes when we cooled down we could talk about things. But the last 6 months were kind of bad... Work was very stressful and the company was looking like it was going to get bought out any my job was not as "safe", i can honestly say i wasnt the most sensitive during this period, and my head was in the clouds some ( she had me get on meds, and then i decided to not take them anymore...Not a good idea) then the last 3 months she wasnt intimate anymore, just kind of stayed up all night online, friended a guy on facebook and started talking about him quite a bit (I wasnt super happy about that, we were having problems) I confronted her, she said nothing to be concerned about.... ok fine.

 

The breakup! So it feels like eggshells at home. It wasnt awful, she would still make sure dinner was done, and even make me a drink after work. However there wasnt alot of affection, and we were both stressed, i can only imagine not being a driver and being at home with kids all winter, and not alot of money for things, but the arguing continued, alot of pointing fingers, and screaming... she was yelling at me and pushed me down, right infront of and toward our daughter (other 2 were not there)... my daughter screamed and cried... i said thats enough, you need to go stay at your sisters until we can figure this out... ( she agreed the kids were being affected by the fights)She asked her sister and her sister said she couldnt(thats a differetn story...she had kicked her out of her house in the past). So she looked into housing in town... She was able to get in to an apartment fairly quick... about a month or so... meanwhile we are still doing the normal routine at home, sleeping in different rooms ofcourse. So after she moves out..

 

After... So about 1 week later i went to her apartment and apologized for having her move away from our home. and i asked her to go to counseling to maybe mend things.... She was slightly resistant at first, and then would text and email me... "good morning love, i miss you guys" and i would stop by here and there to drop things off for our daughter or her, since she couldnt drive and didnt have alot of money.. and one day things seemed to be ok, and i was to stop by there and drop some things off... i said ok... maybe i will grab a kiss today... reply "lets not complicate things" huh? Turned out the " you have nothing to be concerned" guy had asked her out... this was with in 2 weeks... i was pretty hurt and confused... about a week or 2 later I talked to her a little bit about it... she pointed alot of fingers and said we have no chemistry... she isnt in love with me.... and she doesnt think a counselor would help. Well i am not one to give up on family so easy, so i continued to try and talk to her about things... she said this guy was a mere friendship and she is gonna think about trying to work things out, and still has a strong love for me..she was still angry about the moving out and that was my fault( i do know that, and i apologized from the bottom of my heart) so i waited some time and talked again, just about the same results.. she was still hanging out with this guy and they talk on a regular basis and and she doesnt know how she feels about him, she thinks she just likes all the attention he gives her. well i did not deal with that well... so i tried not to talk to her and she would send me messages.... " i dont like the feeling of you hating me"... "things seem to be going much better there now that im not there"... yet she still isnt intrested in yet fixing things.

 

its been a little over 2 months now and she has come honest with me that she is fond of this guy.

[mightycpa]

It sounds like the 3 yr. old daughter is living with you. Is she yours legally? Did mom abandon the home and the child? You need to establish some legal rights to that girl, and if you don't want her to end up dealing with people like her mother does, you have to try to gain custody, with supervised visitation only. You'd better get a barracuda for an attorney, or you could end up paying for this woman's new and improved lifestyle via child support payments.

 

Then, you're going to have to face the fact that you are a single dad with tons of baggage, and there are not that many women in the world who are going to jump into your world of drama.

 

I feel for you.

[Chi townD]

Well, you need to start to go NO CONTACT with her as much as possible. If you have the daughter, then she needs to call you on when she needs to visit. If she has your daughter, then you need to work out your visitation. Do it all by text. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. If the message is about your daughter, then answer her by text. Do NOT call her back, text her. If it's about anything else, ignore it. Looking into what is reasonable child support in your state and start paying her for child support AND NOT A DIME MORE THAN WHAT YOU'RE OBLIGATED TO!!!

 

 

If you're going to get your daughter, have a friend with you or even see if your sister, brother or parents can pick her up for you. If that can't happen, just grab your kid and go! No small talk! She needs to see how life is going to be like without you in it. IF she's cheating on you with this other dude. Sorry to say this, but that's going to happen whether she's at the apartment or at your home. She's not invested in you anymore and she's investing her time and energy into this other douche rocket.

