I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you line"

[Prettybones]

My bf and I were together for around 5 months. We were very happy and spent weekends together. He is a lot younger than me and has only had one serious relationship. He is in the military and has a bit of a crazy schedule. He has been acting "off" this past week like a bit distant like not texting and calling as much. I had a weird feeling he was trying to push me away. I asked him about it and he said "everything is fine don't worry". We spent the weekend together and everything was normal. Nothing out of the ordinary except he seemed not to want as much sex. Monday I didn't hear from him all day and said he worked late. Very weird I hear from him a lot throughout the day. Yesterday I didn't hear from him at all. Then he texts me and says we have to talk.

 

To make a long story short he said

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

"You aren't the one"

"We are on different pages in our lives"

Etc.

 

I asked him why he didn't bring it up sooner. We have talked about moving in together next year. He said he didn't want to break up before. Now he said he has to do it before he is stuck and can't turn back. I'm so shocked. We had a great relationship. I am totally confused. To make matters worse today is my birthday. I am not sure how to cope. Please help me understand. I know there is nothing I can do I just would like to move on peacefully. Thanks.

[SoThatHappened]

Ugh... the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line...

 

Sorry for what you're going through, really.

 

You're going to get plenty of advice on not contacting him (no contact, NC). This is good advice and you should follow it.

 

Five months is a short relationship, so you should get through the heartbreak quicker than if it was 5 years.

 

His actions are the typical actions when someone meets someone else. I don't want to make you hurt anymore than you are, but there is usually someone else in the picture when people get distant like that.

 

Don't take it personally. Just do whatever you can to get your mind off of things (go out with friends, family, vacation, etc.). But DON'T contact him. Ghost him. If it was a great relationship, he may realize that and want you back. But don't hold out hope for that. Just go on living your life and living it better.

 

The best way to get them back is to go NC. BUT, don't do it to get them back. Do it for you.

[ja123]

I'm so sorry that you were told this on your birthday.

 

 

I wouldn't be so sure about his having someone else. It could be that he's done a lot of thinking about the future and isn't ready to make a more serious commitment like moving in together would entail. But, if you're looking for serious, then why settle for less, hunh?

 

 

This stings for sure, and we've all been there.

 

 

So hang in.

 

 

At least you have a straight answer from him and that it's now rather than later.

 

 

I agree with the other poster: go NC, and hang out a lot with family and friends. Keep yourself busy.

 

 

The hurt feelings will pass with time.

 

 

Keep the faith that you are being guided towards finding the right man for you. One who will reciprocate all the love that you have to offer.

[SoThatHappened]

I hate to hammer this home, but the sooner you know the better.

 

You said you guys were very happy. No reason to breakup, right? Even if he wasn't "in love with you", he still had a happy girlfriend he could sleep with, right?

 

We're guys. We're not that deep. A happy girlfriend who would let me see her b@@bs... sign me up!

 

Even if guys and gals aren't "in love", they usually don't leave a happy relationship until there's someone else.

 

Again, not 100% the same for every person. He very well could have felt you weren't the one and he needed to let you go sooner than later.

 

But, that's not the norm.

 

Either way, NC, work on yourself, be good to yourself, and move forward.

[David87]

Awww it your birthday, that tells alot about his caracter. You have to remember, it takes two to make a relationship work. You were happy, he wasn't, who knows why. What matters is the fact that he decided to bail in an awful way. Start NC and dont look back, its hard i know, but there's no other way.

 

Happy birthday, hugs.

[Bella2]

I'm very sorry for you. As everybody says: No Contact and let time pass.

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

 

I got that line too, 4 weeks ago. And yes, he was apparantly attracted to somebody else...

 

That hurts.

 

But it will pass.

 

I promise.

[Boomshine]

First off, let me say happy birthday. We share the same birthday, so that's pretty stellar!

 

Now, in regards to your post (if not more specifically the title of it), I have a bit to share. When I was in middle school and high school, we had a guy come through and hold an assembly where he talked to us about the concept of love, and a bunch of other birds and bees talks as well. IIRC, his name is Brad Henning.

 

Anyway, in regards to love, Brad taught us what TRUE LOVE is. And it's comprised of three things:

1. Caring about another person.

2. Wanting what's best for them.

3. Doing whatever you can to make them happy.

 

That love, true love, is the same love we share for friends, family members, and significant others alike. It's NO different between any parties.

 

But being IN LOVE is different. "In love" is merely the highest level of attraction. There are PLENTY of people you could find yourself attracted to, but a fewer amount will you actually feel in love with. And it's very possible for someone to feel in love, then fall out of love. The funny thing about it is, most people don't realize that the falling out of love is not actually a loss of attraction: It's merely negative emotions blocking attraction's ability to work unfettered. If the negative emotions were to subside, attraction could work to its fullest power once again (given time, as people tend to be hesitant so as not to be hurt once again). So someone who was once in love with you actually COULD feel it again, and that's how reconciliation stories happen to become.

