Can someone remind me why it's not good to break NC when they contact you (Updated)

[tim_tom]

Long story short, BU was about 3 weeks ago. 2 weeks NC, and got a text today that just kind of coldy says "Hey, how are you"

 

I know this is likely just a breadcrumb to allay her own guilt, but that little part of me thinks this is her just being her normal prideful self, attempting to open up communication in a way that limits her exposure.

 

I am missing her more every day, and not a minute goes by that I don't think of her and want to be with her. I think I want to believe it's an attempt to reconnect and the urge to explore it is soo hard to handle right now?

 

Am i deluding myself?

 

quick backstory: she broke up with me, still loves me but didn't want the life i could provide (i have kids from a previous marriage, she couldn't handle my past, not that she didn't like the kids just the responsibility of it all)

[PegNosePete]

Because if you reply you will expect her next reply to be "oh honey I have been missing you so much, come to be and make mad passionate love to me like you used to!" - and when it isn't, you'll be hurting right back like you were on day 1.

 

That's why.

 

If she wanted you back, what would she write? What would you write if you were in her position? Would it be "hey how are you?"... I very much doubt it.

[tim_tom]

Because if you reply you will expect her next reply to be "oh honey I have been missing you so much, come to be and make mad passionate love to me like you used to!" - and when it isn't, you'll be hurting right back like you were on day 1.

 

That's why.

 

If she wanted you back, what would she write? What would you write if you were in her position? Would it be "hey how are you?"... I very much doubt it.

 

 

 

Yeah, i doubt it too. But she is prideful and our last meetup resulted in her calling me crying thinking i had moved on easily (i told her I wouldn't take her right back, and I wouldn't). I'm thinking *maybe* she is also protecting herself.. small chance though, probably

[PegNosePete]

Protecting herself from what?

[elseaacych]

The easiest way you can deal with this issue is just by not responding. You can't tell what she wants. If it's something important, she will make more of an effort to get ahold of you.

 

Meanwhile, you protect yourself by keeping her at arms length. Speaking of: why have you not blocked her?

[tim_tom]

The easiest way you can deal with this issue is just by not responding. You can't tell what she wants. If it's something important, she will make more of an effort to get ahold of you.

 

Meanwhile, you protect yourself by keeping her at arms length. Speaking of: why have you not blocked her?

 

I wanted to, but she still has stuff at my house which I can't easily box up and mail back (furniture).

 

I definitely know why I should've all this breadcrumb did was set me back

[tim_tom]

Protecting herself from what?

 

 

Ha.. I dunno, she was crying about losing me last we spoke. This isn't easy for her I don't think.

 

Maybe I sound delusional, but I am glad to be getting a swift reality kick to the head.

 

Thank you

[h20-50]

Man this hits close to home!

 

Me and my ex had the exact same BU. SHE HAD 2 kids,ex husband, lived in a different state. All of that hit me after our third BU (all BU were because of the kids, ex, move, start a new career for her). It was a lot to handle and process. She wanted me back after the 3rd BU and I couldn't because my head wasn't there even though my heart was.

 

4-5 months went by, we weren't together but talked and texted the I love you's; I miss you's. One day I was just laying there and realized she was the one and what an idiot I was to go LC because my head wasn't there. It was clear all of a sudden. I instantly texted her, bought a plane ticket and flew out there to prove to her that I was so sorry, I was wrong and let her know exactly what I wanted from her and the kids and there wasn't a spread of doubt in my mind that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to prove this to her.

 

Point being if she wants you and your life she WILL jump through hoops to let you know EXACTLY what she wants from you. She will tell you, text you, PROVE it to you that she screwed up and will do anything to SHOW you that.

 

Until that day comes stay NC. If that what her heart desires she WILL let you know. No breadcrumbs, no mixed signals just straight forward honesty. Stay strong, it may or may not happen but if it does SHE WILL let you know.

[mightycpa]

I'll remind you why:

 

"what did she mean by that?"

"does she want to get back together?"

"seeing her set me back to the beginning again"

"I sent her a text, and she hasn't responded"

"after we made out, she's seeing another guy! WTF?"

