Broken Engagement :(

[lovebugged]

I was dating my ex-fiance for five years and was engaged for just slightly over a month before finding out he had been engaging with escorts and sleeping with prostitutes behind my back for the past couple of years. Being the egotistical, chauvinistic male that he was, my ex-fiance couldn't bring himself to admit to his mistakes at first. This was what made me really angry. I had every proof I needed but this man had the guts to deny the things he had been up to.

 

Honestly it did not come to me as a shock because somehow I had this hunch that something was not right especially prior to our engagement. Call it the womanly instincts. Previously I had caught him once with an opened tab of an escort website on his phone sometime last year (he did not admit to sleeping with any of course and I gave him benefit of the doubt. I just hated the thought of anyone I knew doing such things, let alone my own then boyfriend!).

 

I am still feeling the hurt, embarrassment and humiliation but I felt it was only right to call off the wedding. It was the ONLY decision to be made. There is no way I would ever allow myself to marry a guy who was aware of all the bad decisions he had made and was still defensive upon being confronted. On top of being a lying, conniving cheat, he couldn't even admit his mistakes.

 

There are days where I feel like, here I am, 26, single and back at square one. But I can honestly say that I have never felt anymore at peace with myself, even if it has only been a month after calling my wedding off.

 

The one thing that this experience has taught me is to never ignore the little red flags. If you feel like something is not right, address those concerns. Talk it out to someone. A relative, a close friend, somebody. Because our instincts are usually always right. My mistake was letting things slip. I am still frustrated that it ended this way and I just really hate my ex-fiance for what he has done to me. I don't think I could ever let go of the pain and embarrassment he has caused and put me through.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Appreciate your words and advice.

[mafia1]

IMO you did the right thing.

Everybody is saying that you should deal with relationship issues yourself but i think it's better to ask other people for their opinion too.

As you love someone you're somehow blinded to see the real reason for some thing. But others aren't.

 

As a man i can say that someone who cares about you and you are going to be married with wouldn't do that things.

If he does them, he is either not loving/caring about you, or he have some mental problems to have a girl/wife to spend sexy time with and instead he choses to do so with hookers...

[lovebugged]

Thank you.

 

If he had owned up (instead of me having to find things out myself) I would have at least felt slightly better that he had wanted to come clean about things. But no, that was never the case. He lied and lied to the very end. I just don't understand why he stayed with me for a very long time and even proposed if he had no plans of actually really 'settling down'.

 

I did talk this out to a couple of guy friends. Some said that it is a norm for men to visit hookers and have "happy ending" massages (my ex-fiance was religiously visiting massage parlours too, especially whenever I was out of town for holiday or work). And that these men would go home to their wives/girlfriends like nothing ever happened.

 

This kind of behaviour in men... Is it actually really normal? It's scary to start dating again if this is the kind of 'normal' that I will be expecting from them

Edited August 27, 2014 by lovebugged

[mafia1]

I don't think that is normal. Neither now nor after 20 years of marriage.

 

I might be old fashioned or normal but my opinion is that when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone else you should be sure about your decision. If you want to be with them - be with them. If you plan to go to massages and hookers don't even bother the other person because she might want to be happy.

 

My gf actually left me for another guy couple of days ago. I'm in a tough place to be too. But does that mean all the girls are like that?

We spend 4 years together and i never ever thought about cheating on her. I can live the choices i've made and when i've chosen to be with her that ment that i'll be only with her.

 

So no, not all men are like that. I assume that not all women are like that too.

 

Don't worry at all.

[Polak]

Definitely not normal. You did the right thing, the sooner you drop completely disloyal people like that, the better. We all learn as we go, some earlier, some later, but the most important thing is that you recognize your mistakes and make a conscious effort to avoid them in the future (like avoiding the red flags). Like mafia1 said, don't worry. You escaped an almost certainly conflicting marriage... I can assume that he would only get worse and more detached as time went on, then you might have to deal with hostility, divorce, or whatever else. Focus your new time on finding a guy who devotes himself to you 100%. You will be so thankful when you find him, so when you catch yourself thinking "I'm 26 and single again".... you are only 26! That's still a prime age for finding someone. Stay positive!

[frigginlost]

Sounds like you have made your own happy ending.

 

Good on you! You did exactly the right thing.