 

 

You need to start making positive changes in your life. Take some on-line college courses. Get that degree! That will only open up more job opportunities with better pay and a better standard of living for you and your kids.

[Mark-e-Mark]

So i went to a lawyer to get some custody papers drawn up.. She got very upset that my family was coming over, she claimed i was playing a victim.... She tried to take my daughter out of my arms and said i cant take her without papers and she was calling the cops.... i laughed some and said "what are you going to tell them, my daughters father is picking up his kid, come arrest him lol." She put her phone away.

 

when i received the draft, i sent her a copy to make sure all the times and address's were correct. she looked to me for emotional comfort,,,, but I told her i had had enough stringing me along and wasnt interested in games. She called my cell while i was at work, she was freaking out saying she couldnt do counseling with me because she would be too cynical and what do those text book ****ing idiots know about her life!.... she said i was being pushy..

 

2 days went by and i had not talk to her... she emailed me a sad face.... I wasnt going to respond so i moved the email to another folder, so i didnt have to see it.... however later that day I went for a hike in the woods to come across a beautiful stream running under a very old wooden bridge, and i responded" Please don’t do that.

And yes I have read through old emails, yes you would apologize and tell me how much you love me, and were sorry for being so bitchy or mean and those always made me feel nice, you were very good with words in email, I know that. I also seen you had WISHED for dates (I did too)… WHY did you not take the initiative to plan any? I couldn’t be responsible for everything . I was (then) a man completely spread thin, completely stressed out, and completely afraid and I still loved you, and would still tell you a lot of mornings “good morning dear, I hope your day goes well, Love you” and still come home and help take some of the stress of the kids from you. yes I agree we put the kids and stuff first too much, and put us on the hold. But I couldn’t be responsible for everything (or I FELT that way), even if I was the only one driving or working…. Doesn’t matter. And we could have tried….Could have taken a trip, could have done a lot of things to fix that.

I don’t want to argue. I really don’t…. So, Sorry I didn’t Stress how much I appreciated the things you did, Sorry I dealt with your anger emotions wrong.

But please don’t come at me with frowny faces. I offered to do counselling or whatever all summer, so we could continue to be and conquer our loving family."

She replied with you have a bad view of me goodbye.

 

So here i am confused hurt and like wtf.

Custody will be week on week off

Edited August 18, 2014 by Mark-e-Mark
typo

[Mark-e-Mark]

I guess i keep over analyzing this situation.... I find myself waking in the middle of the night, my head immediately starts to ponder... Did i make a mistake? Did i just let a good thing go? I feel i was justified in having her move out... But then her words will get in my head and say "well dont you think that while you were on medication (effexer XR) that perhaps you had a clouded view of me? Perhaps I am just stuck on the fact of this guy she has become so "fond" of. I have alot of different emotions going on... alot of hurt... She has come at me with "i should have never had a child with you...our daughter was 100% not planned." Which is complete BS.... " all the screaming and pushing was me fighting for love"... How do i get these thoughts out of my head!!!!

[Mark-e-Mark]

Just a quick update, on thursday we got into a small spat, over supplies for our daughter... i had sent supplies over on sunday when i dropped her off, the ex needed more, so i confronted her about pulling her weight on things our daughter needs.. anyhow she ended up guilting me into buying everything again... so i went to drop them off and just drop them off, my ex asked me to come inside to talk... i said thats not a good idea, i just want to drop this stuff off, she insisted i go inside, so i said fine, i will come see our daughter for a few, well once i got inside my ex immediately embraced me with the most loving hugs i have had in a long time, i was slightly resistant kind of pushing her away, and she held tighter, she grabbed my hands and asked me to sit knee to knee and talk, I fell right into it... after me confronting her with alot of questions, i seen, what i thought to be dishonest answers, one in particular about my ex wife... she mentioned she would prove it on facebook, i agreed, and she immediatley sat back down and said oh not right now. That was a good inkling to me of some dishonesty. So since i am on good talking terms with my ex wife, i asked her to confirm some things... turns out i was correct. So i confronted the ex fiance and bam! all hell broke loose again. Today is the day i am getting the custody papers edited and finally on the move. You know looking back at the last 3 months of trying like hell to get her to work things out, i can see alot of reasons that it may have been a mistake to try so hard. Last night i looked at an email she sent me after the "talk" and it says..." you deserve so much more than i could ever offer someone...*some flaws, etc" I actually think i can actually agree with her now.

