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Absolutely must go NC or this will kill me.


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Maybe my headline was a little dramatic. But that is how I feel. Like dealing with this person and the breakup and all of the hurt is sucking the life out of me. I am not suicidal, but I am living an emotional hell, and the only comfort I can find is being home, alone reading self help books and drinking too much wine. This is not me... I like to be out and about, with friends, going to dinner and movies and out etc. None of those things hold an appeal to me right now.

 

I made what I now know was a horrible mistake in becoming involved with a long-time friend, and roommate, a little under a year and a half ago. I have pretty much been hurt and confused and lonely and crushed since the beginning. We fooled around a couple times a week and began talking/texting every day, mostly initiated by him. Early on he told me he had "no romantic feelings for me" completely out of the blue one day. I was so hurt because I thought we'd been having fun and really connecting. I should've stopped then and there, but he only cut contact for a few days and things started up again. For a few months this was a terrible cycle of us getting close and then him declaring, mostly out of nowhere, that he had "no feelings for me", but always coming back and wanting my attention again. What kind of person keeps going back to someone who says this to them? Me, I guess. I'm so ashamed of having done this for so long, but our emotional and sexual connection was so strong that I did.

 

Eventually he stopped claiming not to have feelings for me but still continued with emotional abuse, essentially, just in different ways. For example, being mean or short or dismissive with me and then calling me "crazy" when I got upset. One time after he did something I got very upset and told him to stop treating me this way which led to him calling me "psychotic"- to be clear, I feel I was appropriately reacting to the terrible way he was treating me. Why was I involved at all? I think I didn't realize to what extent I was being used. The sex was great, but he was also almost codependent at times... wanting to talk all day every day via text etc. And then he'd back WAY off and act like something was wrong with me for wanting to know why.

 

I was his housemate, along with 3 others, during this time. Well, he'd leave his journal around the house and once I read it... I was destroyed by what I wrote. He referred to me as "not great to look at from the waist up" "far from gorgeous" and "crazy" - called me crazy many times- and again something about "no feelings" for me. Now just to be clear, I may not be a "10" but I'm an attractive girl who has never had a problem with men being interested in me and have always been made to feel pretty and desirable by past boyfriends. I was absolutely floored with the way he talked about me in his journal. One, because, why was he so intimately emotionally and sexually involved with someone he wasn't attracted to? Two, because we were good friends and really connected... I couldn't believe how shallow he sounded. We had spent hours talking online and in person and he could write he felt nothing for me? It would make more sense if it were only sex, but it really was not. I could not believe this was him. I saw other negative things about himself and others in the journal. I know it was wrong, but it really shed a new light on who he really was.

 

I told him I read it, told him how much what he said hurt me and he apologized profusely and said it was not true, that he uses his journal to

"convince" himself of things. He treated me better for awhile after that but continued the same old games after awhile.

 

I started seeing someone else, just casual dating, and he didn't like it. But it was clear he was never going to commit to me. He also would not let me go though and I would not break free of him. So things continued, until he met someone else, and completely lied and withheld it from me. I was always 100% honest about the person I was seeing and why. Anyway, I ended up sleeping with him while he was seeing this girl and was DEVASTATED when I found out. We had a big fight and it led to him screaming in my face, pushing me a little, saying things like he didn't give a **** about me.... and remember we had been friends for 10 years and sleeping together for 10 months. He cut me off completely for this girl as if I hadn't been his best friend and closest confidant for months. (This isn't a person with many friends). AND i had to live in the same house with him knowing he was out with her. It was a living hell. She ended up dumping him which I enjoyed.

 

So, he was an ******* to me for the next few months and then right when I'm feeling better he texts me that he misses me. I totally ****ing fell for it. We spent a great couple of weeks together that led to him saying "yeah this is probably over," and claiming once again he had no romantic feelings for me out of the blue. After spending lots of really great uncomplicated time together. It was awful. He continued trying to talk to me but I ignored all of his messages for awhile which drove him nuts. Of course, he did his normal apology routine and I let him hang around as a "friend" and he wanted me again and was jealous of someone else in my life. We started seeing each other again, I stopped seeing the other person, we had another great few weeks.... until one day he wanted to hang out and I was busy. He bothered me all day about it and I said no, (bc I wanted to do things slow, in a healthy way). Long story short he then starts bringing up other girls and seemingly purposely trying to make me jealous and then mentions that this girl is coming to his place to "watch a movie" later. I was again, crushed. We'd spent so much good time together and I did know this girl was around, but I thought as a friend. He called me a hypocrite because I'd been seeing someone else, but he knows I stopped when we started up again.

