Is she really sorry? Going NC for once and all

[Magnet]

Hi guys. I'm new to these forums. Hope you can give me some advice or just kind of listen and encourage me if I'm doing the right thing. Or for those who are going through hard times too.

 

Here's my story- was with her for nearly 3 years.We lived together for one year and a half.

 

One day in April she came and woke me up and said she was leaving.

I was devastated but accepted her reasons why she wanted to end things- but I remained convinced I could change and prove her wrong.

 

So we didn't take a clean break and kept in touch and kept seeing each other and we got back together from April to recently- and I don't regret it- these were some of the best memories. We were even talking about getting married and having children in the not distant future. But there were still problems- I was feeling majorly insecure and acting needy. She was blowing hot and cold, kind and cruel especially in public. And I still had that short temper in the mornings... And it hurt terribly when she told me some home truths about how other people perceived me and my grouchy temper and said that I didn't represent her.

 

I made a huge effort to make it up and she was surprised at how many people were saying how different I was. But that was when I was feeling detached and myself and confident....

 

Then just before I'm about to go on holiday with my mates last month, I have a bad morning again and snap/swear at her and then it just spirals out of control, she snaps and says she's had enough.

 

I panic and go all clingy and desperate and text her all night.

 

It doesn't help. She ends it via text when I'm on holiday (she is with her family on holiday too by now)

 

We go to and fro. She says that she's had enough of my short temper and she thinks I need to address the underlying issues. (I agree that I need to sort out my depression and anger management)

 

She says she still loves me but she needs to be herself and she can't "care" for me anymore.

 

I go last ditch. I surprise her when she gets back from the airport. Held up a sign with "WELCOME BACK her name" written on it and all that. Closure, reconciliation, whatever was I thinking?! Just needed to see the expression on her face and give her a memory she would never forget. Big mistake. She could have not been less enthusiastic.

 

We go back to hers, chat and it's clear that it's awkward as hell and she wants it to finish, we cry hug and all that. I leave. It's finished.

 

She panics, texts me saying she can't go to sleep until she knows I'm ok.

 

I cave in and reply yeah I'm ok. She doesn't reply. I go NC after that. That was August 1st.

 

Until about 2 weeks later, I think I'm okay and ask her about exchanging stuff. Big mistake again. She goes hey ok she will check when she has the time.

 

And then...... Nothing for 2 more weeks until last Saturday in fact, she finally replies:

 

Her- "Ive cleaned out my room. I've found your tshirt your blah blah blah do you want to meet to get it?"

 

I don't reply as I'm having a good weekend and don't want to spoil it.

Then yesterday- another message from her AGAIN-

 

Her- "Hope you had a good weekend. if you prefer I can meet you this week to give your clothes as I'm going on holiday next week x"

 

Me- "Hi there yeah I got your message on Saturday.Thanks that would be best. Meet Thursday?"

 

Her- "Sure! Did you have a good weekend? Go to the carnival?"

 

At this point I know I can't do this friends thing and I can't meet her. Honestly I don't care about my clothes. I just want to be done with it.

 

So I change my mind. I don't care about backtracking or losing face.

 

Me- "Look lets just drop it. I'm not bothered about clothes I don't even miss anymore. You can give the keys to mutual friend they won't mind passing it over. Let's leave it at that."

 

Her- "Huh what's your problem?

 

Then

 

"Sorry that came out harsh. What ever you want to do is cool."

 

Me-

"My problem is I thought I could be friendly but I can't and it just creates more pain. I realised today I was just using the clothes as an excuse to see you again. I just want to draw a line under things. I have to do what is best for me and continue moving on with my life."

 

Then I SWEAR THAT IS IT- I WILL GO NC FOR ONCE AND ALL.

 

Then this morning I get this message from her:

 

"Ok I respect your wishes. I hope in time we can be friendly, the last thing I want is not to be.

I don't want any more pain either- it's not easy for me either. There's so much either of us has to say but I guess less means more.

You've gotta do what's best for you, like I did what's best for me. I'm sorry. x"

 

I haven't replied and I won't. At first I was like that's nice then I thought actually she doesn't need to be sorry, because I'M NOT sorry!! What is she really sorry for? I don't want her sympathy.

 

And I don't have anything more I want to say so why is she assuming that I do? She has so much to say? Well I don't!

 

Anyway that's what's happened so far.....

 

I guess what I'm saying is- I'll go total NC from here. I know I can and I'm confident.