Thanks for the replies folks.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. She's looking for an ego boost with all the self bashing she's doing.

 

 

Just remember, ONLY RESPOND TO THINGS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER AND NOTHING ELSE!

[Mark-e-Mark]

I have another post on here about my breakup.... However, I was really hoping to work things out because we had almost 5 years together and built a family and home..... HOWEVER!!!! its been 4 months now, i have been lied to, put down, and kept on a string for far too long!

 

 

She has tried to cause beef between my ex-wife (years ago), my best friend, and my family. This is a 35 yr old woman!!!! Acting as though this is a highschool breakup... Not taking into consideration that we have built a family and home together, and why??? Because she became fond of another man while we were having issues.... And I am so hurt by that, it is completely ridiculous.

 

So while she is with this other man, she is telling me that she isnt writing off getting back together sometime, she loves me, but has fears about working things out...

 

 

 

a four days ago she called me, trying to get me to not have my mom watch our daughter when its my week with her, she then started crying... Telling me it isnt fair that she doesnt get to see her baby everyday... Unfortunately for her, i did not fall for the crying and emotions, i simply said that it was a 2 way street, and that i asked her several times to work things out. I also added that she should not be coming to me with all of her emotional stuff, that it is not helping me get emotionally disconnected.

 

 

2 days ago she called me crying that she got a shut off notice for her electric and she was going to have to sell her bike.... and she thought i would be happy that she came to me for help.....I told her that it was ridiculous that she is coming to me for money, and i felt like thats all I have been to her. I said she needed to get a real job and to ask the other man for money, not me!

 

and yesterday she called me telling me that I cheated on her, When asked when? and Who? she said "oh i will tell you..... Or you know what why dont you just tell me, i will wait, so you tell me!" Ummmmm No i did not, and im not sure where you are getting your info but it is wrong. Then went on to tell me that one of my best friends was going around telling ppl that him and I "doubled teamed" his ex girlfriend....LMAO, what???? who makes that **** up...Number 1... That is completely false, and i confronted him about it... My ex said i should'nt do it lol.... Number 2... HELL NO!!! i am not gonna dude up some guy and do that! Number 3..... I have never even met this woman!

 

 

Why in gods name would a woman do this to me???? And why do i even entertain it??? Looking for some real life experience with dealing with this sort of behavior.

Thanks in advance

Edited September 25, 2014 by Mark-e-Mark

[Fix]

You have to lay down the law. If what you have said is exactly what is going on it sounds as if this woman is emotionally unstable.

 

Decide what you want, what you actually feel you want in your head and heart.

 

Do you want this woman back as your partner? That includes all the bad and all the good.

 

Or do you feel there is too much bad and you want her gone from your life?

 

Remember, she is who she is, you don't get to pick and choose. You can't say 'I want her back, but if she could just change this...'.

 

Make your mind up, and then focus on achieving your goal. If you want her back I suggest you tell her. Give it one shot, tell her in a honest and sincere way that you care for her, miss her, love her and want her back by your side as your partner. That anything less is unacceptable. Tell her you will forgive and forget everything that has happened in the past, it will be a fresh start for your family. Then you leave her with this thought, you let her decide if she wants the same things as you.

 

If you want her gone, and you just want the drama to stop then do the same. Tell her this, tell her your concern is with your child and your own life and that she will have to stay as distant as possible while remaining civil. And then simply do not engage in this drama. Ignore it, don't respond, don't give it any of your energy. Indifference.

[tiarakitty]

This might sound rude but I am actually very happy for you. That you are no longer obligated or feel responsible for this woman. The guy that she cheated on you with.. Let him get the taste of her.

 

You tell me… these characteristics that this woman posessess… do you think this other guy would want to be with her for a long time? I'm sure deep down inside you, you know what you should do. Someone who isn't emotionally stable at the age of 35, pestered her ex-lover because she couldn't afford the bills, make up stories…. Man she has a 5 year old daughter! Why is she behaving like one?

