I was there for him

[tiredofwasting]

I'm tired of running into the same type of guy. They look sweet and nice and stable initially, then you get to know them and they take a turn on you and all of a sudden have all these issues. Wtf. My last 2 exes have been carbon copies of each other.

 

I dated an older divorced man for 9 months and msot of that was long distance. I was freaking there for him. He has a kid and couldnt find work in our state so he left. I was faithful, I was supportive, I listened to him, offered to help....understanding...he even said I was these things...but it wasn't freaking enough. He used his financial issues and him not being able to see his daughter as an excuse to become completely asshattery to me. Being disrespectful, lashing out at small things, being cold and unresponsiveness, mean and ****. Wouldn't even come see me or let me see him. I spent over 200 on a damn ticket that he cancelled (he had a good story) the day before I was to fly. I told him i lvoed him and he told me he didnt feel the same way. Well how the hell is that after all of this ****? When you were kicked out and about to be homeless and I was there, there through it all, gentle and everything, and you don't wanna see me, you dont wanna be respectful or nice to me, you dont wannna love me. How? In the beginning he eluded to the fact that he did and then after I say it months later all of a sudden no, he don't feel that way. So many ****ing times he made me fool so foolish. So many ****ing times he said hurtful things to me for no good reasons, trying to get me out of his life without actually doing it himself, the coward. I had to end it a month ago because of him. I was tired of the disrespect and ended it and he tried telling me he missed me, throwing me breadcrumbs. I told him seriously? You did this, that and this, you clearly dont want me and arent ready. If you dont have anything new to say leave me alone. Well that was the last of the back and forth and we dont speak now. I threw him the bait, told him basically how i felt and how i wish he'd get it together and treat me right, and he doesnt take it. He just lets me go. He never ****ing wanted me. Wasted 9 months and 224 dollars plus how many it'll cost to give him damn stuff back (I said i would so i gotta keep my word). Wasted emotions, wasted time, wasted dignity, wasted ****ing everything. Why love, why waste time, why be there for a man when he wont even ****ing want you or give a **** about hurting you? I ****ing hate him. I genuinely loved and cared about him and it meant nothing. **** him and the next woman he will start to ****. Through with ****ing love.

Edited September 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dontfindme]

I can see that you're angry, many of us have been there, and it's okay. I'm sure you will realize that it isn't worth being angry over someone who doesn't want, nor deserve the kind of love that you have to offer. But until then, channel the anger into something positive. Why not go out for a run - or some sort of exercise?

 

I've recently taken up running, and it has helped me incredibly. I know it is great for my body, but I mainly do it to clear my mind. When you're out running, that's really all there is - everything else melts away. Good luck!

[LostOnes05]

I gather you're angry. Listen I've been there, done that (I'm a guy though) for women. It's not a man or woman thing...it's a selfish thing. People can be stupid, and utterly selfish to the folks doing the most for them. This is the first thing you have to understand. If someone isn't pulling their weight in the relationship, bring it up. If it doesn't change, get out of there. I learned this lesson the hard way. The guy who is meant for you will have none of these characteristics. Just think if you did all this for someone who didn't love you, what you could do for someone who does (and what they would be willing to do for you as well)!! Stay strong and try not to let it get you down.

[heartshaped]

Not gonna coddle you.

 

Yes, he sounds like a jerk, but why would you put up with that? It sounds like there is something in you that accepts this type of behavior [up until a point]. You need to adjust your standards because there's nothing about this guy that sounds "nice, sweet, and stable".

[tiredofwasting]

Not gonna coddle you.

 

Yes, he sounds like a jerk, but why would you put up with that? It sounds like there is something in you that accepts this type of behavior [up until a point]. You need to adjust your standards because there's nothing about this guy that sounds "nice, sweet, and stable".

 

Nobody wants you to "coddle" me.

 

I did end it so no, I didnt accept it.

[mightycpa]

I dated an older divorced man for 9 months and msot of that was long distance.

 

And it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old ball game!

 

Ideally, those are dealbreakers for a single gal. But, maybe you're older, in a small town with limited prospects. OK, so maybe you almost have to accept one of those flaws. But all three? No wonder you're not winning at the game of love.

[mightycpa]

I've recently taken up running, and it has helped me incredibly.

 

Worked for me too. The dopamine rush made the breakup brain chemicals fade, then go away.

