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All the signals were there.... :'(


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Hey everyone! This is going to be long, im sorry. But i really need the help :'(

 

I have been dating this lovely sweet girl from my work for the past 4 months. Both of us has been taking it slow and easy, and just let love play its part. It has taken me 2½ years since my last relationship to actually have and show emotions towards a girl, so obviously i was very happy to have met this wonderful girl. I'm 26 and she's 21.

 

Since the first time we dated, we really had a connection. We've been going on roadtrips, going to museums, just spooning and having great sex all day etc. An evening 2 months ago we both began crying and said to each other "I'm in love with you". The same night after some drinks, she looked into my eyes and said

"*my name*, im not just in love with you. Im totally into you, and im very very very much in love with you". During our relationship we have been seeing each other 2-3 days a week, as we both need our space. However we have been texting, snapping and calling many times each day.

 

While we have been dating and ongoing issue has been her ex. He stalks her. Texts, calls, showing up at her house and at her work all the time. He's really in love with her, and wants her to come to his therapy meeting. As he's there due to his love for her. She has allways been very open to me about, what was going on with him. She says he's very jealous of me and cries alot due to that. However she says she can't cut him, as he feels pity for him and are afraid he eventually will commit suicide. As we talked about this stuff she ensures me with: "I'm only with you", "I only want to be with you" and "you have me right where you want me, hon"

 

Now and then i sense a very fragile and wounded girl. Her father has neglected her, abandoned her and has been drunk during her childhood. He even forgot her last birthday.

When her ex showed up while i was there, she was scared to death, trembling. She once told me about him being a monster, and she had been hiding from him during a weekendtrip them and their mutual friends have had. She told me he has been very very mean to her and hurt her alot. However she wouldnt go into details. I really has this feeling that, her ex has been hitting her and cheating on her

 

During our relationship her mother and best friend has said that she seemed alot happier now, and how lovly it was that she has found someone, that treated her well at last.

 

3 weeks ago we had a smaller argument, lasting only a few minutues. The following sex was the most passionate and loving sex i've had in years. She kissed and cuddle me in the most passionate way you could imagine. Suddenly she looks into my eyes and says "*my name* i really love you." Every other problem in my life seemed like nothing, it was the best moment i've had in years.

 

At a point she suggested that we should see homevideos of each other as a kid. We watched it, held hands, kissed and cuddled. So intimate and emotional. We were planning a trip to Paris. She said "Getting to the airport wont be a problem. My mom can drive us. You'll have meet her and know her by then."

 

Last weekend i woke up to her making pancakes for me. It was my birthday. She gave me the best present i could think of. After a nice morning together, we took a roadtrip to a Safari Park. She was so caring and so lovly all day. We ended it with sushi for dinner and movies afterwards. The best birthday i can remember. All these signals has really confirmed that it was going to be the two of us.

 

This wedensday everything changed. We had planned to hang out at her house. This day i really felt the urge to tell her how i feel about her. I told her that i loved her very much, and she was the first thing i thought of when i woke up and when i went to bed. I then asked how he saw this, and if she could see us together.

 

She totally panicked and said she wanted it to be like it is. It kinda escalted and she ended up saying:

"I dont want a boyfriend. Not now, not in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, NEVER! I hate you men. I've been hurt and neglected all my life. I will not let that happen again!"

She actually said she didnt know why she had been seeing me :'(

She finished up with saying i understand you need clarity, you deserve that. But i can't give you what you want. If we keep seeing each other we will get ever more hurt. We kissed passionatly goodbye, and i told her to reconsider.

 

Here i am 3 days later in deep sorrows. I texted her about how i respected that she dont want a BF, and that i accept our relationship as it is. She ignored for a bit, but replied she didnt know what to say. That it was a very very sweet text and that i was so lovely. However nothing have changed.

 

Since then she has been ignoring me apart from drunksnaps last night. I can see her ex is on top3 of snapchat now, which he hadnt been for the best 4 months..... It might be an overreaction, as im 99% sure he do not want to be with him.

 

I don't get why she has been so loving and nice to me, if its all just over like this..... What should i do, HELP! :'(

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It sounds like she genuinely likes you, but that she has been traumatised by her past and is unused to be treated well and terrified of her own developing strong emotions for you.

 

 

She's terrified and afraid of being hurt.

 

 

I would say that it would be good for her to meet an individual therapist so she can start working through these issues, as they'll follow her around for a lifetime.

 

 

Try to talk to her in a neutral non-romantic setting. Back-off with the romance and future plans for now. Just listen to her, don't talk much or be invested in the outcome going your way. Maybe she'll share some of her fears. Maybe she'll get some help. This type of thing will follow her for years, regardless of the man, if she doesn't get help.

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I suspect she's more involved with her ex than you knew about, and he did something (recently) that really hurt her, thus her over-the-top reaction when you talked to her about how you felt. I don't necessarily mean she was cheating, but that she's still emotionally involved enough with him that his actions and words impact her deeply. Something triggered her and she let that anger and resentment out.

 

Either way, she is not ready to be in a relationship. Flipping on a dime indicates emotional fragility, which could indeed be an after-effect of an abusive/toxic relationship. Speaking from experience, it takes a long time to recover from that. Certain things set off those horrible feelings and can make new relationships very difficult to sustain. Give her space now. Avoid connecting with her through social media too, as it will only set off alarm bells if you see her ex popping up again. It's very hard, but try not to take this personally. I truly believe this is not about you.

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