Bella2 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 BU a little over two weeks now. I was with him for a year. A great guy, who was very honest with me. He was no longer in love, at the end of the year he had noticed that he could be attracted to other women, and that was a sign that things were not okay. The first week I spent in bed. The second week I went back to work. I still sent some mails to my ex, and then told him we should have no contact. That would be easier for me. He understood. And yesterday I actually had A Date. Not that I was really excited about it, but hey, I have to change my mind and meet new people, no? We were at a restaurant together, I was sort of having fun I guess (not really interested in the guy, but he was nice and interesting). We talked, we laughed. We were sitting outside on the terrace. And guess what? My ex walks by and sees us!!! A little moment of shock yes. He said hello, gave me a kiss, and continued his path. Later I received a text message. That he wished me all the best with my new future love, but that it hurt him. In the night he sent me an email, saying he was crushed to have seen me with somebody else. He was hurt, sad and shocked. To know that other guys were already interested in me. That yes, he had made a choice, but the idea of me with somebody else was unbearable and it made him feel sick. That he was replaced so quickly. I responded... Saying that I was with nobody, that I was still hurting too, but yes, he had made a choice, he doesn't want me, and I can do what I want now... Still, it upsets me and gives me a little of that damn hope Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 He can't break up with you and not expect you to make efforts to move on. What does he want you to do, wear widow's tweeds for a year, in "mourning"...? That's just Ego, and he needs to 'get over' himself. you did the right thing, and frankly, if he's this jealous and possessive - when the reason he broke up with you was that he was attracted to other women...?! (Puh-leeze!) - then you're really better off without him. Sad, but true.... You're doing very well. Don't keep hope up, but also, don't 'date' until you're ready. Socialise, get out, do different things, try different activities which bring you into contact with other people - but only 'date' when you feel it's all good.... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Yeah, really, it hurt me like hell when he told me about the "attraction to other women"-thing. He wanted out. Then he sees me with someone else, and he's going all "drama-queen" on me. You're right, it's all about his ego. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 And yes, I'm not ready at all to date... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 A lot of people who have been dumped decide to date earlier than perhaps they should. This is for 2 reasons: One to validate themselves and to confirm they are still attractive to potential partners, and Two, in order to fill the gap, plug the void and block the sadness.... 1: If they dated before, particularly if the dumper was not the one and only, then they'll date again. It's a huge world out there, and you've not met everybody yet, so give yourself the credit for being single, selective and a worthwhile and constant partner - to the right guy (he obviously wasn't 'it'....) 2: Nothing fills the gap but your own healing. Don't look for comparisons, replacements or fillers. That's unfair on both you and the poor guy who doesn't know what your "baggage" is. It's not up to others to come up to scratch, or meet a previous standard, and while you're hurting and smarting form the final push, even unconsciously, that's what you'll be doing. So give yourself time to get over the pain. Relax, be free, single, your own boss and answerable to yourself, only. You'll know when you're ready. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 2: Nothing fills the gap but your own healing. Don't look for comparisons, replacements or fillers. That's so true. I felt emptier sitting around with my date than sitting at home alone. Was comparing him with my ex, of course. Two weeks is way too soon. I have to work on myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 That's so true. I felt emptier sitting around with my date than sitting at home alone. Was comparing him with my ex, of course. Two weeks is way too soon. I have to work on myself. Way, way too soon. Take a few months to focus on you. NC with the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
tim_tom Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Way, way too soon. Take a few months to focus on you. NC with the ex. How do the dumpers do it then? Link to post Share on other sites
