I just ran into my ex and I'm reeling...wtf

[lostsoul6486]

First love is so hard to get over. I thought I was over her. I was no contact for over five months. She kept calling and texting until I finally answered one night. She wanted to get back together. This is when I realized I wasn't over her at all. I never stopped loving her no matter how hard I tried. After about two weeks of awkward dates, I finally got into the swing of things and started feeling like I may be able to trust her again. Things were going well. I went on a ten day vacation and when I came back she had a boyfriend who she now swears she doesn't love. She says she still loves me and she would leave him in a heartbeat if she was sure things between us would work out, but she doesn't think things would work out (I guess that gives her the right to rip my heart out and step on it a few times). Of course I make all of the mistakes in the heat of the moment and tell her how much I love her and how broken up I am about this. She said that she hasn't given up on us (but she has a new boyfriend?..what?) but she needs time to think. I'm not even mad. I'm just in shambles. I don't want opinions on what I should do because I know there is no way in hell I should take her back if she decides she wants me after all. I just want the answer to two questions: How the hell do people get over first loves and more importantly why the hell would she do this to me if she claims she loves me so much?

 

I need help. I'm literally miserable right now. Please don't add on to that misery by pointing out how stupid I've been about this. I know I've been an idiot. It's the last thing I need right now.

[Requiem4Dreams]

People get over first loves, just as they get over all relationships by allowing the annals of time to slowly progress, and by going NC. Also you'll need to keep your mind busy with new experiences. Learn a language, go on a vacation, work out at the gym, read lots of books.

 

Keeping yourself occupied will help your wounds heal.

 

As for why people do this? Sounds like your ex is emotionally unstable, or massively co-dependant and can't stand being alone. You deserve better than someone who can so easily replace you, don't you think?

[irresolute]

Ugh. That is hard to digest.

She seems to like games and you're good at giving in.

 

Self esteem is the key. Do not ever let someone treat you like an option. You should be better by yourself and you don't need all her s.h..I...t.

 

 

Seriously. You need to think you're a catch and don't ever allow a woman to treat you like a doormat again.

[lostsoul6486]

Thanks for the responses. It just really hurts that she replaced me just like that because I feel like I can't do that. I still love her so much but I just want to forget her because loving her hurts so much. When we first broke up I hated her for a while but that just takes so much out of me. She is the first and only person I have felt this way about. She has been through a lot and maybe she is emotionally unstable because I don't believe she is a bad person. I just want to be indifferent because at this point I just feel completely broken.

[54JA]

I think getting over the first love is really hard for many people simply because it is their first and have not had the experience nor tools to deal with the sudden loss. I think, like the previous posts says, NC is very helpful. I also agree with the previous post about filling your life with new experiences. I said this somewhere here, but new experiences help create "competitive memories" that slowly help to push out the old, painful memories. There is only so much a human brain can hold over time, and every new experience help to facilitate in the process of forgetting (I read this in a book). Distracting yourself with something to do (something good for you or something neutral, never alcohol, drugs, or other women) and allowing yourself a time with the limit to grieve. Gradually, you can reduce the amount of time allotted for grieving.

 

I hope you feel better. I know this is devastating. Good luck.

[HeartDesires]

Oh gosh, first loves *sigh*...absolutely the worst emotional pain you've ever experienced when you break up....it can sometimes take years to recover from - I'm not even kidding

[AltiumV]

My first love cheated on me, the wound and scar is still so fresh and deep that words cannot explain it, i still have feelings for her sadly but chose to never go back to her and would silently mourn.

 

My ex also treated me like a option, its so painful that i can almost feel what your feeling, my ex told me she loves me a dozen time but has no problems sleeping around or dating new guys INSTANTLY after a breakup.

 

in summary some girls cant live without emotional support and need guys to validate their identity, you are officially a option sorry to be blunt. if she "loved" you she would not be dating another guy and would be committed into working on the relationship with you. she loves the idea of you.

 

Its painful i know ive felt the same thing you do and i honestly still do but its time to close the chapter and shield yourself from the daggers.

[lostsoul6486]

My first love cheated on me, the wound and scar is still so fresh and deep that words cannot explain it, i still have feelings for her sadly but chose to never go back to her and would silently mourn.

 

My ex also treated me like a option, its so painful that i can almost feel what your feeling, my ex told me she loves me a dozen time but has no problems sleeping around or dating new guys INSTANTLY after a breakup.

 

in summary some girls cant live without emotional support and need guys to validate their identity, you are officially a option sorry to be blunt. if she "loved" you she would not be dating another guy and would be committed into working on the relationship with you. she loves the idea of you.

 

Its painful i know ive felt the same thing you do and i honestly still do but its time to close the chapter and shield yourself from the daggers.

