Acceptance

[Requiem4Dreams]

I've learned something of myself in the past month of NC. An epiphany of sorts that helped my understanding for the pain that I am currently enduring. I thought I would share that with those who are dealing with the same issues as a beacon of light in their darkness to possibly help them find the way.

 

Something that I vehemently believe in is Arete, a greek word that in its basic sense, means "excellence of any kind." We are constantly evolving everyday. Whether it's physically or mentally we elicit some change from external forces outside our control, and from within. It's in this understanding of Arete that we can fully realize what a relationship is. Regardless of whether we find ourselves in an abusive, toxic, or otherwise fantastic relationship where everything is perfect; we will adapt and change.

 

There is beauty in a breakup, because it forces us to understand the underlying reasons for it's destruction in order to protect ourselves in any future endeavors regarding matters of the heart. While the pain you may feel right now is real and endless eventually you will come to a crossroads where understanding will finally dawn, and your sight returns.

 

You will come to appreciate the lessons you've learned from the experience see clearly the flaws within both yourself, and your significant other, and in this moment choose to better yourself in order to one day find a worthwhile partnership where you can utilize what you have learned.

 

Love is not static. You have been loved once before, and you will be again. In our life we will have many loves, whether for one night, a year, or many it doesn't matter, because in each of these you will become stronger. What may pass as an obstacle now becomes something meaningless in the future.

 

You will learn to forgive and not pass judgement on the one who left, because in the end you are someone completely different, and they were the ones who changed you into this better version of yourself.

[Requiem4Dreams]

Also, I am well aware that my punctuation sucketh.

[lostsoul6486]

I've learned something of myself in the past month of NC. An epiphany of sorts that helped my understanding for the pain that I am currently enduring. I thought I would share that with those who are dealing with the same issues as a beacon of light in their darkness to possibly help them find the way.

 

Something that I vehemently believe in is Arete, a greek word that in its basic sense, means "excellence of any kind." We are constantly evolving everyday. Whether it's physically or mentally we elicit some change from external forces outside our control, and from within. It's in this understanding of Arete that we can fully realize what a relationship is. Regardless of whether we find ourselves in an abusive, toxic, or otherwise fantastic relationship where everything is perfect; we will adapt and change.

 

There is beauty in a breakup, because it forces us to understand the underlying reasons for it's destruction in order to protect ourselves in any future endeavors regarding matters of the heart. While the pain you may feel right now is real and endless eventually you will come to a crossroads where understanding will finally dawn, and your sight returns.

 

You will come to appreciate the lessons you've learned from the experience see clearly the flaws within both yourself, and your significant other, and in this moment choose to better yourself in order to one day find a worthwhile partnership where you can utilize what you have learned.

 

Love is not static. You have been loved once before, and you will be again. In our life we will have many loves, whether for one night, a year, or many it doesn't matter, because in each of these you will become stronger. What may pass as an obstacle now becomes something meaningless in the future.

 

You will learn to forgive and not pass judgement on the one who left, because in the end you are someone completely different, and they were the ones who changed you into this better version of yourself.

 

The problem is, I don't know if I could love like I once did. Right now I'm going through a lot of pain with my ex. I really thought she wanted me back. I blamed her the first time. Not this time. I trusted her again. It's my fault I'm in shambles. I don't know much of anything right now, but I do know I never want to feel this again. She's my first love. We did pretty much everything together which makes letting go seem impossible.

[Requiem4Dreams]

The problem is, I don't know if I could love like I once did.

 

You will. I guarantee it. Unless of course you're willing to let it destroy you, and you become a bitter jaded person. Don't allow that to happen, that lessens your own personal power.

 

Right now I'm going through a lot of pain with my ex. I really thought she wanted me back. I blamed her the first time. Not this time. I trusted her again. It's my fault I'm in shambles.

 

Learning to let go will help you with your pain. Continuing to break NC and trying to win back something that is dead and gone will only set you back time and again.

