traumatized after 8 years with severe commitment phobe.

[marta1981]

Where do I begin.. Ill tell the whole story in 1st paragraph, for those who might be in similar situation, if you have time - read it Id love to hear your thoughts. in 2nd paragraph - Ill explain my problem and how I think you could help me). I met Adrian @ work when I was 25 years old (that was 8 years ago..)(we lived in different countries in europe but only 5 hrs train away/1 hr flight) I was engaged with great guy but I didn't really want to proceed with marriage and we had some arguments about it, I thought I was too young and wanted to wait, continue study, pursue career, he wanted marriage and kids. I can remember (although it seems surreal now) I was a confident, happy, energetic, brave woman back then..So I met Mr. Right.. (he was "unhappily married" "not living with his wife" "just staying around for kids".).

 

He was also incredibly handsome, intelligent, charming, you know.. the guy you want to loose his head for you. And so hid did.. We had passion, intimacy, friendship, fun, everything I always dreamt of. The huge part of attraction was (back then and for entire 8 years) sexual satisfaction (we were always and still are very passionate about each other and find each other very attractive). We were seeing each other often as we worked on a long project together (on and off for 6 months in a year). Everything was perfect. I know how it sounds and I know only people who had been in a relationships with CP can relate to that but at this stage of relationship everything was indeed perfect. More than perfect. That was it. Jackpot.

 

The man from my dreams. See fairy tale do come true! (I was thinking).OF COURSE there were red flags.. he told me about him always being unfaithful to his wife but he said these were 1 night stands, "he never got involved, and this was happening before he even asked her to marry him..." "She never understood him, treated him like money maker and actually, he will never forget how (when he got to know the language of her origin, she all of a sudden appeared to be a different woman than he met (in english...)". ..Please understand I was 25 back then.. We had our 1st "break up" after about 1,5 years when I asked if he was going to finally formalize his divorce, he was explaining he wants to stick around for kids, I broke it of without hesitation (back then I was still being myself..).

 

He was calling NON STOP, if I wouldn't answer he'd leave me tons of messages apologizing. Didn't work. He then sent an email.. long email admitting to everything I didn't want to accept, saying I am his salvation and he cannot believe he'd "f*** it up", exposing his worst and saying he doesn't expect anything, just wanted to tell me this and hopes I can one day forgive him".. I decided to speak with him, he'd knew I wasn't going to fall for "empty promises" so he told his parents about me. (I thought - ok, he sticks around for kids but if he informs parents he's met "the love of his life" - he must be genuine about his feelings). We had couple breakups along the line on same topic again and he'd try and take me to his friends but then acting strange/cold, limiting contact (telling he was with kids..). I made a silly but conscious decision to wait till he divorces so I was "aware" this would not be a "normal" relationship over night.

 

After 3 years I said ENOUGH and refused to speak with him about it any more. I believe he was pushed to the limit as he did finally told his wife he didn't love her anymore and there was no chance for them to ever get back together and wanted to end it and move out to another city. He moved to a city closer to me (work reasons). I thought this is it. but hey, man just made a life changing decision and has really hard time dealing with moving away from kids, I wasn't pushing for anything. I was supporting him as a friend, if he said he'd changed his mind, I would support that as well. He did seem to suffer (now I know it was guilt) He managed to settle and started building new life. Figured out how he'd spend time with kids and make everything as painless as possible.

 

During that time our relationship went from sexual and passionate to more close, intimate, honest... I was not aware of what was coming at me... This is almost 5 years since I know him and 4 years into a relationship. I came to visit and I think we had the best time ever. We were very close, happy, comfortable, and he was completely open/happy about us still being so "in love" and at the same time so much like an "old couple". He said he wants to "grow old with me". I felt I was in heaven. There was nothing but a clear blue sky in front us. Shortly after I came back I noticed he'd call less, but I was so confident I was "the love of his life" Id never question it or get obsessive. I invited him for Christmas..he said great and we settled everything.

 

I told my parents they'd meet my man.. shortly after we agreed on arrangements, he was supposed to visit for a weekend. He called to cancel and gave some lame excuse, I was furious and told him he's gotta be kidding me so he hang up and didn't call for next week. (I was going crazy!!) The man who fought for me for nearly 5 years is not calling now for a week cause of that? We never had 2 days without speaking (unless I didn't want to). I though - my fault, I yelled at him .. I called to apologize, he didn't want to speak at all, I swear I literary felt my heart breaking, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I think I was passing out. I hang up, but shortly I felt Ill never get my emotional balance back if I don't find out what's going on?! I called him and forced to speak with me. He said he doesn't know why, but he doesn't feel about me the way he did before, and also he felt pushed to the wall and suffocating.

