I wasn't myself for 5 days...she broke up with me

[TT923]

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She means a lot to me. I am 22, she is 20. We have been through so much, I ended up in the hospital for collapsed lung, she was there, just a lot. She is about 35 minutes away since we are both in different colleges.

 

Anyway I was cold to her for a few days, about 5 before she broke up with me. I didn't come see her, I didn't really talk to her, and I really got her upset. She would cry herself to sleep because it seemed I didn't care. I didn't tell her why, but then she said she wanted a break, then a breakup. She cried and was really upset. Then she got really cold towards me. I felt horrible, she is everything I want in life.

 

Now please before you judge me for being bad here is my reason. My grandfather is really sickly. He was going in for a checkup and the doctor was extremely worried about his lungs. (He smoked all his life but recently quit.) He coughs all the time. We don't know how much time he has left. I talked to him and he told me things that I didn't know how to respond. (Do you want any of my things when I die? ect...) I was scared, i didn't want to tell her because I didn't want her to get upset because she recently lost someone in her family and she was devastated. I was just scared...I didn't want him to leave us and I have so much that I still do with my grandpa. (work on cars, help him around the house...) My girlfriend left me...and after a week of NC, i wrote her a letter telling her what came over me. I told her why I was afraid to tell her. My family is extremely close, and also he almost died last year due to Legioneers Disease. When she broke up with me she said she needed space and that "this isn't it for us" and "I don't think things between us are over forever". However She said she wanted to do this, and to be independent. That she "really really needs to do this for herself."

 

I wrote her the letter just telling her that it took a lot out of me. He may or may not have lung cancer...they don't know. I miss her, and everyday I am hoping she will talk to me. She still has yet to contact me. She has yet to take any pictures of us down.

 

I know she needs time, because I did hurt her. I trust her with everything and we have had next to no fights in 3 years. She always talked about being together forever, where she wants to get married with me and all that.

 

I just want to know if anyone can just look on the outside in and tell me what should i expect? My birthday is September 23. i hope she contacts me before that. I think she was hurt, I think she is just saying she wants to independent because I didn't talk to her and I was a shell. It hurts to think about. I said everything I could in that letter. My grandfather is depressed, he is sick, and I just want him to be ok. I feel better after opening up in that letter and talking to him.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks everyone

[Chi townD]

In relationships, there are a lot of up's and down's. Dating is kind of an audition for engagement and marriage. In a marriage, they say to be together through the good times and the bad. The moment you are in a rut. The moment you are having a hard time and shutdown for a moment, she bails on you. Drops you. Because you didn't give HER time and affection?!?! That's rather selfish of her. You were having problems. You were having issues. Did she stand by her man? Nope! Did she say no matter what's going on, we'll work the issues together when you're ready? Nope! Did she say, "Look, obviously there's something going on with you and I want you to know that you can open up to me when you're ready to talk; I'm not going anywhere." Nope! She ran for the hills claiming that she wants to be "independent"

 

 

Translation? She wants to go find some other poor sap that will bend over and kiss her ass at the drop of a dime.

 

 

Might not be what you want to hear, but any girl or guy that knows you well enough to know that there's something wrong and; rather than help you through it, tosses you to the curb isn't worth your time.

 

 

 

 

Time to heal and move on dude.

[TT923]

I know what you are saying, but she is the sweetest girl to me outside of this. Trust me, Things were really hard, I was in college and she was home. There were tough parts, injuries, her family loss, us being together in summers... all that.

 

I do think I was cold to her. I did say I would get you that day previously and I told her I couldn't that day. I just want to know why she hasn't contacted me. Does she feel guilty that she ran away and is looking for the words to say? Does she feel horrible inside that she could leave me at a low point in my life? Idk. That's my biggest issue. I know time will tell, especially since my birthday is next week.

 

How much time may she need? I just want to have an understanding...She is a very caring girl outside of this. She actually is the sweetest girl I know, that is what drew me towards her 3 years ago.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a feeling those 5 days did not spell the end of the relationship, per se. It was likely coming for a little while, though you may not have seen it. A three-year relationship can generally endure a short rough patch, if it's a healthy enough relationship. Take a step back and ask yourself how things were really going prior to your grandfather's illness.

[TT923]

Actually, they were going well. Summer is the hard part because we live at home and work all summer. We really didn't that much alone time. The first week of school was good. I saw here and she was so happy to see me. Even on the week of the breakup she said, "If I could comfort you and help you I think you would be making time to pick me up and we would sit together and do homework together and just be together...but that's not happening... :("

 

In her texts...reading them back...She wanted me to be ok, she wanted me to focus on what I needed and that is why she wanted a break. Just so i could do what i needed.

[NC-Thomas]

Trust me, the " I ****ed up because I was cold for 5 days" statement doesn't make any sense. As ExpatInItaly says she was probably thinking about ending it a lot earlier.

 

Stop blaming yourself for everything and try to clear up your thoughts. It's probably to early for that now, but you will see things clearer as time moves on.

 

Also stop contacting her, I will help you big time in the end. The fact that she wants you to be OK etc is just to clear her conscience for dumping you. So she can say to herself: " Now I can feel good about myself for dumping him / I did nothing wrong".

Edited September 17, 2014 by NC-Thomas

[evanescentworld]

.......

How much time may she need? I just want to have an understanding...She is a very caring girl outside of this. She actually is the sweetest girl I know, that is what drew me towards her 3 years ago.

 

Yes, but three years ago, you were barely out of your teens, and she was still a child.

well guess what?