[Seraque]

Yes, let it out! I personally like anger it means you are seeing things for what they are instead of just pining after the douchebags. You will move on to bigger and better things!

[tiredofwasting]

I had to get it out. It was boiling up inside me for a month. I know I will find much, much better. I'm young. Just so angry. I will try running.

[heartshaped]

They look sweet and nice and stable initially, then you get to know them and they take a turn on you and all of a sudden have all these issues.

 

My point is the moment you see these guys for who they really are you should end it, but you don't. Here you are nine months later with this guy, complaining about it, and looking for sympathy. You trust too easily and put up with crap you shouldn't and then you want to blame them.

 

Anyone can seem nice, sweet, and stable initially. Do you know why? Because initially you don't know the person.

 

I'd be willing to bet you have a history of dating these types of men.

[tiredofwasting]

My point is the moment you see these guys for who they really are you should end it, but you don't. Here you are nine months later with this guy, complaining about it, and looking for sympathy. You trust too easily and put up with crap you shouldn't and then you want to blame them.

 

Anyone can seem nice, sweet, and stable initially. Do you know why? Because initially you don't know the person.

 

I'd be willing to bet you have a history of dating these types of men.

 

I honestly don't care what you think. You're obviously mad about your own relationship issues and are bringing your own baggage to a online user you dont even know. No one wants sympathy from you, get over yourself, you're not that important. I'd block you if I knew how but since I dont this will be the last post I will direct to you and the last one I will read from you.

[endlessabyss]

Sounds like low-self esteem to me.

 

Time to re-evaluate.

 

Good luck!

[tiredofwasting]

Sounds like low-self esteem to me.

 

Time to re-evaluate.

 

Good luck!

 

There are a bunch of people here that have been in relationships like this and have been angry after. This has happened to many people reading. MANY people. Many people have been in semi-long relationships and have gone through this. It isn't some simple, black and white thing. If it was, many people wouldn't stay for long or be angry after. A lot of people have self esteem issues. That's why we have this site.

[loversquarrel]

Well you have dated the same type of guy twice in a row...... try taking some time to get to know what it is you truly want in a relationship and correct some of your poor choices in men. Correct some things about you, otherwise you ultimately become the common denominator.

[mightycpa]

Hi,

 

I read some of your most recent posts, and boy, YOU ARE PISSED.

 

So I've decided to help you.

 

I was freaking there for him. He has a kid and couldnt find work in our state so he left. I was faithful, I was supportive, I listened to him, offered to help....understanding...he even said I was these things...but it wasn't freaking enough.

 

You have it 100% backwards. It was too freaking much. I hate to say it, but this is exactly when you should have bailed.

 

Can't keep a job? Sayonara.

Gotta move away? So long.

Nearly homeless? Not for me.

 

Yeah, it can be considered cold and somewhat heartless, but you know what? As much as you say that you've found the same man over and over, I'm going to bet that you're the same woman over and over when they bring their troubles to your doorstep. You need to start being a little more picky. You're not getting enough respect, and I think I see why.

 

This is my gift to you.

[Dontfindme]

Hi,

 

I read some of your most recent posts, and boy, YOU ARE PISSED.

 

So I've decided to help you.

 

 

 

You have it 100% backwards. It was too freaking much. I hate to say it, but this is exactly when you should have bailed.

 

Can't keep a job? Sayonara.

Gotta move away? So long.

Nearly homeless? Not for me.

 

Yeah, it can be considered cold and somewhat heartless, but you know what? As much as you say that you've found the same man over and over, I'm going to bet that you're the same woman over and over when they bring their troubles to your doorstep. You need to start being a little more picky. You're not getting enough respect, and I think I see why.

 

This is my gift to you.

 

Hey, sorry to interject here - curiosity got the best of me.

 

Why should she have bailed because he was going through some rough times? And why is her being supportive not getting her the respect she's looking for?

 

If I were in her shoes, I feel I would want to help a partner out if he was going through some hard times. I would like to be there for him - because I care for him. Does that send out the wrong message?

 

Also, if the roles were reversed (girl's going through tough times - guy wants to help) would you advise the same?

[mightycpa]

Don't be sorry... we're all pals. Nobody's right or wrong, just a bunch of opinions out in the ether....

