How to Cope on the Other Side of GIGS

[Boomshine]

I was just granted an amazing gift for my birthday a few minutes ago: an epiphany.

 

My ex is currently HEAVY into GIGS right now. She broke up with me back in April, and I was fine with it. I don't want anyone who doesn't want me as well. No hostilities after the breakup, and we go straight to being friends without going NC.

 

However, I told her she had a choice to make before we could be friends or not. I told her we can be friends right now, but only on the grounds that you don't see or date anyone else until you have some sort of passion in your life. She's been going through depression for multiple years, as well as more recently finding out she has Dependent Personality Disorder. And I've discovered on my own that she has GIGS. She's aware of it to an extent (in that she's stated she feels like she just wants to go "sow her wild oats"), but not anywhere near the extent that I am.

 

 

So she had to make a choice, and she stated, without a doubt, my friendship is infinitely more important than seeing some guy. Back in July, I'm surfing OKCupid for laughs, and I find her face front and center on my homescreen. I tell her, I'm sorry, I can't be friends. There's no way I can be comfortable during this. Come back when you have a passion in your life, and I'll be able to be totally comfortable.

 

Throughout all of July, she's trying to reach out to me and act like we're still friends. Near the end of the month, she pulls a gambit on me, and promises to show me the appreciation, respect, and love she HASN'T been showing me for so long (After reading smokey bear's "A Greater understandng of GIGS....." yesterday, I now realize she was only in the bargaining stage). I decide to take her up on it, and for a week, things are good.

 

Then all of August, I hear from her ONCE. And it's because she needs something from me. I feel totally neglected, and like she's putting ZERO effort into our friendship, and on Sept 5th, I call her up and tell her I'm saying goodbye. In that conversation, she tells me that she actually HAS starting seeing some random guy she met at work. Final nail in the coffin. For the next two weeks, up until today, we've had an ongoing conversation on the phone about all of this ****.

 

But now, I've finally gotten the answers I needed.

 

1. It's okay for me to have hope. It's what's helping me cope right now, and I don't NEED the hope for a better friendship in the future to occur. I'd like it to, but if it doesn't, I know I'll still be able to live my life.

 

2. GIGS is NOT permanent. Everyone has their awakening at some point. Nobody stays in the "sowing their wild oats," "crazy college days", or whatever name they want to give the phase. Because it's just that: a phase.

 

3. And this is the big one. Sometimes, people HAVE to make mistakes in order to learn. She wants what's best for herself, and she's fully agreed that my suggestion of how to go about things (being single until she has a passion or purpose in her life) IS what's best for her. And even though she knows what's best, she still wants to settle for less than best in the moment. But the only way for her to get OVER the GIGS is to go THROUGH it (the same can be said for any emotion). But I know who she truly is: She's a lover and a romantic. We spent a total of 5 years together. And one day, she'll want to settle down again (whether with me or not, just saying that she won't be constantly seeing new guys).

 

But she's not going to settle down now. And not until she goes out, explores this, and sees it's not for her. So even though what I've suggested to her, and had set as a boundary in order for us to be friends, is what's best in the long haul... Getting this learning lesson can still be VERY beneficial to her as well. It's what's best for her now. And the sooner she starts it, the sooner she can get over it.

 

97% of guys are chumps, and will inevitably, in one way or another, put their foot in their mouth, and she'll drop them like a bad habit. Enough of those occur, and one day she has her awakening, realizes this isn't the lifestyle for her, and snaps out of it. THEN, she and I have a chance for something better in the future (whether a friendship, relationship, or whatever). I won't instantly accept her back. We've broken up enough times over the years that I don't want any of the reasons we've broken up before to be the cause for another breakup, so I have a list of criteria (The 5 Stipulations) that would have to all be true before I would even consider being intimate with her again.

 

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I realize that was a lot, but I needed an outlet for my feelings in the moment. Hopefully, these three concepts help others out there as well. You just have to remember:

 

We're all human, and we all make mistakes. Sometimes, we need to make those mistakes in order to learn. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you learn. This person you care for has managed to make it from infancy to this point in their lives, using everything they've experienced to grow and become better than they were as a child. Have faith that the process will continue during this period of GIGS. Give it time, learn to be patient and live your own life, and good things will come your way. They always do.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Boomshine
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[NC-Thomas]

Thanks for your story. You seem like a compassionate person.

