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girlfriend of 8 years


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Hello,

I am posting on this forum because I am lost, confused, and totally blindsided. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 years and in these last two years we have been in a long distance relationship about 2 hours away, because we both went to university. As any relationship, we have had our ups and downs but have honestly had a very happy relationship. Today, I thought she was coming up for a long weekend with me, when I saw her outside my door with no bags i knew something was wrong. We talked, exchanged some pleasantries, and then she started crying. She had come up today to break up with me. She said she was too reliant on me, how my emotions effected her emotions too much, how she only knew me and that how maybe there was someone out there that she would know she wants to marry. That she couldn't stay with me because there would always be doubt that there was someone else because she has only dated me. She said that it was better we break up no instead of two years down the road when we were planning on getting married (big emphasis on WE, she brought that stuff up not me, but those plans were always in my head). She claimed that there was noone else that she is attracted to, but needed time to be herself and find herself without me effecting her. Two of her closest friends broke up with their boyfriends for almost the exact same reasons. She claims that this doesn't have to be the end and that she needs time to figure out who she is. Now one of my good friends had a girl break up with him and then used him as someone to talk to and lead on whenever she needed but went on to make out and hit on other guys, so I didn't want any part of that. After many tears and trying everything to keep her around, she decided she needed to go home, talk to her mom, and just think. We decided that she would call me if things changed.

 

Can anyone give me advice? Commiserate? Anything? I am just so lost right now. I'm still in complete shock. What do I do? Even after hearing all of this, I still want to be with her and I don't know what to do...

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Hi stormer59,

 

Sorry for your loss (and hers ofcourse).

 

That she couldn't stay with me because there would always be doubt that there was someone else because she has only dated me.

 

Forget all excuses she made like finding herself. From what I see it looks clear she has the GIGS (grass-greener-syndrome):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

The thing is now, it's completely out of your control and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't chase her down, it will only push her away further.

 

She just wants to explore the world (and probably other men) for the reason she already told you. She is afraid of missing out on "everything else" because she has only been with you. She is afraid that she will look back later and think "oh damn, I wished i just has dated more" etc.

 

I think the following will happen from now on:

 

1. She will move on

2. She will date other guys

 

Now either the following can happen after that:

 

3. She will either come back and get on her knees to have you back (I made a mistake) Turned out life outside your relationship wasn't that great at all...

 

3. She will find a "better" guy and move on.

 

The last thing I want to tell you is: you are not responsible for her feelings. It's not your fault. (As far as I can tell from your post).I would stop communication and leave her be. She needs to figure herself out. And I think you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is doubtfull? No! You deserve a person that loves you for 100%. All else = exit. Think about that.

Edited by NC-Thomas
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8 years is a long time, I feel for you, I'm sorry you have to go through this, honestly, the excuses seem very wishy-washy to me, I'm not gonna put a label on it and say it's GIGS, but it does sound an awful lot like she's conflicted right now, did you notice any red flags before she came over to break up?, or was it really just a complete and utter shock?, I really hope for your sake there's no big reason for this break up, sometimes people just get a feeling randomly that something isn't right and go off the idea of relationships, it's a crappyfeeling that just comes out of nowhere and blindsides some, she hasn't given you a concrete reason so that's just my guess.

 

My advice, drop dead for a while, and I mean that, do not contact her at all, don't question a single thing, let her come to you to talk when she's good and ready to talk to you and really open up, you don't want to know what might or might not be happening in the meantime, either way, it's out of your hands.

 

 

Talking to her right now will only push her farther away from you, if you have to, say very little to her and hold back your words, the last thing she needs now is to feel more overwhelmed than she already is.

 

 

Good luck.

