DG13 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Hi all, So, my bf of 4 years broke up with me 2 months ago - seemingly out of nowhere.. (Full story: On a Break after 4 years) Since then, I've been listening to the advice on here and working on me. Put away all of his stuff, didn't contact him, joined a kickball league, went to the gym. Everything I'm supposed to do - and it's working for the most part. I'm doing pretty well. Still miss him, but I'm focusing on me. I'm moving apartments next week and didn't want to start a 'new life' with his things coming with me, so I reached out to ask him if he'd like them back. He suggested a meet-up and I agreed to lunch on Sunday. Saturday rolled around and he saw a group of our mutual friends who told me he had been there and said that he looked like he was a mess and seemed unhappy. Apparently he was asking if I was okay and when asked, said he was doing "::sigh:: ok.." We met on Sunday to exchange stuff. He brought up the relationship and apologized for not being forthcoming with it being a "break-up" and not a 'break' once he "realized he needed more time". He then told me he's been doing crazy hours at work (which he never did), quit the Crossfit class he was obsessed with when we were together (the only big thing we disagreed on), and has no idea what he's doing with his life. He said he that he isn't interested in dating someone new or going out or anything and was afraid to meet because he wasn't sure what seeing me would do to his head. He dumped me. I don't get it. I really don't... and it makes me angry. Why does he get to be a mess when HE did this? I never wanted any of this. And now people feel bad for him cause he's so sad and lost? Can anyone shed some light on this crap cause... WTF? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Change has an adverse affect on many people. Even if he ended your relationship that doesn't mean he doesn't miss the good memories. He probably feels as alone as you do. That doesn't mean you have to comfort him or even feel sorry for him because as you know this was his choice. You got stuck with it. I only pointed this out because you asked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoul6486 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I think he's just trying to hold you back from moving on because he has not. From your post, it doesn't seem you want him back, but if you have any little feeling of letting him back in, I would advise you not to. I've fallen for that with my ex...twice. She told me she wanted to work things out. It turns out she started seeing another guy while we were "working things out." Next thing I know, I come back from a vacation and she has a boyfriend. I think that he hasn't moved on and he wants to make sure you don't until he has. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I think that all he really knows is that whatever it is he wants, it doesn't include you as his co-star. That doesn't mean he's happy about it. He probably doesn't really understand it either, it is just a feeling that he has and cannot ignore. It's almost better when they meet somebody else, right? I mean, at least then you have some excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 17, 2014 Author Share Posted September 17, 2014 But like.. Why are you gonna say stuff like "I know you might find someone else before I can figure myself out and that's something I'm going to have to live with." At first I thought he found someone else because it was so out of nowhere.. I guess I'm just thrown cause I was expecting him to have moved on and be fine, but he's not. I don't know what that means.. I know it shouldn't mean anything to me, but.. now I'm overthinking it again.. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Because he's not happy with a situation he feels is necessary. WHY? I don't know. But he is still suffering emotionally, and he's just as irrational and obsessed and overthinking it as you are. The only real difference is right now, he doesn't see a way to be with you. You think it would be easy enough for him to say "I made a huge mstake, I want you back." That's the difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 I'm just so mad cause I was doing really well assuming he was off living his life and now knowing he's all mopey too.. It was easier when I was angry.. It's making me think about him more and I don't want to! I want to move on, but now he's in my head again. What gives you the right to be all sad when this was your choice?? :/ Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 My ex did **** like this. Honestly, he's just hoping you'll comfort him and he's also trying to get information out of you. Like, if you're seeing anyone else. Don't fall for it. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Because he's not happy with a situation he feels is necessary. WHY? I don't know. But he is still suffering emotionally, and he's just as irrational and obsessed and overthinking it as you are. The only real difference is right now, he doesn't see a way to be with you. You think it would be easy enough for him to say "I made a huge mstake, I want you back." That's the difference. This! I broke it off and this is how I'm feeling to a T. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Not everybody feels great or relieved after breaking up with someone. I don't see why its a bad thing that he is hurting from it. He once loved you and probably still cares about you, but is in a bad place right now. From the sound of it he could be dealing with some depression right now. It makes sense, he pudhed you away and no longer enjoys doing things that he enjoys, also he seems like he is suffering but still hasn't asked you back, it makes sense, depression can do that to people, especially acute episodes. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I'd like nothing more than to show up in some grand gesture and propose marriage to my ex, but I can not do that. Nothing will change. That makes me sad. Maybe he feels the same? Sure people say they will change.. Then they say it again and again. This is what depresses me about my ending it. Had to . Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 I don't see why its a bad thing that he is hurting from it. I don't know that it's a bad thing.. It's just soo not what I was expecting from a guy who never really wanted to open up or talk about how he was feeling when it came to our relationship to suddenly be reaching out to mutual friends about how he's all sad.. It's just thrown me for a loop cause he's always been the guy who puts on the front that everything's great in front of friends and now he's not. He was so concerned about what everyone else thought.. And to suddenly not care that people know he's not Mr. Perfect is exactly the opposite if what I expected. Link to post Share on other sites