tim_tom Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 That's so true. I felt emptier sitting around with my date than sitting at home alone. Was comparing him with my ex, of course. Two weeks is way too soon. I have to work on myself. Same here. I feel worse when going out, and felt terrible when I had a good vibe going with a girl the other night at a bar. It's so weird, and the dumpers, they can just move on no problem Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 How do the dumpers do it then? Having sat on both sides of that table, I will answer that question for you as a dumper. You probably still won't identify, but it is the truth, and it could be you one day. We have very little control over how we feel. There are generally two scenarios: 1) You are so toxic that leaving you is total freedom relief. We never want to think about you again, and probably never will, unless it is with regret. The next person is a breath of fresh air. 2) Someone else sparked our interest before we did the dumping. Just like when we felt an interest in you, there was no particular reason.. they say you don't choose love, love chooses you. It's pretty true. And sometimes what happens is IT (love, infatuation,etc.) chooses us again, even when we're with you. It is the same feeling of hope and excitement and desire we felt with you, except now it is directed at someone else. When that happens, it becomes very important to make things "right" with the current love interest, you. We don't want to cheat. We don't want to lie to you, but we don't want to tell you the whole truth either, because we think that it is unnecessary to hurt you like that. So, we're vague, or we offer some bull**** reason that really doesn't make sense, and doesn't satisfy you, or worse, we tell you half the truth - "I don't feel that way about you any more." That is if we're not a coward, and not a total a$$hat. Also, because everything was fine up until the moment we met the new person, it comes right out of the blue... no warning whatsoever. This makes it worse for you because it is important for you to know why. The dumper doesn't care why his/her feelings have suddenly changed, because new feelings have replaced the old ones. The dumper feels the same... just about somebody else. The dumper can't explain it, because we haven't even thought about it. How do we do it? Our motivations are different... you're clinging, and we are pursuing someone else. We feel totally different, because our heads are in a completely different place already. I've never been the dumper who soon gets dumped, so I don't know about the breadcrumb or rebound variety of dumper. That seems like a pretty insincere and insecure person. But that's how it is. All that history suddenly doesn't mean so much any more. It is a fond memory, but no longer a compelling one. Don't hate us for that. We can't help it. All we can control is how we give you the news. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lauri Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Honestly, what a jerk. How dare he break up with you then get upset that you are on a date with someone new. Unbelievable... I'm sorry you got that email and had to see him. Yes, you aren't ready to date yet, but you have every right to do so. I don't understand dumpers..they spend months preparing to end it with you so they can easy move on, which normally catches us off guard, then when they see you with someone else or you start to move on, they get upset and wonder why you aren't in your room crying and wishing you were still together. Some people are so self centred its not even funny...his reaction makes me mad. Anyways, stay NC and keep working on you. Only a matter of time till you are 100% healed and ready to be spoiled by some awesome guy who'll make you glad your ex ended it with you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 BU a little over two weeks now. I was with him for a year. A great guy, who was very honest with me. He was no longer in love, at the end of the year he had noticed that he could be attracted to other women, and that was a sign that things were not okay. The first week I spent in bed. The second week I went back to work. I still sent some mails to my ex, and then told him we should have no contact. That would be easier for me. He understood. And yesterday I actually had A Date. Not that I was really excited about it, but hey, I have to change my mind and meet new people, no? We were at a restaurant together, I was sort of having fun I guess (not really interested in the guy, but he was nice and interesting). We talked, we laughed. We were sitting outside on the terrace. And guess what? My ex walks by and sees us!!! A little moment of shock yes. He said hello, gave me a kiss, and continued his path. Later I received a text message. That he wished me all the best with my new future love, but that it hurt him. In the night he sent me an email, saying he was crushed to have seen me with somebody else. He was hurt, sad and shocked. To know that other guys were already interested in me. That yes, he had made a choice, but the idea of me with somebody else was unbearable and it made him feel sick. That he was replaced so quickly. I responded... Saying that I was with nobody, that I was still hurting too, but yes, he had made a choice, he doesn't want me, and I can do what I want now... Still, it upsets me and gives me a little of that damn hope B2, I know you like the music, so this one's for you: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 B2, I know you like the music, so this one's for you: Thanks, but how do you know I like music? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Honestly, what a jerk. How dare he break up with you then get upset that you are on a date with someone new. Unbelievable... his reaction makes me mad. Anyways, stay NC and keep working on you. Only a matter of time till you are 100% healed and ready to be spoiled by some awesome guy who'll make you glad your ex ended it with you. Thanks, you're right, he did act like a jerk with his mail... Am at work now, but not very concentrated and reading LS etc.... Feeling a bit low, but it's bearable. