Mixed emotions...

[lr010593]

I've read countless posts on here that, in some way, relate to my situation. It's nice to feel like you're in good company when dealing with a loss, regardless of it's form. I've shied away from putting my own story into words, but I've seen so much support and unity through this site and know how healing that can be. We are our own worst enemies... different perspectives are often beneficial.

 

I met my (now ex) boyfriend of six months back in January on a dating site that we were mutually on. Within the first few exchanges of words, I felt a sincere connection with this guy - something I've never experienced before. We had our first date a little less than a month later and, thankfully, that connection carried through. It was one of those nights where, regardless of what time it comes to an end, it feels too soon.

 

We had our second date the week after that, where he asked me to be exclusive. There's about an hour and a half between us, plus conflictive work schedules, but we made it work.

 

The first three months were some of the best months of my life. After that, and I take full blame for this, a lot of petty arguments took away from our time together. Looking back, I'm embarrassed that I even felt validated when getting upset. Because his work is so demanding and the days we did see each other were after his shifts, whenever we got back from what we had planned for the evening, he would often fall asleep. My mind jumped to worst case scenarios: Am I that boring? Does this mean he doesn't value the time we have together? etc, etc... how selfish could I have been? I wasn't allowing him to be human.

 

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, we went camping with his family for the weekend. Neither of us slept well the entirety of the trip (lack of respect from the people nearby and a downpour that no one had anticipated) and on top of that, upon returning, he would have a week of 14 hour shifts that involved studying and test taking to look forward to.

 

I helped him unpack once we got back to his place and he immediately went upstairs to take a nap. The weekend had already altered my mood, and I only had 2 hours with him before I had to make the drive back home so, regretfully, I picked. I guess we both had enough of each other at that point because it blew up into something much bigger.

 

Once things settled down a bit, he kissed me and reassured me that everything was okay. We said goodnight and I went home.

 

I received a text (yes, the horrid text message) the next day after he got home from work. I told him, "Not like this" and he responded, "I won't be able to compose myself on the phone..." I called him anyways and, for maybe the second time since I've known him, he was crying.

 

I told him it wasn't fair to do this after the weekend we just had and the week that he has ahead of him. He immediately started to sound unsure of his decision. Unfortunately, I reacted before knowing how I SHOULD HAVE handled myself. I cried, I pleaded, I tried to make him see things differently. However, for the first time, instead of deciding we were pissed off and shutting down, we actually COMMUNICATED. He said he needed some time to think about this and we hung up on pleasant terms.

 

Panic set in the next day and for the rest of the week, I was unable to leave him alone. He responded to every call, every text, and never once acted insensitive. He explained that he wasn't able to fully invest anymore after the arguments started because once he felt comfortable enough to start doing so again, another argument would surface and soon he started expecting it to happen every time we would see each other. He told me how highly he thought of me and how much he cares about me, but he just needed space right now... time to miss me and time to collect his own thoughts, rather than constantly hearing mine.

 

He then sent me this text:

"Stop thinking that I'm basing this off of strictly negative thoughts. I know how wonderful of a person you are. You were so dedicated to me and so willing to go out of your way to make my day better. You were there for me for any problems I had. You took care of me when I was sick from surgery and were understanding of how frustrating that process was. You got to know my mom. You left me notes. You gave me special things to remember you. You paid for things and made sure everything was even. You made sacrifices throughout our relationship. You came wherever I went, no matter the anxiety it caused you. You opened yourself up to me in a way you explained to me you haven't with anyone else. You are funny and genuine and so caring. And you deserve all of the love and caring in the world. I hope nothing but good things come your way forever, because you truly deserve that. I am not sugarcoating these things at all. I'm sorry that this is so hard. I wish I could save you from all the pain. But I haven't been able to provide all of the love and caring you deserve recently because of the way our relationship has gone. So in order for you to get that, this is how it has to be for now."

 

And, after that, I realized how irrational I was being. I swallowed what was left of my pride, apologized for the damage I've caused, and left him with this: "I haven't given up on you, but I know you're unable to say the same and, for that, I know I need to walk away now. Thank you for the memories you've left me with and, as you've said, I hope nothing but good things come your way forever."

 

I applied no contact after that. It's been exactly a week, and he hasn't reached out since.

 

I know that I need this time to heal. I thought it was unfairly forced upon us but now I'm realizing how much we needed this separation... how much I needed this separation. I never would've realized what I was doing wrong if it wasn't for this time apart. I guess I'm just worried that I won't be able to apply what I've learned through this with him... I know what no contact is intended for. I know it's sole purpose is to get you back on your feet and thinking more clearly - to accept what isn't anymore and to move on... but I'd be lying if I said I'm not aching for him to come back.

 

Is this salvageable?

[frigginlost]

Jeez I hate reading stuff like what he wrote. Say all these wonderful things about you right before dropping the hammer.

 

Ugh. Always found that cowardly. But that's just me.

 

Is it salvageable? Only time is going to tell. It's gonna suck, but as a guy, I get the feeling he wants it done. But sometimes us guys react in haste and end up looking at things with a clearer head.

 

Give it a month...