 

One day she will find nothing but regrets. Meanwhile, you live your life and focus on you and your daughter's happiness.

[mightycpa]

Spend $100 and get a lawyer to make a "cease and desist" phone call with a followup lettter.

 

Or, you can probably just enjoy more of this kind of crap until your child is fully grown, whether you get back together with her or not.

[Mark-e-Mark]

Thank you all for the replies and thoughts on the situation.... It has been a long hard 4 months. I am finally to the point where I will not stand for such bull S H I T anymore.

 

This woman tells me "she is the most emotionally wise woman she knows..She is 35 and intelligent."

 

I do feel, like when she is finished with this new exciting venture she is on with, who i do feel bad for, she is going to try and come back.

 

I feel bad for this guy because for the last four months she has been stringing me along and crying to me, pulling me in her apartment to hug and embrace me, holding my hands etc... But when asked if she has told this guy about how she feels and what she is going through, her reply is...This is between you and I, not him... She has not told him any of this. How messed up is that?

[Natsu21]

This woman is immature, irrational, and selfish: all the makings of a teenage girl. Don't expect a mature relationship from an immature person.

 

Do yourself a favor: don't try to rationalize crazy people, because they can't fully rationalize themselves. Move on and get her as far away from you as possible.

[Mark-e-Mark]

@TiaraKitty... Thank you, i have been on the fence so long now, and continued to give her chances to realize and see what all is involved in this situation. she continues to say she did not cheat on me, that my feeling betrayed is all me.... But it seems that every talk i have had with this woman, i have found lies and dishonesty. And Im sorry, but if you are with someone for almost 5 years, they confront you about the facebook friend and all the new info you know and chat about while you are still with this person... then 2 weeks after moving out are involved with this man, well.... that really doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out.

\

 

 

@Fix.... I have made it pretty clear that I would like to work things out.... I did however say that I wanted us to go to counseling to work on our communication, She does not like that..... says those Fing idiots dont know anything about her life, and then when i asked again said.... she is 35 and doesnt need someone to tell her how to communicate between her head and heart... just sounds like alot of cop outs.

 

@Natsu21..... I have told her that the fact she is acting like this is some sort of highschool split is very disheartening...... She says i am manipulating when i bring up the fact that we built a life and have children involved.

 

It is damn near impossible to talk to her about this without some sort of put down or crazy accusations.

[Mark-e-Mark]

I am posting here to avoid talking to her...

 

So during the "i need money for my electric" talk, she said she hopes i dont go see Rise Against since I didnt have money to give to her for her bills.....

 

Well I WENT! and it was awesome.... Anyhow She was wanting to talk again later that night after the "i Cheated on her talk" and i emailed her after that talk to say... (in a nutshell)... "There is no reason to call me later.... Relationships are hard and the people you care about the most or who care about you the most get hurt, and can hurt you...And if we had anything that you cared about, it would have been impossible to start seeing someone 2 weeks after you moved out. I felt betrayed and i will not be second to some other man, nor will i play second string, I think it is a slap in my face that you called me for money, next time ask him... Relationships take willingness, commitment, and building on the good things... Communication is the tool to use. When you care about someone it is easy to forgive, not forget, but forgive. And my friend has been the most loyal and honest man toward me since we were pre-teens, i did not like the "fishing" that you pulled there..

 

She did not call me.... The next day she sent me an email, i did not read until later that night" it said, I hope you enjoy your concert.... I did not reply.

 

Sunday i picked up our daughter, and she said "i tried to get ahold of you this weekend! You said there was no reason to call? so you just say your peace and thats all???? I said you have made yourself clear.... Got my daughter and left... Her face was distraught. I almost talk to her,,,, But decided to just leave. Its not easy, but I cant deal with anymore drama :-/

Edited September 29, 2014 by Mark-e-Mark

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

and yesterday she called me telling me that I cheated on her, When asked when? and Who? she said "oh i will tell you..... Or you know what why dont you just tell me, i will wait, so you tell me!" Ummmmm No i did not, and im not sure where you are getting your info but it is wrong. Then went on to tell me that one of my best friends was going around telling ppl that him and I "doubled teamed" his ex girlfriend....LMAO, what???? who makes that **** up...Number 1... That is completely false, and i confronted him about it... My ex said i should'nt do it lol.... Number 2... HELL NO!!! i am not gonna dude up some guy and do that! Number 3..... I have never even met this woman!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I've seen this before.