And I know I don't want her back. The thought just exhausts me and makes me ill. In fact my health has plummeted since Saturday and not surprised if it's because I've got back in contact.

 

If she does a total 180 that still wouldn't change things probably. I'm leaving a thin thin sliver just because of the possibility I might undergo a radical personality change (!!!) but apart from that I really don't think so.

 

But need a safe place where I can post if she gets in touch again or does something silly at work- we work in the same company (but different departments) so bump ins are pretty much guaranteed but not afraid of that. It won't kill me and it shall pass.

 

Magnet

[Magnet]

Right just to say I made it to Day 2 of NC.

 

Have deleted her number.

 

I'll admit I'm still a bit ??? by her saying

"There is so much either of us has to say but I guess less is more".

 

I think it's just meaningless filler as if she had something to say she would say it.

 

I am SORELY tempted to reply:

 

"Don't need to be sorry as I'm not sorry. And please don't assume that I've got so much to say- because I don't. Thank you and goodnight."

 

But that would just give her the satsification and knowledge that I'm pissed, right??

 

Silence is golden right?

[Feelbettersoon]

She couldn't have changed that quick.

 

Keep your distance for a while, continue not talking and wait till 30 days pass. By then, with me anyway the sting of breaking up was gone, and you can think rationally then

[lostsoul6486]

Silence is golden. I learned that the hard way.

[Magnet]

UPDATE:

 

Made it to Day 3 of NC!

 

But.... She left my keys on my desk as we work at the same place.

 

Then we walked by each other in the corridor. She gave me a small 'alright' smile I totally blanked her.

 

Ten minutes later she sends a series of angry messages:

 

"I'm sorry what was that?

Can you please be civil at work? I'm really not sure what your problem is, we both have to work in the same company. Why you reacting like this?

Whatever your feelings are towards me you can at least look me in the eye.

Honestly can we be mature about this please?"

 

THEN

 

"I don't think anyone in our situation wants to face an ex partner at work.

But yes we both work at the same place and yes there might be times when we're out at the same event.

That's all I have to say I guess.

I'm not saying we have to talk but how you just acted just then, I'm sorry but it's ridiculous.

I'm not going to argue with you and I actually thought we could be civil with one another.

If you want to act like this- then be my guest.

Take care"

 

THEN

 

"Life is too short to be angry at one another. I really hope that what we've learnt and experienced from one another over the relationship doesn't end in hatred. That's the last thing I want to happen.anyway nothing more to say I guess. Bye x"

 

...........

 

Just honestly dude, what does she expect? I don't want to give her anything not even a small smile. I'm not angry I am just protecting myself.

 

Still go NC? I'm on day 3!

 

Why is she so mad I didn't look her in the eye? In my opinion being civil doesn't mean I have to say hello or show I'm "okay" when I' m not?

 

I will talk to her IF I have to but we work for different departments so there is no need to.

[mightycpa]

Stick with the silence.

 

I had a very similar situation. One day, I became indifferent. On that day, I dropped by her desk and told her that I remembered that she was upset that I had been avoiding all contact with her, including eye contact. I told her I did that only because I needed to rid myself of my feelings for her, and seeing her didn't help. Then I said something like: "this morning, when I woke up, I realized that I don't have those feelings for you any longer. I came over here to make sure, and it's true, I'm normal again. Things don't need to be tense or distant any more. I just wanted to let you know. See you later."

 

I thought I'd feel like I got the last dig in. But honestly, I didn't care. Hope you get there soon.

[Gatema]

The texts that your ex sent to you, one after the other, were done so to get a reaction from you. When you didn't respond to the first one, she sent the second one, then the third one, (if what you said was true) the frustration was evident in each one of her texts; she knew her attempts to provoke you in to a conversation with her were not working.

 

Anyone on this planet, that's been in a serious commitment with someone, knows when it comes to an end, that trying to conduct a civil conversation post break up, will almost always, and without a doubt, end in a heated argument.

 

 

From your ex girlfriends's perspective: some contact, is better than, no contact.

[Magnet]

Thanks Gatema and mighty cpa it's much appreciated.

 

UPDATE-

 

I cracked.... I contacted her. After the Friday texts she sent me, I was feeling sad. Went out with friends and had great time. But yesterday I had a breakdown, I had been trying too hard to pretend everything was fine but it came all out.