 

What you state concerning the GIGS certainly holds ground.

 

People need to make mistakes and learn. Im interested in what your 5 stipulations would be?

 

I admire your attitude towards your girlfriend exploring and going out, however as far as im concerned i would totally drop her. More or less she is just weighing her options... even though you know 97% are chumps, she is looking for that one guy and she isn't sure whether its you or another guy.

 

What I am trying to say is, your being gambled with. Thats like being tossed in the corner and staying there untill your needed. I would say **** that, move on and never look back. Because if she is willing to lose you, then she better deal with the consequence.

 

Plus when you come back after she found out that the outside world is that great you are just not attractive. Have you thought about that ?

[mightycpa]

Very nice. So I have only one question for you, even though I will pose it in the form of many questions. In the end, it really is just one question:

 

What is it that makes you want to date and be with a person that suffers with depression and Dependent Personality Disorder?

 

Why do you not see this as an opportunity to break from a person with multiple mental disorders? Why do you actually HOPE you will be able to reinsert yourself into that hellish existence?

 

I mean, I don't care how nice she is, what a good person she is, how loving she can be, etc... because there will be multiple times in her life that all of this will go away, and she will be just a terrible person to be around. So what is it that makes the prospect of living with these disorders so compelling?

 

I appreciate the time you may take to answer that question.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with Thomas. You are just sitting there like a pud waiting around for this woman as she browses life and gets to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. It's up to you to be active instead of being the spineless safety net. You've said you've broken up and reconciled a few times. At what point do you realize that you have to cut the cord and let her do her thing independent of you while you do your thing? Even if you aren't in contact, she knows that you are there waiting around and orbiting. No more sitting around, no more being static, it's time for your move forward without letting her know, without her consideration, without anything. It's up for her to run after you and make an effort.

 

I mean, how many years have you wasted in this pattern? Seems pretty pointless to me. She can have her GIGS and it's cool that you don't mind her doing what she wants, but you just sitting around waiting for her to decide to be your friend seems foolish and counterproductive. I'm not trying to be mean, but you aren't really giving yourself a good shot at evolving, improving, and emerging with your approach.

[tim_tom]

 

97% of guys are chumps, and will inevitably, in one way or another, put their foot in their mouth, and she'll drop them like a bad habit.

 

 

I find that figure to be way off, and if true, how do you know you (or me) aren't one of those chumps.

 

I hope that my ex gets run through the mill and eventually realizes she made the mistake, but maybe i am the chump? Or maybe, only 50% of guys are chumps, greatly increasing her odds. I'd love to think that someday she's going to wake up and realize I'm the greatest thing to happen to her, but frankly, I think it's a pipe dream

[Boomshine]

Thanks for your story. You seem like a compassionate person.

 

What you state concerning the GIGS certainly holds ground.

 

People need to make mistakes and learn. Im interested in what your 5 stipulations would be?

 

I admire your attitude towards your girlfriend exploring and going out, however as far as im concerned i would totally drop her. More or less she is just weighing her options... even though you know 97% are chumps, she is looking for that one guy and she isn't sure whether its you or another guy.

 

What I am trying to say is, your being gambled with. Thats like being tossed in the corner and staying there untill your needed. I would say **** that, move on and never look back. Because if she is willing to lose you, then she better deal with the consequence.

 

Plus when you come back after she found out that the outside world is that great you are just not attractive. Have you thought about that ?

 

I already have said **** that, moved on, and not looked back. Told her two weeks ago I can't do the friendship anymore. But gaining understanding helps with my coping process. I want to make things better for myself in the future, including future relationships I have (whether with someone new or an old flame). In fact, I had a new girlfriend in June and July earlier this year. That's a whole can of worms on its own there though.

 

Also, breakups don't happen from a loss of attraction. It's negative emotions standing in the way of the attraction, not allowing it to do its work unfettered. Time will tell. But yeah, I'm already out of the situation.