 

 

She's feeling guilty about screwing this other guy while she's married to you. So, she has to convince herself that you're doing it to her so she can ease her own guilt. If she got you to admit that you were cheating on her, then that just gives her permission to forgive herself about cheating on you.

 

 

Problem is, by what you're saying, you haven't been cheating on her. Now, it's eating her up.

[Mark-e-Mark]

Correct, I have not cheated on her. CLARIFY...We were engaged to be married... Were not married yet.

 

This is a fun story though..... When i was divorced from my exwife @ the age of 23...i know dumb and young.... I will never forget the day I checked my bank account only to find it completely empty (my friends and family warned me...But i didnt listen) i was furious, and when i arrived home, i blocked the driveway with my car...She pulled in and i confronted her about it, She had a stern face and when asked.... She replied it is away and safe.... I was filled with rage and i Think she was trying to get me to explode on her or hit her or something, i was mad enough i probably could have.... Instead, I gave her a hug and told her i loved her, walked away. She was blown away lol.

 

It is amazing the emotions one goes through when they realize they have done wrong. Instead of coming out and saying they have done wrong, they try to justify it.

[Mark-e-Mark]

Posting to help NC......

After the ridiculous call the otherday, I emailed her to say there was no reason to call me back, that relationships take commitment and willingness. I stated that i am not second string and come 2nd to no other man in this situation.... She tried to talk when picking daughter up etc... i did not.

 

She sent a text yesterday asking who to call about a doctor appointment????? I am not trying to be a dick by any means... But i did not reply. There was no need to get ahold of me for this.

[Chi townD]

If it was for a Doctors appointment for your daughter; then, yeah...you need to respond to those. If it was for HER Doctor's appointment. Ignore it.

[Mark-e-Mark]

I always make sure my children are properly taken care of... I have for 12 years now and never intend on changing that. I take a massive amount of pride in my fatherly duties

 

This was for her. So i just let it go... I think it was one of those "are you still there" moves.

[Chi townD]

I always make sure my children are properly taken care of... I have for 12 years now and never intend on changing that. I take a massive amount of pride in my fatherly duties

 

This was for her. So i just let it go... I think it was one of those "are you still there" moves.

 

You're right. It probably was. Ex's usually figure out that you only talk to them when it concerns the kids. So, they call you for really trivial things about the kids, THEN they try and change the subject an talk about personal crap.

 

 

What I usually tell people is let everything go to voicemail. If it's not about the kids, ignore it. If it's about the kids, then TEXT her your response about the kids. Try not to call, text.

[Mark-e-Mark]

So today, I was contacted to have our daughter FaceTime her after school. I replied with "I will". She then emailed me to hope I have a good day, and that she can't believe MY oldest daughter is now 12. I did not get involved in the conversation. However it still eats me about last Sunday, she said she wanted to talk, after I emailed her and told her that there isn't a reason to talk, that she made it pretty clear. I'm still skeptical that she was trying to keep me "hooked" any takers?

[Mark-e-Mark]

Ok... need some thoughts on this one.... So i have been in NC for almost 3 weeks now, i mean, i have not spoke to her about anything other than about our daughter (and it was only like 3 times, very short answers) anyhow, today i picked up our daughter to go to dinner, she tried to "talk"... I said i'd rather not, she said im sick of you hating me, we need to be friends, i said im not your friend, and i drove off..... WELL when i returned, she was very adamant about me giving her 5 minutes... I kissed our daughter and said i had to go... Well she ran to my car and opened my door... Went off about some things, I said, "you know what!! i didnt ... Nevermind" i asked her to get away from my door, she wouldnt, so i just started closing it, she finally got out of the way, but then as i was pulling away says..."have fun being alone!!!!!!" What in the hell is this behavior about???? I just said, "I'm not alone" she replied i bet not, then i drove off...

She tried calling me, i didn't answer.

Any thoughts on this??

And thanks to all who have taken the time to read or comment, this site has really been a safe haven for me!