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 That's so true. I felt emptier sitting around with my date than sitting at home alone. Was comparing him with my ex, of course. Two weeks is way too soon. I have to work on myself. At least you're being wise and realizing that dating two weeks after a break up isn't a good idea. As a matter of fact, I speculate that you feel guilty that your Ex saw you out on that date. And HE'S the one that dumped you!!! If you were healed up enough properly, that wouldn't have bothered you so much. You would have been able to say to yourself, "Hey, you had me, but you decided you didn't want me. Oh well! Now, if you don't mind, I need to get back with my date." Go back to NC, what's done is done. But, start making positive changes in your life. Spend time making these changes and start getting to know the new you. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 He sounds like a total stalker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Yes, the NC started after I sent him my reply on Sunday afternoon (that I was with nobody, that I was still hurting, but he made his choice, he doesn't want me and I can do what I want to). Still checking my mail to see if he responded to that. He hasn't so far... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 He sounds like a total stalker. He's not the stalking kind, really. He just had an enormous blow to his ego, so it seems. Can't handle the fact I'm "moving on" (well, I'm trying). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thruster Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Bella: the book on men is we are the only one should ever be with If we are bad / wrong / messed up the relationship Still you can't see another -- no one is better than me So that is his issue and all -- move on keep us updated Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Bella: the book on men is we are the only one should ever be with If we are bad / wrong / messed up the relationship Still you can't see another -- no one is better than me So that is his issue and all -- move on keep us updated Thanks for the smile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 To be honest: I will be equally crushed when I will see him with someone else.... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I disagree; that strongly depends on how quickly you permit yourself to move on. If you hang on and refuse to accept the end of things (which gives openings and opportunities for the beginning of others) then you will be choosing to cling to the pain, sadness and distress of the heartbreak. Ask yourself why you would do that, and if it would be healthy. It's all well and good permitting yourself to go through a period of sadness; but don't prolong the agony. Don't willfully KEEP yourself in a perpetual state of gloom. Take a step back; put it into perspective. (I know it's easy for me to say, but) really, reflect on how truly earth-shatteringly disastrous this is for you. How badly, realistically speaking, is this going to set you back in your life? Will your work suffer? Will you lose your job? Will you need tranquilisers and medical support for chronic depression? Do you see this issue causing you severe health problems? See what I mean about perspective? It reminds me of something I heard one young up-and-coming starlet say; she was speaking in awe and admiration about J-Lo... she said she respected her more than anyone in the world, ever.... and the interviewer responded, "What...more than Mother Teresa you mean?" Perspective. Yes, I know this feels bad, right now. But let yourself really appreciate that you're still in one piece, you're holding it together, you'll be fine, and you are loveable. In spadefuls. Kick back, dearest, your heart may feel bruised, but it still beats. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lauri Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 To be honest: I will be equally crushed when I will see him with someone else.... My ex once cornered me at my house bc I was moving on and didn't talk to her. She kept inquiring if I had a girlfriend and if I moved on. I think dumpers can't stand to see their ex happy if they are not. The funny thing is she probably was dating another dude who isn't half as awesome as me . The reason why I'm saying this is that its normal. But honestly, what's the point of being crushed over this selfish man? Every time ive ended it with a girl I always treated them with respect and went NC to help them move on. Sure it hurt them but I never ever like to waste people's time. Screw your ex's ego and stop worrying so much about who he may be with / how you'll feel once he's with someone new. All you can do is control one thing - your own healing process. Spend your time and energy improving yourself and let yourself be with a man, who is a gentleman and not self centred, be apart of your life and help enhance it. Not all is lost...I'm positive you're going to do great. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 OMG NC since my reply to him on Sunday. And just now, just right now, I get an sms (I'm at work): I miss you Bella. WTF!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bella2 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 The roles sure have turned around since he saw me with my date :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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