 

Wow. That hurts to read. I'm sorry you're going through this because I honestly wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. My ex never cheated on me while we were actually together so I can't imagine what you went through when you found out. She has some self esteem issues that she hides from pretty much everyone except me and two of her friends. If you met her, you'd think she's the happiest person in the world. Life has kicked her around pretty good. She's even told me that her relationship with me scared her because it was the only "serious" one since her first boyfriend cheated on her. There have been things besides this that have given her trust issues and low self esteem. She told me that she's a bad and broken person and that she couldn't be with me because she always hurts everyone she loves. I know people will say that she's being a drama queen, but I know her and I don't think that is this case. Like Requiem4Dreams said, she's emotionally unstable. I once read that sometimes the hardest part of being a great catch is accepting the fact that not everyone's hands are strong enough to hold you. Accepting that is really hard when you love someone so much.

[loversquarrel]

1. You get over first loves by getting a second love.

 

2. She was able to do what she did because her love for you did not match your love for her.

 

She may be a good person, but that does not make her good for you. She doesn't treat you correctly, at least not the way a person who truly loves you would treat you. If nothing else, just try telling yourself over and over that she doesn't love you - you have the proof and knowledge she doesn't.

[Allumere]

She could do that to you because she has no idea what love is. She does not love you. That's how you get over this...you remember that there is nothing about her actions that reflect love ever time you even think about putting her on that throne. At some point you will need to forgive her so you can move on but for the near term, the anger will serve a good purpose...to plow through the muck and forward never to look back.

[Stsm5934]

I know its hard to understand how you could love someone so much and have so many joint experiences and then they treat you in a way you can't possibly comprehend. A way that you would never treat that person. I guess as you get some space and as you grow older, you'll realize that people can do horrible things during the end of the relationship. Ultimately the only real advice is the advice is that pill that's hard to swallow. Her actions now have nothing to do with you at this point.

 

In terms of getting over a love, first or otherwise, it will happen on its own time. At a certain point you need to get back to your life and filling it with things that you used to enjoy. It might be hard at first, but its the only thing that will remind you of all the space outside of those four tiny letters (l.o.v.e).

 

Remember to be compassionate with yourself, sometimes its so hard for us to not judge ourselves. Why am I not over this yet? Why does this hurt me so badly when I see other people, including me ex, move on after a relationship? What's wrong with me? ....But truly in these times we need to just love ourselves and know that our path is our own and everything your feeling right now is ok, and at the same time temporary. While time will heal, for now be present and accepting of where you are.

[lostsoul6486]

It makes it especially hard when she just texted me, "Good night. I love you. It doesn't mean I think I could handle being with you, but I love you." She's even told me that the guy she's with is nice but she doesn't love him. **** this. She's so worried about "handling" it. I don't get it. What is there to "handle?" I'm sure my close friends would be against it because they saw how low I was when she broke up with me the first time, but that will pass and at the end of the day they're my friends and they'll respect my decision if I took her back. It would hurt a lot, but at least if she just told me she doesn't love me anymore I would have no choice but to just ****ing deal with it and move on. This sucks.

[loversquarrel]

Tell her to stop contacting you.

[bubbaganoosh]

You went 5 months of no contact and then made a about face and went back into the meat grinder so now what came out of this mess is a well learned lesson and the secret now is have you learned anything by it.

 

There's a old saying, "Time heals all wounds" and I believe it now at 66 years old as much as I did when my first girlfriend broke up with me when I was a young 14. Time is the answer but this time you can't afford to go back and have the same thing happen again.

 

What you are is plan B to her and what she's doing is flat out wrong so if it was me, I wouldn't answer any text or phone calls and if need be, block her calls, and block her on face book and if by chance you run inyo her when your out and about, walk away and if push comes to shove and there's no way out then let her know that you want nothing to do with her and say it in a way that she knows that her plan for you being her plan B just circled the drain and got flushed.

 

You made it through 5 months, so you can do it again but don't fall into her trap again.

[guest569]

You're not stupid at all, I would have done exactly the same thing.. She is the stupid one here.. That makes it really difficult hearing that she loves you. But does she? She has put her feelings before yours by reaching out and getting your hopes up before deeming that she cant "handle" being with you despite loving you. I guess, use this rubbish treatment as ammunition to fight your way back to where you were after the 5 months without contact.

 

As for getting over a first love, I am still figuring that one out. Stay strong and good luck

[lostsoul6486]

You're not stupid at all, I would have done exactly the same thing.. She is the stupid one here.. That makes it really difficult hearing that she loves you. But does she? She has put her feelings before yours by reaching out and getting your hopes up before deeming that she cant "handle" being with you despite loving you. I guess, use this rubbish treatment as ammunition to fight your way back to where you were after the 5 months without contact.

 

As for getting over a first love, I am still figuring that one out. Stay strong and good luck

 

I feel stupid because when she first contacted me and I agreed to try to work things out, I was the one who wasn't sure if I could do it because I didn't trust her. I felt like maybe she just missed me and as soon as she had me again something like this would happen. Not exactly with another guy, but I felt like she didn't realize that it wasn't going to be easy not because of us, but because a lot of people weren't going to agree with it. That comes with the territory to getting back together with an ex. Everyone's stance is usually that an ex is an ex for a reason because reconciliation rarely works out. In short, I didn't think she had thought it through and I wasn't convinced that she knew what she was getting herself into. Then, a couple of weeks went by where we dated discreetly (it wasn't a secret, it just wasn't all over social media) and she was unwavering in her stance on working things out. Just when I'm starting to think that maybe she does know what this is going to take and that she's willing to do it, this **** happens. And obviously her telling me she still loves me is making it 100X harder. I already told her that I can't be talking to her while she's with this guy because I would have no respect for someone who did that. What she told me next blew my mind. According to her, she's been open with him and has told him how she feels about me and that we have been in contact. He supposedly has been very laid back about it so she says there's nothing wrong with us talking. What. The. ****.