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thanks for the replies. I took a look at that grass is greener thread and I have to say it describes my situation perfectly. For the past week we didn't talk a whole lot or really have any meaningful conversations, but I had assumed that it was because classes had just started for both of us and we were both busy. I guess now I play the waiting game and see if she wants to reconcile, although the more I think about it the more I doubt I could look at her the same way. Life really sucks sometimes

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9yearsofmylife

I can personally tell you that that sucks. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. At least you weren't planning your wedding like I was. My fiancé decided he wanted to break up kind of like your gf did and ' find him self ' which i totally agree with breaking up now ... even though on Aug 1st I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.

 

This has taught me that HE needs a lot of soul searching. I need a lot of soul searching. Things weren't working we were both causing tension and if things continued it would of been a super unhappy marriage.

 

We're a diamond in the ruff... and I truly believe that however there is a lot of ruff that needs to be chipped away and only time will do that. My best advice for you is to work on yourself. 8 years is a long time ... 9 years is a long time... and through those years our lover was always there for everything. birthdays, holidays, tragedies... just life.... I'm learning that I have to be OKAY alone... I have to work on myself. Finding hobbies has been the absolute worst because I don't know what I like to do anymore... I know what WE liked to do.

 

I even broke down and made an appointment to go talk to someone. It has been extremely helpful because I'm learning WHY I acted the way I did in our relationship and how to change it.

 

You need to do things for You each and every day.. emotionally , physically, for your relationship, and health wise. I'm taking time for ME ( walking our dog, going to the gym, reading a book ) and its starting to help. There IS light at the end of this tunnel even though it doesn't feel like it.

 

You will have ups and downs. I think I've decided to do no contact and simply focus all my energy on making myself whole again.

 

I hope this helps... I'm just glad I found this website.

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She's breaking up with you to sleep with other guys, but because the relationship has been so safe with you, wants to keep you as backup plan.

 

Stay in NC for good. Move on.

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I can personally tell you that that sucks. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. At least you weren't planning your wedding like I was. My fiancé decided he wanted to break up kind of like your gf did and ' find him self ' which i totally agree with breaking up now ... even though on Aug 1st I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.

 

This has taught me that HE needs a lot of soul searching. I need a lot of soul searching. Things weren't working we were both causing tension and if things continued it would of been a super unhappy marriage.

 

We're a diamond in the ruff... and I truly believe that however there is a lot of ruff that needs to be chipped away and only time will do that. My best advice for you is to work on yourself. 8 years is a long time ... 9 years is a long time... and through those years our lover was always there for everything. birthdays, holidays, tragedies... just life.... I'm learning that I have to be OKAY alone... I have to work on myself. Finding hobbies has been the absolute worst because I don't know what I like to do anymore... I know what WE liked to do.

 

I even broke down and made an appointment to go talk to someone. It has been extremely helpful because I'm learning WHY I acted the way I did in our relationship and how to change it.

 

You need to do things for You each and every day.. emotionally , physically, for your relationship, and health wise. I'm taking time for ME ( walking our dog, going to the gym, reading a book ) and its starting to help. There IS light at the end of this tunnel even though it doesn't feel like it.

 

You will have ups and downs. I think I've decided to do no contact and simply focus all my energy on making myself whole again.

 

I hope this helps... I'm just glad I found this website.

 

 

 

I am very sorry that we are both in this situation. I know exactly how you are feeling in terms of hobbies, activities, etc. I went to a movie today to get my mind of things and I literally cried the entire time because all I could think about was how we had always gone to that movie theater.

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9yearsofmylife
I am very sorry that we are both in this situation. I know exactly how you are feeling in terms of hobbies, activities, etc. I went to a movie today to get my mind of things and I literally cried the entire time because all I could think about was how we had always gone to that movie theater.

 

I would like to talk with you more on this but not sure how to message you or email ... I feel like we have almost the same situation

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How old are you? Just starting university? It is not an unreasonable position for her to take. The grass may indeed be greener at this age.... for both of you. Unfortunately, there's only one way to find out.

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@9yearsofmylife: I would love to email you or pm you in some way about both of our situations. Although I am new to this forum, there must be some way for that right?