 

And The 5 Stipulations are thus:

1. She has to have some sense of passion/purpose to her life again, so as to help combat the depression. (That is a LOOOOONG topic I could go on for days about.)

2. GIGS has to be gone.

3. I have to be her #1 desire. No "settling for less" by being with me.

4. She has to be single, not JUST coming out of a relationship, and wants a relationship with me.

5. I have to be single, not JUST coming out of a relationship, and want a relationship with her.

 

Before all five of these are true, the idea of us being together is not something that I will even consider. Only when all five are true, will I then contemplate on the idea and see how I feel about it in that particular point in my life.

 

Very nice. So I have only one question for you, even though I will pose it in the form of many questions. In the end, it really is just one question:

 

What is it that makes you want to date and be with a person that suffers with depression and Dependent Personality Disorder?

 

Why do you not see this as an opportunity to break from a person with multiple mental disorders? Why do you actually HOPE you will be able to reinsert yourself into that hellish existence?

 

I mean, I don't care how nice she is, what a good person she is, how loving she can be, etc... because there will be multiple times in her life that all of this will go away, and she will be just a terrible person to be around. So what is it that makes the prospect of living with these disorders so compelling?

 

I appreciate the time you may take to answer that question.

 

Sure, gladly! The short answer is, I don't. I absolutely do NOT want to be with a person with those disorders. Hence why I'm not chasing to get her back. I'm hopeful things can be better for her in the future. I was affected by the same things, and through 2.5 years of self-betterment and therapy, I've come out on top of both of them. She recognizes and acknowledges the issues she has as well, and with time, might see the same results I have. If so, then maybe there's something there for us. Maybe not. Depends on how The 5 Stipulations turn out.

 

I agree with Thomas. You are just sitting there like a pud waiting around for this woman as she browses life and gets to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. It's up to you to be active instead of being the spineless safety net. You've said you've broken up and reconciled a few times. At what point do you realize that you have to cut the cord and let her do her thing independent of you while you do your thing? Even if you aren't in contact, she knows that you are there waiting around and orbiting. No more sitting around, no more being static, it's time for your move forward without letting her know, without her consideration, without anything. It's up for her to run after you and make an effort.

 

I mean, how many years have you wasted in this pattern? Seems pretty pointless to me. She can have her GIGS and it's cool that you don't mind her doing what she wants, but you just sitting around waiting for her to decide to be your friend seems foolish and counterproductive. I'm not trying to be mean, but you aren't really giving yourself a good shot at evolving, improving, and emerging with your approach.

 

Reckon I've hit that point twice in the last 3 months. I cut her off in July, and foolishly took her back because she promised much better behavior. If only I'd realized it was just bargaining, and the GIGS would come back in full swing so shortly afterward... And now I've cut her off again as of two weeks ago. Actually, THREE weeks ago, but I informed her of my action a week later.

 

As far as the "sitting and waiting" bit goes, that's as far off from the truth as a statement could be. Sure, I'm HOPEFUL for a better future, but if it doesn't happen, I'm STILL moving forward. I've been moving forward this whole damn time, even WHILE being with her, intimate or platonic.

 

And in regards to not being mean, you definitely are, because you're making assumptions on my situation based off the little info I gave in the OP as opposed to asking for more clarification.

 

I find that figure to be way off, and if true, how do you know you (or me) aren't one of those chumps.

 

I hope that my ex gets run through the mill and eventually realizes she made the mistake, but maybe i am the chump? Or maybe, only 50% of guys are chumps, greatly increasing her odds. I'd love to think that someday she's going to wake up and realize I'm the greatest thing to happen to her, but frankly, I think it's a pipe dream

 

The figure is in reference to the book "How to Be a 3% Man" by Corey Wayne. He states only 3% of men truly understand women on their level. How to communicate effectively, how to empathize/sympathize with the fairer sex, etc. Not sure where he got his figure from, but that's it. It's merely a reference to that book.

