Lost About This...

[Solo34]

Hello again everyone.

 

Confused about the situation I'm currently in.

 

Been seeing this girl, since about the end of July and everything has been going good until this past Friday.

 

We never put an official title on it, but we were being affectionate with each other, kissing, sex, all that.

 

Well, school started up again the 2nd of September. I stayed at her place on the 2nd, and we had a great night together and everything.

 

She's got a ton on her plate with her school schedule and work and a child. I understand this, and always have. Obviously the Summer brought us more time where we didn't have school and all that, and she also told me how even though Summer's over, she's happy because Summer brought me into her life.

 

We always communicated via text and she was always using smilies, kisses and other emoticons and returning messages more or less quickly, and always telling me "good morning" and "good night"...until about the 10th of this Month.

 

I felt something might be up, and after not hearing "good night" the previous 2 nights, and also not getting a response to my previous message/question as well as her "good morning" (both out of character for her/us), at 11am the next morning I asked:

 

Me: Everything OK?

 

Her: Yes it is.

 

Me: We need to talk.

 

Her: OK

 

Me: I know you're closing tonight, but I need to talk to you tonight.

 

Her: OK

 

Me: OK. Let me know when you get out.

 

Her: OK. I will.

 

Me: OK. So I'll see you tonight and we'll talk then.

 

Her: Oh, I thought you meant on the phone because I'm not taking my car to work, "Jim" is and we had plans to be out.

 

Me: Nope. Not what I meant at all. Forget it.

 

Now "Jim" is her gay best friend whom I just met that Weds. Her and "Jim" work together, hang out, they're best friends, and I'm cool with it. I met him and he seemed like a cool dude to me as well.

 

I left later that night before asking her "You want me to stay?" and she said "Not tonight" I said "OK. No problem." and she says "Because "Matthew's" (her son) already in my bed..." and I said "I know..." I could be reading into it, but it didn't need further explanation after she said "no" to me staying.

 

But then I said "I know you're closing Friday, but if you want, I'll come over when you get out." and she was "OK. I'll let you know." We also spoke about how she might be having a get-together at her place on Saturday and I could meet her friends and hang out. I was definitely down for that, because I wanted the relationship to progress. So I also brought that up and said "And if you have the get together on Saturday, I can come to that as well...but we'll talk." and she said "OK" and we kissed goodbye.

 

So having said all that...

 

What pisses me off (and has me confused), is that after she clearly saw me say "we need to talk," she was all nonchalant about it, was just giving me 1-word responses "OK," and clearly had her mind set on going out with "Jim" as her #1 priority. She spends alot of time with this dude, and to me, he is/was always her #1 priority outside of her son.

 

To top it off, that was 2pm on Friday, and it's now 1pm Sunday, and I still haven't heard a damn thing from her. I haven't said anything else myself, and I'm over here considering what we did have, is now over.

 

[The worst part about this is that what I wanted to talk to her about after asking if everything is truly OK, is that I wanted to let her know I've begun to like her more and that I care for her...and wanted to be exclusive and serious with her. ]

 

What are your guys' thoughts on what I've said? What should I do?

 

Thanks for reading and responding.

 

-Solo

[Solo34]

Well I finally got my answer earlier tonight...and yes, it bothers me...because it's what I thought.

 

She told me:

 

"I should of said something rather than keep you guessing on what's going on. I really was feeling you a lot and then as days went on it started to become less and less. You're a great guy, you really are and I hope you find someone who can make you feel happy. I'm sorry it ended like this.

 

I thought if I give it a little more (time) my feelings would come back but they never did."

 

I said:

 

"Oh, so I did something that made you lose your attraction towards me and it never came back. But yeah, you can leave my stuff on the back porch (Told her to leave my stuff there and I'll pick it up, she said if that's what works for me, let her know.) and I'll pick it up when I can. Take care, 'Yolanda.'"

 

Well...Solo back to being Solo. Really did like this girl...Of course, now I'm wondering what it is that made her attraction and interest in me die off? I'll never know. Just really sad about it all right now.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Solo34

[2sunny]

I'm sorry she hurt you.

 

Sounds like her gay friend isn't gay.

 

Don't fall for that line.

 

But know she's not interested anymore.

 

Start dating other gals.

[Solo34]

I'm sorry she hurt you.

 

Sounds like her gay friend isn't gay.

 

Don't fall for that line.

 

But know she's not interested anymore.

 

Start dating other gals.

 

Thanks for the response, he definitely is gay...it's 10000% factual.

 

But thank you for responding to me and my situation. I do appreciate it.

[johnson_j]

You best response is to be silent and not say anything to her. I am a strong believer that girls generally lose interest because of newer love interests.

[Solo34]

You best response is to be silent and not say anything to her. I am a strong believer that girls generally lose interest because of newer love interests.

 

Thanks alot for this. I have stayed silent since getting the confirmation and have NOT said another word at all in any sort of way.

 

That's exactly what I plan on continuing to do as well.

 

Really appreciate your response...and was also thinking that might be a factor as well.

 

Thanks.

[Solo34]

You know what everyone...after a few days of reflecting and looking at videos online from Relationship Experts/Coaches (not those douche bag pick-up experts), I've realized she may just have been completely honest about just not feeling me anymore due to the loss of attraction.

 

This is what happened with me...not immediately, but I ended up:

 

*Coming off as too negative. Not positive and fun.