 

I told him not to contact me about 2.5 weeks ago, and since then he has once and now I have twice. The second time was a message of no consequence and he responded with a message equally of no consequence. But I have noticed that when we have contact, things get harder for me. They feel worse and I miss him more. I am often desperate, desperate to talk to him and to have him text me all day again like he used to. But I will not compete with this other girl and more importantly, if I don't break my attachment to him, I am seriously worried about my mental health. I'm 29, I have a masters degree and decent job, I've had 3 healthy long term relationships, I'm confident in the way I look, I have many friends, etc etc and I feel like garbage about myself. This situation and 'relationship' has eaten away at my security. Now without him around, I feel like I'm missing a piece of me. I understand that sounds insane considering how AWFUL he has treated me, but I was deeply attached to this person. His profuse apologies and codependent behavior and knowledge that he's "messed up" made me forgive him over and over.

 

He does NOT love me, he was only using me, he's no friend to me, and even if he is sad I'm out of his life, contact with him will ONLY hurt me. I've blocked him on facebook but texting is still an issue. I really need support here because I slipped up 2 days ago and since then have been spiraling even further down into a pit of depression.

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Do not give this fool the time of day! The fact he initiated most of the time shows exactly what he was up to. He was taking advantage of you and that says all you need to know about him, block all contact, if he text you, ignore it and delete it!

Of course he will be pissed if you go with someone else, he thought that he was the leader and he was calling all the shots, but the moment that someone makes a fool out of him (rightfully so) he throws a tantrum.

The fact his actions contradicted his words shows that he himself don't know what he is doing. Why would my ex girlfriend say that she wants everything with me from marriage to children and then breakup with me AND then the cherry on the cake say that for us to have a future together she must go with the guy she has a crush on... Steer very clear of people like that!

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So many F ed people, damaged people out there...stay clear. Listen to them, what they say when you meet them. Listen to those red flags. And walk away. Right away! Trust your instincts.

 

I am suffering because I did not do that. I was reeled in by a manipulator, a narcissist, who still in love with his ex wife. He convinced me, that "OK" bc of HIM, his hurt, what others did to HIM. All the excuses in the book...

 

God, how we get mesmerized by charm, sexual chemistry - all that SHALLOW stuff, the honeymoon phase.

 

And in time, we realize this person only loves themselves, only has their self interest at heart. All the while we sit by and get hurt, give give give. wtf.

 

Live and learn... Never again...

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Thank you. I need to hear all of this. I contacted him (I think the same day I posted this ugh) about money he owes me- to give the check to his roommate who will get it to me. I was really formal but then he said something about reading a book by an author I like, and instead of ignoring it I engaged in some very minor conversation. Even though I kept it light I wish we hadn't spoken. I felt better at first of course- but then worse. The realization that even if he does try to make contact with me again, he will never change.

 

:(

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First of all, the first paragraph of your post is what hit me. I'm right there with you.

 

Secondly, I have done the same things as you have - with my ex too. My ex never tells me he doesn't have feelings for me ... but he is in a RS with someone else.

 

I too, am 29 and feel like I have to completely stop communicating with my ex who has hurt me like no other and most of those wounds will probably never heal...but like you, I know I have to break the cycle. I don't even feel like I love him anymore. I'm just going through a bout of loneliness and he and I used to be extremely close (best friends) and he was the last guy I was seriously involved with, SO naturally I remember him and think of him first anytime I feel lonely.

 

But I really am over it. I swear I want better.

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Please cut off all ties, NC. I know it's so damn hard. But there is NO other answer, if you really think about it.

 

I tried LC with my ex, tried to be "friends" after the break up. Nope...it just can't work, when one person has hurt the other by breaking up with them. Too much hurt, anger, etc. Maybe a LONG time down the road, after NO contact and the romantic feelings are gone, you feel apathetic about a person...then a friendship may work... Every time we had contact, I would be so anxious, stressed, upset, worried, wondering, for days! rrrggg! Not fun and what a waste! And not good for my health! Letting another person make me feel this way! That's not a friendship! A friendship or healthy relationship should make you feel HAPPY!

 

Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right or happy, it is not. Let it go! So you can heal and get happy, healthy again! Without this poison in your life, affecting you... Get rid of it.