 

Regardless of the figure and its validity, the point I'm making is that time and time again, she recognizes me as the one person in her life who understands her better than anyone (including her mother and grandmother, both of whom are incredibly important to her).

 

There WILL be a time where that's significantly more important to her again. But right now, her "priorities" are on new experiences. And considering that over the last 6 or 7 years, she's only had intimate relationships with myself and one other guy (her only partners ever, in fact) over the course of 5 separate stints (him, me, me, him, me), I can't say that I fully blame her.

 

It's incredibly easy to feel jaded during these situations. And some people choose to go optimistic, while others go pessimistic. Myself, obviously optimistic. And you guys can say what you will, but I'll tell you two things right now:

 

1. I'm always moving forward and making myself better, regardless of who may be in my life or not. My mission is myself, and that mission will take a backseat to NO ONE ever again. I made that mistake during the very first relationship with this particular woman, and after she broke up with me, I went out seeking the answers, realized I was in a depression, and would NEVER allow that again. I'm all about taking care of #1 now, and giving to others when I can after my needs are fulfilled.

 

2. My hope will never be crushed. Whether it's merely a coping mechanism and I abandon that particular hope later down the road, or time proves me right later on and she DOES want me back later on as a friend or lover (may be years for all I know), hope is a defining characteristic of who I am. And what may work for yourself doesn't necessarily work for everyone else. So please do NOT come here and try to tell me I need to vanquish my hope. I have a licensed therapist's approval to maintain my hope (if merely for getting through the coping of the situation as it currently is), and I'm going to utilize that to my fullest advantage to get a great night's rest every night from here on out, and get back on my feet stronger than ever.

Edited September 18, 2014 by Boomshine

[mightycpa]

I have a licensed therapist's approval to maintain my hope...

 

I'd be interested to know if the licensed therapist has ever been dumped and found him/herself in a hopeless situation from which he/she had to recover.

 

This is a curious position for a therapist to take, because essentially the advice is "ignore your reality, and find ways to rationalize and envision a different outcome than the one that is real"

 

It doesn't sound like healthy advice.

[Boomshine]

I'd be interested to know if the licensed therapist has ever been dumped and found him/herself in a hopeless situation from which he/she had to recover.

 

This is a curious position for a therapist to take, because essentially the advice is "ignore your reality, and find ways to rationalize and envision a different outcome than the one that is real"

 

It doesn't sound like healthy advice.

 

It's not about ignoring reality. As far as things go right now, it is what it is. And obviously I recognize it for what it is, as I'm the one who took the initiative to end the friendship. But there's nothing wrong with hoping for a better future. In terms of doing what I can to achieve that, I've already done it. I've spoken my piece with her, and taken my leave.

 

But if, for some reason, I should tend to have some sort of feeling or thought about her (old habits die hard), it's very nice to have something to allow me to NOT think about what she's doing right now. I very much realize she's not the type of person I want her to be right now. And she may never be. I don't need to analyze it any further. I've done that extensively (and probably excessively). Thoughts like those would creep up on me constantly, and I would get stuck in paralysis of analysis. Now, I'm able to say, "It's cool. This is a s***ty situation, but it's gotta happen some day. She'll snap out of it and get back on her true path. She knows what her issues are, and some day she'll take a more exerted effort to resolve them." And that allows me to stop analyzing whatever thought it may be that's doing nothing but feeding my anxiety. Then I can push on with more thoughts about myself, my life, and how to make it better right now with those that treat me currently as I deserve to be treated.

[mightycpa]

It's not about ignoring reality. As far as things go right now, it is what it is. And obviously I recognize it for what it is, as I'm the one who took the initiative to end the friendship. But there's nothing wrong with hoping for a better future. In terms of doing what I can to achieve that, I've already done it. I've spoken my piece with her, and taken my leave.