Boomshine Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I'm just so mad cause I was doing really well assuming he was off living his life and now knowing he's all mopey too.. It was easier when I was angry.. It's making me think about him more and I don't want to! I want to move on, but now he's in my head again. What gives you the right to be all sad when this was your choice?? :/ Doing the "right thing" doesn't always mean it comes easily or with happiness included. Happiness sold separately. I just kicked my best friend and ex-girlfriend out of my life entirely two weeks ago. Guess who's more distraught about it... Answer: Me. She's going through GIGS, and has a new guy around to keep her distracted. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here actually reflecting on everything and PROPERLY healing from it all. I'm not happy that I had to walk away from her. I wanted us to have the type of friendship she'd been promising for the past 4.5 months since we were last intimate. But I realized the promises were empty, and took my leave. The only people that are TRULY happy after breaking up with someone are the people that had a reason to HATE the other person: Cheaters, liars, what-have-yous. If a singular act did not cause your breakup, then chances are INCREDIBLY HIGH that this was not an easy decision to come to for the "dumper". Long story short, doing the right thing and doing what makes you feel best don't necessarily go hand-in-hand. Especially in relationship situations where things just "kinda feel off" as opposed to "**** that person, I hope they go to hell!" Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I don't know that it's a bad thing.. It's just soo not what I was expecting from a guy who never really wanted to open up or talk about how he was feeling when it came to our relationship to suddenly be reaching out to mutual friends about how he's all sad.. It's just thrown me for a loop cause he's always been the guy who puts on the front that everything's great in front of friends and now he's not. He was so concerned about what everyone else thought.. And to suddenly not care that people know he's not Mr. Perfect is exactly the opposite if what I expected. You are assuming that breaking up with you is the reason that he is sad. Perhaps the reason he broke up with you is BECAUSE he was feeling this way. It is often said (because it is true) that to be happy in a relationship, you need to be first be happy with yourself. Maybe he wasn't and thought that he could find a way to be happy on his own. When he made the comment about thinking you would be in a relationship before he figures himself out could mean that he didn't think he could make you happy because he wasn't happy & expected you to find someone else who could. Try not to dwell on it. You are not responsible for his happiness. Hopefully, in time, he will figure it out himself--that it's up to him, not a gf or his friends. In the meantime, live your life & keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Boomshine Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 You are assuming that breaking up with you is the reason that he is sad. Perhaps the reason he broke up with you is BECAUSE he was feeling this way. It is often said (because it is true) that to be happy in a relationship, you need to be first be happy with yourself. Maybe he wasn't and thought that he could find a way to be happy on his own. When he made the comment about thinking you would be in a relationship before he figures himself out could mean that he didn't think he could make you happy because he wasn't happy & expected you to find someone else who could. Try not to dwell on it. You are not responsible for his happiness. Hopefully, in time, he will figure it out himself--that it's up to him, not a gf or his friends. In the meantime, live your life & keep moving forward. Truer words never spoken. I applaud this post ten-thousand percent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 When he made the comment about thinking you would be in a relationship before he figures himself out could mean that he didn't think he could make you happy because he wasn't happy & expected you to find someone else who could. It would have been nice if I had a say in that.. Or if he had told me he was feeling like this instead of pretending everything was A-ok and then dumping me. Don't I get a say in whether I want to be 'happy' with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Perhaps he's trying the pity route to get back with you. Perhaps he's just lost his head and is doing one stupid thing after the next. Either way, this guy is far from being relationship material. Or even friend material for that matter; nobody needs a sad clown at a party. Just keep moving on. You exchanged your stuff, you don't have to see him again. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I think this is a prime example of why we should not meet up with our exes. All it will do is set us back in our progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 I think this is a prime example of why we should not meet up with our exes. All it will do is set us back in our progress. The only problem with that is we have so many mutual friends that I was going to see him eventually.. and I figured a quick lunch would be a better first meeting than drunk at a party or something.. =/ Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 The only problem with that is we have so many mutual friends that I was going to see him eventually.. and I figured a quick lunch would be a better first meeting than drunk at a party or something.. =/ Ah, I see. I think since the feelings are still unsettled (atleast now since the meeting) go back to NC and get perspective. He hasn't straight come out with the "I made a mistake, I want you back" so keep on progressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 It would just be so much easier if I could hate him.. Now I just feel bad for him.. I don't want to feel anything for him. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 It would have been nice if I had a say in that.. Or if he had told me he was feeling like this instead of pretending everything was A-ok and then dumping me. Don't I get a say in whether I want to be 'happy' with someone else? Sure, you do. If you weren't happy, you could have broken it off, but he had the same right to decide what he felt he needed to do. As someone who struggled with depression and anxiety for years, I can tell you that because I didn't WANT to be depressed & didn't want OTHERS to know I was depressed, I hid behind a happy face hoping that if I didn't acknowledge it, it would just go away. It didn't. Thankfully, my Dad told me that he recognized what I was going through because, much to my surprise, he had gone through the same thing. (Yes, he hid it, too) and I was finally able to face it & get help in overcoming it. Want to know why I didn't want anyone to know? I'll tell you....because I was afraid they wouldn't understand & I wasn't able to explain. I was concerned that those close to me would feel responsible or would try to "make" me feel better and because I knew they couldn't, I didn't want to disappoint or frustrate them. I felt bad enough already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 I honestly don't think it's depression with him.. He doesn't know how to be alone and I think he's realizing that he has to actually deal with his issues instead of constantly trying to put on the front that everything's perfect and he doesn't know how to do that.. He's never really thought about who he is and what he wants without taking what everyone will think of him into account.. I just wasn't expecting him to actually think about things. I was expecting the usual "everything's good" response and to see that he's actually doing what he said he was going to do is throwing me a curve ball.. Where was this when we were together, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
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