 

I'm 4 weeks out of an off and on relationship with a girl who cheated then lied about not cheating only to admit to cheating when I put the puzzle pieces together and called her out. I tried to work it out, but the lying and deceit started back up again, and I did not hang around to put the puzzle together a second time. Your inner voice is rarely wrong...

 

Life is too darn short. It hurts like hell, but we all survive...

 

Great job!

Edited August 27, 2014 by frigginlost

[mightycpa]

I have some married pals who do that. Mostly, they are in search of release that they can't get at home.

 

A girl has three inputs. Some guys like to use all three. Others, only two. A few can live with one. Or maybe it is too infrequent. They love the women, but their physical needs eventually overrule. It is rewarding, then at some point, once they've done it enough, it becomes normal.

 

Or maybe it is something they are too embarrassed to admit, except to a stranger in the business. "I need baby talk" or "I want to wear your bra" or "Give it to me from behind". Maybe you've expressed disdain for something he needs, and he knew he had to go elsewhere. Or maybe somebody before you did that.

 

You never know... what looks normal on the outside doesn't always reflect what's inside.

[Stargirl66]

Your story really touched me, you definitely made the right choice even though you are heartbroken I hope you take comfort from the fact you found out before you married him! And the fact he couldn't even admit to you is awful if anyone should be embarrassed its him because he has lost the woman he was gonna marry all to sleep with a few prostitutes.. Men like that make me sick.. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

[No Limit]

I am still feeling the hurt, embarrassment and humiliation but I felt it was only right to call off the wedding. It was the ONLY decision to be made.

 

Indeed, it was the only decision that had to be made.

 

It's a shame that you lost all that time, but it's not the end of the world. There are plenty of good guys who don't need escorts or cheating during their relationship. Be glad you found out before the wedding day, and on top of that the ability to see how things truly are and make this decision; in a different forum a young woman once posted how 2 weeks prior to her wedding day she found out her fiance had been cheating with his ex.

 

Sadly, this woman didn't have the guts to call it off and married him anyway; they spent their time in marriage counseling on their very first day together. The user didn't update shortly after her marriage was done (and after everyone had adviced her to by God not marry that guy), but going to marriage and couple counseling from day 1 obviously isn't a good recipe for a good life. I really have no clue what drove this woman to her decision; then again, she sounded very insecure and anxious in her posts, always mentioning that "Oh but everyone already has their tickets..." and questioning what others would think of her etc. Pitiful, really.

[CarrieT]

I did talk this out to a couple of guy friends. Some said that it is a norm for men to visit hookers and have "happy ending" massages (my ex-fiance was religiously visiting massage parlours too, especially whenever I was out of town for holiday or work). And that these men would go home to their wives/girlfriends like nothing ever happened.

I seriously hope you will reconsider your friendships with these "guy friends" because this is NOT normal behaviour for men and if this is their reality, you are associating with unsavory characters.

 

It's scary to start dating again if this is the kind of 'normal' that I will be expecting from them

Hold true to your standards and start associating with a different class of people.

[lovebugged]

Thank you everyone.

 

One thing I did not mention was my ex-fiance started making a lot of money last year. I think that was also one of the many reasons why he became even more strayed than he already was. The highlight of his 'cheating' would probably be a bachelor party of his friend that he attended in Thailand last April. There, I found out he had paid and brought a hooker back to his villa for him and his friends. I was just so disgusted when I was first found out. He was already to be engaged with me then in TWO months and yet he was still happily doing prostitutes. I still find it hard to understand why a guy would want to commit and settle down when clearly he is not ready for it

 

To mightycpa, I'm just confused.. If you truly love your woman shouldn't you want to stay true to her? Like mafia1 said, if you plan to go to massages and hookers don't even bother the other person because she might want to be happy. But then again, I probably would never know because I am not a man.

 

To frigginlost, I hate to admit this but looking back, that was how exactly I felt throughout the course of my relationship with my ex-fiance. He was never one to own up and admit he is mistakes. Even after all the lies and the deceit I still stayed. Grasping at straws even though there was always that inner voice telling me something was not right (which I had unfortunately chosen to ignore). I am just so glad it is all over now.

 

It is comforting to know that you guys don't find these behaviour normal. Perhaps, not uncommon but definitely NOT normal. I can't make up for all that lost time but all I can do right now is look forward. I would definitely be more cautious of the people I date in the future. And definitely surrounding myself with a different class of people.