NC day 5, she reached out

[CalvinM]

Well, it was only a matter of time.. she's in Europe for 3 weeks, we broke up before she left and I decided to immediately do Nc to move past the break up.

 

For full context see here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/485912-i-think-we-can-define-together

 

Nc five days in.

 

she messaged me this afternoon:

Her "Allo. Good timing for chatting, there is WiFi at the hotel. How are you/what are you up to today?"

Me "I'm good, doing some design work. How's the trip?"

Her "Good so far, on the quiet side. The weather is pretty much perfect."

Photo sent of red thatched roofs (she knows I love architecture/cityscapes, so I have a feeling it was sent to pull on my heart strings)

Her "We are in Porto now."

Me "Wow. That's incredible. I love the red clay roofs"

Her "How are you feeling?"

Me "good, I've keeping busy"

Her "I'm feeling okay, a bit lonely/reflective. Getting back to work wasn't too rough?"

(I ignored her breadcrumbs)

Her "The roofs are insane here and the ceilings in churches/palaces/monuments are not bad either."

Me "Please feel free to send more photos, I'd love to see the city views."

(keeping it light, not discussing the relationship)

Her "Let's keep in touch/chat while I'm traveling and see how it goes.."

Her "I'll talk to you tomorrow or Friday (I think she meant Saturday) XX"

Me "ok, bonne nuit x"

[Simon Phoenix]

Not smart. And you didn't ignore any breadcrumbs; you just gobbled up a whole mess of them. All you are doing right now is letting her use you to get over you and make her feel comfortable with the breakup. I'm doubting you are ready to be her platonic buddy, so this approach has disaster written all over it.

[frigginlost]

Bad, bad move...

 

You just improved her vacation 10 fold. She knows she has you hooked, so she is free to jump in bed with anyone condom or not and you will be right there waiting when she gets back.

 

Fall off the face of the earth and be a ghost right now. Show her you have some dignity.

[CalvinM]

That's not true at all.

 

I didn't break no contact, she did. I kept things light/didn't mention the relationship and have been talking to other women over the past week.

 

I'm open to a reconciliation, what I'm not open to is friends or fwb.

[CalvinM]

**** her.

How eloquent. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

[Simon Phoenix]

That's not true at all.

 

I didn't break no contact, she did. I kept things light/didn't mention the relationship and have been talking to other women over the past week.

 

I'm open to a reconciliation, what I'm not open to is friends or fwb.

 

She didn't break your No Contact, you did by responding. No Contact means no communication of any kind and no checking up on social media. What you did was very counterproductive when it comes to reconciliation or recovery. You are making her comfortable in breaking up with you because she can use you as a safety net and moral support. She can't miss you if you don't go away.

 

No Contact is an individual thing, not a team thing. She can't break your No Contact, only you can. And you did, badly.

[CalvinM]

The reality is, in most cases no contact (or NC as it's often referred to on here) isn't the solution to a breakup where one or both parties are open to getting back together. NC is only useful after a breakup with little to no chance of reconciliation.

 

In my case, knowing that my ex is the type who will reflect on things, I know giving her space, not begging her for another chance and avoiding relationship talk is the best option.

 

She reached out to me after 5 days of NC and despite what I've read on here to the contrary, replying to her was my best course. I've given her time to miss me, but in talking over the past week, I've also dropped subtle hints that I'm having fun with friends and getting my life on track. That puts me in an attractive light, but it also puts me in a better position for a future relationship (with her or someone else).

 

At this point, I think of her as a friend, with the potential of something more if she's open to it. If she isn't, then I decide whether fwb is enough. If it isn't, I walk.

 

In the past week, we've talked about her trip, her sisters new baby and avoided talking about the relationship as much as possible.

 

No two breakups are the same, and while majority of advice on here comes with good intentions, I've come to realize some of it just doesn't apply.

Edited August 31, 2014 by CalvinM

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Denial: Not just a river in Egypt :/

[Ordinaryday]

I dont get why some people come on here asking for advice and when they get a majority opinion (go NC) they choose to ignore it saying that while NC applies to other people it DOESNT apply to them.

 

I certainly REFUSE to have low contact or ANY contact with any of the women who dumped me, and I mean ANY- once I bumped into a dumper at a party and she tried to make some small talk with me and I flat out ignored her, didnt say a word to her - I have not one second of time for someone who dumped me.