 

I thanked him (!!) for sharing that and wished him all the best. Couldn't peel myself off the floor for 4 days and didn't get out of bed for 2 months. My family and friends did not believe this was me. I couldn't either. I found out he was trying to set up a date with his old gf in California while still not speaking to me about whats going on.. By that time I didn't know his kids yet. On the New Years Eve he called out of the blue and said he doesn't know what that was, what he was doing and he'd love me to come and meet his son as he's spending New Years Eve with him. The moment I hanged up (it was around noon) I ran to the bathroom to do my hair and quickly jump on the plane , as i got into a shower I though "wait a minute what r u doin!?!, got out with shampoo still all over me called him and said Im not going anywhere.

 

We stayed in touch though (same industry, same hobbys, and we were really great friend so I though this could only be right for both of us). Of course I still loved him but I also had my heart broken so wanted to heal it more than anything. And I was, slowly healing it. At that point I went to therapy, (!!!very important for girls who may be in same situation!!!) every week I was finding out it was my responsibility for a relationship to break, my therapist didn't know the syndrome and at the end of the day did more harm to me ...) she was focusing on what Ive done wrong and what could I have done better, made me believe we only meet ourselves in a relationship and also that we can "heal each other" I can heal my "insecurities which I obviously have" and he can "heal his fear of closeness".

 

(Wait a minute I was never insecure, needy, or clingy, everything but that..). 6 months into therapy and friendship with Adrian I accepted his invitation to his birthday. I was very nervous but also missed him like crazy and wanted to feel his love again..especially now when I know it was all my fault... I knew he was inviting me to get me back. It was just me and him. I was still very unsure so I have done sth Id never do.. I went to his mailbox "sent" and typed in "marta" to just only see if and how he speaks about me to others so I know what his actions are and not words/promises he lays for me. the only mail which had my name in it (it was past our break-up) was this

 

" Sorry to hear that your Germany horse trail blazing escapades finally caught up to you. But, as you said, sometimes its easier to face the truth without having to actually face it. Having other forces do our dirty work for us, seems always the easier and more honest way out.

I feel your pain mate......

After 4 years of denial, I finally ended things with Marta. It all got too difficult. She wanted something that I never really was willing to give, but kinda kept on leading her down the magical garden path.

So, I do kinda feel for you mate.

But...on a lighter note..."

 

I felt this dizziness all over again, I threw up and lied down waiting for him to come back from work. I remember being completely numb, couldn't even walk to the bathroom. My entire life was a FAKE. I still didn't know back then about CP and treated his actions like actions from normal person, I thought If he wrote that he must simply be a monster. When he came back I told him Im leaving and confronted him abut an email. He completely fell into pieces., I have never seen him like that before, he cried and wouldn't let me leave he begged to listen to him, explained it was before he realized how he loves me, he then confessed infidelity before we broke up and everything he's done wrong and apologized for it again saying he doesn't expect anything but forgiveness.

 

He was shattered, and I thought if he has the courage to say all this and open himself up that is a BIG change. My therapist thought so 2... I got back with him after couple months of "feeling him out" and making sure Im seeing actions and not listening to words. The next 2 years were the best time. He was changing and showing it, committing to more and more, (and as Ive also learned how to set boundaries we were finally "a normal happy healthy relationship + still passionate and in love). he even took his doughtier (after discussing it with me) to live with him/us, he'd call and book my flights to visit him when he was working abroad (when before it was always a chance to cheat on his wife), he'd enjoy being together like nothing else and he'd always put me 1st.

 

We became friends with his doughtier and she told me she never saw him loving her mum and she's happy to now finally see her dad loving someone so much, His sister called me from far Australia to tell me he's madly in love and I have to come visit. I was in. For real. My true love had transformed the guy. He did make all of the effort and we were wonderful. After an amaaaazing week we spent in winyard in Asutria (3 of us me him and his daughter) He said its time for all of us (him, his kids and me) go and visit family in Australia.I knew he wasn't a fan of marriage so I was ok with informal relationship, he was (and I was too) extremely grateful for meeting each other and being so happy 2gether. He started calling less. For short while I was making fun of it and asking if he's "freaking out again", he'd deny and try calling more often. week before leaving to australia he picked a huge fight.

