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getting back together: DONT!!!


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Long post, sorry but bare with me.

 

Last nov I was brutally dumped by my gf of 4 years a week after my dad died. It was the most horrible expierence of my ife losing my dad and woman at the same time just before the holidays. She met another guy two weeks later and threw it all in my face when I last spoke to her, what they did sexually, how happy she is, how great he is.....

 

It took a couple of months before the crumbs started, the 'hi how are you?' texts out of nowhere, the emails about total BS, her just wanting an ego stroke. They came but I didnt answer. It wasnt until the end of March when I ran into her by chance (we live very close and in a small town/city). It was at a concert at the local college and as she sat there totally ignoring me I just couldnt take it so I walked over, sat by her and started to talk. It was all small talk and it ended with her saying if I want her back I have to do A,B,C...X,Y,Z. SO the idiot I am thats what I did. It was as if I WAS the person who dumped her and had to make things better. What a fool I was.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We had been back together since then but it was the worst time of my life. I was subjected to basically being her whipping boy (not physically though, YET). Fixing everything at her house, treating her like a queen bee etc. Heres some of the things she did. Refused to take 'single' off of her FB page, the more I asked why the more she fought it until finally after I gave up she did. She would with hold sex and affection, blaming it on one thing after another....work, stress, not feeling sexy, feeling too fat (she was 104 pounds for cryng out loud!). It was bad and I was in hell but for whatever stupid lame reason I took it. (Yea I know, what was I doing/thinking?)

 

So we take a trip to the mountains three weeks ago today, there was a concert we were going to see that I mistakingly got the day wrong (it was the previous day). After finding this out when we arrived we decided to just sit in the car and have some wine and beer that we brought up. Parked in the lot there were lots of cars with people/couples getting out of them and walking to them. I said something like 'look baby, no guys open the doors for their woman like I do for you" , I was fishing for a compliment like 'Yea baby, thats why I love you" but instead got this...."Yea, when youre gone someone else will do it for me". WHAT?!?! I couldnt believe it, I sat there quiet in awe of what I just heard. She then started to mock me for being quiet, and I said that was messed up to say, 'when IM GONE??!". She tried to resind it saying "I meant if something ever happened to you"....uh huh, yea right. "no thats not what you meant" I said to which she flipped the switch and said, "OK THATS IT, Im taking you back to your car!!. get out, IM driving" (we took her new car). As I got out and walked around she tried to lock me out and take off. But I opened the door and got in, I wasnt going to let her leave me 60 miles from home .Finally pissed off I said 'Good, take me back, Im sick of the f ing sh*%"! To which she totally completely raged one inch away from my face cussing, swearing one fulgarity after another like a true psycho. Her eyes were glazed over. I just sat there and took it and shut up.

 

She took off driving and I was quiet, not saying anything. About 10 miles she pulled over to take a piss,. got out of the car , grabbed her crotch and said to me :im going to get ****ed tonight by someone and it AINT YOU!. I couldnt control it so I fired back, calling her a whore and saying that I should kick her ass for saying that. The next thing I knew she was bashing me in my face, knocking and breaking my glasses off, telling me to get out of her car (we were in the middle of nowhere now). I didnt hit her back although I should have. I sat there and refused to get out. Of course by this time I was really mad, who wouldnt be?....So I made the mistake of playing into her game, cussing and screaming back with every vulgar comment from her I fired one back. I was her enemy, she hated me with all her guts, I was so in her past, she was going to get someone to do her that night, just one bomb after another. Less than an hour ago she was professing here deep love for me.

 

She elbowed me over and over (the bruises are JUST going away now). She pulled over like 10 times on the drive back, each time demanding me to get out, each time I said f you, make me. It was the worst thing I have ever been subjected to. The worst thing ever.

 

The problem is, I knew better. I went back, I knew she had issues (BPD?NPD) but refused to listen to my gut.

 

People, for the life of me, please let me be an example.....