 

But if, for some reason, I should tend to have some sort of feeling or thought about her (old habits die hard), it's very nice to have something to allow me to NOT think about what she's doing right now. I very much realize she's not the type of person I want her to be right now. And she may never be. I don't need to analyze it any further. I've done that extensively (and probably excessively). Thoughts like those would creep up on me constantly, and I would get stuck in paralysis of analysis. Now, I'm able to say, "It's cool. This is a s***ty situation, but it's gotta happen some day. She'll snap out of it and get back on her true path. She knows what her issues are, and some day she'll take a more exerted effort to resolve them." And that allows me to stop analyzing whatever thought it may be that's doing nothing but feeding my anxiety. Then I can push on with more thoughts about myself, my life, and how to make it better right now with those that treat me currently as I deserve to be treated.

 

My gut reaction is to disagree with this, but you seem very thoughtful so I will give this some consideration before I summarily reject it!

 

Thanks

[me85]

I think you're wasting your time by keeping in touch with your ex. She broke up with you and doesn't want to get back together. Instead of researching what's wrong with her, you need to figure out more about you.

 

You have to be in the center of your universe, not her. I know you love her but making all these excuses as to why she left isn't doing you any real good. The girl isn't insane. Even if she is depressed...she's not too depressed to be on OKcupid. And you were on there too, so you can't really be mad at her. You both did wrong by getting on OKcupid, not just her.

 

I know you desperately want to know what's going on in your ex's mind but you need not be so obsessed with it. Ya gota let it go.

 

You need to be moving on and not "bargaining" with a girl who left you and has not yet asked to get back together. If and when she does, then you can break out the rule book/guide to understanding...whatever books.

[Boomshine]

I think you're wasting your time by keeping in touch with your ex. She broke up with you and doesn't want to get back together. Instead of researching what's wrong with her, you need to figure out more about you.

 

You have to be in the center of your universe, not her. I know you love her but making all these excuses as to why she left isn't doing you any real good. The girl isn't insane. Even if she is depressed...she's not too depressed to be on OKcupid. And you were on there too, so you can't really be mad at her. You both did wrong by getting on OKcupid, not just her.

 

I know you desperately want to know what's going on in your ex's mind but you need not be so obsessed with it. Ya gota let it go.

 

You need to be moving on and not "bargaining" with a girl who left you and has not yet asked to get back together. If and when she does, then you can break out the rule book/guide to understanding...whatever books.

 

I disagree. Having this understanding now means it's done and over with, and I don't have to worry about it later. I know how to respond appropriately to whatever situation may come my way with her in the future.

 

I'm not in touch with her still. I feel like that's a fact most (if not all) responses to this thread have missed. I ended our friendship two weeks ago. We're not still "kind of in touch" or anything of the like. It's done, completely.

 

You need to go and read my second post in this thread, as you've clearly missed a LOT of information.

[Boomshine]

My gut reaction is to disagree with this, but you seem very thoughtful so I will give this some consideration before I summarily reject it!

 

Thanks

 

Cheers, I appreciate that. From what I've noticed over the years, people in general seem to have some sort of issue distinguishing the present from the future. I recognize the two as the separate entities they are. Sure, one becomes the other, but they're still separate. I see things for what they are now, and hope for a better future in regards to this particular situation. The rest of my life, my missions, my passions, my purposes, my friends, etc. is already on path, and nothing is derailing me from that anymore as once used to be the case, when I was in my depression.

 

And about the idea of hope... I would LIKE for what I hope for to happen. But if I were sitting here, desperately NEEDING what I hope to happen, and not being able to live my life until it did, I would COMPLETELY agree with the sentiments being shared. If hope were crippling me, I would work on abandoning it. But the fact that I'm still able to fully live my life is why my therapist sees nothing wrong with me having this hope. It's not hindering me in the slightest, and in fact, it's benefiting me. If it weren't for the hope, I'd be spending all my time stuck in analysis, having anxiety attacks, probably blowing her phone up with inappropriate questions about what she's doing, etc. But with hope, I'm free to be me.

[me85]

Alright, sorry to have missed that you posted you haven't talked to her in 2 weeks or however long and that you are "completely done."

 

But clearly you are being very defensive here. We are not attacking you. You have posted on a public forum, therefore welcoming any and all opinions.

 

It's great that you've gained insight from your experience with your ex. After all, that's what it's all about.