 

So I wrote to her a email last night to explain a few things- that I couldn't be friendly when I still wasn't over her, that it was unfair of her to expect things to be friendly and that she probably wanted that because it would make it easier and sorry I wouldn't lie to myself, I told her that I could not look at her because I would not love her through a 'glass window' (metaphor).

 

I thought since I was breaking NC I would add a few things too so I knew at least if she died tomorrow I'd said those things- to say I was grateful for the relationship we had and it had taught me so much, and although I accepted we felt differently about being with each other, I accepted that I needed to be alone to learn how to love myself and I accepted responsibility for what I did wrong in the past and I would make it up to myself. I also said that I probably wouldn't be in touch again as I needed to start respecting the new boundaries.

 

I wasn't expecting a reply so quick but she replied an email first thing this morning saying she was sorry about Friday and she felt it was a shock she felt so small and as if she barely knew me. and she said she was gutted it didn't work out and couldn't keep putting in any more effort, she realised that we weren't friends but there was a gap missing in her life. She said at times I was so angry or swore at her (which is true) and that made her sad and she couldn't put up with that. She said she was still angry about giving me a second chance as she really believed it would work and that I kept saying I would do things and improve but didn't put them into reality.

She said she forgives me, I always will have a place in her heart and is not going to dwell on the past because there is no point but she needs to be happy and be herself. She sprinkled her email with small side jokes about how much money she was making at her car boot sale- 6 dollars- slow day lol! 10 dollars now- then at the end P.S I've made 12, 4 more hours to go lol!

 

To be honest I don't know what to make of it....I think she is relieved I contacted her but she isn't budging and over rationalising why she broke up, basically she is telling herself as much as me that it wasn't her fault/ the break up was the right thing to do as it's easier that way for her to believe?

 

And I'm surprised she bit so fast, she replied immediately the next morning. I thought the jokes and lol about the car boot was significant- she is trying to replicate a camaderie..?

[Magnet]

Does she want reconciliation?

 

I don't think she does....

 

Back to Day 1 of NC then....

[Zoe Lilith]

UPDATE:

 

Made it to Day 3 of NC!

 

But.... She left my keys on my desk as we work at the same place.

 

Then we walked by each other in the corridor. She gave me a small 'alright' smile I totally blanked her.

 

Ten minutes later she sends a series of angry messages:

 

"I'm sorry what was that?

Can you please be civil at work? I'm really not sure what your problem is, we both have to work in the same company. Why you reacting like this?

Whatever your feelings are towards me you can at least look me in the eye.

Honestly can we be mature about this please?"

 

THEN

 

"I don't think anyone in our situation wants to face an ex partner at work.

But yes we both work at the same place and yes there might be times when we're out at the same event.

That's all I have to say I guess.

I'm not saying we have to talk but how you just acted just then, I'm sorry but it's ridiculous.

I'm not going to argue with you and I actually thought we could be civil with one another.

If you want to act like this- then be my guest.

Take care"

 

THEN

 

"Life is too short to be angry at one another. I really hope that what we've learnt and experienced from one another over the relationship doesn't end in hatred. That's the last thing I want to happen.anyway nothing more to say I guess. Bye x"

 

...........

 

Just honestly dude, what does she expect? I don't want to give her anything not even a small smile. I'm not angry I am just protecting myself.

 

Still go NC? I'm on day 3!

 

Why is she so mad I didn't look her in the eye? In my opinion being civil doesn't mean I have to say hello or show I'm "okay" when I' m not?

 

I will talk to her IF I have to but we work for different departments so there is no need to.

 

I am embarrassed to admit it, but your ex sound like me a bit (when texting is in question) It seems like she is desperately trying to get you to respond to say anything to her, cos it would be easier for her. Not to mention that, being ignored is a horrible feeling. I've messaged my ex when he dumped me (I was cheated on, lied to and dumped out of the blue)..I was rude, mean, I called him names, then I'd apologise, then beg..disgusting, I know..I never got a reply back! My point is; she might be texting you because she wants to make herself feel better, she is not sorry, she wants to provoke a reaction for you. Stay NC, you're doing a great job so far.

[Magnet]

I am embarrassed to admit it, but your ex sound like me a bit (when texting is in question) It seems like she is desperately trying to get you to respond to say anything to her, cos it would be easier for her. Not to mention that, being ignored is a horrible feeling. I've messaged my ex when he dumped me (I was cheated on, lied to and dumped out of the blue)..I was rude, mean, I called him names, then I'd apologise, then beg..disgusting, I know..I never got a reply back! My point is; she might be texting you because she wants to make herself feel better, she is not sorry, she wants to provoke a reaction for you. Stay NC, you're doing a great job so far.