 

DO NOT EVER GET BACK with someone who has proven to you who they are. Who has hurt you, abandoned you, disrespected you. IT will only get worse. Mental abuse WILL turn into physical abuse if you continue. DO NOT judge what someone says, judge what they DO. Let this be the only barometer.

 

DONT BE a junkyarddog like me. Respect yourself, you deserve it! You are and have enough to be loved by someone. You deserve it.

 

Dont ever go back.

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Long post, sorry but bare with me.

 

Last nov I was brutally dumped by my gf of 4 years a week after my dad died. It was the most horrible expierence of my ife losing my dad and woman at the same time just before the holidays. She met another guy two weeks later and threw it all in my face when I last spoke to her, what they did sexually, how happy she is, how great he is.....

 

It took a couple of months before the crumbs started, the 'hi how are you?' texts out of nowhere, the emails about total BS, her just wanting an ego stroke. They came but I didnt answer. It wasnt until the end of March when I ran into her by chance (we live very close and in a small town/city). It was at a concert at the local college and as she sat there totally ignoring me I just couldnt take it so I walked over, sat by her and started to talk. It was all small talk and it ended with her saying if I want her back I have to do A,B,C...X,Y,Z. SO the idiot I am thats what I did. It was as if I WAS the person who dumped her and had to make things better. What a fool I was.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We had been back together since then but it was the worst time of my life. I was subjected to basically being her whipping boy (not physically though, YET). Fixing everything at her house, treating her like a queen bee etc. Heres some of the things she did. Refused to take 'single' off of her FB page, the more I asked why the more she fought it until finally after I gave up she did. She would with hold sex and affection, blaming it on one thing after another....work, stress, not feeling sexy, feeling too fat (she was 104 pounds for cryng out loud!). It was bad and I was in hell but for whatever stupid lame reason I took it. (Yea I know, what was I doing/thinking?)

 

So we take a trip to the mountains three weeks ago today, there was a concert we were going to see that I mistakingly got the day wrong (it was the previous day). After finding this out when we arrived we decided to just sit in the car and have some wine and beer that we brought up. Parked in the lot there were lots of cars with people/couples getting out of them and walking to them. I said something like 'look baby, no guys open the doors for their woman like I do for you" , I was fishing for a compliment like 'Yea baby, thats why I love you" but instead got this...."Yea, when youre gone someone else will do it for me". WHAT?!?! I couldnt believe it, I sat there quiet in awe of what I just heard. She then started to mock me for being quiet, and I said that was messed up to say, 'when IM GONE??!". She tried to resind it saying "I meant if something ever happened to you"....uh huh, yea right. "no thats not what you meant" I said to which she flipped the switch and said, "OK THATS IT, Im taking you back to your car!!. get out, IM driving" (we took her new car). As I got out and walked around she tried to lock me out and take off. But I opened the door and got in, I wasnt going to let her leave me 60 miles from home .Finally pissed off I said 'Good, take me back, Im sick of the f ing sh*%"! To which she totally completely raged one inch away from my face cussing, swearing one fulgarity after another like a true psycho. Her eyes were glazed over. I just sat there and took it and shut up.

 

She took off driving and I was quiet, not saying anything. About 10 miles she pulled over to take a piss,. got out of the car , grabbed her crotch and said to me :im going to get ****ed tonight by someone and it AINT YOU!. I couldnt control it so I fired back, calling her a whore and saying that I should kick her ass for saying that. The next thing I knew she was bashing me in my face, knocking and breaking my glasses off, telling me to get out of her car (we were in the middle of nowhere now). I didnt hit her back although I should have. I sat there and refused to get out. Of course by this time I was really mad, who wouldnt be?....So I made the mistake of playing into her game, cussing and screaming back with every vulgar comment from her I fired one back. I was her enemy, she hated me with all her guts, I was so in her past, she was going to get someone to do her that night, just one bomb after another. Less than an hour ago she was professing here deep love for me.