"why did she say that stuff, and then change her mind?"

etc.

etc.

etc.

[tim_tom]

Man this hits close to home!

 

Me and my ex had the exact same BU. SHE HAD 2 kids,ex husband, lived in a different state. All of that hit me after our third BU (all BU were because of the kids, ex, move, start a new career for her). It was a lot to handle and process. She wanted me back after the 3rd BU and I couldn't because my head wasn't there even though my heart was.

 

4-5 months went by, we weren't together but talked and texted the I love you's; I miss you's. One day I was just laying there and realized she was the one and what an idiot I was to go LC because my head wasn't there. It was clear all of a sudden. I instantly texted her, bought a plane ticket and flew out there to prove to her that I was so sorry, I was wrong and let her know exactly what I wanted from her and the kids and there wasn't a spread of doubt in my mind that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to prove this to her.

 

Point being if she wants you and your life she WILL jump through hoops to let you know EXACTLY what she wants from you. She will tell you, text you, PROVE it to you that she screwed up and will do anything to SHOW you that.

 

Until that day comes stay NC. If that what her heart desires she WILL let you know. No breadcrumbs, no mixed signals just straight forward honesty. Stay strong, it may or may not happen but if it does SHE WILL let you know.

 

Great story. Thank you so much for sharing, it really helps to hear the lengths you went once you figured it out. Maybe she never will come to that conclusion as you said, but anything else is just a meaningless breadcrumb.

 

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond

[H245]

As you already experienced, the breadcrumbs set you back. As others have said on this thread, if she really cared and wanted you back, she would move heaven and earth to make it known. She could potentially be lonely and is reaching out to what she knows and is comfortable with. Trust me, that won't last long. I was in your position and I was set back terribly. Now, while I do still think of my ex, I no longer lose sleep over her.

[tim_tom]

I'll remind you why:

 

"what did she mean by that?"

"does she want to get back together?"

"seeing her set me back to the beginning again"

"I sent her a text, and she hasn't responded"

"after we made out, she's seeing another guy! WTF?"

"why did she say that stuff, and then change her mind?"

etc.

etc.

etc.

 

 

Thank you!!! !!

 

I think i knew that but was feeling weak and trying to rationalize a reason to text her back. I honestly don't want to know she's with another guy, it would be too much to bear.

[tim_tom]

As you already experienced, the breadcrumbs set you back. As others have said on this thread, if she really cared and wanted you back, she would move heaven and earth to make it known. She could potentially be lonely and is reaching out to what she knows and is comfortable with. Trust me, that won't last long. I was in your position and I was set back terribly. Now, while I do still think of my ex, I no longer lose sleep over her.

 

How long post BU are you? This is so hard, one moment I am feeling almost ok, the next absolutely distraught. It's frightening how unstable i feel.

 

And yea, the breadcrumb sucked. I am dreading having to see her to get her stuff, maybe i will tell her just to hire a moving company as I don't want to see her.

[H245]

3 1/2 months post BU here. She left me and rebounded into another relationship a month later. She left him a week ago because apparently he was an *********. Seen her on the same online dating site I am using which make it humorous that she cannot be alone.

 

I digress. I was in your situation when she first left me. I felt like I was so emotionally unstable and was taking xanax and ambien to help me get through the days. It doesn't help that for a while I was seeing her every week at my local trivia spot and that she tries to continue to be friends with my friends. We act as the other one does not exist.

 

I won't lie that I still feel a lot of anger towards her, but I have also been working on myself day to day. That involves seeing friends, going to the gym, learning to be alone again. I picked up a new activity in kayaking which is really fun. Since then, I try to put away the anger and feel more pity towards her because she hasn't learned anything.

 

This was all really hard for me at first. I was borderline depressed. I slept in till 3 or 4pm avoiding the day and drinking at night either on my own for with friends. In time, I guess something started to click. I don't know what it was, but the pain and sorrow gave way to anger and now pity (not for myself, but for her).