 

Thanks for your post. Problem is see my update above... I broke NC to send her an email last night. She replied immediately this morning. :/

[ThorntonMelon]

So a few pieces of advice here.

 

1. You are insane with grief right now, I mean out of your freaking mind. We've all been there. You HAVE, I mean, have, to give yourself a 90 day target of NC to get yourself seeing this clearly. Get professional help while you're at that. I promise you, you won't recognize the person you've become in 90 days. Understand that your brain is completely screwed up right now. That scene at the airport, I cringed at it, and yet I know you completely rationalized a scene in a movie where the guy waits for the girl and they kiss and get back together..we've all been there, but use that as an example of why everything you think is right...is wrong.

 

2. She's an attention whore and knows you're an easy mark. She has ZERO intention of getting back with you. The fact that she can be joking about mundane things should be your tell - she's focused on herself feeling better, not your thoughts.

 

Take time for yourself and you'll find the days get better quickly.

[leoc1973]

I know thorton cringed when you did the airport thing but I cringed when you replied to her on that first weekend. She was feeling you out to see if you were either sad or with another girl.

 

Then I cringed again when you caved and emailed her. I think she is shocked that you were handling it so well. She probably had a big long speech or what she was going to do when you were supposed to get your stuff but you didn't even care to see her. I'm sure that confused/frustrated her.

 

Normally I would say that she dumped you and wants to know that she can have you back at any time while she goes and dates other guys. But from what little we know about your relationship I think you both need to be honest with yourselves about who wants who back and then I think you both need to sit down and be honest with each other. You may really love her and she may really love you but neither of you are willing to flinch and say how you feel.

 

I think this breakup is probably your fault but still don't like the idea of anyone playing games with you. Maybe have a talk and tell her you are willing to work on your hissy fits and see a counselor if she is willing to give you another chance.

 

But after that if she still won't budge then you need to let her know exactly how its going to be. You are not friends and you will not be responding to her messages or "eye contact" and tell her that you WILL be moving on.

[Magnet]

So a few pieces of advice here.

 

1. You are insane with grief right now, I mean out of your freaking mind. We've all been there. You HAVE, I mean, have, to give yourself a 90 day target of NC to get yourself seeing this clearly. Get professional help while you're at that. I promise you, you won't recognize the person you've become in 90 days. Understand that your brain is completely screwed up right now. That scene at the airport, I cringed at it, and yet I know you completely rationalized a scene in a movie where the guy waits for the girl and they kiss and get back together..we've all been there, but use that as an example of why everything you think is right...is wrong.

 

2. She's an attention whore and knows you're an easy mark. She has ZERO intention of getting back with you. The fact that she can be joking about mundane things should be your tell - she's focused on herself feeling better, not your thoughts.

 

Take time for yourself and you'll find the days get better quickly.

 

Thanks Thorton I was re-reading her email she sent this morning and the more I read it, I realise I'd thanked her for the relationship but she didn't express any gratitude in her reply. I can picture her typing an email on her mobile while doing a car boot sale....

 

In fact in the email she said she's angry she gave it a second try- but isn't that what people who love each other do? She wanted to get back with me too after the first break up in April and SHE asked me back after 3 months of seeing each other- and broke up again a week after after I had another hissy fit.

 

I very nearly replied to tell her just that but stopped myself....

 

The thing is you're right. I am whacked mentally. I'm exhausted of trying and not feeling good enough. I can't keep saying to her I will change. I remember the second time around, everytime I messed up, I felt on a knife edge as I felt the strain of 'being on form'.

 

Also, I remember the first time we got together. She was having problems with her ex, and she was still in touch with him when we first got together but that stopped soon. In fact the very first night we met she got drunk with me and got him to pick her up from around the corner from my flat, she told him I was just a 'gay friend'. She was very young at that time, just 19, (she is 22 now) but now I'm starting to think it might be an indication of how she treats ex boyfriends.

 

Another thing- a couple of weeks ago there was an annual work day out. She was NOT on a even keel, blowing warm and cold, including saying a couple of spiteful things and even asking me why I hadn't bought her a drink.

 

I have a hidden fear that I don't know who she is really. Maybe I have built up a picture of her that isn't real.