 

She elbowed me over and over (the bruises are JUST going away now). She pulled over like 10 times on the drive back, each time demanding me to get out, each time I said f you, make me. It was the worst thing I have ever been subjected to. The worst thing ever.

 

The problem is, I knew better. I went back, I knew she had issues (BPD?NPD) but refused to listen to my gut.

 

People, for the life of me, please let me be an example.....

 

DO NOT EVER GET BACK with someone who has proven to you who they are. Who has hurt you, abandoned you, disrespected you. IT will only get worse. Mental abuse WILL turn into physical abuse if you continue. DO NOT judge what someone says, judge what they DO. Let this be the only barometer.

 

DONT BE a junkyarddog like me. Respect yourself, you deserve it! You are and have enough to be loved by someone. You deserve it.

 

Dont ever go back.

How do you feel now? I mean.. are you okay? I hope you haven't talked to her since than. What an ungrateful bitch - sorry for my bad french! You can do so much better... you are too good for her!

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Can I ask, how were you two during the first relationship? Was there chemistry? Did she show any mean-streaks back then?

 

It was the typical Narcissitic black hole. In the beginning it was great, unbelievable, too good to be true. The love bombing, idealizing, she said and did everything I had always dreamed of. I had FINALLY found my soul mate......or so I thought. Slowly but surely with every breach of my boundaries she changed. With every test of how far she could go there was punishment. It started out once in a few weeks there was an arguement and cascaded from there. I couldnt even look at the TV when a hot chick came on (like those Carls Jr commercials), I couldnt look at or watch the worship leader at church (an attractive woman). If I didnt praise her or tell her how beautiful she is and how much I loved her ten times a day there would be a problem.

 

My gut knew it was wrong, I was being transformed into something I was not, an object, not a person with feelings, wants, needs and desires which are equally important. But the crumbs of 'regular-ness', the brief hot in between the chilling long cold spells which grew and grew longer and longer were enough to keep me on the hook. She had me , had me so deep that it took 4 years of abuse culminated by the last straw (which should have been her dumping me after my dad died, God rest his soul).

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How do you feel now? I mean.. are you okay? I hope you haven't talked to her since than. What an ungrateful bitch - sorry for my bad french! You can do so much better... you are too good for her!

 

Honestly, I am not ok. My head, heart, soul and life are filled with many many mixed emotions. It has been and still is the battle of my life. Someone who has never gone through something like this really cant relate, true torture in the deepest soul wrenching way.

 

I turned off my phone that day, Im sure there are texts ranging from how much she hates me to whatever else on there. I blocked her email and really havent checked mine at all since. I did go on the other week and there was one from her that got through somehow which I just clicked off the computer after seeing the 'Hi (me)' title. I refuse to ever let myself talk, see, respond or acknowledge her ever again. Its hard though, she lives less than a mile down the road and I know I will run into her someday soon.

 

This person, and I use that term mildly is not short of true evil. I know this, yet is still so hard to fight the normal reaction from a (somewhat) normal person like me when losing someone you care about. I say somewhat because most guys would never let it go that far, but that doesnt mean I am like her. Her love was never real, mine was. Was it my fault? Yes and no. I am accountable for my decisions and taking it for so long but my feelings were real even though hers werent.

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Honestly, I am not ok. My head, heart, soul and life are filled with many many mixed emotions. It has been and still is the battle of my life. Someone who has never gone through something like this really cant relate, true torture in the deepest soul wrenching way.

 

I turned off my phone that day, Im sure there are texts ranging from how much she hates me to whatever else on there. I blocked her email and really havent checked mine at all since. I did go on the other week and there was one from her that got through somehow which I just clicked off the computer after seeing the 'Hi (me)' title. I refuse to ever let myself talk, see, respond or acknowledge her ever again. Its hard though, she lives less than a mile down the road and I know I will run into her someday soon.

