What are the chances of getting back together with my ex? 4 years together

[jaffa222]

What are my chances of getting my ex back?

 

She is 21, I’m 23.

 

She is in college, no work.

I’m finished with the college and I run my own business (I’m not uber-rich, but I make a lot more than average). But that’s not the main point.

 

I was together with my girlfriend for 4+ years. We had some minor on/off periods - nothing serious since we were both relatively young.

 

However, in July we broke up. She told me she needs some “time and space” to figure out what she wants from this life.

 

There where some issues in the relationship: miscommunication, I was extremely clingy and insecure, because she was very attractive thus guys were chatting with her constantly. At the same time, I had some rough times and I was pretty mad, angry and nervous all the time.

 

When we broke up I started accusing her for everything. I think I pushed her away and she started to date someone else (rebound?!).

 

Then I went NC for 2 weeks until she dumped her rebound.

 

Then we had some low-contact, where she told me that she never gets over me and she still loves me, but doesn’t want to be together at the same time. We hung out couple of times (2-3 weeks), had sex etc, but she didn’t move in. Then I finally told her that I can’t live like that and if you don’t want to fully reconcile and commit for this relationship then we should not contact for a while.

 

She said it’s a bad idea and she told me that we will be together sooner or later, she just wants to fix HERSELF so she could marry me and have kids in the future.

 

Now we have been in no contact for 10 days. She has tried to contact me few times - something along the lines:

 

“Hey, whats up”

“Do you remember that TV show that we used to watch, it was awesome!”

“Then she sent me some link to an article of how couples should treat each other in relationship”

 

I haven’t answered, because if we will not reconcile, it’s wise to stop contact ASAP.

 

I haven’t heard from her few days, but she has completely CRAZY on facebook/instagram. She is posting pics of herself on daily basis as well as “Motivational quotes” like:

 

“To release the old and embrace the new, some people you know need to become you knew”

“New begginnings bla boa”

 

What does it mean? IMHO it means that she is still a MESS and doesn’t know what she wants from life. I’m ready to be with her, I’ve learned my mistakes and I’ve become MUCH more calm person.

 

I even started to hit gym again and put more effort on my outlook. I’m doing my best to keep myself better and better, but she is driving me nuts. I’ve been trying to avoid her social media profiles, but I still visit them like once a day or so (although I don’t want to).

 

What do you suggest? What are my chances of getting her back? She is kinda lonely person ( not much female friends, only guys who want’s to bang her), thus she is “living out” on FB/insta. I kinda feel sad for her, but I agree with her that she needs to fix herself before diving into another relationship.

 

Any advice/suggestions are more than welcome.

 

***TL;DR***

 

I was together with my GF for 4+ years. She wanted to engage, marry, have kids etc. Out of the blue, she left me and told me she needs some space. We had some low contact and she told me she still loves me, but wants to FIX herself FIRST. I told her that we should be in NC since this situation is hurting me and will see what future brings.

 

WE have been in NC for 10 days, she has tried to contact me couple of times, but I haven't answered. Now she is going crazy on FB/INSTAGRAM - posting tons of pictures of herself etc.

 

What should I do? Do I have chances to get her back?

[PegNosePete]

WE have been in NC for 10 days, she has tried to contact me couple of times, but I haven't answered. Now she is going crazy on FB/INSTAGRAM - posting tons of pictures of herself etc.

If you are in NC then why are you FB stalking her? I think you need to look up how to do NC properly.

 

Dude she doesn't want to be with you. She wants you on the back burner ready to eat later, while she goes around having her cake. Are you happy to be treated like that? You seem to be quite happy waiting like a puppy dog while she tries out all the other guys in the local area. Oh and chances are extremely high that she was cheating on you before she dumped you. All the signs are there.

 

Don't be the back burner guy, it never, ever works out well.

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, be honest with yourself. You're on her social media because you want to check it. If you really didn't want to, you'd have blocked/deleted her by now. That's rather normal after a break-up, but don't tell yourself you don't want to.

 

Second, 10 days of NC is very little, and it isn't really NC if you're checking her social media accounts. It's not enough for her to have found herself and suddenly be ready for a healthy relationship. Same goes for you. How did you turn from jealous and angry to a much calmer person in the short time you've been broken up? In my experience, those types of issues require a lot more time to repair than a couple months.

 

Third, if she's still such a mess and doesn't know what she wants from life, why are you entertaining the idea of reconciling? That is a recipe for disaster, generally. Her rebound didn't work out so now she's looking for you again..how does that make you feel, OP?

 

Stay off her FB/IG/etc. Go real no contact and take real time away, then re-assess.

[mightycpa]

The happier and more frequent the facebook posts, the needier the poster. What kind of sad sack needs all that validation for the things they do?

 

"Oh, I just had some butter with my toast, it was TOTALLY SCRUMPTIOUS!" accompanied by an actual picture of butter on toasted bread.