 

@mightycpa: we are both in our third year of uni. When we first went to college she became emotionally connected to someone else, but we talked about what happened and she decided that I was all she wanted. She severed all ties at that time and currently the other guy has a long term girlfriend. That is why I am so confused on this breakup. We have already been through something similar and got over it, realizing we were both best for each other.

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It's a lousy situation for you to be in and the only advice I can offer is try your hardest to move on and find something to occupy your time.

 

I'll give her credit for one thing. She acted like an adult and rather than a text or phone call, she talked to you face to face and no doubt it wasn't easy for her either.

 

I understand your hurt and mad but if it's time to move on then do it and don't let bitterness get in the way. She was up front and that says something.

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Hey Stormer59

 

 

I'm sorry to hear you are in this most difficult situation. I went through something very similar just 9 weeks ago, you can read my thread here:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/488680-your-views-what-happened

 

 

A few of the comments that your ex made are strikingly similar to what I got from my ex at the end. The thing you must remember is that in this situation there is nothing you can or could have done. In my situation we did have some underlying issues for a while but nothing that would have made me expect that she would leave me 10 weeks before our wedding!

 

 

If you would like to contact me to discuss in more detail just let me know

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It's a lousy situation for you to be in and the only advice I can offer is try your hardest to move on and find something to occupy your time.

 

I'll give her credit for one thing. She acted like an adult and rather than a text or phone call, she talked to you face to face and no doubt it wasn't easy for her either.

 

I understand your hurt and mad but if it's time to move on then do it and don't let bitterness get in the way. She was up front and that says something.

 

 

It wasn't easy for her? She was the one who wanted to do it. And she was up front and that says something? What does it say? I agree, she was adult and broke up with me in person, but after 8 years I deserved that at the least...

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@mightycpa: we are both in our third year of uni. When we first went to college she became emotionally connected to someone else, but we talked about what happened and she decided that I was all she wanted. She severed all ties at that time and currently the other guy has a long term girlfriend. That is why I am so confused on this breakup. We have already been through something similar and got over it, realizing we were both best for each other.

 

First of all, I'm sorry for how you're feeling. I know this isn't fun.

 

Yeah, this idea's been bubbling around for a while. The tea kettle started whistling in Year 1, and somehow you took it off the burner. She put it back on, and it is whistling again. It sounds like this has to happen for her.

 

I hate to repeat this to you, but it is simply not that unusual, especially when you leave home and go somewhere like a University with thousands of interesting, smart and single people pretty much all your own age.

 

Interview 100 older married couples who went away to school, and most of them will have gone through what you are going through now, and it was permanent. Most of the rest will regret that they did not.

 

Forever is a long damn time. Love relationships early in your life are typically just races to the finish line. Somebody almost always loses.

 

You'll be fine, but it will take some time.

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95% of time when someone breaks up with you it's because there is someone else.

 

Sorry to be so blunt but she's done it before.

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95% of time when someone breaks up with you it's because there is someone else.

 

Sorry to be so blunt but she's done it before.

 

 

As much as my heart wants to tell you that you're wrong, my brain knows you are probably right. She kept saying that we weren't breaking up because of another guy, but if there isn't one now, there probably will be soon enough I am sure. After our freshmen year of college, I knew that if she ended up breaking up with me, it would be a complete blindside and that it would be for this very reason. And guess what? I was right...

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I am literally on the verge of contacting her. It has been 5 days i know, but I am going insane without talking to her. Last time we had a problem, we talked everything out. Do I contact her? If I absolutely must, what do I say. I know do NC and work on yourself but I don't want NC to come off as severing off all ties forever

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I am literally on the verge of contacting her. It has been 5 days i know, but I am going insane without talking to her. Last time we had a problem, we talked everything out. Do I contact her? If I absolutely must, what do I say. I know do NC and work on yourself but I don't want NC to come off as severing off all ties forever

 

NC doesn't sever all ties "forever" in many cases. What it does is give YOU time to heal and move on. If a woman wants to get in touch with you, THEY WILL. NC or NO.