*Came off as not accepting who she was at times. Appeared as not tolerant of differences (music, lifestyle, people’s likes and differences).

*Came off as too opinionated.

*Came off as clingy and needy.

*Came off as too boring.

*Was not confident and unsure.

*Came across as needy and no challenge. Too easy. Too helpful. Too ready to please. She KNEW I liked her.

*Didn’t keep it light-hearted and fun just like the beginning was.

*Came on too serious too fast and too soon.

*Was way too open and didn’t keep things to myself. Talked too much and was too honest about things. Didn’t stay a mystery. Left nothing for discovery.

 

*Answered texts immediately.

*Too many compliments.

*Too quick to appease her and did dishes, cleaned up for her, carry her son.

*Told her I was boring, too boring for her, she’ll get bored of me.

 

 

I ended up sabotaging the situation for myself and just ruined the entire thing with this weak ass behavior. Embarrassed as all Hell just to realize how weak I was. I went from being a man and us having positive, fun, light-hearted good times to becoming a punk that was just too easy to appease her and not be any sort of a challenge.

 

She truly was all about me, and I pushed her away/turned her off by being this way. Craziest part about this sh*t is that I'm not even like this...I just actually liked her and I was too quick to "prove it" by doing all the wrong things that turn girls off...being weak.

 

SMDH at myself for this one...she's gone, and I won't get another chance. Really has me upset that I blew it with a great girl by being weak.

 

So damn embarrassed with myself.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you are way overthinking this. I'm guessing very few of those things you mentioned have anything to do with why her feelings changed, or never got past first base. I mean, in listing all these things you feel you did "wrong" you are exhibiting the exact same behavior you are trying to prevent. You are trying to make yourself into someone different for the sake of someone else, which is truly unattractive.

 

And you contradict yourself in listing the things you did wrong. Near the top you say that you were too negative, too opinionated, and unaccepting. Then at the bottom you talk about being too quick to appease, being too complimentary and way too open. I mean, either you are a schizo with two diametrically different personalities or you are overthinking to the point where you have made yourself crosseyed. I'm going with Door No. 2 on that one.

 

If there's one thing that does ring true, it's the "not confident" comment. Because clearly, you aren't confident. Instead of just being you and embracing being you, you are trying to be who you think women want you to be. But the crazy thing is, women want you to be you. If that means being opinionated, be opinionated. If that means being helpful, be helpful. Own who you are.

 

Obviously there are things you don't want to do -- don't overwhelm them with calls/texts, don't be spineless (you weren't spineless, you can't be opinionated and stick to your beliefs and be spineless, it's impossible), and don't center your whole life around them. But right now you are trying to insert logic into feelings, which are completely illogical things. You could act the exact same way with another woman that you did with this one and she might eat it up.

 

Either way, I know it sucks. Short relationships are sometimes really tough to get over (that's how I got started here 2 years agoish) because a) there's usually no negative leadup, it goes from good to bad pretty quick and b) unrealized potential is frustrating. But you can rebound from this without overhauling your entire approach. It's not necessary -- a tweak here and there is always good, but you have to own who you are and be cool with it.

 

Hope this helps.

[Solo34]

I think you are way overthinking this. I'm guessing very few of those things you mentioned have anything to do with why her feelings changed, or never got past first base. I mean, in listing all these things you feel you did "wrong" you are exhibiting the exact same behavior you are trying to prevent. You are trying to make yourself into someone different for the sake of someone else, which is truly unattractive.

 

And you contradict yourself in listing the things you did wrong. Near the top you say that you were too negative, too opinionated, and unaccepting. Then at the bottom you talk about being too quick to appease, being too complimentary and way too open. I mean, either you are a schizo with two diametrically different personalities or you are overthinking to the point where you have made yourself crosseyed. I'm going with Door No. 2 on that one.

 

If there's one thing that does ring true, it's the "not confident" comment. Because clearly, you aren't confident. Instead of just being you and embracing being you, you are trying to be who you think women want you to be. But the crazy thing is, women want you to be you. If that means being opinionated, be opinionated. If that means being helpful, be helpful. Own who you are.

 

Obviously there are things you don't want to do -- don't overwhelm them with calls/texts, don't be spineless (you weren't spineless, you can't be opinionated and stick to your beliefs and be spineless, it's impossible), and don't center your whole life around them. But right now you are trying to insert logic into feelings, which are completely illogical things. You could act the exact same way with another woman that you did with this one and she might eat it up.

 

Either way, I know it sucks. Short relationships are sometimes really tough to get over (that's how I got started here 2 years agoish) because a) there's usually no negative leadup, it goes from good to bad pretty quick and b) unrealized potential is frustrating. But you can rebound from this without overhauling your entire approach. It's not necessary -- a tweak here and there is always good, but you have to own who you are and be cool with it.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Thanks alot, dude. Really appreciate it. I did definitely get passed 1st base...hit a few HR's with her in fact. (Unless we're talking different baseball stuff here and I missed what U meant.)

 

I'm just saying that once I did hit it a few times, I became weak and not very masculine. I didn't own what I was doing and being. I over-analyzed (which I'm doing now as well, and got myself all confused as well...then and now) I think I did put her off being that way, because it's not how I was being when I attracted her.

 

But again, thanks Simon Phoenix. You said some great things here.

 

Things I appreciate.