 

As others have said on this site: don't be someone's priority when you are just an option to them (or something along those lines). It's going to suck for a while and it might get worse before it gets better. But you will come out of it a better person. If you want, feel free to read my own stories I posted here in the past.

[tim_tom]

3 1/2 months post BU here. She left me and rebounded into another relationship a month later. She left him a week ago because apparently he was an *********. Seen her on the same online dating site I am using which make it humorous that she cannot be alone.

 

I digress. I was in your situation when she first left me. I felt like I was so emotionally unstable and was taking xanax and ambien to help me get through the days. It doesn't help that for a while I was seeing her every week at my local trivia spot and that she tries to continue to be friends with my friends. We act as the other one does not exist.

 

I won't lie that I still feel a lot of anger towards her, but I have also been working on myself day to day. That involves seeing friends, going to the gym, learning to be alone again. I picked up a new activity in kayaking which is really fun. Since then, I try to put away the anger and feel more pity towards her because she hasn't learned anything.

 

This was all really hard for me at first. I was borderline depressed. I slept in till 3 or 4pm avoiding the day and drinking at night either on my own for with friends. In time, I guess something started to click. I don't know what it was, but the pain and sorrow gave way to anger and now pity (not for myself, but for her).

 

As others have said on this site: don't be someone's priority when you are just an option to them (or something along those lines). It's going to suck for a while and it might get worse before it gets better. But you will come out of it a better person. If you want, feel free to read my own stories I posted here in the past.

 

 

Thank you for the backstory. I've read all the advice about forcing yourself to go out, and I've tried. Even clicked a bit with girl the other night, but everytime I go out I feel worse. We did everything together for the last 18 months. Going out just makes her absence more noticeable, not to mention seeing all the (seemingly) happy couples is a downer.

 

I've been thinking about Xanax or something to level me out. Do you think that helped or hurt? I'd rather be constant slightly depressed then this up and down I have now. I've quit drinking completely for the time being, I think that is helping but I'd just like to know how I am going to feel on a given day. When i was talking to this girl, the first hour or so felt good, then i felt horrible, then good again on my drive home, then miserably when I was home. Never experienced being so emotionally out of control

[Strength in Healing]

2 ways to approach:

 

1). Bite the crumb, and if she was indeed just leaving a crumb, you learned your lesson. You will have closure for future NC.

 

2). Tell her outright "Look, I love you. I want us to be together. But I can't do the friends / small chat thing. When the day comes you want to be back together, go ahead and contact me. Talk to you then."

 

 

In the case of 2, if she wants you, you'll know. If not, at least you came off strong by not biting at her crumbs like you haven't eaten in a week -- you lay the guidelines, and look in control.

[tim_tom]

2 ways to approach:

 

1). Bite the crumb, and if she was indeed just leaving a crumb, you learned your lesson. You will have closure for future NC.

 

2). Tell her outright "Look, I love you. I want us to be together. But I can't do the friends / small chat thing. When the day comes you want to be back together, go ahead and contact me. Talk to you then."

 

 

In the case of 2, if she wants you, you'll know. If not, at least you came off strong by not biting at her crumbs like you haven't eaten in a week -- you lay the guidelines, and look in control.

 

Thinking about #2, I had considered something similar and have seen that recommended, but it seems like she would take that like I was being a jerk (for refusing to chat with her), in addition, she will think I am waiting around for her which looks desperate. Seems like a lose / lose. I dunno

 

And thank you for taking the time to respond and advise. It's hard to talk to married friends/family about these things as they don't get it.

[H245]

Thank you for the backstory. I've read all the advice about forcing yourself to go out, and I've tried. Even clicked a bit with girl the other night, but everytime I go out I feel worse. We did everything together for the last 18 months. Going out just makes her absence more noticeable, not to mention seeing all the (seemingly) happy couples is a downer.