 

This person, and I use that term mildly is not short of true evil. I know this, yet is still so hard to fight the normal reaction from a (somewhat) normal person like me when losing someone you care about. I say somewhat because most guys would never let it go that far, but that doesnt mean I am like her. Her love was never real, mine was. Was it my fault? Yes and no. I am accountable for my decisions and taking it for so long but my feelings were real even though hers werent.

Do not blame yourself! You are just wrong with letting her do that to you and giving her too many chances! You are really a good guy... You must be really broken and confused. Fight it and give it some time. Don't ever look back!

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Man I'm so sorry to read your story.

I can't believe how badly you've been treated. I respect you for sharing your experiences. You ain't a junkyarddog, you are human, okay mate? You took it for so long because you loved her. Now you gotta love yourself yeah?

 

You sound like a really decent guy who is honest and realistic about the situation, stay strong. Definitely keep doing what you have been doing and keep going forward.

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Itspointless

Do not be so hard on yourself. Be proud that you are capable of loving. You were and still are vulnerable. Be kind to yourself, love yourself like you loved your ex.

 

I also wish you lots of luck processing the loss of your father. I can understand you took her back in the state of mind you were. It was a bad decision, but not something to blame yourself for. She took advantage of the state you were in.

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I can relate. Let me tell you though; you will be fine. Relieved and happier, actually.

 

A decade ago I found myself in an abusive relationship. Initially it was great (but then it always is). Later on came the controlling, things like I couldn't have male friends. Then came physical abuse. Not violence, but rape. It was a form of control, and I don't think even he believed what he did. He was weak with low self esteem and was forcing something that wasn't there.

 

Eventually I broke it off. Yes it was hard. It was still a break up. But I also ended a toxic relationship and felt so much better for it. You will too. Let yourself be happy. Lots and lots of people have gone through terrible break ups with people who turned out to be horrible and manipulative. Getting the hell out of a situation like that is only positive. Remember that. You'll be grand. Onwards and upwards.

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Feelbettersoon

Man.

 

I'm so sorry to read this, she sounds awful.

 

No one deserves that, she has deep rooted issues and was turning you into her punchbag. I really hope things go well for you now, you've had a rough year. Keep ignoring her and as hard as it may sound block her out of your life because you sound like a great guy who deserves all the love at this time. Take care of yourself!

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Thank you all so much who took the time to respond, means a lot.

 

One of the worst parts of this all is that my main social network (a couple of close friends and also my entire family, who all say its my fault and I deserve it) have turned against me since I went back. I basically have zero support from anyone who I know now. Ostracized. I do have one friend who understands but even then he doesnt wanna hear it after so much.

 

So now all that I have really is here, the shack. I know theres lots of straight shooters here from hanging around back in the beginning of the year and I appreciate any and all support, comments or thoughts, tough or not.

 

You guys (and gals) are my last hope to 'talk' about it other than seeing a therapist which I really cant afford right now and even then a good one who really understands and wants to help is hard to find.

 

Again.....Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and to respond. Your time, words and thoughts mean a lot.

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This is very similar to what happened to me a few years ago. I'm glad you aren't with her anymore, this girls a psycho. Let's face it your ex is no

Prize.

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Thank you all so much who took the time to respond, means a lot.

 

One of the worst parts of this all is that my main social network (a couple of close friends and also my entire family, who all say its my fault and I deserve it) have turned against me since I went back. I basically have zero support from anyone who I know now. Ostracized. I do have one friend who understands but even then he doesnt wanna hear it after so much.

 

So now all that I have really is here, the shack. I know theres lots of straight shooters here from hanging around back in the beginning of the year and I appreciate any and all support, comments or thoughts, tough or not.

 

You guys (and gals) are my last hope to 'talk' about it other than seeing a therapist which I really cant afford right now and even then a good one who really understands and wants to help is hard to find.

 

Again.....Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and to respond. Your time, words and thoughts mean a lot.

 

Your own family and friends believe that you deserved to be abused ?! Wow, with family like this, you don't need enemies. NO ONE deserves to be abused / mistreated, NO ONE. I hope you take this opportunity to cut off these "friends" and "relatives", too !