 

What were you originally looking for when you started this thread? Was it more of a promise to yourself? A rant? No matter what originally possessed you to post on LS ... when you did post on here you made the topic open for discussion.

 

I would assume the fact that you posted your feelings meant you were being open to suggestion. I apologize because clearly I was wrong.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Why write on here if you keep disagreeing with everyone and getting short?

 

I absolutly hate it when people use gigs as a means to justify behavior as its some disease that people will get over. Its pretty obvious to everyone else except you: DONT talk to her. Don't worry about her and move on.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she would. You're not her life savior.

[Boomshine]

Alright, sorry to have missed that you posted you haven't talked to her in 2 weeks or however long and that you are "completely done."

 

But clearly you are being very defensive here. We are not attacking you. You have posted on a public forum, therefore welcoming any and all opinions.

 

It's great that you've gained insight from your experience with your ex. After all, that's what it's all about.

 

What were you originally looking for when you started this thread? Was it more of a promise to yourself? A rant? No matter what originally possessed you to post on LS ... when you did post on here you made the topic open for discussion.

 

I would assume the fact that you posted your feelings meant you were being open to suggestion. I apologize because clearly I was wrong.

 

The topic of the thread is sums it all up. I found what I needed to help cope with the situation I'm currently in, and wanted to share it with others. I would have liked to see some discussion in regards to the thoughts I posted with what's helping me, but this entire thread has been essentially unsolicited advice for my situation which is already at the point that people are trying to encourage me toward.

 

Don't worry about her

 

Okay, sure. And whatever you're feeling right now, I want you to stop feeling that as well. That emotion, which has no rational backing and does not come from thought or logic... Stop it.

 

That's exactly what you're telling me right now. You're invalidating my feelings. I don't CHOOSE to think about her. Emotion causes it.

 

What I've posted in my OP is a technique I've picked up which allows me to shut down that entire line of feeling and thoughts, and get back on path all the quicker. Eventually, the feeling which causes me to think about her will subside, and I'll be fine. But I needed a coping mechanism (which doesn't consist of drugs or alcohol) to get through this transition period of mine until I achieve that point where the feeling subsides.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

The topic of the thread is sums it all up. I found what I needed to help cope with the situation I'm currently in, and wanted to share it with others. I would have liked to see some discussion in regards to the thoughts I posted with what's helping me, but this entire thread has been essentially unsolicited advice for my situation which is already at the point that people are trying

 

Okay, sure. And whatever you're feeling right now, I want you to stop feeling that as well. That emotion, which has no rational backing and does not come from thought or logic... Stop it.

 

That's exactly what you're telling me right now. You're invalidating my feelings. I don't CHOOSE to think about her. Emotion causes it.

 

What I've posted in my OP is a technique I've picked up which allows me to shut down that entire line of feeling and thoughts, and get back on path all the quicker. Eventually, the feeling which causes me to think about her will subside, and I'll be fine. But I needed a coping mechanism (which doesn't consist of drugs or alcohol) to get through this transition period of mine until I achieve that point where the feeling subsides.

 

So your mechanism is to hold out to an insane hope that one day she just opens her eyes and bam she is back again? That's not healthy at all. Speaking up about your feelings and whatever is great, which is probably why your therapist is happy with the progress, but I dont believe you having this feeling of "She has gigs but she'll grow out of it" is a little a** backwards.

 

I dont think anybody is deraling you from feeling better, but the way you're going about it WILL lead to more heartache.Its impossible NOT to think about it,I get that, but this "logical hope" that you're having to try and subside the pain will cause MORE pain later.

 

Cause in point....what happens the day you hear she goes on a date? Has a boyfriend? God forbid you hear about what they are doing....that one hope you have will come crumbling down and you will feel 900 times worse and have made NO progress....or you could move on from her now, heal and never look back and not give two s**ts what she is doing.

[me85]

That's exactly what you're telling me right now. You're invalidating my feelings. I don't CHOOSE to think about her. Emotion causes it.QUOTE]

 

 

Well, we all need something to cling to. So I can see why you're doing what you're doing.

 

 

But you're wrong...Our feelings mirror our thoughts, not the other way around and until you understand that, you won't be happy.