 

she wants to be "just friends" with you to ease her guilt - geez, after dumping you she is treating herself to a holiday, what does that say?? seriously, either go complete NC or tell her once "Im not interested in being just friends with you. dont contact me unless it is about reconciling"

 

there is nothing else to do

[Simon Phoenix]

The reality is, in most cases no contact (or NC as it's often referred to on here) isn't the solution to a breakup where one or both parties are open to getting back together. NC is only useful after a breakup with little to no chance of reconciliation.

 

In my case, knowing that my ex is the type who will reflect on things, I know giving her space, not begging her for another chance and avoiding relationship talk is the best option.

 

She reached out to me after 5 days of NC and despite what I've read on here to the contrary, replying to her was my best course. I've given her time to miss me, but in talking over the past week, I've also dropped subtle hints that I'm having fun with friends and getting my life on track. That puts me in an attractive light, but it also puts me in a better position for a future relationship (with her or someone else).

 

At this point, I think of her as a friend, with the potential of something more if she's open to it. If she isn't, then I decide whether fwb is enough. If it isn't, I walk.

 

In the past week, we've talked about her trip, her sisters new baby and avoided talking about the relationship as much as possible.

 

No two breakups are the same, and while majority of advice on here comes with good intentions, I've come to realize some of it just doesn't apply.

 

Five days isn't enough time for her to miss you. Hell, five weeks isn't enough time. And if I had a dollar for every poster who has typed the "no two breakups are the same" rhetoric, I'd be pretty darn rich. Unfortunately, your breakup is not a unique snowflake and what you are doing is just not the least bit intelligent. But some people have to walk on glass barefoot to realize how much it hurts.

[BC1980]

The reality is, in most cases no contact (or NC as it's often referred to on here) isn't the solution to a breakup where one or both parties are open to getting back together. NC is only useful after a breakup with little to no chance of reconciliation.

 

In my case, knowing that my ex is the type who will reflect on things, I know giving her space, not begging her for another chance and avoiding relationship talk is the best option.

 

She reached out to me after 5 days of NC and despite what I've read on here to the contrary, replying to her was my best course. I've given her time to miss me, but in talking over the past week, I've also dropped subtle hints that I'm having fun with friends and getting my life on track. That puts me in an attractive light, but it also puts me in a better position for a future relationship (with her or someone else).

 

At this point, I think of her as a friend, with the potential of something more if she's open to it. If she isn't, then I decide whether fwb is enough. If it isn't, I walk.

 

In the past week, we've talked about her trip, her sisters new baby and avoided talking about the relationship as much as possible.

 

No two breakups are the same, and while majority of advice on here comes with good intentions, I've come to realize some of it just doesn't apply.

 

I know you feel your situation is different, but it isn't. I'm sorry. I was there too at one point. NC is the best course of action, which you will come to realize over time. If you actually want any chance of reconciliation, she will have to believe she has truly lost you, which means that you drop completely off the radar.

 

What you are doing now is allowing her to ease out of the relationship with minimal guilt. You are right. No two breakups are the same, but. . . . people behave in strikingly similar ways, regardless of the situation.

[Polak]

NC, NC, NC. It requires a solid willpower as well as a consistently strict adherence to policy to make it effective. Why are you ignoring the advice of the majority? Trust us, we've been through this **** before. NC is the best way to go. Don't get used.

[lauri]

Dude...

 

Do you honestly believe the decisions you made to respond to her helped your chances to get back with her? That conversation was so lame / safe it made me cringe.

 

Are you okay with her breaking up with you and not being with you? Because with your responses it clearly seems that way. She ended it with you and you are sitting around "being there" for her, which by the way is extremely unattractive, and think that you are making her realize breaking up with you was a mistake? You say your ex takes time to reflect on thing....that means she must have been reflecting a significantly long time (probably 2-3 months) before finally ending it with you. 5 days of NC is not going to change her mind...if anything, by her speaking to you again, you are reassuring her she made the right choice. With you disappearing, she has no way to be 100% sure she did the right thing.

 

So now your ex thinks that you are okay with the break up because you are responding, that she can get you back because you are still around and most importantly, that you do not hate her at all. NC is a tool to help you heal and make the sound decision when the time comes. You aren't allowing yourself enough time to heal and you are way too available for her.

