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How to let go of someone who you TRULY thought was your soulmate


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Chessy I know but I really thought me and my ex were truly soulmates. I've never had a BU I couldn't handle but this is different, I don't feel like I'm loosing an ex but a true soulmate. That is what makes this one so tough. We broke up over disagreements about her kids, her ex and me. No cheating, no screaming, no I'll words just never saw eye to eye on the issue and no matter what I said she always, in her words, had to "over examine" my words. The fight was always over "how would you handle my kids and my ex" my answer was always "I don't know but I will because I love you".

 

I've been NC for 3 weeks and plan a strict NC regiment for myself but it's hard when you truly believe that this wasn't just someone you loved but a true soulmate. Any advice helps.

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I am sorry about your situation.

 

What you need to understand is that you are still in the first half of your grieving process. It is completely normal to feel like cr*p at this point.

 

But in a few months you will get out of this!

 

Stick to No Contact. Exercise. Spend time with friends and family. Pursue your hobbies.

 

At first you might have to force yourself to have fun. But slowly this will start a chemical process in your brain, and one week you find yourself completely indifferent to this woman.

 

Every time you find yourself thinking: "I am not going to find another woman like this!" you have to replace this thought with:

 

"While every woman is different, nobody is that special. I can go on without her, and I am capable of finding another woman who is a good match for me."

 

 

The power of positive thinking is not some cheesy new age stuff. It is scientifically proven that optimism improves your mood by rewiring your brain. (google cbt and neuroplasticity)

 

 

 

Be strong.

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How long were you two a couple? How long has she been divorced and how old are the kids? Were you two living together?

 

We broke up over disagreements about her kids, her ex and me.

 

What kind of disagreements were you having about her kids and ex?

 

The fight was always over "how would you handle my kids and my ex" my answer was always "I don't know but I will because I love you".

 

So you haven't met her kids? Did you two get together while she was still married? Sorry you didn't give much info so not sure if she is officially divorced or separated.

 

She was looking for real answers, not just about the fact you love her. People cannot just live on "love". Soul mates have to have more than just a deep connection to make it last. That may have brought you two together but it's how you two are as a couple is what makes the glue stronger.

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So you're not the first person to break up over this issue. Without details, I can only guess as to what was behind the issue. But if she was concerned about your relationship with her kids and her ex, my guess here is that her loyalties were not always to you - that is, she wanted you to try and fit her view of how they all fit into her life. If so - the only advice I can give you for now is to try and picture what your life would really be like with a woman who could not fit your feelings into her world view. Again, I am guessing and reading between the lines.

 

I will say this - it takes more than "love" to date a divorced mom, because you'll never be #1 on her priority list, and she doesn't view herself as a single person. The opinion of her kids and sometimes ex actually matters. Which sucks.

 

As far as soulmate goes...not sure what to say. Each relationship hurts differently, no matter what the reason. Focus more on what you need, what you want going forward, and less on why it hurts.

 

And FYI, if you want to share more, I've been exactly where you were and it takes about 3 months before you realize the relationship you thought you have wasn't the one you actually had. It has to be really hard on moms to date - because if they can't really fight for all the things in their lives they want it is very easy not to feel prioritized....

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Hey, had the same issue but on the flip side. The person I thought was my soulmate couldn't handle even the concept of my ex, and then couldn't handle my kids when they started talking about their mother a bit more after she broke her leg.

 

She moved out 5 weeks ago after 18 months, and 1 year living together. I've never gone through pain like this, and I feel for you. It' definitely gotten better for me, but I am no where near healed.

 

The thing is, I know it couldn't of worked as is, but I keep wondering if there's something I could've done to help her get over my having an ex wife. I'm told no, but being stubborn I refuse to believe it.

 

A relationship with kids and an ex involved isn't easy, unfortunately. Sounds like she wasn't ready to take the next step. Is the divorce recent?

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I stopped believing in soul mates.

 

I stayed in a relatively unhealthy relationship for a LONG time because I thought he was my soulmate. Then I realized I was wrong.

 

Letting go of that fantasy notion helped a lot in healing.

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Hey, had the same issue but on the flip side. The person I thought was my soulmate couldn't handle even the concept of my ex, and then couldn't handle my kids when they started talking about their mother a bit more after she broke her leg.

 

She moved out 5 weeks ago after 18 months, and 1 year living together. I've never gone through pain like this, and I feel for you. It' definitely gotten better for me, but I am no where near healed.