 

If he screamed at you, pushed you...That is all I needed to read = GOODBYE and good riddance. That is not loving actions. Yes, we all get mad and angry and may even raise our voices, or say things we regret. But when we call names or get physical, that is abuse and no one should tolerate that.

 

No respect = No love. Done. Over. Say Goodbye to him. Take control and take back your power. For YOU.

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Ugh, sounds like he is keeping you around, reeling you back in when he gets lonely or can't find someone else. He's using you.

 

go NC and move on, imo

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He texted me yesterday. Just something stupid, a 'breadcrumb.' I didn't respond but want to badly. :( He is seeing someone else- wish he'd just leave me alone.

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He texted me yesterday. Just something stupid, a 'breadcrumb.' I didn't respond but want to badly. :( He is seeing someone else- wish he'd just leave me alone.

 

Like you said, just another breadcrumb. I know it's hard but be my hero and don't respond. I mean, if you weren't so hurt over him then it wouldn't be so bad to respond as long as it was pc. But the fact that you're still hurt and you still love him means you have to challenge yourself and see how long you can go without responding. Just keep reminding yourself that he's with someone else. If he wanted to be with you, he would be sweetie. /=

 

It'll get easier. Day by day, brick by brick...

 

HUGS!

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He texted me yesterday. Just something stupid, a 'breadcrumb.' I didn't respond but want to badly. :( He is seeing someone else- wish he'd just leave me alone.

 

I was cringing reading all of that. It's very sad when a woman will almost accept anything just to make a man accept and validate her.

 

After all that you're wishing he would leave you alone -- when infact YOU should be the one doing everything in your power to remove yourself and stay away from this man. He won't leave you alone because you're an object that can be used and when you have made yourself available to him, he will always revisit to see if you can fulfill a need. The onus is on YOU to sever contact, not on him.

 

Block him on text messaging. Preserving the last bits of your self-esteem and dignity is of the utmost priority versus anything else, even the money he owes you.

 

I don't think he was being co-dependent when he kept reaching out to you. That was just him tactically finding ways to use you. You on the other hand, are co-dependent and definitely in true need of enforcing boundaries that protect you, eventhough it hurts and it is painful.

Edited by Zahara
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I was cringing reading all of that. It's very sad when a woman will almost accept anything just to make a man accept and validate her.

 

After all that you're wishing he would leave you alone -- when infact YOU should be the one doing everything in your power to remove yourself and stay away from this man. He won't leave you alone because you're an object that can be used and when you have made yourself available to him, he will always revisit to see if you can fulfill a need. The onus is on YOU to sever contact, not on him.

 

Block him on text messaging. Preserving the last bits of your self-esteem and dignity is of the utmost priority versus anything else, even the money he owes you.

 

I don't think he was being co-dependent when he kept reaching out to you. That was just him tactically finding ways to use you. You on the other hand, are co-dependent and definitely in true need of enforcing boundaries that protect you, eventhough it hurts and it is painful.

 

I wish you'd refrained from referring to me as "sad"; I'm here and in therapy etc because I'm trying to get better. Just from one woman to another, I think that was unnecessary.

 

He absolutely is a codependent type- before the first 'breakup' he contacted me all day every day. He did the second time around, too, but a little less. But that doesn't mean he loved me or even wanted me or coud ever treat me right. He's just so insecure he needed constant attention. But I am also insecure enough that I misunderstood his dependent tendencies to mean he felt strongly for mr when really he was just using me to fulfill his needs while he looked for something "better".

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I wish you'd refrained from referring to me as "sad"; I'm here and in therapy etc because I'm trying to get better. Just from one woman to another, I think that was unnecessary.

 

He absolutely is a codependent type- before the first 'breakup' he contacted me all day every day. He did the second time around, too, but a little less. But that doesn't mean he loved me or even wanted me or coud ever treat me right. He's just so insecure he needed constant attention. But I am also insecure enough that I misunderstood his dependent tendencies to mean he felt strongly for mr when really he was just using me to fulfill his needs while he looked for something "better".

 

Only you really know your situation. Not anyone else. Keep that in mind. (= So who cares what people are going to say or think?

My ex and I were codependent on one another. Very much so. The same may not be true for you and your ex, however.

I was given a lot of tough love on here when I first joined and shared my issues in my last RS. I fully expected people to go "OMG! You idiot!" and in so many words, they did. BUT...I opened the door for judgment. /=

If you went back and read my first threads, you would think poorly of me, I'm sure. I put up and fell for a lot of BS with my ex. More than most.