 

You are a good human being and did NOT deserve this. I am sorry that you are going through this. Sending lots of good luck your way. Stay strong !

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Thank you all so much who took the time to respond, means a lot.

 

One of the worst parts of this all is that my main social network (a couple of close friends and also my entire family, who all say its my fault and I deserve it) have turned against me since I went back. I basically have zero support from anyone who I know now. Ostracized. I do have one friend who understands but even then he doesnt wanna hear it after so much.

 

So now all that I have really is here, the shack. I know theres lots of straight shooters here from hanging around back in the beginning of the year and I appreciate any and all support, comments or thoughts, tough or not.

 

You guys (and gals) are my last hope to 'talk' about it other than seeing a therapist which I really cant afford right now and even then a good one who really understands and wants to help is hard to find.

 

Again.....Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and to respond. Your time, words and thoughts mean a lot.

 

Brother, sorry you went through all that abuse. Don't blame yourself, be happy she is out of your life.

 

I am glad you posted your story, it seems like everyone wants to rekindle with their ex, it's really sad.

 

The best thing you can get from a break up is a heartache, accept it, learn that you and your ex were not meant for each other, regardless of who was at fault.

 

The worst thing, and I mean the very worst thing you can ever do for yourself, your well being, your life and your future is going back to an ex who dumped you. The dumper will never ever respect you, JunkyardDog is on point.

 

I know, I know, but that ex of yours, "he/she is so...... , we were meant for each other, I need him/her in my life." I have just one response, PLEEEEEZE!!!

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Day 22 NC......chipping away at the stone.

 

It's crazy how someone who treated you so badly, put you through so much still remains stuck in your mind and somehow in your life. It really doesn't make sense just like the R itself.

 

Trying to stay strong, I can't wait until both the physical (bruises) and even more, the mental reminders in and on me are gone.

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Let me first say that I don't know what ethnicity you are, but you need a few drops of blood from the native American tribe Slapahoe! No, just kidding. I can relate to your experience as i've had several in this vicious cycle of abuse and mistreatment. My ex is nothing short of a psychopath and I could tell you stories of mental, physical, verbal, and even spiritual abuse that would make what you described pale in comparison. Like you I was a glutton for punishment. Like when a woman gets beat by her lover and then turns around and makes excuses for the black eyes. Being a man, you have to suck it up! become hard as nails, cause lawd forbid if you can't handle a little abuse your referred to as a pussy, even if it's a lot of abuse. But what's important is that you have got to know and realize that you deserve better, and that there is someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are, and love you the way you are. These are the things that I tell my darned self as I am going through the same ****. We all understand how hard it is when you care and are attached to someone, but when is enough enough? I have drew my line, and @this point all I can say is i'm glad it's over. I haven't started missing her or her disrespectful and abusive ways....atleast not yet.

Now all i want is to keep it over, because im actually optimistic about the future and what it can hold. Don't be sucked (literally) back into the maze of manipulation, disrespect and neglect. There is someone out there better for you, just believe that!:(

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Don't be so hard on yourself regarding this...sometimes we have to make the bad decision in our life to understand who we should really be with.

 

I just hope you are okay - going through something like this is really really tough and I can't imagine what you are feeling. You've dodged a huge bullet with this girl...she has little to no class.

 

You are worth a lot more than this and will find a girl who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

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Don't be so hard on yourself regarding this...sometimes we have to make the bad decision in our life to understand who we should really be with.

 

I just hope you are okay - going through something like this is really really tough and I can't imagine what you are feeling. You've dodged a huge bullet with this girl...she has little to no class.

 

You are worth a lot more than this and will find a girl who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

 

Thank you lauri,

 

I am just taking it day by day, would'nt say that I am OK but just slowly working through it all. Its hard, yes, very very hard. Most people think how could it be, this chick is psycho? I wish I had an answer to their question and I also wish I could follow my own advice that I tell people who are in abusive relationships. I wish it were as easy as flicking a switch but it aint. Its the strangest, weirdest, black hole of a feeling that sometimes seems gets worse not better the more time goes by. Its like part of her crazy has been wiped on you like a piece of toilet paper.....off of her and on to you now.