 

This is why I hate it when people refer to "I love you but I'm not in love with you" as a line. It is a very real and true concept. It may be cliche, but cliches exist for a reason. And it's all a matter of taking a further effort to more truly understand the other party involved.

 

That all said, to address your true concern here, the question I would ask you is "What do you feel currently hinders you from moving on peacefully as you so hope for?"

[mightycpa]

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

 

when run through the bluntspeak translator means:

 

"I do not regret our time together. You're a decent guy/gal. I was in love with you once, but no longer."

[Chi townD]

Sorry to say this, girl. But, there's someone else. He's a cheater. The "ILYBINILWY" speech is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

 

 

You deserve better. I know you are hurting and feeling terrible, but you will get better. Start making positive changes in your life. Time to heal and move on.

[mightycpa]

Now this is interesting:

 

That love, true love, is the same love we share for friends, family members, and significant others alike.

Not sure I fully agree. English has very few words for the emotion of love and practically none for the different types. Love is a spectrum, if you will, and you love your family more/different than your best friend. You would kill one to save the other, but never kill the other to save one. There is definitely a pecking order. Love for a SO will trump friends and family. Love for children usually trumps love for the SO.

 

I'm on board with this:

 

But being IN LOVE is different.

Being in love with someone usually means creating an illusion of the person, and projecting your best assumptions upon that person. When you first fall in love, that person is a stranger. You don't actually love them, because you don't know them. Everything is perfect, and things that aren't are either ignored or brushed off as unimportant. As you get to know them, and "in love" begins to fade, those little things begin to bug you, and if there are enough of them, or big things you don't like, you figure out you don't even like the person.

 

So being in love doesn't always mean they loved you. They just thought they did, because they were dealing with an illusion.

 

But also, when being in love fades, true love can grow. They are happy to include you in their life and to become part of yours. They become invested in you DESPITE your many failings. You become the closest family, and your bond trumps other family bonds.

 

I've got a different take on reconciliations. I think that happens only when you never fell out of love with someone. So, your high school sweetheart's family moved away. You drifted apart, forgot each other, fell in love with other people, maybe married, had kids, lived a life, and one day you meet that person and BANG! You pick up pretty much where you left off, and the feelings of being in love reappear magically.

 

But, if that person saw that you were a cheapskate, and mean, and your breath smelled bad, and fell out of love with you, then there might be a reconciliation later, but it won't last. As soon as you try to save a nickel, or say an unkind word or eat a garlicky meal, that person will remember how they saw you before, and will wonder why they came back for more of this. That's because the illusion no longer exists, and the person just forgot what drove them away in the first place. But personalities don't change much, and the things that drive two people apart will probably remain for life.

 

So, Boomshine, very interesting look at things. Thank you for your post, I'm sure OP can see some wisdom in what you've offered up.

 

Want to see if your SO loves you? Ask them if you can borrow a large sum of money for a short period of time, or see if they will co-sign a bank note. You'll probably see that a) they don't trust you and b) they would rather let you suffer your consequences than risk losing their money.

 

The person who says OK? Now that's love.

[Natsu21]

Sorry to say this, girl. But, there's someone else. He's a cheater. The "ILYBINILWY" speech is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

 

 

You deserve better. I know you are hurting and feeling terrible, but you will get better. Start making positive changes in your life. Time to heal and move on.

 

Lemme agree here.

 

If a man is getting REGULAR sex and affection and he suddenly turns it off..that means he's getting it from somewhere else and likes it better.

 

He has options. And for a man, that isn't something easily come by.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have told her that. That'll just make her chase harder. Women LOVE men with options.

[Chi townD]

There were other red flags. Decreased sex drive (and for a man, that's a BIG red flag if you're used to having a healthy sex life). Others were "working late" and not contacting her at all the next day.

 

 

Red flags

[d0nnivain]

Five months isn't that long but it is long enough for you to get hurt. I wish I could take your pain away.

 

I disagree that he's automatically cheating. I translate that line to mean, I'm not a total jerk & it pains me that I'm hurting you but I want out. Why they want out could be for any # of reasons. Having met somebody else could be a reason but since you don't know for sure, lets give him the benefit of the doubt & assume he got out before he started cheating.

[Chi townD]

^^^^^

 

 

1. ILYBINILWY speech

 

 

2. decrease in sex drive

 

 

3. "working late"

 

 

4. decrease in communication

 

 

5. avoidance

 

 

If I was a betting man, my money is on cheating. With all those red flags, it would be a safe bet.

[mammasita]

Oh OP, I got the same line......the line that brought me here. Except mine came from my ex-fiancé.

 

I know the length of your relationship doesn't change how much it hurts, but I can say you won't feel like you wasted 2 years of your life (because you didn't like I did LOL) on someone who wasn't worth your time and energy.