 

I don't know much of anything right now, but I do know I never want to feel this again. She's my first love. We did pretty much everything together which makes letting go seem impossible.

 

There isn't really a time limit on when you will get here, but you will. It takes people weeks, months, or years, but one day you will come through this crucible stronger.

[lostsoul6486]

Thanks, man. It's just really hard to be positive right now.

 

I was doing so well with NC now that you mention it. She's the one who broke it. She had broken it many times through the 5 months I didn't speak to her, but it was always breadcrumbs and it was always ignored. Then came the night where she incessantly called and texted until I finally picked up. Then came when she told me she would do ANYTHING to regain my trust and get back together and my stupid ass believed her. We started seeing each other again and things were going in the right direction. I went on vacation thinking that I would get back and we would continue working on us because it was going so well. My vacation ended ten days later and the last thing I expected was to see her with a boyfriend. I don't feel set back. I feel lower than I've ever felt.

[Requiem4Dreams]

Thanks, man. It's just really hard to be positive right now.

 

I was doing so well with NC now that you mention it. She's the one who broke it. She had broken it many times through the 5 months I didn't speak to her, but it was always breadcrumbs and it was always ignored. Then came the night where she incessantly called and texted until I finally picked up. Then came when she told me she would do ANYTHING to regain my trust and get back together and my stupid ass believed her. We started seeing each other again and things were going in the right direction. I went on vacation thinking that I would get back and we would continue working on us because it was going so well. My vacation ended ten days later and the last thing I expected was to see her with a boyfriend. I don't feel set back. I feel lower than I've ever felt.

 

I know how hard it can be. I would like to ask what you learned from the experience of allowing that break in NC. How far it set you back. Then what you applied towards making sure that NC was never broken again, as hard as it is to imagine that.

 

You feel lower right? It's time to let go, and become stronger.

[Allumere]

A nice view but not the reality for many. We may improve in some fashion, lose weight, quit smoking, get a job...what ever was criticized we change..and most time the results are positive. But the depression, anxiety and pain incurred repeatedly results in many months of therapy and medication in some cases.

[Requiem4Dreams]

repeatedly results in many months of therapy and medication in some cases.

 

 

Which results in the betterment of ones personal well being, and acceptance about moving on. Healing doesn't comprise of a set amount of time, and neither does growth. That's the entire point I'm making.

 

It sucks, and it's hard but eventually you come out of the fire changed in some way.

[lostsoul6486]

I know how hard it can be. I would like to ask what you learned from the experience of allowing that break in NC. How far it set you back. Then what you applied towards making sure that NC was never broken again, as hard as it is to imagine that.

 

You feel lower right? It's time to let go, and become stronger.

 

I know I'll learn something constructive from this eventually...at least I hope so. Right now though, it's all so fresh that all I've learned is that people suck. No matter how much they say they love you and no matter how much you love them back, they hurt you. Have I screwed up in my relationship with her? Yes, but I could honestly say I was the best boyfriend I could be. So much so that when we broke up, HER BEST FRIEND reached out to me and told me she was sorry about what happened because I was the best thing that has happened to my ex in a long time, maybe ever. Not only did she believe that, but my ex actually told me this on multiple occasions before she broke up with me. I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and she's kicking me to the curb like if I was a piece of garbage. So for right now, all I've learned is that maybe falling in love isn't worth pain it brings with it.

[Requiem4Dreams]

So for right now, all I've learned is that maybe falling in love isn't worth pain it brings with it.

 

Totally understandable, and it will hurt for a while. In the beginning I rode the rollercoaster from one extreme to the next. Embrace the pain though, and don't run or hide from it. Accepting it, understanding it, and allowing it to happen instead of bottling it up will help you heal much quicker.

[irresolute]

"Love is not static. You have been loved once before, and you will be again. In our life we will have many loves, whether for one night, a year, or many it doesn't matter, because in each of these you will become stronger. What may pass as an obstacle now becomes something meaningless in the future."

 

Those words...so powerful. So intense.