 

Your situation is nothing new / different...I'm sorry to say, every time you speak to her / contact her, you're digging yourself deeper into a hole you won't be able to get out of.

[Ordinaryday]

Dude...

 

Do you honestly believe the decisions you made to respond to her helped your chances to get back with her? That conversation was so lame / safe it made me cringe.

 

Are you okay with her breaking up with you and not being with you? Because with your responses it clearly seems that way. She ended it with you and you are sitting around "being there" for her, which by the way is extremely unattractive, and think that you are making her realize breaking up with you was a mistake? You say your ex takes time to reflect on thing....that means she must have been reflecting a significantly long time (probably 2-3 months) before finally ending it with you. 5 days of NC is not going to change her mind...if anything, by her speaking to you again, you are reassuring her she made the right choice. With you disappearing, she has no way to be 100% sure she did the right thing.

 

So now your ex thinks that you are okay with the break up because you are responding, that she can get you back because you are still around and most importantly, that you do not hate her at all. NC is a tool to help you heal and make the sound decision when the time comes. You aren't allowing yourself enough time to heal and you are way too available for her.

 

Your situation is nothing new / different...I'm sorry to say, every time you speak to her / contact her, you're digging yourself deeper into a hole you won't be able to get out of.

 

The dumper needs to be prepared to lose the dumpee COMPLETELY, 100%. quite a few dumpers give some half assed offer of being 'just friends' with the dumpee so they can keep them on the side to:

 

1) ease their guilt. if the dumpee agrees to being just friends then their cant be any hard feelings right? this completely alleviates their guilt.

2) continue to receive the benefits they got out of the relationship while giving nothing back. people often receive 'benefits' from their romantic partner (emotional support, guidance, financial help, etc) and maybe the dumper has come to rely on these things and even though they dont want to be with you they still want the benefits - by remaining in limited contact with them they hope to keep getting them while giving NOTHING back.

3) to keep the dumpee as a backup/fall back option, they feel safe knowing that no matter what the dumpee is always 'there' for them.

 

I have told all my dumpers that it is all or nothing - if they choose to dump me we are NEVER going to speak again, no ifs, buts, or maybes.

 

they all agree to it and then a few (not all) contact me down the line apparently belieivng that I didnt mean it when I said it.

 

OP dont let her walk all over you, be firm

[CalvinM]

I dont get why some people come on here asking for advice and when they get a majority opinion (go NC) they choose to ignore it saying that while NC applies to other people it DOESNT apply to them.

 

I certainly REFUSE to have low contact or ANY contact with any of the women who dumped me, and I mean ANY- once I bumped into a dumper at a party and she tried to make some small talk with me and I flat out ignored her, didnt say a word to her - I have not one second of time for someone who dumped me.

 

she wants to be "just friends" with you to ease her guilt - geez, after dumping you she is treating herself to a holiday, what does that say?? seriously, either go complete NC or tell her once "Im not interested in being just friends with you. dont contact me unless it is about reconciling"

 

there is nothing else to do

Probably because a bunch of you try to bully people into thinking your advice is end all be all.

 

It isn't.

[Ordinaryday]

Probably because a bunch of you try to bully people into thinking your advice is end all be all.

 

It isn't.

 

no one ever said it was. but do you want genuine advice from people who have already been in a similar situation to you, genuine advice about what worked for them... or do you want people agreeing with you??

 

sorry, it sounds like you want the latter.

[Simon Phoenix]

Probably because a bunch of you try to bully people into thinking your advice is end all be all.

 

It isn't.

 

Then why would you come to an advice website if you are going to ignore said advice? What's the point? I just don't get people who come on websites like this when they aren't willing to have an open mind and listen to what people have to say. You're better off clumsily trying to figure it out yourself than getting all worked up on sites like this because people aren't telling you what you want to hear.

 

No one is trying to bully you -- we're trying to protect you from making the same rookie mistakes that we made. If you choose to ignore that and get angry, that's your perogative, but we're trying to stop you from taking a knife into a gunfight. Because that's exactly what you are doing right now. But if you know more than everyone -- which you seem to think you do -- then I guess do your thing man. We'll be here when you are actually ready to process the advice given.

[mtnbiker3000]

Kool-aid anyone???

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Probably because a bunch of youa try to bully people into thinking your advice is end all be all.

 

It isn't.