 

 

So NO don't say ANTHING.

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Update:

 

It has been about two months since she broke up with me. Since then I have not contacted her once. I have focused on myself, I've met a lot of new people, and I have proven to myself that there are other girls out there that are attracted to me. Honestly, I have had more fun in the last two months then probably most of the relationship I had with my ex.

 

Anyways, she dumped me for another guy (quite obvious from the start I know) and this guy dumped his long term relationship girlfriend for her. Earlier this week this guys ex girlfriend friends me on facebook and starts messaging me and filling me in on what really happened (basically she had been cheating on me for two weeks before breaking up with me). A bunch of stuff I really didn't want to hear but I was sure I would hear about eventually.

 

So my ex girlfriend apparently sees that this other girl friended me on facebook.

 

I then get a text from my ex going on about how she wanted to talk about what actually happened, how there was another guy but he wasn't the reason we broke up, how she doesn't want me questioning what happened, how this guys ex girlfriend has been lying to me and how she wants to set things straight and how she handled everything in the appropriate manner originally.

 

I literally laughed when I read this text. It was the biggest bunch of S*** I had ever read in my life. My guess is that she found out that I figured out what really happened and now she is trying to save face with me so that she can come off as the good guy and that she did nothing wrong.

 

I will not reply. I have no intention of ever coming into contact with her again.

 

What are your thoughts on what happened?

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Thanks! And I won't! It just astounds me she would text me such a thing and to put so many lies into it. No where does it apologize for hurting me, anything like that. And it goes on to claim this guys ex girlfriend is lying to me!

 

I don't understand why she would even text me that

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Yeah dude, the writing was on the wall. And deep down, you knew (or at least had a feeling) that there was someone else. And the "he wasn't the reason why we broke up" is straight out of the cheaters handbook. So much for "wanting to be alone to find herself" Yeah, right. She found herself jumping in some other dude's bed in less than two months. Less than sixty days! No mourning the loss of you. No mourning the loss of the relationship.

 

 

She says that the dude's exgirlfriend was lying to you? Dude, the exgirlfriend is the ONLY one being truthful to you. Why would she lie? What would be to gain from it? She's not with her Ex, you're not with yours! Nothing to be gained or lost with telling you this stuff! Except to have the piece of mind in knowing the truth so you're not beating yourself up with wondering what YOU did wrong that made her leave. Now, you know it wasn't anything you did, it was her cheating.

 

 

So, why did she contact you? One thing about most girls, they can't stand to think that there's a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a nice person. Therefore, she's reaching out to tell you MORE lies to try and sway your opinion of her.

 

 

Stay NC. Your post tells me one thing though. If she can see who you've added as a friend on Facebook, then she's not blocked. YOU NEED TO BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK! Now, she knows the cat is out of the bag. So, she's going to start posting pics of the two of them together and posting lovey dovey crap to each other in the statuses. And you don't need to see that crap. Stay NC, but if you block her, that should send a clear message of what you thought about her text without saying anything or breaking NC.

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[quote=Chi townD;5957407 So much for "wanting to be alone to find herself" Yeah, right. She found herself jumping in some other dude's bed in less than two months. Less than sixty days! No mourning the loss of you. No mourning the loss of the relationship.

 

 

No she found herself in his bed 2 weeks BEFORE she decided to come break up with me. After 8 years together and she does that...All I can say is what goes around comes around.

 

I trust the guys ex girlfriend. I mean there is literally no reason for me not to...

 

She actually wants to drive a few hours over to my school to meet me and go out to dinner.

 

I plan to block her, I just don't go on all that often so it really doesn't effect me a whole lot. Plus I like her seeing pictures of me having a blast. But don't worry I will block her

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Yeah dude. Don't even respond to her. Don't answer texts...nothing. One thing I don't see her doing is driving for hours without firming up and confirming going out to dinner if she can't confirm you're even going to be there.

 

 

Just ignore.

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