 

Deep sigh............Staying strong.

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SoThatHappened

JYD,

 

Been where you are now. Felt what you are feeling, as have most on here.

 

You're doing what you need to do, and that's take it day by day.

 

Right now, you're heart and emotions are 95% in control of everything. This is the worst point of dealing with a broken heart.

 

It DOES get better. You are going to go through some tough days and weeks. You will be up and down.

 

As time goes on, your good days will start to catch up with the bad, and eventually outnumber them.

 

For me, I was an absolute wreck for 2 or 3 weeks. Not eating, physically made myself sick. But, I also let the mourning process move forward. I let myself cry. I gave myself a break for being a mess.

 

Then I started feeling better after about 3 weeks (all of this time in NC). Then somewhere around the 2 to 3 month mark, I went through a couple weeks of sadness again. I think that's when you realize that it really happened and they're really gone.

 

After you get through this, you'll be back to 95% logic/brain and 5% emotions. Believe me.

 

Not saying it will happen in this timeframe or exactly how it will go down, but you will get better.

 

NC, let your emotions fly, be good to yourself, surround yourself with friends and family as much as possible.

 

You'll get there.

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"DO NOT EVER GET BACK with someone who has proven to you who they are. Who has hurt you, abandoned you, disrespected you. IT will only get worse. Mental abuse WILL turn into physical abuse if you continue. DO NOT judge what someone says, judge what they DO. Let this be the only barometer.

 

DONT BE a junkyarddog like me. Respect yourself, you deserve it! You are and have enough to be loved by someone. You deserve it.

 

Dont ever go back."

 

What a nightmare for you!!! I'm so sorry. Are you doing better now that you stopped talking to her? I would think you'd feel a great deal better now after a getting out of a horrible situation like that!

 

My last RS was a lot like that. Very volatile. Very hurtful. My ex abused me in every way. Except rape, though towards the end he was just screwing me. No passion...no connection...it felt very impersonal, for lack of a better way to explain it.

 

Anyway. You are right. I went back to mine because he came begging for me to get back with him. A month later, same ****.

 

I am much happier now, 9 months later. (=

 

Thanks for the read.

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Hey JYD,

 

Like everyone has said you are being way too hard on yourself.

 

Turn this into a positive. You gave it a second chance, it didn't work. She presumed because she took you back she could exploit that. When someone shows you who they really are believe them. Now you can move on without thinking what if. You offered reconciliation and she blew it.

 

I believe my ex was BPD and I know only too well how difficult it is but they will never change and will only be happy when they drag you down to their level. F**k em! We're better than that. Capable of true love that is earned and respected.

 

All the best. x

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Another day another step.....why on earth is this even a struggle? This SHOULD be easy, no brainer.

 

Must keep reminding myself --- someone who loves you will never manipulate, control, discard and abuse you. Never, ever, ever.

 

 

Staying strong.,,,tryin to best I can.

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oh man,,,

 

 

Having hard time today....Dads birthday.....first since his death. Just so many emotions flying around with everything.

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oh man,,,

 

 

Having hard time today....Dads birthday.....first since his death. Just so many emotions flying around with everything.

Yeah man, those moments will always be hard every year. At the same time it really is worth keeping the ones we love in our heart. Perhaps you can do something today you both liked?

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Yea Im going to watch a baseball game tonight, he was such a fan.

 

 

Sorry for my blathering and I dont mean to sound like such a wuss.....I feel like what happened prohibited me from really grieving his passing. I spent more time pining over her for leaving when I needed her the most that I really didnt properly grieve for him, I was splitting between the two. How f'ed up...and the fact that this bitch is STILL in my head just adds to it and gets me pissed for allowing it all not only then but even more so now recently.

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