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Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 8th August 2014, 9:25 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by TaraMaiden View Post
The All-New 2014 Caliguy and TaraMaiden No Contact Guide!

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?
A.
No, absolutely not -
They should teach this piece of advice in schools!

The answers given to this one question are absolutely right! God I wish I'd had this piece of advice when I broke up from a intense relationship, many years ago. I did everything wrong, the exact opposite of this advice and suffered like hell for it. After stringing me along she finally went back to her old boyfriend and sent me a 'dear john, it isn't working as friends' letter.

Last edited by jackslife; 8th August 2014 at 9:35 AM..
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Old 8th August 2014, 9:41 AM   #47
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They should teach this piece of advice in schools!

The answers given to this one question are absolutely right! God I wish I'd had this piece of advice when I broke up from a intense relationship, many years ago. I did everything wrong, the exact opposite of this advice and suffered like hell for it. After stringing me along she finally went back to her old boyfriend and sent me a 'dear john, it isn't working as friends' letter.
Wow what a bitch ^
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Old 8th August 2014, 4:05 PM   #48
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Yeah! LOL

Imagine watching a film regarding NC and staying friends after you've split. The film would show a guy making every nc mistake in the book, trying to be friends, hoping to get back together. Listening to her problems re boyfriends. Imagine watching that movie and shouting at the screen "for gods sake stop it, she's using you!!!!"

That was me! Silly sod!
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Old 9th August 2014, 11:14 PM   #49
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My ex called me and since my phone was on low battery, my phone turned off. I was going to check and see who it was but I couldn't so I checked it the next day. Later I see that it was her call but I don't return it. Instead i do the stupid thing and break nc by checking on her fb, whatsapp, and viber. I see she blocked me on whatsapp too. On most circumstances, I would let this go, but now I'm doing mental gymnastics and I need to know why she would block me after calling me.

Is it cuz she thinks I turned my phone off?

What does she want? NC guide says to ignore but under these circumstances...

Last edited by Bumpin in My Trunk; 9th August 2014 at 11:17 PM..
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Old 10th August 2014, 7:19 PM   #50
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I haven't been in contact for 50 days, that's when I wrote my last email.

He hasn't contacted me for 46 days.

We broke up 70 days ago.

This is the first time since NC that I really miss him and it's not out of desperation.

I feel like checking in... Last time he wrote he said maybe let's talk when you're back from vacation. I didn't write and he didn't either.

Tell me I shouldn't. And why.
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Old 14th August 2014, 4:39 PM   #51
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No contact success after being dumped for someone else?

Success= the ex tries coming back or contacting regardless if you took them back or not and if so how long
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Old 17th September 2014, 6:04 AM   #52
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Day 2 here, I'm sad/angry/bleary eyed/tired but I'm NOT a wreck, and I'm very proud to say that, I haven't let this break up own me like others have before. I'm still going to work, although maybe not functioning at 100% efficiency, I'm still eating and I'm still taking my mum's dog out and enjoying music (which is what my life revolves around).

Having said that I know it's still early days and there's still a lot more healing to come, so I'm not getting ahead of myself. I may even be in denial or shock, I'm not too sure at the moment.

I have been in NC since the moment I was dumped.

Facebook - GONE
Instagram - GONE
Her numer - not gone because I know it off by heart anyway, so there's not much point in deleting it. I'm NOT going to contact her though, because I know it only brings more hurting, I have learnt from this in the past.
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Old 20th September 2014, 11:13 AM   #53
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I've been no contact for two days he has so much of my belongings is it too soon to ask a friend to go to him to ask for my things? Or do I just keep quiet and drop off the face of the earth for awhile ?? I don't want to make him think I'm initiating any form of contact
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Old 21st September 2014, 5:25 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by Just smile View Post
I've been no contact for two days he has so much of my belongings is it too soon to ask a friend to go to him to ask for my things? Or do I just keep quiet and drop off the face of the earth for awhile ?? I don't want to make him think I'm initiating any form of contact
omg same here ^^
but the thing is my x still has some of my stuff, haven't talked to him in over a month tho so idk if he's waiting for me to contact him to give me my stuff but so far i have gone M.I.A well i still follow his friends on insta and i'm not gonna put my life on hold just for him either!
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Old 22nd September 2014, 2:54 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by TaraMaiden View Post
Benign Indifference.
That's what you're aiming for.
I will absolutely agree with everything said in this post EXCEPT for this one particular statement. Although indifference WILL give you what it is that truly helps after a breakup, it's not the ONLY way of achieving this. And the true answer is this: becoming unaffected.

That may seem like splitting hairs, and to an extent, it is. I won't deny that. Like I said, indifference WILL give you the sense of being unaffected. But indifference is NOT the only way of achieving that.

I think back to the second woman I ever loved. We haven't spoken since Dec 2007. At that time, she was threatening a restraining order against me for still contacting her three months after the breakup in early Sept 2007. That essentially forced me to go NC finally (long before I'd ever studied any relationship psychology at all).

To this day, I still love this woman. I'm not IN LOVE with her, but I care about her, want what's best for her, and would do anything I could (while still taking care of my own needs first) to make her happy. But anything that might happen at this point would leave me totally unaffected. It IS possible to care about someone yet be unaffected by them. And if you're a true lover at heart, do not feel like you have to stop loving the person in order to achieve that.