 

 

You think the heart controls the body? No...You think the proverbial heart controls the body. You have that mentality because you've been hurt. But let's talk biology/scientific facts...THE BRAIN CONTROLS THE BODY. ANY AND ALL "EMOTIONS" ARE PRODUCED IN THE BRAIN. THEY ARE SIMPLY THOUGHTS.

 

 

Do we really have feelings at all?? If we did, thoughts would certainly create them, would they not? If we didn't have the brain's sensors and our "thought process" we wouldn't know what hot is, what cold is, that a cut hurts...etc.

 

 

Oh ya sure, you can still be alive even if you're brain dead but only as vegetable. No thought, no mobility, no wakefulness, no nothing, just a pulse.

[Boomshine]

Cause in point....what happens the day you hear she goes on a date? Has a boyfriend? God forbid you hear about what they are doing....that one hope you have will come crumbling down and you will feel 900 times worse and have made NO progress....or you could move on from her now, heal and never look back and not give two s**ts what she is doing.

 

That's already the scenario. She's been seeing someone. Hence why I'm done with the friendship. It does make me feel worse, because she's not doing what would truly be best for her (something she agrees to - It's not what's best, but she wants to do it anyhow). And that's why I was looking for a coping mechanism. But just because she's seeing someone now doesn't mean that the hope I have for her in the future can't still become. The hope has not crumbled in any way. I won't resign myself to believe that she will continue to put herself in less-than-best situations for herself for the rest of her life.

 

It's more insane to believe that she recognizes and validates the issues she has within her own life, and after recognizing them, would NEVER take any steps to make those situations better. My hope for her future has merit, knowing her and what she's been through. There's absolutely no reason to believe that my friendship is so invaluable to her that she would never want it again. She always has wanted it, and she thought she could have it while exploring her GIGS. She thought she could have her cake and eat it too. I'm not comfortable with being present for this situation though, so I said see ya.

[Boomshine]

That's exactly what you're telling me right now. You're invalidating my feelings. I don't CHOOSE to think about her. Emotion causes it.

 

 

Well, we all need something to cling to. So I can see why you're doing what you're doing.

 

 

But you're wrong...Our feelings mirror our thoughts, not the other way around and until you understand that, you won't be happy.

 

 

You think the heart controls the body? No...You think the proverbial heart controls the body. You have that mentality because you've been hurt. But let's talk biology/scientific facts...THE BRAIN CONTROLS THE BODY. ANY AND ALL "EMOTIONS" ARE PRODUCED IN THE BRAIN. THEY ARE SIMPLY THOUGHTS.

 

 

Do we really have feelings at all?? If we did, thoughts would certainly create them, would they not? If we didn't have the brain's sensors and our "thought process" we wouldn't know what hot is, what cold is, that a cut hurts...etc.

 

 

Oh ya sure, you can still be alive even if you're brain dead but only as vegetable. No thought, no mobility, no wakefulness, no nothing, just a pulse.

I never said anything about the heart at all. I completely agree that feelings come from the mind. I'm not disassociating where they come from, I'm disassociating their reason for being. In that, feelings are not rational. Just because they come from the mind does not make them inherently rational. Does not mean that thought is achieved PRIOR in order for the feelings to exist. Feelings occur subconsciously, before any sense of rationale can be applied to them. What rationale we achieve for them is done after the fact.

 

The brain controls feelings. But not through conscious effort. Emotions may just be thoughts, as you stated, but you don't choose to have 100% of all your thoughts that occur. Feelings fit into that category.

[me85]

OP, my entire point is that human beings can master their thoughts. We can't keep them from popping up in our minds but we can certainly re-direct them. You have the ability to select your thoughts the same way you select what you're going to wear everyday. Like anything else, it takes practice and discipline.

 

So if it's a negative thought, learn to turn it into a positive thought. We can change the way we think. Anytime the brain releases endorphins we feel "happy" emotion, right? If we have some sort of chemical imbalance, then we get depressed...diet plays a huge role in how we feel as well, of course. It's all chemical. It's also spiritual. And it's controllable. Whether it be through mindfulness, mentoring, meditation or medication...

