The crazy 6 year never ending cycle (Updated)

[Just smile]

I've been here on and off for two years! Previously the times I'm off is when we have gotten back together which has been a lot .

 

The last time I took him back I truly believed he was going to make major changes - he, at 55 needs to happy hour 5 days a week , playing darts I'm a bar .comes home , let's dog out And heads out to another bar to watch a band . I've had a serious problem w this - And thankfully when I took him back he acknowledged it and promised he would make serious changes - one month later back to drinking and going out - recently my older son found out his 19 year old daughter posted on twitter I was a whore ( go figure ) the kid never apologized and most recently i was asked not to come to a lunch date when he took gus family including daughter out because the kid was uncomfortable with me .( sigh ) I felt disrespected - he doesn't spend time w/ any of my four kids or come to my home .ever .

 

This past Wednesday he calls to tell me I can't see you this weekend I really need to spend quality time w my daughter - my kids were with my ex so I made plans - he texted me 10 pm Saturday night to say the kid was on couch watching a movie And he was going to local bar to see a band - I was floored !! I went on a mini text bombing your an ******* loser spree and the next morning I woke up to the " dr john " letter telling me he's had it with my irrational outbursts and I was uninvited to his block party this weekend our Florida trip next week is cancelled , etc etc etc he's done . He's had it - says I'm

Crazy - need to get help and to block all his numbers - then the silent treatment and the discarding like I'm

Garbage - he's done this exact scenario countless times, yet always comes crawling back to beg me ! I don't understand anymore - from the build up of this continually happening I nearly had a breakdown yesterday . I can't function my body hurts from this . I'll never understand how he can toss me like the garbage - then when the fog clears be so apologetic after I cry him off . I miss him - I took two days off of work for our trip next week and he pulled the plug . Again . Please offer me some words of wisdom without judgement I'm beating myself up enough ?

[Just smile]

Officially beaten down - afraid of being alone zero self esteem

- I've allowed myself to believe it's all me . I've been completely discarded as if I'm

Nothing and the pain indescribable .

 

Last time this happened I was stronger - didn't cry every day Became stronger threw myself into my work - this time I'm

Weak and sad And very very depressed - please offer words of wisdom

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Officially beaten down - afraid of being alone zero self esteem

- I've allowed myself to believe it's all me . I've been completely discarded as if I'm

Nothing and the pain indescribable .

 

Last time this happened I was stronger - didn't cry every day Became stronger threw myself into my work - this time I'm

Weak and sad And very very depressed - please offer words of wisdom

 

I have no clue but I will go out on a very wee limb and hope I don't fall on my arse. Well I guess falling on your arse is much better than on your head. Unless you want to forget about who you are and everything else. Then I'd forget what I was going to say... Now what was I going to say, see you distracted me. Right now I hope you have enough in you to be sarcy as your id implies that to your feelings in this thread.

 

I was going to make this short, but as with everything... well most everything I tend to ramble, on, and on, and on... About everything but the topic. Don't you feel annoyed right now... like I am not taking you serious... Like WTF! I am annoyed. F-you! Now that you are annoyed and getting mad at reading this, you should be able to see what little light comes from the last few words I say to you.

 

Look at all the wonderful things that allowed you to love in the first place, and be happy you have experienced it. I too have had everything ripped out of me a time or two. So if anything believe in yourself more than you believe in the world. Because once you find yourself alone, the only person capable of picking you up off the floor, is yourself.

 

No matter how happy smiley you were before all this, you must realize it was the set of circumstances that hurt you, and it had nothing to do with who you are. Every one has that special something worth having. Don't let your pain take that way from you. Find who you are again, even if it takes drudging through the rain just to get there. There is a great deal of life before you, and the wonderful thing about it is constantly taking you further long whether you want it to or not, so cry away, get it all out so you can smile again.

[Zahara]

Please offer me some words of wisdom without judgement I'm beating myself up enough

 

With everything that you have been through, and reading through your threads, your awareness and reflection of your relationship and this man is present in you but YOU have chosen time and time again to ignore what's obvious for whatever your reasons. Just go back and read you past threads and the advice given.

 

You're trying to force something that just cannot work. Your last thread, he treated you horribly. Months later something similar happens and you're surprised. He treats you like garbage and you keep going back. What surprising about a pattern that you insist on repeating?

 

You don't need our wisdom. You already know it's a bad situation and it's never going to change. You need to figure out what and why you have this dependence on him. Being surrounded by your children, friends who love you, the emotional freedom, waking up everyday and feeling good about yourself -- all things that far outweight being with a man that diminishes you. It's often said, "It's better to be alone than to be with someone and still feel alone."