 

If you know eveything, why are you coming to an advice site? Honest question.

 

You are dealing with people who have seen it ALL, but you dont want to listen. Thats fine, just dont expect anything differnt when it doesnt work.

[CalvinM]

That's precious. Did I say I know everything?

 

There's a reason this site has multiple threads with multiple opinions. Some strategies work better than others. I read a few and apply what I learn.

 

When things blow up in my face, I make a mental note. Blocking someone out and going on NC works in certain cases. I don't think at this point is necessarily applies here. My ex and I are still on really good terms and neither of us cheated, she hasn't moved on (still wants to see me when I come to Montréal), and we're both into each other, but the distance and my lack of French/work schedule is making a relationship difficult for her.

 

There's really no reason to act all crusty. I read what you posted and applied what I think will work to my situation.

[CalvinM]

Then why would you come to an advice website if you are going to ignore said advice? What's the point? I just don't get people who come on websites like this when they aren't willing to have an open mind and listen to what people have to say. You're better off clumsily trying to figure it out yourself than getting all worked up on sites like this because people aren't telling you what you want to hear.

 

No one is trying to bully you -- we're trying to protect you from making the same rookie mistakes that we made. If you choose to ignore that and get angry, that's your perogative, but we're trying to stop you from taking a knife into a gunfight. Because that's exactly what you are doing right now. But if you know more than everyone -- which you seem to think you do -- then I guess do your thing man. We'll be here when you are actually ready to process the advice given.

I'm not ignoring it. I read every word in this thread. That doesn't necessarily mean I have to agree with it all.

 

I've been on here for a year and a half. I've read most of the threads I feel apply to my situation and evaluated/adapted them to my situation.

 

If you're rebuilding a car, would you grab any book on car restoration, or would you buy one on your specific manufacturer/model?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

That's precious. Did I say I know everything?

 

There's a reason this site has multiple thyourself. multiple opinions. Some strategies work better than others. I read a few and apply what I learn.

 

When things blow up in my face, I make a mental note. Blocking someone out and going on NC works in certain cases. I don't think at this point is necessarily applies here. My ex and I are still on really good terms and neither of us cheated, she hasn't moved on (still wants to see me when I come to Montréal), and we're both into each other, but the distance and my lack of French/work schedule is making a relationship difficult for her.

 

There's really no reason to act all crusty. I read what you posted and applied what I think will work to my situation.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she would be. This whole "Shes into me still, but its difficult" line is lying to yourself.

 

No one being salty. Everyone is telling you the same thing, but you're not wanting to listen. Again, do what you want but dont be shocked when it doesnt work. You were already being short with people when it comes to NC.... you dont want to listen, then why post here?

[CalvinM]

You've got to see you're being a bit hypocrital here telling me not to be so defensive. The only difference here is I'm not taking what you say personally.

 

You gave your advice and I don't agree with it, so where's the problem?

[Ordinaryday]

You've got to see you're being a bit hypocrital here telling me not to be so defensive. The only difference here is I'm not taking what you say personally.

 

You gave your advice and I don't agree with it, so where's the problem?

 

no one has any problem here. people have advised you about what has worked, and not worked, for them in similar situations. they have advised you about what commonly fails in this situation, which is remaining in contact with the dumper and being there for them which just makes you look a little pathetic to them.

 

you are free to take people's advice, or to not take it. the choice is completely yours. if you dont take people's advice and it goes bad for you, you cant say you werent warned, but again, that is your choice.

[herself]

I'm not ignoring it. I read every word in this thread. That doesn't necessarily mean I have to agree with it all.

 

I've been on here for a year and a half. I've read most of the threads I feel apply to my situation and evaluated/adapted them to my situation.

 

If you're rebuilding a car, would you grab any book on car restoration, or would you buy one on your specific manufacturer/model?

 

Why have you been on a breakup site for a year and a half?

Is it that deep down you know there are issues but your hanging on to hope it will get better, you can change, she will somehow come to the realization she wants you?

She broke up with you...she shouldn't have some one to come back to.

You shouldn't be there waiting. I think you might kind of know this but its REAL hard to let go.

But see..you didnt let go...she did. Now she needs to feel the void and impact of her decision.

Shes lonely? Reflective? Let her take her lonely Reflective time to see she lost the best guy because she was stupid. Let her FEEL how she messed up. The friendly chit chat has to stop.