 

So since you basically just wanted share your testimony and state there are only 5 ways for you to consider reconciling with your ex or now how you will never reconcile with your ex...Fine. Good. Great.

 

All the best of luck to you.

[tim_tom]

I'm a big believer in doing whatever you need to do to cope, move on and be true to yourself.

 

That being said, the vets on here are eerily accurate about what's going to happen cause while the names and faces are different along with minor details, the basic facts are true most of the time, the stories evolve very similarly and end very similarly

 

-- starts with a break

-- becomes a breakup and wants to be alone, loves you but not in love with you

-- drops breadcrumbs every once and awhile to make sure you are still on the leash

-- dumpee believes there situation is different, that their love is special and keeps contact out of hope

-- much to the dumpees surprise, the ex who wanted to be alone is now with someone else

-- eventually dumpee gets hint, starts NC and begins to move on

 

 

none of this is easy even knowing it.. I ignored 25+ contact attempts, eventually gave in and found out that the I miss you's, want to see you and lunch invites were just breadcrumbs sent for entirely selfish purposes and my responding only made it easier on her.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for but I suspect the first time she texts you, and she will, you will leap at responding

[Simon Phoenix]

I hope you find what you are looking for but I suspect the first time she texts you, and she will, you will leap at responding

 

That's pretty much my fear here. It sounds like this is a recurring cycle and while the OP insists that he is done and moving forward, I just feel that she'll tug on the leash, he'll respond eagerly, and the cycle will repeat.

[NopeNah]

That's pretty much my fear here. It sounds like this is a recurring cycle and while the OP insists that he is done and moving forward, I just feel that she'll tug on the leash, he'll respond eagerly, and the cycle will repeat.

 

If you're done, you're not on here posting about how done you are.. Fact.

 

This guy has a road ahead..not judging..but..fact.

 

Op..look at this situation from the outside.. I've seen some good advice from you on here, but, like us all..easier said than done.

 

Good luck.

[Boomshine]

OP, my entire point is that human beings can master their thoughts. We can't keep them from popping up in our minds but we can certainly re-direct them. You have the ability to select your thoughts the same way you select what you're going to wear everyday. Like anything else, it takes practice and discipline.

 

So if it's a negative thought, learn to turn it into a positive thought. We can change the way we think. Anytime the brain releases endorphins we feel "happy" emotion, right? If we have some sort of chemical imbalance, then we get depressed...diet plays a huge role in how we feel as well, of course. It's all chemical. It's also spiritual. And it's controllable. Whether it be through mindfulness, mentoring, meditation or medication...

 

So since you basically just wanted share your testimony and state there are only 5 ways for you to consider reconciling with your ex or now how you will never reconcile with your ex...Fine. Good. Great.

 

All the best of luck to you.

 

And that's exactly what the 3rd point of my OP was about. It's my way of taking this negative thought and turning it into a positive thought. Framing it as a necessary evil has completely taken the venom out of the bite.

 

That's pretty much my fear here. It sounds like this is a recurring cycle and while the OP insists that he is done and moving forward, I just feel that she'll tug on the leash, he'll respond eagerly, and the cycle will repeat.

 

Then all I can say is give me time to prove that won't be the case.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

So your coping mechanism is to obsessively psychoanalyze her and decide that she's making horrible, destructive life choices? That, more than the holding on to hope, is what makes me think you're ignoring reality. You are basically blaming the dissolution of your relationship on her own supposed mental illness and disorders.

 

It's genuinely frightening that you believe you know what's best for her. The most important part of healing after a breakup is accepting that your former partner made a choice not to be with you. She made the choice by herself, in her own sound mind, and has clearly decided she feels better moving forward; if she didn't, she'd reach out to you. It's so painful to realize that the other person prefers their life without us, but that same realization makes us stronger. After all, why should you spend so much energy on someone who doesn't even want to be with you?

 

You should look into the concept of "radical acceptance". It is very useful for dealing with all kinds of difficult life events, including breakups, and makes it easier to acknowledge your own role in the situation.