 

Yes, he comes back and cries and moans -- it's not his fault. He plays the card and you cave. This is all you. Until you make a choice that you have had enough and you cannot do this anymore, nothing changes.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I 100% feel the same & I don't know what to do either x

[mightycpa]

Take a day off from your misery. Before you were discarded, you could live with being away and out of touch for a day. So take a little time out for denial, have one of those days and give yourself a little vacation from your pain. It will be there when you return recharged.

[Chi townD]

This is from your first post ever on LS:

 

 

"His kids which are 22 and 17 hate me. I'm not welcome around them,for no particular reason at all.. He had an unusual relationship with the ex whom he said he couldn't stand,and would have her over for bbqs or family gatherings and exclude me from the mix. Most recently attending his daughters graduation to which I wasn't invited in Florida.i let it go but I was hurt, I thought after all this time we could share these events together, but anywhere, where the ex wife was present I wasn't welcome.

Moving forward, he takes me away to keys. Proceeds to drink a lot and pretty much every chance he got was checking out other women in front of me,and when he thought I wasn't looking. Without sounding conceited I'm attractive, good figure look much younger than my age, and he is overweight,bald and looks much older than me.all of which wasn't a turn off to me, because I loved the man. When I pointed out the flirting he tells me I have figments of my imagination and need therapy to deal with jealousy.

He also has an ongoing best friendship with a long term ex girlfriend, emails, phone calls and before she moved, secretive lunch dates, which I would hear about after the fact.always resulting Ina huge blow out,then, we would break up.."

 

 

And you say your beaten down from a man like THIS?!?! Nevermind the kids, they're going to hate ANYONE their father is dating due to a sense of loyalty to their mother.

 

 

You need to make positive changes in your life. You need to pick yourself up and start moving! Go to the store and buy a new wardrobe. Then go get a new hairstyle. You want people to say, "DAMN GIRL! Lookin HOT!" This is going to help your self esteem!

 

 

Go to the gym and a lot! Sign up for a spin class or Zumba class. This will help you burn off the stress and frustrations you're having. Plus! If you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you'll be work towards that hard and sexy bod that guys are definitely going to notice. You'll catch dudes at the gym checking out your butt as you walk by wearing those yoga pants. You might think, "God, what a bunch of pervs" but you'll be thinking that with a smile on your face!

 

 

Then, get new hobbies! Join clubs around your area! Join a running club! Or a cycling club! Take dive lessons or a cooking course! Community theater or a photography course! Get out there! Put yourself out there and meet new people! You'll never know who you might meet!

 

 

Then, TRAVEL! Go see something new! Grab a girlfriend and go somewhere and have FUN!

 

 

Your life isn't over! Adventures are still to be had! Close that chapter of your life and open up to a blank new and fresh page! Start filling those pages with new and exciting things! You have to find that motivation.

[Just smile]

Omg thank you Jesus wtf I can't believe this pattern has been repeating itself !!! I just freaking sent another hate email to him wtf is wrong with me I so need to move on and yet all I think of is I'm nothing without him

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Omg thank you Jesus wtf I can't believe this pattern has been repeating itself !!! I just freaking sent another hate email to him wtf is wrong with me I so need to move on and yet all I think of is I'm nothing without him

 

OMG! I annoyed you so much that you ended up venting out at him... HA! Like the song goes by Tears for Fears - Shout.

 

I would have told you that earlier, but I hinted with F-you. Same thing IMO.

 

Last time I said to get angry peeps didn't like it. What the hell, who f'n cares!

 

Enjoy your smile. I think you were smiling when you posted your reply. Yep, it feels good to get rid of anger and moving on.

[Closetotheedge]

you have to put your self respect and dignity in first place

you know he is a scumbag

 

i know it's very hard,believe me, but better to put those emotions on hold

[Just smile]

Holy **** I can't even control it I've blocked his numbers through my carriers and I created a text app where I called him

! We were supposed to be at a concert tonight with another couple and I can't help but think he's with a woman ! So I kept calling of course he won't answer ! And I heard he's been talking about me saying all sorts of stuff ( he's 55 mind you ) we aren't kids !

 

I hate myself .

[SoThatHappened]

Don't beat yourself up, but STOP! I don't know the story, but you're making yourself look bad, all while not accepting things and not moving forward with your healing.

[Just smile]

Tell me how to stop I'm 46 not a child - not crazy I just feel nuts - he has always came crawling back after I go no contact but I'm so hurt I can't let go - even though in my heart of hearts I know I should never ever take this toxic person back ! Look he's out having a great time and here I am miserable - one week I'll be fine and he usually behinds hovering - why oh why does it have to be this way

[mightycpa]

I'll tell you how to stop. YOU'RE 46! STOP!!!

 

His johnson is about to go rubbery on you, and you have like 20 years left, at least.

 

He's with a woman? Get out there and be with a man. Remember the wisdom of Betty White:

 

The easiest way to get over a man is to get under another one.