 

I thought he was drunk as it was after a party so kinda ignored it but already started feeling knots. When he didn't call next day I knew what was going on, I sent him a message saying he's a total schmock. he called and said nothing is going on, he doesn't understand where is this coming from and I am obviously more nervous about meeting his parents than he is... I thought - omg, he might be right. 3 days later we were on the plane with entire family. for 30 hrs flight he was pushing and pulling me emotionally. By then I knew this is an ugly beast rearing its head again but had nowhere to hide or escape... Still all this was hurting badly.. I was at the other end of the planet at his parents house with his kids, parents, sister, her family and he just couldn't stand being in the same room with me.

 

I thought I was going to die. I was crying non stop. He (ou of guilt I suppose) said we should go and spent some time together, we took a 3 day trip which was an absolute torture. He had emotionally beaten me up unconscious. he'd pick on me about everything, I have a problem with his son, I have insecurities, I want 100%, finally - I do not surf. Couldn't stand it so left to Sydney for couple days. Next day after I came back we were leaving back to europe. It was THE worst 3 weeks of my life. After we came back he tried making an effort, but I just confronted him calmly, asked if he was ever going to marry me, he said yes but theres times when were great and times when were not, I didn't listen to him anymore,

 

I knew what each answer really means and I stayed 2 days with him as he unblocked in a way it was at least possible to speak with him again (which wasn't the case in Asutralia). We were close, and far, but mostly close, for me it was goodbye and I think he knew. When he'd put me on the train he walked away looking almost handicapped. couldn't walk, he was half smaller than he is, I think the guilt and misery was smashing him.

 

I came back and was relatively ok till I found out he already whilst in Australia was planning a visit to Indonesia to another young girl.. out of the blue he offered her to come (I suppose they could have a one night stand when she was still leaving in europe, before me) He'd leave his doughter alone for 3 weeks and change his work plans to go and see her... I feel sick to the stomach. This was all last week.

 

He called couple days ago trying to "quick fix" things, I asked him to not call me again. I have blocked him on email, viber, Skype, fbook, everything, I will not know if he's trying to contact me or not. For the 1st time I don't care.

 

 

 

Now.. Im here cause for the 1st time in my life I feel I desperately need support from someone who may have been in similar situation and can tell from their experience there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have now read the book (Men wh can't love) and have great understanding of his sad condition. I decided to stop therapy and Id strongly advise you to do the same if your therapist isn't familiar with this phobia (and the book). I am 34 now.. I think Im not pretty enough, intelligent enough, funny enough (and so on). I am left devastated with batted self esteem. (Im afraid therapy has a lot to do with it.. I would not get back with him after he cheated if it wasn't for therapist telling me its my fault).

 

The end result is I have completely lost MYSELF and I don't know if Ill ever be the same person again. Its even more painful than the break up, and when you get married, have kids, sth didn't work out, you learned sth, you have kids, you were in sth real. With CP - I feel I have WASTED 1/5 of my adult life and theres nothing I can do about it.

 

I am suffering enormously but I want to be myself again as I was years ago.. This man had destroyed everything that was very core of me and I have let him do that. That is why I feel ashamed I have let myself down. Please help me if you had similar experience. thank you.

Edited August 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BC1980]

You aren't going to get a lot of responses due to the length of your post, but I did read some of it.

 

Don't get involved with a married man because they usually have emotional baggage and are not fully available. The second you found out he was married, you should have bolted. I don't care what kind of excuse someone gives, he/she needs to finalize the divorce and tie up the loose ends before getting involved with someone else.

 

I have to ask WHY you would be with someone for 8 years who couldn't commit to you? You sound like you have terrible self-esteem from reading the end of this post.

 

This guy sounds emotionally damaged. You can call it commitment phobia if you want, but it doesn't really matter how you label it in the end. He cheated on his wife and on you, so there's a pattern. He honestly sounds terrible.

 

Here's my advice. Don't focus on WHY he did what he did. Don't get wrapped up in his mind because it sounds like a crazy place to be. Focus on yourself, and get another therapist. You need to build up your self-esteem and find you again.

[marta1981]

Thank you for reading and sharing a word of advice.

I am aware of all that.

To answer your Q's - I realize this does not justify anything and Im having hard time understanding my own actions but looking back I think I was just young/immature/unaware/living in a fantasy. I thought I met a love of my life and I bought into "I never loved my wife/we're separated for years" BS. Yes. I should have known better.

Why did I spend nearly 8 years? He was making progress and I believed it might be difficult for a man after divorce to jump into another marriage straight away. I did see red flags, made a decision to leave and went for therapy with desire to move on on work on whatever was wrong with me (which I couldn't deny). After 6 months of therapy I stared to think/believe it was all my fault and at the same time he wouldn't give up fighting his way back in. I decided to give it another try.