Edited August 31, 2014 by Magnet

[Magnet]

I think you both need to be honest with yourselves about who wants who back and then I think you both need to sit down and be honest with each other. You may really love her and she may really love you but neither of you are willing to flinch and say how you feel.

 

I think this breakup is probably your fault but still don't like the idea of anyone playing games with you. Maybe have a talk and tell her you are willing to work on your hissy fits and see a counselor if she is willing to give you another chance.

 

But after that if she still won't budge then you need to let her know exactly how its going to be. You are not friends and you will not be responding to her messages or "eye contact" and tell her that you WILL be moving on.

 

Yes it's my fault and I acknowledge that. I drove her to a miserable place at times.

 

I admit that I put up a brave face earlier in this thread and said that I didn't want her back. Right now I don't know what I feel. I want her but I don't want to be unhappy or angry to her again.

 

I am very stubborn and so is she. That's why what you said struck a chord...

 

We haven't really had that 'sit down' talk, except after the airport back at her house. The problem is I've already told her I will get counselling help and she has suggested it- for my own good. And we still broke up anyway. She has said she wants me to be an even better person than I am.

 

But from what I remember, she said she is sick of hearing the same things again and again. Hence her being angry that she gave me a second chance- I think in her eyes its a big thing that I made the same mistakes again. I imagine if I sit down with her and say I am getting help (seeing counsellor soon) and I want a THIRD chance, it's no use? Part of me wants to do it but I know the likely outcome- plus I am too messed up right now. I'm burnt out and not in a good place to enjoy a relationship...

 

Oh damn damn damn DAMN.

[Simon Phoenix]

I thought the jokes and lol about the car boot was significant- she is trying to replicate a camaderie..?

 

No. You need to stop talking to her about anything other than work. And looking for a new job would probably be a smart thing to do at this point.

[ThorntonMelon]

So let's focus on the prize here.

 

You of course want her back. The reality is that you right now have emotional problems that cause you to have unacceptable outbursts, and you're absolutely grief-stricken. This does not sound like a good combination for a girlfriend, even if she took you back.

 

Secondly, she likes your attention. Just because you wouldn't ask an ex for attention, this board is loaded with people who's exes reach out to them for an ego stroke. I don't get it either, because I would never do it, but it's pretty damn common. Sucks.

 

You are 6 months from having a chance at being a decent boyfriend to someone and that's if you start therapy like, well, yesterday.

 

If she's meant to be that person, then it's her. But you're no good for anyone right now. So focus on you, get well, and you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel in a few months.

[Magnet]

Thanks Thorton and Simon, especially Thorton's message that I woke up to, really needed to hear that.

 

I'll start again with NC. Day 2 today. Target date 1 December 2014.

 

Getting a new job won't be possible immediately and there are some big projects coming up that I need to see through. However it's definitely something I am considering.

 

I'm feeling angry and frustrated that I broke NC. I wish at least I'd said some more things about how she treated me post BU and got them off my chest.

 

I'll say them here instead.

 

I feel like- she took me back and broke up again just a week after? Huh?

I feel like- she goaded me at the work annual day out? And expected me to buy her a drink?

I feel like- she throws a hissy fit when I won't look her in the eye- and then I EXPLAINED why, I THANKED her for the relationship, and APOLOGISED for my mistakes- yet she replies she is angry she gave me a second chance???

 

Honestly that comment makes me mad. It really just gets to me. She was the one who asked me back and jumped back into my bed in tears.

[Magnet]

I also feel where's her recognition of what I've given her?

 

When I met her she was just wet behind the ears, shy and inexperienced.

 

I taught her to stand up for herself, I taught her how to travel and be independent, I showed her that there was a world out there, taking her to far

flung countries, I gave her a home when she had never lived by herself away from

her parents, I encouraged her to exercise and take up new hobbies (she never did), I was there for her in her dark times. I taught her how to go with the flow instead of planning everything. I encouraged her to discover her dreams and make a list of things she wanted to achieve in life.

 

I told her that she taught me how to plan better and how to be a nicer person and control my emotions better, how to look after myself better, how to lighten up.

 

I don't think I was a bad boyfriend. I was a damn good one in fact apart from my inner demons and emotional outbursts.

[ThorntonMelon]

Just please see a professional. Good luck to you.

[Magnet]

UPDATE: Day #8 of NC.

 

Things are looking up. I did something I never thought I could- I quit smoking!