 

There goes the fear again...Let it go...

 

[Requiem4Dreams]

Those words...so powerful. So intense.

 

There goes the fear again...Let it go...

 

It's taken a very long time for me to figure out the art of letting go. The act of surrendering to the knowledge that there is nothing in your power that you can do in order to fix something. No amount of glue can fix the broken shards that lay scattered before you.

 

Every Time I thought that I couldn't do something because I felt that hollow feeling in my chest I looked back at every success I DID have. Let go of that fear and realize that the future is bright and beautiful, without limitations.

 

We may fail, but it will be a breathtaking failure because at least we tried our best.

[Missy0724]

It is better to leave it broken, rather than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.

[Allumere]

Which results in the betterment of ones personal well being, and acceptance about moving on. Healing doesn't comprise of a set amount of time, and neither does growth. That's the entire point I'm making.

 

It sucks, and it's hard but eventually you come out of the fire changed in some way.

 

..my point is that the sum total of the changes are not always positive when you come out the other side. I may be wiser but by no means happier or a better person. These are lessons I could have done without but that is simply my experience and I certainly don't represent the masses.

[Requiem4Dreams]

..my point is that the sum total of the changes are not always positive when you come out the other side. I may be wiser but by no means happier or a better person. These are lessons I could have done without but that is simply my experience and I certainly don't represent the masses.

 

Well I am not naive enough to think everyone falls into one category, and oft times that's not always the case. There was a statement from a TV show I watch that I really liked. There's actually three types of people who come out of a crucible. Those that are better for it, those destroyed by it, and those that learn to love the fire and want to stand in it. I can appreciate and understand the point you are trying to make however.

[artsygirl78]

I can really, really appreciate this post and I wanted to add a certain epiphany of my own that supports what you have described, as well as support those who might be in a lot of pain and feeling too hurt or jaded to feel like they will love again. I am at the end of my third month of NC after a very intense relationship that I believed would culminate in a wedding this summer, so I feel everyone's pain here, and I can say without a blink of an eye that in the beginning, I too felt deep in my heart what other posters have said here - that I would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes, that I would never love again "the same way" - since I was the person who broke off the relationship, I also felt deeply that because I still loved my ex more than life itself, he was the "last one" and since I couldn't make it work, that was going to be the "end" for me.

 

And then several things happened that really woke me up out of my stupor. A very close friend of mine lost his young wife to cancer. He is now a widower and a father of a toddler at 40 years old. Another colleague of mine was happily engaged to her college sweetheart, and out of the middle of nowhere, he passed away from a random illness that left her absolutely shocked. The wedding invitations were out in the mail and she was planning what was supposed to be the best day of her life. Within weeks of hearing this, I also heard of a new engagement - the widower of a childhood friend - a beautiful young woman in her twenties who had passed away while pregnant from cystic fibrosis - was engaged to be married again.

 

In each of these pairs, these people were - ARE - amazing. Emotionally mature, positive, deep souls, wonderful friends, brilliant minds, kind, possessing a depth of character. Each of these couples were truly, madly, deeply in love with another. They were true soulmates. And yet the hand of fate had taken their partner away from them. Does this mean that this is now the end for them and that they will never love deeply again? NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT. The young widower who is now engaged, spoke of his first wife as if the Universe itself created them as soulmates and that they were destined to love one another in this life. And they did. And yet - and yet - HE FOUND LOVE AGAIN. Not the same, because each person, and what each person brings through their unique life, is gorgeously different. But he has found happiness and has fallen in love deeply again, enough to want to share his life with someone. And so will my dear friend who is a young single father, and my sweet colleague who is mourning her fiance.