Im not wondering/thinking about what's in his head. Im here cause I simply hope to get "there is hope after such devastating relationship" from someone who may have had similar experience. This is because one thing I cannot stop thinking about is that I completely wasted years and years sticking around and I bet it'll take years to fully recover. Thank you again.

[BC1980]

Im here cause I simply hope to get "there is hope after such devastating relationship" from someone who may have had similar experience. This is because one thing I cannot stop thinking about is that I completely wasted years and years sticking around and I bet it'll take years to fully recover. Thank you again.

 

I definitely understand the feeling of wasting years with someone who couldn't give you what you wanted. It is completely normal to feel that way after a relationship ends, and I think that most people feel the same way. I can certainly relate because I was with a man for 3 years (from age 29-32) who kept promising marriage, and, of course, he did not come through, which is why I am here. I was also very caught up in the idea that he would change even when there was ample evidence to suggest that he was not interested in following through and committing. He would always do just enough to keep me hoping. He would say just enough or make just enough of a commitment to keep me on a leash.

 

Don't be too harsh on yourself, but do try to understand why you stayed for so long. I did love my ex, but I stayed too long due to self-esteem issues. There is hope, but it's a long road to dig yourself out. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Find yourself a good therapist, and focus on yourself.

 

When was the last time you talked to him? The first step is to cut any type of contact with him.

[KaliLove]

He showed you exactly what kind of person he is and you blatantly ignored all of that and chose to see him through rose colored glasses.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but I'm having trouble mustering up much sympathy for someone who knowingly dated a guy who was married with kids. 25 is old enough to know better.

 

I hope you'll go back to therapy if you're not currently in it.

[ExpatInItaly]

He showed you exactly what kind of person he is and you blatantly ignored all of that and chose to see him through rose colored glasses.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but I'm having trouble mustering up much sympathy for someone who knowingly dated a guy who was married with kids. 25 is old enough to know better.

 

I hope you'll go back to therapy if you're not currently in it.

 

All of this. OP, you willingly took part in this drama. You knew he was bad news from the word "go" and you lowered your expectations and standards to get attention from this manipulative cheat. Instead of asking yourself why he behaved the way he did, you should really be examining why you behaved the way you did. Why did you go after a married man? Why did you accept crappy treatment from him? Why did you waste so much of your time on this doomed arrangement?

 

I don't mean to crucify you, but you need to stop playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. I imagine what his (ex-)wife feels is a hell of a lot worse than you can ever imagine. Be thankful you never married this loser.

Edited August 30, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[travelbug1996]

You can't change the past all you can do is learn from it. You have to stay off Fantasy Island where married men promise you the world. Going forward make a promise to yourself to never even speak to a man that's married let alone entertain the idea that he's a suitor.

 

Don't beat yourself up. A lot of women have fell in love with a married man that has told them all the things they want to hear.

 

Judge a man by his actions ONLY never his words. Feelings change but consistent actions will tell you everything.

 

You're just a typical woman that wants to be loved lie the rest of us. The thing is though we have to love ourselves first and foremost.

 

Simple but not easy. ((((HUGS)))

[Itspointless]

she was focusing on what Ive done wrong and what could I have done better, made me believe we only meet ourselves in a relationship and also that we can "heal each other"

A therapist who tells you that you can heal other people? I guess that wasn't a licensed psychologist than? Although with a secure partner people can become more secure themselves. You both were definitely not secure though.

 

I understand that it is hard to part from someone who pushes away as he probably was in the beginning the sweetest person you ever met. People can be addictive, but was it really due to what your therapist said that you stayed with him? He sounds like an major ass to me, someone who justifies wrongs because he feels entitled to. I very much dislike that kind of people, women as well as men. I also agree with ExpatInItaly that he was manipulative.

I have to ask WHY you would be with someone for 8 years who couldn't commit to you? You sound like you have terrible self-esteem from reading the end of this post.

 

This guy sounds emotionally damaged. You can call it commitment phobia if you want, but it doesn't really matter how you label it in the end. He cheated on his wife and on you, so there's a pattern. He honestly sounds terrible.

[...] Focus on yourself, and get another therapist. You need to build up your self-esteem and find you again.

^^^ this.

You're just a typical woman that wants to be loved lie the rest of us. The thing is though we have to love ourselves first and foremost.

I see no difference here for women than for men. Except that more women are anxiously attached than men.