 

I'll tell you why bailing is the right move, at least in this case:

 

I said it in my first post; this guy had too many negatives:

 

He's divorced with a kid. Not optimal. Then he can't find work. That's a serious problem for a guy with child support payments or custody. He's going to be under a lot of self-created pressure. Not the right mindset for starting a relatively new relationship. Then, things get so bad he's almost homeless. That's more pressure, and this is simply not conducive to having a relationship, much less building one. He's got to neglect the relationship because he has bigger fish to fry. And he might start feeling a little inadequate or resentful because of his situation. Not her fault, but that doesn't matter.

 

The point is that this guy has not just one, but a series of negatives that demand attention. He's a male drama queen. Oh, I lost my wife! Oh, I lost my job! Oh, I've got to worry about my kid! Oh, I lost my house! Oh, you're stressing me! Oh, I don't want to see you.

 

Next, the guy moves away to get work. I can't imagine why she didn't cut her losses here. This guy's got problems and the new job in a new state didn't magically make them all go away. Now he has to get settled in a new place, make arrangements for seeing the kid, apply himself to the job... again, no time for a relationship. Too much pressure.

 

It is so predictable. Who needs that ****? I mean really? If you met the guy when he was almost homeless, would you start to date him? Why would you have a steady BF/GF where you needed a plane ticket to see them?

 

Sometimes, you just have to try too hard. Unless you're in some very LTR and the distance is part of a temporary plan, it is just not worth it. Being there counts for a whole lot with me. If I was dating you seriously, I'd want to be with you. If we couldn't make that work pretty soon.... life is too short.

 

So, that's my opinion. And reverse the sexes? Same difference. I dated a few girls who had trouble keeping their jobs or getting good jobs that paid well. Drama, drama, drama and more problems and drama. Then I started dating girls who had fulfilling careers. So much better. So much easier. We could focus on us, rather than the problems. Life is a lot better without problems, and I decided that this is the type of person that I would pursue.

 

Do problems crop up? Sure, but with this kind of person, I found that problems got handled quickly. They weren't disruptive, and while I could offer sympathy, nobody needed my support. There's a difference.

 

Anyway, that's just me. She's obviously sick of this ****. Want to change the outcome? Change your approach. That's true for just about everything in life.

[Dontfindme]

Mightycpa, thanks for breaking that down for me.

I see what you're saying. I think I went ahead and assumed (wrongly) that their relationship was a long, steady one which just took a turn for the worse.

 

You're right, I would be hesitant to jump into a relationship wth someone like her ex- knowing full well all of the stressors, and the baggage in his life.

 

I really like the idea of changing my approach to get to a different outcome. It's obvious, but it's really resonating with me right now.

[tiredofwasting]

I want to thank the poster who has helped me.

 

As for the ones trying to be smartasses and start fights for no reason, I have NOT dated the same type of guy "over and over" so stop telling me who I have dated and what kind of woman I am, none of you know a thing about who I have dated and what kind of woman I am. I simply said that the LAST TWO were the same. You dont know who and how many guys I dated BEFORE them so you have no right to tell me who I am and what I allow and that I deserve it. NO ONE deserves to be treated like **** after they help their partner out who has faced tough times. DONT tell me I deserve it. I KNOW I dont deserve it. If I was the one facing hard times I would want them to be there for me too.

 

And furthermore, telling me Im to blame when he is the one who did me wrong (I didnt do anything wrong but be there for my partner when he was in tough times) does nothing but give men excuses to keep acting that way to other women they date because they read responses like you people's, and they think to themselves "Oh it's the woman's fault so I can keep doing what Im doing." DO not tell me I deserve it when I deserve NOTHING but the same respect and support I give, and do not make excuses for these men. That's like telling a woman she deserves to be raped because she was wearing a short skirt and he's just a man with weak flesh, what more was he to do? BULL****. He can control his damn self, he's a grown ass man. AND I told his ass that TOO, so do not tell me what I allowed. AND dont tell me that what you would have done is what I should have done. Shoulda, woulda, coulda: you do not know WHAT you would do unless you are in a situation in that moment, and another thing: LIFE and love is NOT that simple. People make all sorts of decisions YOU may not agree with for all SORTS of reasons you do not know about. SO do not disrespect me for my decisions in that relationship. Walk in my shoes before you start throwing stones.

 

So to those people: either give real advice or take your mean ass comments in attempts to start fights ELSEWHERE.

Edited September 22, 2014 by tiredofwasting