 

Don't sweat that guy. Someone who has the audacity to throw that line out isn't worth a damn.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line does not always mean cheating and it doesn't always mean "I don't love you anymore", either. Although I didn't say the words, that was the exact reason I broke up with my last boyfriend. He was a wonderful guy who was nice and sweet and smart and perfect on paper, but...the chemistry was missing. I never held hands with him and felt my stomach flutter. I never felt terribly happy with him. And I knew if we got married I wouldn't so much as shed a tear at our wedding. Maybe that's okay for some people, but it eventually became so obvious that something was missing and I had to end it.

 

This guy could have been sincere. I don't know. But I do know what it's like to realize you're with the wrong person and it sucks. It also sucks to be the person on the other side. Hold your head high and carry on, OP. You'll get past this and find someone who's sure.

[Chi townD]

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line does not always mean cheating and it doesn't always mean "I don't love you anymore", either.

 

 

 

But most of the time it does.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

But most of the time it does.

 

What are your statistics for this? Honestly, you're making things up. It's a cliche line for the same reason anything else is a cliche---because it's such a common sentiment. I suppose some cowards may use it to justify cheating, but that has nothing to do with the expression itself.

[SoThatHappened]

You're exactly right. It has nothing to do with the expression itself.

 

This guy could be telling the 100% truth, giving up a "good relationship" with a nice girl just because he's not "in love."

 

That's the low percentage bet.

 

High percentage bet is he met someone else.

 

Again, not saying it's a FACT he found someone else, just that that's what that line usually means.

 

I'd rather have it be someone else than be told they're not in love with me. Better to be left for someone else than just be left because of you, IMHO.

[Prettybones]

Thank you for all your thoughts and sympathy it has really helped put things into perspective.

 

I did consider that he cheated, that was actually my first instinct. However this is truly painful to think about because he claims he would never cheat.

 

He probably did meet someone else. And that's ok. A little but of honesty would have been nice instead of him telling me he wasn't in love.

 

I will probably never know the truth. I really don't want to because it'll probably break my heart more.

[Natsu21]

^^^^^

 

 

1. ILYBINILWY speech

 

 

2. decrease in sex drive

 

 

3. "working late"

 

 

4. decrease in communication

 

 

5. avoidance

 

 

If I was a betting man, my money is on cheating. With all those red flags, it would be a safe bet.

 

I'll shame myself.

 

One time, I DID use those line. After a couple of days of her pestering me, I came clean.

 

I was 19.

 

I said that I met someone else.

[Chi townD]

What are your statistics for this? Honestly, you're making things up. It's a cliche line for the same reason anything else is a cliche---because it's such a common sentiment. I suppose some cowards may use it to justify cheating, but that has nothing to do with the expression itself.

 

Really? What stats! You're at the resource! Go to search and punch in ILYBINILWY and read all of those threads. You'll find the majority (not all) ending up in infidelity.

 

 

Hell, Natsu just confessed that he used it on this thread!

[Leigh 87]

Sorry to say this, girl. But, there's someone else. He's a cheater. The "ILYBINILWY" speech is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

 

 

You deserve better. I know you are hurting and feeling terrible, but you will get better. Start making positive changes in your life. Time to heal and move on.

 

 

 

My ex didn't have another girl lined up.

 

He was genuinely not in love with me and he just took a while to get he courage to leave me because we were SO attached and he really didn't want to leave a lot of the time since we made each other laugh like no other.

[mightycpa]

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line does not always mean cheating and it doesn't always mean "I don't love you anymore", either. Although I didn't say the words, that was the exact reason I broke up with my last boyfriend. He was a wonderful guy who was nice and sweet and smart and perfect on paper, but...the chemistry was missing. I never held hands with him and felt my stomach flutter. I never felt terribly happy with him. And I knew if we got married I wouldn't so much as shed a tear at our wedding. Maybe that's okay for some people, but it eventually became so obvious that something was missing and I had to end it.

 

This guy could have been sincere. I don't know. But I do know what it's like to realize you're with the wrong person and it sucks. It also sucks to be the person on the other side. Hold your head high and carry on, OP. You'll get past this and find someone who's sure.

 

OK, so I get what you posted, EXCEPT. Why do you think you loved him? What does that mean to you? I had a girlfriend like that, perfect on paper, nothing wrong with her, just great, but as you say, no spark. She was a catch too, and very loving, and she adored me. I'm sure I broke her heart. But I never thought I loved her. I liked her a great deal, but love? Nope, never in love, never loved her.

 

So I'm just curious, what do you mean by that?

 

Thanks

[mac25]

my ex of 2 years broke up with me with the same line and same excuses. I found out a few weeks later through the grape vine that he had met someone else, cheated and left me for her. He lied to my face and ya It hurt like crazy but felt good in the end because at least explained all his behaviour so well.

 

A few months have gone by and every day feels better and better.

 

good luck