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Didn't see that one coming...


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Old 6th October 2004, 6:11 PM   #1
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Didn't see that one coming...

Hi, so this is probably going to sound familiar as I imagine some of you have been there before. Hopefully on both sides, because frankly I'm a little bit confused about what just happened.

Intro, met 'this girl' took her out a few times, and basically was falling for her early. She is very into it, sends me emails, letters, buys me presents, the whole thing. Went away for weekends together with just the two of us, we WERE moving along pretty fast. Now, at this point I should mention that I was only 4 months out of a 4 year relationship when things started up, but I felt pretty over everything. I definitely wasn't conciously using her as a rebound, but I could see the argument being made, and subconciously my comfort zone might still be to have a girlfriend.

Anyway, fast forward 4 months and I come down with a cold on Friday night, stay home -- she comes over to 'take care of me', brings me a DVD, all good, exactly what you'd expect out of your doting girlfriend. Saturday night, I had other stuff going on but told her I'd meet her later on at a friend's place, showed up and hung out for awhile, then go back to her place, sex and then somehow or other I get asked 'what I want' out of the relationship. I reply that I'm happy with everything I want to keep going, seems like we could have something and let's see where it takes us. She then asks if I think we're in love, and answers herself before I can, saying we're not. What are we then? 'I don't know, but it's not love'. Needless to say the rest of the night is a bit awkward and she ends it the next day saying that she doesn't know why but she just can't commit to me as much as I want right now, still has a crush on me, blah blah blah. There was other stuff going on, like she lost her job and had to move back home until she found something new, so that might have put pressure on but might not be relevant at all -- just trying to set the stage for you guys.

That's it, we're done, I'm not expecting her back. Now, I've used the 'I'm just not in the mindset to be seeing someone right now' excuse before, and it's more a 'I'm just not that interested in seeing YOU right now' thing, but that has always been with girls I was attracted to physically but for whatever reason just didn't feel that connection to want to be in relationships with them. And that's after like a week at the most -- you make your mind up pretty quickly abou these things -- is it somehow different for women -- just seems really odd to me that it would take her that long (4 months) to figure out that she didn't want something with me... and yeah, it does hurt, I was really falling for her.

Comments/advice welcome.
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Old 7th October 2004, 10:27 AM   #2
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I don't think what she's going through is specific to females.

She might be fearing rejection. You mentioned that she had recently lost her job and something like that can be a pretty big blow to the ego and leave someone with a feeling of being inadequate or rejected. I think she answered her own question before you could answer it because she didn't want to hear your answer because she feared that your answer might be a rejection and feared what she thought you might say.

What is her romantic history (did she go through a break-up recently)? Maybe her last relationship, her ex-bf broke up with her and there may still be feelings of inadequacy or rejection. Plus, it doesn't feel really good to not be left with any choice but to move back in with parents. That might be brewing inside and adding to the same feeling of inadequacy.

It sounds to me like she's looking for re-assurance that you feel the same way about her that she really feels about you but she's scared to be the first one to admit it because it leaves her vulnerable to rejection through unrequited love.

To fix the immediate problem at hand, try calling her up and re-assuring her that you care about her, tell her that you feel this way regardless of whether or not she returns it. It sounds like she needs to know that you won't reject her for your ex (and really don't go back to your ex -- the ex is an ex for a reason and we must always move forward).

In the long run, tell her when she does something well and acknowledge her strong points. Encourage her and tell her that you're proud of her when she accomplishes something challenging for her. Helping your partner become a better person does wonders for a relationship.

I think what she's showing now are natural defence mechanisms in the human psyche. She might be saying that she doesn't want to feel any worse about herself than she already does. You can help her by helping her to find things in her life that can make her feel better about herself.
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Old 7th October 2004, 10:53 AM   #3
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Quote:
It sounds to me like she's looking for re-assurance that you feel the same way about her that she really feels about you but she's scared to be the first one to admit it because it leaves her vulnerable to rejection through unrequited love.
BINGO!

I think after losing her job and everything she is very vunerable and I thin kshe started to feel very strong feelings for you but like this poster said doesn't think you feel the same so she is running away before things get worse for her.

If you really like this girl and think it could work then go after her and don't let her run..but ifnot let her go if you know you can't give her what she wants or really can't fully commit let her go..

As for the fact that you can't believe it could take a girl four months to figure out if she wants to be with you or not...I think it can take four months or maybe a bit more.
You need to feel the person out get to know who they REALLY are..see if you can actually imagine a future with that person...that takes time and you can't figure all those things out in just one month...
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The male brain is more compartmentalized than the female brain. Men can seperate things whereas women have a harder time cause their brains are all wired together in some inter-connected mish-mosh.

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Old 7th October 2004, 11:46 AM   #4
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Thanks for the advice guys -- I'll give her a call just in case, I mean, what's the worst that could happen, she can't dump me again. Her self esteem and confidence didn't seem to take that much of a hit when she lost her job, she was a little bummed out about it but that was a month ago, she seemed pretty much totally over it within about a week.

Which leads me to think that maybe it just took her 4 months to figure out if she wanted to be with me as EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd mentioned. Anyway, no use in speculating, if I'm wrong and reassuring her works I'll let you guys know -- I'm definitely not playing this girl at all, I really did fall for her and I'd bet on the fact that she already knows that. This is the first time I've ever broken up with a girl when I haven't been in agreement with the decision. I'm 27 so I guess the odds were that I was due, still, tough pill to swallow. Rejection is a bitch.
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