You simply have to train this skill (being unaffected / emotionally detached from this person) just like you would any other skill in life. And it's not something that happens instantaneously. It's not something that happens after a single epiphany. In fact, you may have multiple epiphanies along this journey before you truly, without a doubt, feel that sensation of unaffectedness (yes, I'm making up words now). But that's ultimately what you have to realize here: You're not choosing to feel this way, and in the same manner, you can't choose to just NOT feel this way.

I have no idea if this thread is still being monitored/maintained, but if so, I would highly suggest changing the wording of this particular line for the reasons I've listed above.
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Old 22nd September 2014, 5:25 AM   #56
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Originally Posted by Hope737 View Post
I've got to say, this site and you guys have been amazing over the past year or so. I'm not a regular poster but when I have, the responses have been very helpful and honest.

Anyway, I went down the no contact route with my ex. I'd not spoken to her or had any contact with her for about 11 months. I must admit, I have seen her a few times and exchanged a few glances as unfortunately we work for the same company. This isn't how we met however, we were childhood friends and it's pure coincidence we ended up at the same company.

So yeah, 11 months of solid no contact was the other day, broken. She approached me at work and basically came straight out with it and asked why I had stopped speaking to her (I was the one to initiate NC). I could do nothing to avoid her. I did the usual explaining of how I needed a clean break. I must admit, it was fantastic to speak to her again as she was once my closest friend. We spoke about the past and had a great laugh together before she dropped her bombshell. She's moved on, in a new relationship and she now lives with this new guy. I sure as hell wish I could've moved on so easily.

It then hit me, it was like losing her all over again. Realising that she had genuinely moved on when I was still recovering was a right kick to the stomach.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how difficult it is, MAINTAIN no contact. Ignorance really is bliss. She now expects us to be friends again and I'm going to try damn hard to make a friendship work but it's going to be a difficult road.

Listen to the advice on here from all the guys, no contact really is paramount in helping yourself recover. Don't break it like I did after 11 months!

All the best!





Such a great example why NC is so crucial! Your story helped me a lot. I definitely don't want to end up in a situation where I'm back at square one. NC it is, no matter how painful it is!!!
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Old 22nd September 2014, 5:30 AM   #57
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Originally Posted by Lifegoezon View Post
I love this guide. Today is a bad day for me though and I'm just wondering whether our NC somehow lets the dumpers of the hook a bit by letting them think we don't mind being dumped. So they feel no guilt. I'm not planning on giving up my dignity by breaking NC but i'd prefer if he felt some shame about what he did. Then again maybe nothing would make him ashamed anyway.




LifeGoezon,
I felt the exact same way. In the end, I really just wanted him to feel shame for what he did and how he treated me. But in reality, he doesn't have the heart to feel ashamed for anything, he thinks he did no wrong. These people are called narcissists. Don't give up your dignity for him, it's not worth it. It will only add to his ego! I know this post you wrote was so long ago, but I hope you're sticking to the NC or maybe you have moved on by now!!!
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Old 22nd September 2014, 5:33 AM   #58
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Exclamation

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Originally Posted by elseaacych View Post
I feel kind of like one of those cheesy testimonials you see on TV, but, No Contact has worked! It has given me faith in myself that I don't need my ex in my life to keep me happy. Love doesn't beg or plead. It is strong and steadfast, and by maintaining no contact I've been able to maintain my dignity as I go through the whirlwind of emotions associated with the breakup.

By the way, what is the 180 guide?



Love this post! So inspiring! Keeping NC really does help keep your dignity and bring your happiness back. Once you get rid of the bad, you're able to do whatever you want in life!
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Old 22nd September 2014, 5:36 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by DownNtOut View Post
You can read in my profile my back story if you like.

I am over 5 months into NC with my ex girlfriend.
Im keeping myself busy, I have a new job,
planning holidays and trips with my friends,
going out to concerts, buying new clothes
and i am exercising and eating well.

I am staying strong with the NC.

But i admit i still think about her, alot of things remind me of her.
I hear music or see a film that i know she would like.
I wonder what she is doing.

Im goin to keep no contact and hope that soon
i will loose the feelings i have for her.





This is exactly what I'm doing in hopes that things will get better! And they will, whether we see it in moments of darkness or not. They ALWAYS get better!!! Happy to hear you're focusing on yourself, thats the best way to get over something!! I hope you stuck to your NC
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Old 22nd September 2014, 5:39 AM   #60
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DISCLAIMER: I am only a first timer when it comes to breakups, so I don't actually have any experience with breadcrumbs.

Somethin I have observed, through scouring this forum is that answering breadcrumbs only seems to beget more breadcrumbs. Why? Because breadcrumbs are lazy communications that dumpers use out of curiosity in the dumpee's affairs, just to "check in". The dumper may do this out of a perceived obligation, ie, a birthday. But subconsciously they want to see if you're still around for them.

If you respond once, you send the signal that it is okay to send more breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs cause anxiety for the dumpee because they don't know "what it means", and the dumpee will just try to analyze the hell out of it. The best thing you can do is just to ignore it.

If the breadcrumb is supposed to lead to something more, they will make it clear that you know what their intentions are.





You couldn't have taken the words out of my mouth any better! The dumper only contacts you every now and then to see if they still have a hold on you, for power, for ego. Its not that they truly care for you. The best thing we can do is keep our dignity and stick to NC and move on so happiness can actually find us. If we're stuck in the past, happiness will never find us!
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