 

The thing is, I know it couldn't of worked as is, but I keep wondering if there's something I could've done to help her get over my having an ex wife. I'm told no, but being stubborn I refuse to believe it.

 

A relationship with kids and an ex involved isn't easy, unfortunately. Sounds like she wasn't ready to take the next step. Is the divorce recent?

 

I've read your story and it mirrors mine exactly! I'm a single guy, never had any kids, never engaged so the idea of kids was something that took a while for me to wrapt head around. I'm an engineer so when I give an answer it's specific, I didn't know how to be specific about how I could handle the kids and the ex so I said exactly what I knew and felt, I don't know how I will bit I will because I love you. That was never good enough and she always read into that because she said she had too because she is a mom.

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I stopped believing in soul mates.

 

I stayed in a relatively unhealthy relationship for a LONG time because I thought he was my soulmate. Then I realized I was wrong.

 

Letting go of that fantasy notion helped a lot in healing.

 

Far too often, that soulmate thing is one-sided, and so it ends. The person left behind isn't around long enough to figure out that the other was not actually a soulmate. That's why they're left with that wrong impression.

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All you can do it all the things that people tell you to do. Exercise, go out, live a life for yourself etc.

 

Just because it is your soulmate, there are no different ways to get over it.

 

I lost my soulmate. There is nothing I can do differently to get over it.

 

ANd you won't get over it until you are ready. Be easy on yourself, it sucks losing the one you wanted to get old with.

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So you're not the first person to break up over this issue. Without details, I can only guess as to what was behind the issue. But if she was concerned about your relationship with her kids and her ex, my guess here is that her loyalties were not always to you - that is, she wanted you to try and fit her view of how they all fit into her life. If so - the only advice I can give you for now is to try and picture what your life would really be like with a woman who could not fit your feelings into her world view. Again, I am guessing and reading between the lines.

 

I will say this - it takes more than "love" to date a divorced mom, because you'll never be #1 on her priority list, and she doesn't view herself as a single person. The opinion of her kids and sometimes ex actually matters. Which sucks.

 

As far as soulmate goes...not sure what to say. Each relationship hurts differently, no matter what the reason. Focus more on what you need, what you want going forward, and less on why it hurts.

 

And FYI, if you want to share more, I've been exactly where you were and it takes about 3 months before you realize the relationship you thought you have wasn't the one you actually had. It has to be really hard on moms to date - because if they can't really fight for all the things in their lives they want it is very easy not to feel prioritized....

 

Details are we were together 5 years ago when I was in the military. She had a death that was close to her and she went MIA for two weeks, I finally got ahold of her and she told me what happened and said she wanted to be left alone to deal with it. Never heard from her again after that. There were no kids or ex at this time. Fast forward 5 years and I get a random text out of the blue saying she regretted everything, always loved me and thought about me and wanted a second chance. She was still married at this time but in the process of getting a divorce. I wasn't comfortable with that but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I was fine with the kids and ex but she always made it an issue and just pushed and pushed. I always have her the same answer, I'm not the kind of guy to cross a bridge until I get there so I really didn't know how I would handle it but I knew I would and could.

 

She broke up with me 3 times over 6 months because of this. She always came back but I was always honest about what I felt and was forward and commutative over it. After the 3 breakup she wanted to get back. I couldn't at that point. She took my secure I can do this feeling and with all her doubt and back and forth really made me start to think we won't work.

 

I told her honestly I can't be with you right now, my heart is yours but my head isn't there. I told her I need her strength and support to work this out and we can get through this together. She didn't like that either, but it was the truth . I didn't want to be her ex at that point but I felt like until my head was clear of all the crap she put in their I couldn't go forward.

 

Anyhow we talked for. 5-6 months, she would still push sometimes and I pushed me further away. One day I just realized none of that mattered, I loved her and wanted to be with her period. My head had just cleared instantly. I went to see her and spent two wonderful days with her and the kids, and everything was perfect.

 

7 days later I asked her where we stood, if she could find it in her heart to give me a second chance. She said she "lost what we had" somewhere between all the back and forth. Just a week ago she was hugging me, kissing me, telling me she loved me, and allowed me to sleep in her bed, her kids have never seen anyone else besides bio dad do that so you can imagine my surprise.

 

Sorry for spelling errors, writing on my phone.

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Soulmate is another make believe human creation. Just like heaven, hell, and god. It all stems from our insecurity and need / desire to have reason and purpose added to the experience of our insignificant lives.

 

Ultimately YOUR perceptions rule your existence.