Girls allegedly mature faster than guys, and she's moved on.

You are not what she wants any more, and she wants to flex her wings and have a bit of freedom.

And to be honest with you - rightly so.

Much as you may hate to read this, you're both at a stage when you should be enjoying a bit of free, unattached time. A bit of adventure, exploration, self-expression, diversity, fun and no ties.

She will take all the time she wants, not needs.

And sadly, I think her 'time' means 'permanent'....

You need to understand - and accept - that she has changed, evolved and moved on.

And you should do the same.

[TT923]

Again, I appreciate all the responses, but everything here is all on moving on and that. My parents experienced this. A time of breakup right at their 20's, but less than a month later they got back together.

 

There is something special about this girl. I know all of you want to say move on, or she is gone...but I won't lose hope. I expect the worst and hope for the best on this part. I know many who have broken up and are together now.

 

All I wanted to know is if she will at least contact me. None of you know that, and that is ok. I will have to wait and see. I said my peace to her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Actually, they were going well. Summer is the hard part because we live at home and work all summer. We really didn't that much alone time. The first week of school was good. I saw here and she was so happy to see me. Even on the week of the breakup she said, "If I could comfort you and help you I think you would be making time to pick me up and we would sit together and do homework together and just be together...but that's not happening... :("

 

In her texts...reading them back...She wanted me to be ok, she wanted me to focus on what I needed and that is why she wanted a break. Just so i could do what i needed.

 

But in your earlier post you said she told you she wanted to be independent and really needed this for herself.

 

Honestly, I have never once broken up with someone because I wanted them to focus on themselves. I have only ever broken up with someone because the relationship was no longer what I wanted, and it wasn't working for some reason or another. Again, I still believe there was more to her decision than those 5 days. I'm not saying it won't work out in the end, but I also think there is more factoring into her decision than you realize.

[evanescentworld]

Again, I appreciate all the responses, but everything here is all on moving on and that. My parents experienced this. A time of breakup right at their 20's, but less than a month later they got back together.

Neither of you are your parents, and your courting cannot be compared to theirs.

Times were different then, and people had different attitudes, values, morals, opinions.... The youth of today have a sense of entitlement and a 'go out and get some' PoV. If they don't like something, they feel they have the liberty to change it, and not put up with something that goes against what they want. It's not selfish, exactly, but it's less effort.

When your parents were young, it was considered better to hold on and keep going.

There is no "one view is right the other wrong" here. There is however, a big difference.

 

There is something special about this girl. I know all of you want to say move on, or she is gone...but I won't lose hope. I expect the worst and hope for the best on this part. I know many who have broken up and are together now.

Really?

Statistics and evidence proves you wrong. The reconciliation forum is not replete with success stories. Quite the opposite.

 

All I wanted to know is if she will at least contact me. None of you know that, and that is ok. I will have to wait and see. I said my peace to her.

Oh there is no question whatsoever that she will contact you again.

But don't hold onto any hope of getting back together.

It's sadly more likely that her contact will be a form of breadcrumbs. A gesture designed to keep you buddy-buddy and appease her sense of guilt, relieve her conscience and make herself feel better about this break-up.

 

Cynical?

No realistic.

This entire forum is really about problems and solutions, not success stories.

 

While I would love you to be in the latter category, sadly, history and threads here say that is a slim hope.

[Chi townD]

Again, I appreciate all the responses, but everything here is all on moving on and that. My parents experienced this. A time of breakup right at their 20's, but less than a month later they got back together.

 

There is something special about this girl. I know all of you want to say move on, or she is gone...but I won't lose hope. I expect the worst and hope for the best on this part. I know many who have broken up and are together now.

 

All I wanted to know is if she will at least contact me. None of you know that, and that is ok. I will have to wait and see. I said my peace to her.

 

 

Then the best thing you can do for yourself is do a strict No Contact (NC) on her. She made the choice. She decided to have you out of her life. So, you give her exactly what she's asking for. Do not respond to texts and let all calls go to voicemail. Block her on Facebook and all social media. I have a feeling she's going to throw you some breadcrumbs, texting you crap like, "Hi! How are you?" Those mean nothing. They are selfishly motivated for either an ego boost or to gage where your head is at (to see if you're still in pain or if you hate her). Those are NOT indications that she wants to come back. So, ignore them. If you receive them, DO NOT respond. Take a deep breath and post about it here instead. People will be here to walk you through it.

 

 

She made a choice, and that was to have you gone. So, she has to see what life is going to be like without you in it. That you aren't available to give her a warm fuzzy and to make her feel better whenever she wants.

[TT923]

I don't plan on contacting her again. I did what I needed for myself. I don't think she is that mean, I know everyone wants to say she is cynical. I don't think that. However, that doesn't mean she doesn't feel guilty. She probably does.

 

My friends have given me advice as they have seen us together. They said give her space, she'll come back. That's how I feel. My primary focus is school right now. The way I look at it now is that if she comes back, she won't let go again. I want her to figure herself out. She needs to see what she wants. Whether that is me or not, time will tell. This time apart for me did help me solve some issues I have been going through as well.

 

Thanks for all the replies. If she does call, I do need to answer. I can't be that mean to ignore it. Even my mom said you should answer it because she may need to tell you something important.

 

I'll see what comes out of this and us.

[TT923]

Update: She wants to meet up for dinner Sunday.

[evanescentworld]

I do so hope I am wrong, but I suspect a sunday roast of breadcrumbs.....

[Chi townD]

Did she tell you why?