[SoThatHappened]

This is how:

 

Don't use your phone to call him.

 

It's that simple.

 

I know it's HARD emotionally, but physically it is as simple as not pushing certain buttons on your phone.

 

I don't mean to be condescending. It seems you're irrational right now, you are even admitting to feeling nuts. You need to calm down.

 

You say he's toxic? I understand falling for someone who is toxic, but you really need to take a step back and force some logic into this situation.

 

What you explained in just a few sentences sounds extremely unhealthy, and more like a teenage relationship than a relationship in your 40's.

 

You are romanticizing what he's out doing and feeling bad for yourself. He may be missing you too, but he also may be tired of the merry-go-round relationship it sounds like you two have had.

 

You need to focus on you right now, independent of him. Your relationship with him does not sound healthy.

[Just smile]

Wanna hear the worst part ?? He's impotent has erectile dysfunctions low test levels very low sex drive - could only get off if he masturbated and had bizarre sexual fetishes !! Yea I know .. Strange ....

[SoThatHappened]

Wow, I can see why you can't leave this guy :/ (sarcasm, and heavy)

 

After the threads were merged I got your back story.

 

You are so co-dependent it's scary. You let this guy do and say whatever he wants and you keep taking him back.

 

For your own good, you need to find someone else... or just be alone... but not with this guy.

 

You have things you need to work on. Ask yourself, seriously ask yourself, "Why am I with a guy that treats me like that and lives his life in bars?"

 

As much as you can, step back and try to look at it logically. Your emotions are probably 95% in charge with your logic only having a 5% say right now. You need to step back so that ratio becomes much less.

 

You gotta use your head here, sweetie. If you don't get out, you'll be doing this until you're too old to get anyone else and too old to change. Then you'll look back on the last 15/20 years of your life with a lot of regret. Why? Because this guy is not going to change. At 35 maybe he could, but not at 55. He's never going to change.

 

Don't let him drag you down with him.

Edited September 18, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[LuckyLady13]

Wow, I haven't seen someone in this much of a tizzy in a long time! You said you thought it was all you? Um...it is. Everything wrong in your life right now is all you, dear. And until you admit that to yourself and face it like a grown woman (no matter how hard it is), things are not going to get better.

 

- YOU have hooked yourself up with a guy who seems to be a part timer as far as relationships go.

- YOU have taken him back after he has played games with you.

- YOU have given him another chance after he's hurt you.

- YOU have decided to date a guy who likes hanging out in bars.

- YOU have continued an unhealthy, downright sick relationship for 6 years.

 

Do you understand where I'm coming from? This is all you. You're doing this to yourself and until you admit that and stop doing this...actually, I see this getting worse and if you think you've done regrettable things now, the future is darker.

 

People are telling you to drop this guy and move on. You said you're afraid to be alone. I think, technically, somewhere deep down everyone is. But times being alone aren't forever. It's temporary.

 

You are so latched onto a dysfunctional relationship and the constant back and forth problems have your emotions tuned up so high it's like you are riding on top of a tidal wave and it's high up there, isn't it? You're scared? (Completely freaking the hell out, more like.) You have to just ride the wave down - alone!

 

I completely agree going to the gym, getting a new wardrobe and things of this nature is where you need to start. Calming yourself down, forgetting about this guy (you can do better) and getting zen is a great starting point to prepare you for being with another guy who is not full of games and doesn't feed on drama like a vampire like this guy does.

 

Once that is out of the way, you need to get out there meeting new people. Healthy people. Mentally stable people. No game-players!

 

Get a new haircut, dye your hair a different color but do something to start change in your life. You really need to change you. Because, sad to say this but...you are your biggest obstacle in your life.

 

Cut all contact with this guy and if he pulls the same routine of trying to come back, stop letting him and stop doing this to yourself. You said more than once you're not crazy but I think you know that right now you actually are and you're trying to convince yourself you're not. I think it's a coping mechanism. You're acting crazy, sending the guy hate (via phone, text) and you know and now we all at LS know he's an impotent, fat, bald guy? Right? And you're thinking he's like running around dating? Seriously?! You know exactly how crazy that all is.

 

Get away from this guy and give yourself time to breathe, mourn this sick relationship, get yourself together, find your dignity and respect by being alone for a while (it won't kill you to be alone) and move onto something so much better.

[Just smile]

Thank you for that post - the insight , the words are resonating inside of me . I have four children two adults 21 18 two are 11 and 12 - I've been not such a great Attentive mom right now sad to say and my entire being should be 100% in my children's lives not this loser .

 

I found out he's being ( And has been discussing me ) he's apparently done it before ) then begged me to give him second chance ?. I wonder why if he's so he'll bent on hurting me , disposing me , telling me he can't deal with me , why. After a week or two he resurfaces . Can't he just find Someone else ? Or I guess I'm the stupid easy prey .