 

"Here are me and three of my bestest friends, out for a night of whoring at Alpha Beta Gamma formal dance! Look at how good and how happy I look! Look at me with the cool kids! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" again accompanied by a picture of four women dressed like streetwalkers, one of which is your exGF. The stranger who is planning to ram her tonsils into the back of her throat is the guy taking the picture, by the way.

 

Can you imagine? What if your neighbor came over in the AM to tell you that? People on facebook are in-****ing-credibly needy, in my opinion, of course.

 

This is just to remind you that whoever it is you end up with needs to be happy with themselves before you will ever be happy with them. This girl is going to do whatever it is she wants to do. Let her do it in peace.

 

Hit the gym, find a girl with a job who's making some good money, and have a great time. Don't worry about love and all that. Love will find you when it is time. For now, just go have a good time, and leave all that adolescent **** behind you.

[jaffa222]

First of all, be honest with yourself. You're on her social media because you want to check it. If you really didn't want to, you'd have blocked/deleted her by now. That's rather normal after a break-up, but don't tell yourself you don't want to.

 

Second, 10 days of NC is very little, and it isn't really NC if you're checking her social media accounts. It's not enough for her to have found herself and suddenly be ready for a healthy relationship. Same goes for you. How did you turn from jealous and angry to a much calmer person in the short time you've been broken up? In my experience, those types of issues require a lot more time to repair than a couple months.

 

Third, if she's still such a mess and doesn't know what she wants from life, why are you entertaining the idea of reconciling? That is a recipe for disaster, generally. Her rebound didn't work out so now she's looking for you again..how does that make you feel, OP?

 

Stay off her FB/IG/etc. Go real no contact and take real time away, then re-assess.

 

I've been thinking about going on a travel trip for 2 weeks. My days are boring as hell and I'm doing my best to keep myself busy with different activities, but not every day. Just wondering, how long does it take to get over the initial heartbreak?

[d0nnivain]

When she brought up the idea of marriage, what was your reaction? If it wasn't 100% positive at the time, she felt rejected & that rejection slowly poisoned her.

 

Another possibility is that as she nears the end of college, this transition stage is making her re-evaluate her life. She may have serious doubts about how you fit into her adulthood. Hence her request for space.

 

However, because you were part of each other's lives for 4 years, she's not simply walking away. It's more gradual.

 

Unless your insecurities have magically dissolved, the prospect of going backwards for her is not a good one. She doesn't need to be in a relationship where you are clingy & constantly accusing her of stuff.

 

If you want to reconcile, talk to her. If she doesn't want to talk to you, walk away & don't look back because your chances to fix this are 0

[jaffa222]

When she brought up the idea of marriage, what was your reaction? If it wasn't 100% positive at the time, she felt rejected & that rejection slowly poisoned her.

 

Another possibility is that as she nears the end of college, this transition stage is making her re-evaluate her life. She may have serious doubts about how you fit into her adulthood. Hence her request for space.

 

However, because you were part of each other's lives for 4 years, she's not simply walking away. It's more gradual.

 

Unless your insecurities have magically dissolved, the prospect of going backwards for her is not a good one. She doesn't need to be in a relationship where you are clingy & constantly accusing her of stuff.

 

If you want to reconcile, talk to her. If she doesn't want to talk to you, walk away & don't look back because your chances to fix this are 0

 

She brought up engagement/marriage several times, but I had trust issues with her so I just told her that we will get married, but not now.

 

She does want to talk with me, but she doesn't want to reconcile. I just don't want to be her doormat or friend zone guy. I think that this "space" does actually more good than harm. I'm not ready to contact her and get rejected or friend zoned.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been thinking about going on a travel trip for 2 weeks. My days are boring as hell and I'm doing my best to keep myself busy with different activities, but not every day. Just wondering, how long does it take to get over the initial heartbreak?

 

It's different for everyone; there's no way to say how long it will take for you. But I can guarantee it will take longer if you continue to check her social media. Go dark on her - for you. There's zero reason to sustain contact at this point in time. She became dependent on your attention even tough she doesn't appear to have been in love anymore. Don't let yourself become her source of validation.

[jaffa222]

Update: Today she actually tried to call me and sent a text message by saying:

 

"Hey, I want to meet you.."

"Is it possible? ;)"

 

Doesn't know what to think about it. My phone was shut down that time and she probably might thought that I have blocked her - I don't know.

 

Should I meet her? Probably no.

Should I text her back?

Should I ignore?

[ExpatInItaly]

Update: Today she actually tried to call me and sent a text message by saying:

 

"Hey, I want to meet you.."

"Is it possible? ;)"

 

Doesn't know what to think about it. My phone was shut down that time and she probably might thought that I have blocked her - I don't know.

 

Should I meet her? Probably no.

Should I text her back?

Should I ignore?

 

Do not meet her. I would either ignore or simply text back, "No. It's not possible." She seems to have forgotten you're not Plan B.

[jaffa222]

Thanks for your opinions. I've been ignoring her.

She has tried to contact me today again, event sent me a small email; "Answer your phone, I want to talk with you", but I didn't reply.

[PegNosePete]

Keep up the good work (NC).

 

She's probably just upset because some other dude rejected her, and wants you to make her feel better.