 

I have no words. I just want to stop hurting. I know nothing but time will heal me but ranting like this feels good in the meantime so thanks for reading and responding.

[54JA]

I went back to my ex at least 3 times. We were together for 4.5 years. I felt more stupid each time I went back to him despite all the problems. I think the 4th time was our final break up. I am so glad that it's over.

 

I said this somewhere on LS before, but our relationship was like an old, no good used car that got into too many accidents. Each break up caused some damage and over time, no amount of repair could save it.

[lostsoul6486]

I'm just writing here right now because I want to text her SO BAD. I found myself going back to my phone and rereading her last text to me where she told me she loves me so I deleted it. It wasn't doing me any good. I break down the facts and when they are simplified she has left me for another guy. Whether she loves him or me shouldn't matter because she's with him. Despite this, I can't muster up any anger because I'm just so torn up about it. When she broke up with me the first time, I wanted to text her but just out of rage. I would write long, hurtful texts to send her but I would never send them because I knew it was petty and I was just pissed. This time around, I want to text her out of pain. Today has been so hard. There's just part of my ****ed up mind telling me that if I let her know how I feel she would come back even though I know it won't happen because she already knows how I feel.

[54JA]

Hang in there! Come here and write down how you feel if you need to!

[Liverpool Bloke]

Its quite simple, You are a nice person & she is corrupted. Let karma take effect,wait a bit then go find yourself a lovable female.Don't get bitter or resentful or distrust other females(cos then she has won) just pity the fool & upgrade.The sorry life she will end up in will be nobody`s fault but her own so don't let it interfere with any of your new relationships.

[lostsoul6486]

Hang in there! Come here and write down how you feel if you need to!

 

Thanks. I'm just gonna come on here and write whenever I feel the need to reach out to her. The mornings are the worst. She's always the first thing on my mind. We both go to the same university and we start today and I wanted to wish her good luck on the semester. I'm here instead because I know it's a stupid idea. Sometimes I try finding any stupid excuse to text her like this one. All it took for her to come back was to see me happy after those five months of no contact. As soon as I was happy she came back and I fell into her trap and now I've hit a new low. I try to stay busy but she's always on my mind. This hurts more than the first time.

[lostsoul6486]

Wow. She just texted me about half an hour ago to wish me a good first week of school and to tell me that she's "thinking" about me. I don't even know how to respond. I'm actually writing here to avoid responding.

 

I know many of you are going to say to block her number but I don't think that's a good idea. We have a lot of mutual friends and when we first broke up I blocked her on all social media. Not her number though. Honestly didn't even cross my mind. I just deleted her contact information. Anyway, I would see her around at places and wouldn't even acknowledge her. A few of my close friends knew why I was the way I was and they actually encouraged me to be that way if it made me feel better for the time being; however, pretty much everyone said I was being childish which I could agree with I guess. It just sucks getting these texts because I want to respond really badly. Now I can't stop thinking about her. ****.

[Requiem4Dreams]

Dont respond. These are all just breadcrumbs.

 

You might also want to consider writing in a journal. Being that it's not online you can be as vulgar and explicit as you want to with your feelings. Also that's what we are all here for as well in your moments of weakness, but above all else do not respond to texts.

[music_and_poetry]

Don't you dare text her!!!! Take it from someone who lost their first love at 17 in the cruelest way ever. To add salt to the wound they were determined, hell bound on humiliating me further (they were the dumper) they went to the most pathetic, low measures to get a reaction out of me. If it hadn't been for my best friend, I would have reacted with behavior that was just as bad. By holding my tongue, I maintained my dignity through the whole mess and got an apology four years later. I'm glad she kept me in check. Trust me, you'll want to hold on to your dignity. Do not answer.

[54JA]

Wow. She just texted me about half an hour ago to wish me a good first week of school and to tell me that she's "thinking" about me. I don't even know how to respond. I'm actually writing here to avoid responding.

 

I know many of you are going to say to block her number but I don't think that's a good idea. We have a lot of mutual friends and when we first broke up I blocked her on all social media. Not her number though. Honestly didn't even cross my mind. I just deleted her contact information. Anyway, I would see her around at places and wouldn't even acknowledge her. A few of my close friends knew why I was the way I was and they actually encouraged me to be that way if it made me feel better for the time being; however, pretty much everyone said I was being childish which I could agree with I guess. It just sucks getting these texts because I want to respond really badly. Now I can't stop thinking about her. ****.

 

Hang in there. I'm glad you came here again when you are tempted. Clench your teeth, if you must. It's like a very bad winter. You just gotta hang in there, and it will eventually pass. Hang in there!!!