 

I actually called the airline yesterday to see if he Really called to cancel and he really did . I was hysterical . Truly devastated - I am co dependent - completely - the last time this happened he acknowledged he has a drinking a problem but now is in denial and won't admit that spending five nights/ days in a bar is a problem- because he manages to maintain is big shot CEO title and drive his Lexus around .

 

 

This weekend will be tough for me knowing a huge handful of our mutual friends will be at his party and I'm uninvited .

 

I have to somehow get out of this funk. Haven't sleep or eaten a meal in days . This happened in June . And I was super strong - I just went zero no contact and felt great - then boom

I was at work and the calls began?. Same old .

 

Over the next few days I'm going to try to put my feelings away throw myself into kids n work .

 

Thank you all so very much - when you feel the way I do it helps me more than you can know - please feel free to throw out more

?

[LuckyLady13]

Whoa, wait. Hang on a second. One thing. I know most people think that they should just concentrate on work and their kids in a situation like this but that's actually wrong and a disservice to your kids. I'll explain what I mean.

 

If you focus on your kids and work, no matter how much you love your kids, you're the caretaker and it will wear on you and if you don't go into a depression, you'll have basically no life and will make yourself vulnerable to this guy you're going to get rid of.

 

80% of you should be focused on your kids (which means your job also because that's how you take care of your kids) but that other 20% is CRUCIAL and needs to be spent on just you. You are #1 and you have to be taken care of. That means happy and healthy. Otherwise, your kids will suffer. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

So many people make the mistake of focusing so hard on what, on the surface, seems like what they're supposed to focus on and forget about themselves, not realizing what that eventually will turn around and do to their kids. It's like a domino effect and you are the first domino. You can't fall. You have to be strong and standing tall, in good shape.

 

You need to have a social life. Sounds like your social life is too enmeshed with this guy so you need to find some brand new, really great and fun friends to hang around with. You need your own life. People to spend time with he never knew.

 

If you need some help, LS is a great place to ask people how to make new friends, how to get on the dating scene with 4 kids to take care of and all the things you need to focus on to get yourself out of this bad scene permanently. Make sure you're taking care of you so you can take care of your kids in a happy, healthy way.

 

You said you did NC for a while there and you were doing pretty good so you know what you need to do and you know how it's done.

 

Make some good food, have your kids help you out, try to have a good time with them and think about everything that makes you smile and happy that has everything to do with you and not you and *cough* HIM. All the stuff you loved before you met him. Start doing those things again. Your kids are older now so it should be easier to do those things too!

 

And if you can leave the kids for an hour or two and go get a haircut or new color or style or get your nails done in a gorgeous color or whatever...do that! And strut out of the salon checking out the way hotter guys out there than this bar bozo you're getting rid of. Forget what he's doing! Let him wonder what you're doing! And make sure you're doing things worthy of wondering about! Focus on YOU.

[Just smile]

Thank you !!! The responses get me through my pain - this weekend will be very rough - I wake up in such immense pain just want It to stop !!!! He obviously doesn't miss me or care enough to stop this cycle / although his zillions of promises to try. someone said to me last night " he will always come back to you as long as you allow it - he'll be back" profound to me as simple as it sounds - I'm really really going to practice being strong this time and accept any calls or accept or listen to any of his bull**** cries . I found out he took his daughter to that concert not another woman so I officially am

Crazy totally ****en nuts ?

[Just smile]

after several days of acting like a crazy idiot I think I'm regaining my clarity .although I still miss him very much and can't help but think of all the times we shared I realize that this relationship is very toxic

 

I have not heard from him and today's going to be a particularly rough day for me the party is today all of my friends are going and I'm not but I am beginning to realize that I deserve much more than this I don't deserve to be in pain all the time if somebody loves you don't treat you like your garbage and work it out talk to you try to make things right.

 

He is incapable he will undoubtedly be calling me when his schedule clears up and he is time to miss me right now he does not very busy I am on the back burner at the moment I still have my moments where I want to pick up the phone and yell and scream but I'm choosing up to that throwing myself into my work my kids trying to do the same with myself .

 

Today I will be with my daughter all day at her softball game tonight I have no plans I'm just trying to stay away from my house so I'm not alone in my thoughts .

 

I have a lot of clothes at his house shoes and jewelry and I'm not sure how to go about getting these things back I think the hardest part is realizing that the span and love me the way that I thought he did and the sooner that I can understand that sooner I will be able to MoveOn

[BC1980]

I would send someone else to get your belongings. There's no need to see him again and stir up emotions and possibly get into an argument.

[Just smile]

Should I ask my friend who lives near him to approach him for my stuff? Or just forget my stuff? Does it seem like I'm imitating contact ??? I don't know what the right thing to do is