Just know that no one is really against you at all. Some can be inexcusably rude and post things completely uncalled for, that's true, but I really don't think Zahara meant any real harm.

 

I just hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Edited by me85
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I wish you'd refrained from referring to me as "sad"; I'm here and in therapy etc because I'm trying to get better. Just from one woman to another, I think that was unnecessary.

 

He absolutely is a codependent type- before the first 'breakup' he contacted me all day every day. He did the second time around, too, but a little less. But that doesn't mean he loved me or even wanted me or coud ever treat me right. He's just so insecure he needed constant attention. But I am also insecure enough that I misunderstood his dependent tendencies to mean he felt strongly for mr when really he was just using me to fulfill his needs while he looked for something "better".

 

I didn't refer to you as being a "sad" person, and even so, "sad" was in no way a negative depiction of you but "sad" as it being unfortunate that we as women often put ourselves and stay in situations that are damaging and demeaning to our value and sense of self. That wasn't an attack on who you are as a person. I apologize if I hurt your feelings and offended you.

 

He sounds more narcissistic than co-dependent. And narcissistic men often times latch on when someone is of a benefit to them because deep down they are insecure and in constant need of validation.

 

But all that doesn't matter. It is time to focus on why you accepted to be treated that way and hopefully with the help of therapy, and most importantly -- you severing your ties with him, you will be able to get to the other side.

 

Good luck to you and I wish you well. Stay strong.

Edited by Zahara
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I totally understand, as I just got out of similar situation almost three months ago. I feel like I am reading a description of the man I spent 10 months with.

 

After being away from him for three months, I now see what kind of person he really was. He was SO much like your ex. He def had narcissistic characteristics and part of that is codependency for sure! And huge ego, this manipulation that was so subtle I couldn't see it, but now I do! WOW. Huge eye opener.

 

I am so sorry you are going thru this. But all I can say is do what I did - take the control back, AWAY FROM HIM. It is yours now. Tell yourself YOU are in control. Block him in every way. Take back your self respect and self love. Take care of YOU. Who was he taking care of in the relationship? Whose needs were more important? HIS. So screw him. Not to be mean...but yes, sometimes we need to get tough! Take matters into our own hands. ENOUGH.

 

I am forgiving myself now for being dragged into his codependent world, his drama. That is not who I am. But his charm, wooing, money, attention, yes, calling every day, texting thru out the day (which I tried to back off of, but yes, admit got caught up in the attention; my own issues, vulnerability at the time!), I love you at the end of every conversation, blah blah blah.

 

He does NOT deserve you. These men use us, then figure out, "oops" wasn't ready or "can't love you the way you want me to". or what ever excuse, crap they want to come up with to defend their awful behavior, choices.

 

They are not capable of healthy love, for their own reasons. They are not evil people, just VERY DAMAGED. Sorry, but who wants a "project" for a relationship? Not me. Who wants to be unhappy more than unhappy in a relationship? Not me. I'm happier alone and with my girlfriends, thank you. When people treat you with respect, you know it. Did he? Mine didn't.

 

So SEE YA. No respect = No love IMO. And if someone breaks up with you, that is ending the romantic relationship and the friendship. They are kind of tied together. So the whole thing is OVER. Someone doesn't want to be with us, fine. Their loss. And they have to live with the consequences.

 

So give him what he asked for...you not in his life. Done. No looking back. What is the point? It ended for a reason, right? And have those reasons changed, improved? Has he? There is your answer...

 

Hope you feel better...

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After trying on-and-off to break text contact, today is officially "Day 1" for me. The longest I've gone so far is 4 days so I'm hoping to feel even a little better when I reach 5 days.

I'm not considering texting my ex ever again (and after something that happened recently, I'm fairly certain he's officially done texting and bothering me). It's just that I'm so sick of being miserable (even though I am a little better since the initial breakup 3 weeks ago and I haven't seen him since), and I worry that even after 30 days of No Contact I'll still feel really bad.

 

Did you feel better after you finally stuck to no contact?

Edited by lissvarna
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It varies and there is no absolute. NC actually gets worse before it gets better for many reasons. The process of grieving and healing takes awhile. Your emotions are going to hit lows and highs. It's a different process for everyone.