 

I've been thinking about Xanax or something to level me out. Do you think that helped or hurt? I'd rather be constant slightly depressed then this up and down I have now. I've quit drinking completely for the time being, I think that is helping but I'd just like to know how I am going to feel on a given day. When i was talking to this girl, the first hour or so felt good, then i felt horrible, then good again on my drive home, then miserably when I was home. Never experienced being so emotionally out of control

 

The out of control feelings is because you aren't over her. Don't try to run away from it and allow yourself to grieve. It's all still fresh for you. I cried at random times of the day/night and felt those same emotions. One night I'd be fine and the next I would be a complete mess. Quitting drinking for now is a good idea as it can get you into trouble that's not necessary.

 

Regarding xanax, I have seen mixed views on here. Talk to your doctor to see if you really need it. Just know that what you are going through is normal. We have all been there and as I talk about it now, I remind myself of when I went through it not too long ago. Just keep coming back here to vent and for support. The community here is amazing.

[tim_tom]

The out of control feelings is because you aren't over her. Don't try to run away from it and allow yourself to grieve. It's all still fresh for you. I cried at random times of the day/night and felt those same emotions. One night I'd be fine and the next I would be a complete mess. Quitting drinking for now is a good idea as it can get you into trouble that's not necessary.

 

Regarding xanax, I have seen mixed views on here. Talk to your doctor to see if you really need it. Just know that what you are going through is normal. We have all been there and as I talk about it now, I remind myself of when I went through it not too long ago. Just keep coming back here to vent and for support. The community here is amazing.

 

 

Yeah, the really are. Reading responses and posts has helped so much. It's atleast grounded me and allowed me to process this logically rather then 100% emotionally

[Lostdreams]

Don't know if this will help but try and focus on your kids - this lady was obviously part of their lives as well. It's not good to get them too confused neither with her nor another girl.

 

Live your life as a Daddy right now - do things with them that maybe you couldn't do when she was around and live new joys with and through them

 

I think it's great that you cut back the drinking and you should keep that up...... I know it hurts but hang in there.

 

From experience I know it's really hard to have a partner when you already have kids and they don't ..... sometimes you feel you can't please anybody and least of all yourself.

 

Chin up

[tim_tom]

Don't know if this will help but try and focus on your kids - this lady was obviously part of their lives as well. It's not good to get them too confused neither with her nor another girl.

 

Live your life as a Daddy right now - do things with them that maybe you couldn't do when she was around and live new joys with and through them

 

I think it's great that you cut back the drinking and you should keep that up...... I know it hurts but hang in there.

 

From experience I know it's really hard to have a partner when you already have kids and they don't ..... sometimes you feel you can't please anybody and least of all yourself.

 

Chin up

 

First off thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

The kids are feeling it too, they loved her and she just vanished without warning, We never really fought and always got along great around kids. She didn't even ask to say goodbye (altough i think she sensed that it would be harder on kids). We were looking at engagement rings a week before the BU, and told the kids we'd be getting married.

 

They are crying and acting out a bunch more, usually targeting/resisting me. Which only adds to my misery, feel like a crappy parent on top of the BU and have a hard time managing their outbursts. (They're mother was MIA most of their toddler years, and my GF was the most maternal figure they've had in their life)

 

In retrospect, I was a bad parent for allowing this to happen. And i know it was a lot on her, I was supporting her financially so I hoped it was more reciprocal. The bond me and this girl had seemed so strong, we both felt early on that we'd be together forever. I've never felt like this about anyone and her the same (she said), seems so foolish now.. but I've never experienced this kind of love and didn't know how fleeting it was. sigh

 

Thanks again for the kind response. These posts do help a ton.

Edited September 4, 2014 by tim_tom

[tim_tom]

Update: just got text that she'll be in my area and wants to know if I want to get lunch

 

what to do now??

Edited September 4, 2014 by tim_tom

[h20-50]

Update: just got text that she'll be in my area and wants to know if I want to get lunch

 

what to do now??

 

Why would you want to grab lunch? She ended it right, to me that sounds like she decided to exit you life, what's left to talk about after that??

[tim_tom]

Why would you want to grab lunch? She ended it right, to me that sounds like she decided to exit you life, what's left to talk about after that??

 

 

That is what I am wondering. Should i politely decline or just not answer?

[Simon Phoenix]

That is what I am wondering. Should i politely decline or just not answer?

 

Don't answer.