 

The relevance of everything in your life in the end is a decision on your part. If you choose to see her that way, then chances are nobody will compare and that will be to your detriment ultimately.

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If there is a such a thing as a soulmate, would they always "over-examine" your words?

 

The bigger pedestal you put her on, the harder it will be to let go.

 

Having said that- don't suppress your feelings- allow them and accept them. Your pain is genuine and it is worth feeling. You wouldn't be feeling it if it wasn't. But don't feed it or get stuck. That route can be endless....

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I've read your story and it mirrors mine exactly! I'm a single guy, never had any kids, never engaged so the idea of kids was something that took a while for me to wrapt head around. I'm an engineer so when I give an answer it's specific, I didn't know how to be specific about how I could handle the kids and the ex so I said exactly what I knew and felt, I don't know how I will bit I will because I love you. That was never good enough and she always read into that because she said she had too because she is a mom.

 

If only I was as strong as your ex, I would've booted her 9 months ago.

 

Mine told me she was fine with me having kids, wanted to be a young mother and just loved kids. Everything was good for awhile

 

After 6 months or so, the cracks began to show. She hated the very concept of my ex wife, was completely obsessed with her and then began worrying about the craziest, unkind things about my kids. For instance, she said once or twice that someday when we have kids, her family will want family pictures w/out your kids. While this hurt to hear, I tried to understand and just said, well I'm sure my kids can be in some, and not others if that's what you want. This was one of many disrespectful things that came out, she essentially projected her feelings for my ex wife on to my kids, and they became scum like she thought of my ex wife.

 

The reason I am telling you this is because I am trying to help you understand your ex's position. I was a bad parent, chased what I thought was my soulmate (the bond was immediate and intense) and was willing to allow my children to be disrespected because I thought they were getting more then they were losing (they did in that regard, but more then the 0 my ex wife gave does not equal good)

 

Your ex is a good parent, putting her kids first and while unfair to you, needed a strong commitment from you on the matter. She would've never put you before them, and that is what she should be doing. I wish i had

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“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

 

Elizabeth Gilbert

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. The relevance of everything in your life in the end is a decision on your part.

 

So true. We just refuse to use this truth to our advantage.

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If only I was as strong as your ex, I would've booted her 9 months ago.

 

Mine told me she was fine with me having kids, wanted to be a young mother and just loved kids. Everything was good for awhile

 

After 6 months or so, the cracks began to show. She hated the very concept of my ex wife, was completely obsessed with her and then began worrying about the craziest, unkind things about my kids. For instance, she said once or twice that someday when we have kids, her family will want family pictures w/out your kids. While this hurt to hear, I tried to understand and just said, well I'm sure my kids can be in some, and not others if that's what you want. This was one of many disrespectful things that came out, she essentially projected her feelings for my ex wife on to my kids, and they became scum like she thought of my ex wife.

 

The reason I am telling you this is because I am trying to help you understand your ex's position. I was a bad parent, chased what I thought was my soulmate (the bond was immediate and intense) and was willing to allow my children to be disrespected because I thought they were getting more then they were losing (they did in that regard, but more then the 0 my ex wife gave does not equal good)

 

Your ex is a good parent, putting her kids first and while unfair to you, needed a strong commitment from you on the matter. She would've never put you before them, and that is what she should be doing. I wish i had

 

I agree with this to a point. I never had doubts about her, the kids, the ex until she kept on bringing up her doubts. It never phased me until after the third time she broke up with me, hit me like a ton of bricks at that point. Then she came back, crying, letters, texts but she screwed up my head. What was I supposed to do Tim-tom?

 

In my opinion if she truly loved me she wouldnt have been so wishy-washy putting me on an emotional roller coaster. There were other things, she was still married and even though it was loveless and still just for the kids she dropped "hints" that she was unsure of divorcing him because she felt it would hurt the kids, how do you think that made me feel? In retrospect she was never sure of anything until I told her that I could not get back with her until I got off that roller coaster she put me on. Then all of a sudden she knew she wanted me and only me. In my opinion that's BS.

 

I knew I would never be first, didn't expect to but did expect the woman that loved me to put forth effort and an honest effort, not this back and forth unsure insecurity she had. That took it's toll on me in the end. If hope that makes sense to you. I felt as if I was string along so to speak in the worst kind of way and that I was no more than a crutch for her to feel wanted and give her the attention she wanted while trying to really make up her mind about this divorce. She is officially divorced now not that it matters....

Edited by h20-50
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