 

30 days of NC will get you to a place where the pain of being in no contact will be far more tolerable than the pain of being in contact. Personally, at one point I was so afraid of contact. I felt much more at ease when I was far into my NC. I felt safe, eventhough in pain. So, there is no guarantee that you won't feel miserable but the guarantee is that you will at some point gain your emotional freedom.

 

Don't keep count. Just take one day at a time.

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It's a bit like giving up smoking. If you manage 30 days then you're 80% more likely to quit for good.

 

Go for it, you can do it!

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I'm on day 48 of not contacting my ex now. When we broke up, I thought the pain was going to kill me. I was so in love, and the break-up was really sudden. I didn't know how I was going to get through it.

 

Now, I actually feel great most of the time. Sure, the first weeks were hard, and I do still miss him. But I'm not miserable. I'm not a mess. And trust me, I am normally really emotional and have suffered from serious depression in the past. I'm very shocked that I am this "over it" less than two months after the break-up, and I owe it all to NC. I'm 100% sure I'd still be a wreck if we were in touch.

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Strength in Healing

Sometimes it can take years, but what you have to understand, is each day in misery promotes strength. Welcome the pain, don't try to run from it. He did you a favor that you will only fully understand in the future.

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Yes you will! I have done this before and am on day 4 with current ex. Biggest thing is the first couple weeks are always hard because you are "used" to them to call, be there for you etc. But after that it gets easier.. You got this!! Best thing is just to come here and post your thoughts we are all in this together to help each other

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FailedFirstLove

Not always. Everyone is different. I'm over two months and I'm not better. Actually got worse. But you can know and hope that one day you WILL be better.

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I've been no contact since the end of June , she's tried to contact me. Get a phone blocker app on yr phone ppl

I feel OK , I hate that she lied to me and will never forgive that. But hey. I've had a few dates it helped

Just be all you can be ..for your self

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Thanks everyone SO much for your kind words.

 

I am super anxious today. Just feel like it ended yesterday and not three weeks ago. I did something stupid that has made this all harder for me- Sat., when drinking, I reached out to his exgf (who I have known for years and years long before he and I were anything), and just said I wanted to talk to her about something. I did this because I saw an old friend who said she remembered stories of him treating his ex in some similar ways and I wanted SUPPORT so badly... to feel like I'm not the only one who he's treated terribly. Well I was vague in my message then never responded when she asked me what was up.... I think she was worried about me, and so she asked him if he knew what might be going on. He told her not to talk to me (according to her) but then told her about our "relationship"- not that it ever was one. Anyway, she was really sweet/didn't seem weirded out (but again, I know her very well).... but I just told her I'm sorry and that it wasn't right to message her or try to bring her into it. So I never actually said anything, but he knows I was going to.

So on Tues I messaged him and explained how I had seen the old friend and WHY I sent that message to her. I assumed he'd reply calling me names and flipping out etc., but he didn't- at least I don't think so, I blocked him after he sent a couple of messages in response.

 

Anyway I know this was a huge mistake- don't need to be told- but my anxiety about it is through the roof. I just feel like I humiliated myself again and am paranoid about other mutual friends finding out I tried to talk to the ex, etc., and him telling everyone I'm nuts and blah blah.

 

The other terrible part of this is for some reason, this idiot got a job working with my best friend at a community center, as a daycare worker- and also where I go to the gym. So I'll have to start being worried about seeing him there and it SUCKS b/c it'll make NC so hard. This guy took a huge paycut for this job and I feel like I'll never escape him.

However, he wasn't on the schedule according to my friend, which could be for a lot of reasons but I'm 100% convinced it's because I messaged his ex (so he withdrew his job acceptance to avoid my best friend/me)... and that he just thinks I'm ****ing psychotic and will tell everyone and hate me forever. Do I sound like i'm losing it here? because I kind of am. It doesn't matter WHAT he thinks of me, and I shouldn't want him to work at my gym, but none of this helps my insane anxiety right now. After my friend gets out of work at least she'll be able to update me on what is going on with his job there.

 

Ugh. I just want to fast forward 6 months into the future and be done with this whole nightmare.

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this guy is TOXIC as SH*T for you!!!!!!!!

 

what a loser. i'm sorry, but you sound so nice, and do not deserve this poor excuse of a "man".

 

i would really consider MOVING out and blocking him forever - delete off social media, delete off your phone, tell your friends to not give him any details about you.

 

he has dependency issues for sure and has dragged you through his hell. run away and deal with getting over him on your own. you will look back and regret you ever gave this douche bag the time of the day.

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