Eating healthier and feeling so much better. And I've been out and met new people. And saw an ex from 3 years ago (the one before) which was uncanny as it was good to see and realise I was over her and was able to be friends with her.

 

Then yesterday I get another email from my recent ex. She said sorry for getting in touch and wants me to send her the great videos I made of us when we were travelling, says it would be a shame to never see them again and she wants to see them again.

 

I don't think sending them immediately is a good idea. I know if I sent them I secretly would be hoping she watches them and wells up changes her mind and that IS NOT happening.

 

What do you think guys?

[mightycpa]

I think that you should:

 

#1 - Ignore that email

#2 - Auto delete her emails

#3 - Refine your language to reflect what you really want:

 

You don't want her back. Imagine if she reluctantly agreed to be with you, given how she actually feels, but was doing so only out of guilt, or because she thought you're not man enough to handle it. That's not what you want.

 

What you want is for her to somehow change how she feels about you. You want to change reality. The sooner you get your head around that, the sooner you'll begin to heal. The reality is that she can't change how she feels about you any more than you can change how you feel about her. You need to start thinking about that in THOSE terms, because that is your reality. She doesn't share your feelings. She's done.

 

Given that, it should be fairly easy to maintain radio silence. Who wants to be reminded of that? Do you really want to see that in your face? I doubt it.

 

Just ignore her, not to play games, or to make her want you, because if she can be manipulated into that, it won't last. Ignore her for your sake, so that she's not the number one thing on your mind. Every moment you spend thinking about her is wasted, unless you are thinking about how you have some opportunities now that she's gone.

 

It is not easy, but you must begin. I'd suggest you begin right now.

[Magnet]

I think that you should:

 

#1 - Ignore that email

#2 - Auto delete her emails

#3 - Refine your language to reflect what you really want:

 

It is not easy, but you must begin. I'd suggest you begin right now.

 

I did #1 and #2 today.

 

#3 I am working on it.

 

If she texts me I will block her.

 

I begin now. Time to take back my self esteem and give myself the space to heal properly.

I don't want someone back who gave up on me.

 

I'll work on myself to be even greater. She is now the hidden enemy who I cannot hurt anymore and spurs me to achieve even greater things.

 

I will keep strong for myself.

[lauri]

I've read your posts from beginning to end.

 

You were doing so great at the beginning...the NC was driving her insane and she couldn't stand that you weren't responding to her. She couldn't believe that you were strong enough to do that and not even appear to "care".

 

You slipped up a bit by contacting her, but I'm glad you are back onto NC. She is going to do anything to try to get your attention now, anything. Do not send her anything or give her the time of day.

 

Why is she even "remembering" times with you two? You notice how she is trying to make it appear like she misses being with you and wants to remember the good times? She wants to hook you in, to get you to appear weak and say "you miss her / love her" so she can turn the tables on you, get an ego boost and tell you that, in some way or form, she doesn't want to be with you. She wants the upper hand.

 

The only way your ex is going to change her mind is through your silence. Anything you say to her now or do will make you appear weak because you are not healed and you will make mistakes. Don't give her the upper hand - it'll ruin your healing process. You comes first from now on - she is no longer apart of your life. The girl you used to love no longer exists.

[Magnet]

Thanks. It's true I did start well and slipped up with the one email after getting really drunk one night. Guess we've all been there

 

The girl you used to love no longer exists.

 

And neither does the man who used to love her. He no longer exists.

 

One thing that I've been doing recently is cutting off all the things or people that I've been reliant or dependent on to create a comfort bubble for years.

I've quit cigarettes after 12 years of smoking.

I've left my local sports team who were overly reliant on me in terms of organising. I had been carrying them on my shoulder for 3 years.

 

In place, I'm now running and swimming daily. Signing up to marathons etc. Solo sports for going solo. Team sports can wait for now.

 

These things give me courage and self esteem. If I can do these things and quit a nasty, life-controlling habit after 12 years, it just really puts things in perspective. I smoked throughout our relationship. Now I don't. I've changed at least something.

 

All of the dependencies and crutches and props come from a lack of self-esteem: that voice in your head that says you aren't good enough, that you NEED those things.

 

Well not anymore.

 

P.S I refuse to consider whether or just how much she might try to get the upper hand or what she might do; if I do I will allow the ego in the back door, she may leave it alone gracefully or she might do some hurtful spiteful things.

 

I should be prepared that she might actually....if she does it just helps me further to move on.

 

Either way I want nothing further from her and expect just as much.