 

And so will you, and so will I. All we can do, whether people leave us because it is time for our paths to part, or life and destiny takes the people we love away from us, is to continue to learn, and grow, heal our hearts and be open, when we are ready, to love again. And we will be able to love deeper and better for our experiences. I never thought I would be ready, or want to love another man again - and yet I feel myself waking up and feeling the yearning to love someone and be devoted to them. And this is a good thing

[Requiem4Dreams]

I can really, really appreciate this post and I wanted to add a certain epiphany of my own that supports what you have described, as well as support those who might be in a lot of pain and feeling too hurt or jaded to feel like they will love again. I am at the end of my third month of NC after a very intense relationship that I believed would culminate in a wedding this summer, so I feel everyone's pain here, and I can say without a blink of an eye that in the beginning, I too felt deep in my heart what other posters have said here - that I would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes, that I would never love again "the same way" - since I was the person who broke off the relationship, I also felt deeply that because I still loved my ex more than life itself, he was the "last one" and since I couldn't make it work, that was going to be the "end" for me.

 

And then several things happened that really woke me up out of my stupor. A very close friend of mine lost his young wife to cancer. He is now a widower and a father of a toddler at 40 years old. Another colleague of mine was happily engaged to her college sweetheart, and out of the middle of nowhere, he passed away from a random illness that left her absolutely shocked. The wedding invitations were out in the mail and she was planning what was supposed to be the best day of her life. Within weeks of hearing this, I also heard of a new engagement - the widower of a childhood friend - a beautiful young woman in her twenties who had passed away while pregnant from cystic fibrosis - was engaged to be married again.

 

In each of these pairs, these people were - ARE - amazing. Emotionally mature, positive, deep souls, wonderful friends, brilliant minds, kind, possessing a depth of character. Each of these couples were truly, madly, deeply in love with another. They were true soulmates. And yet the hand of fate had taken their partner away from them. Does this mean that this is now the end for them and that they will never love deeply again? NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT. The young widower who is now engaged, spoke of his first wife as if the Universe itself created them as soulmates and that they were destined to love one another in this life. And they did. And yet - and yet - HE FOUND LOVE AGAIN. Not the same, because each person, and what each person brings through their unique life, is gorgeously different. But he has found happiness and has fallen in love deeply again, enough to want to share his life with someone. And so will my dear friend who is a young single father, and my sweet colleague who is mourning her fiance.

 

And so will you, and so will I. All we can do, whether people leave us because it is time for our paths to part, or life and destiny takes the people we love away from us, is to continue to learn, and grow, heal our hearts and be open, when we are ready, to love again. And we will be able to love deeper and better for our experiences. I never thought I would be ready, or want to love another man again - and yet I feel myself waking up and feeling the yearning to love someone and be devoted to them. And this is a good thing

 

You couldn't have said it better. Thank you Artsy.

 

The greatest loss this world would suffer is if we harden our hearts and escape from the possibility of ever experiencing something so profound. It's not even relationships that fall solely into this category, but any relationship in which love blooms. I'd give my life for the best friend I have, because he has taught me through my interactions with him how to excel beyond who I am.

 

Even here on LS the massive support from complete strangers has given me insight into my own strengths.

 

Such a wonderful community.

[Missy0724]

Beautiful perspective, Artsy. Thank you. I needed that today. Tough day, it would have been our one-year anniversary. :-(

 

But yes, we will both love again. Just as it's meant to be. This is the power of love, and the universe.

 

And someday I will be able to smile 100% when I think of him, of our memories and the times when it was good. And I will continue to heal in healthy ways...in good time.

[Requiem4Dreams]

Beautiful perspective, Artsy. Thank you. I needed that today. Tough day, it would have been our one-year anniversary. :-(

 

But yes, we will both love again. Just as it's meant to be. This is the power of love, and the universe.

 

And someday I will be able to smile 100% when I think of him, of our memories and the times when it was good. And I will continue to heal in healthy ways...in good time

 

My one year is coming up on September 6th, but I'm choosing to treat it like any other day. In fact I may go out to dinner, catch a movie, or something that will act like a celebration towards the effect of personal liberation.

 

I probably should start making that stride towards birthdays too, with age comes wisdom right?

 

Anyway, just treat it like any other day devoid of meaning and it will pass just as quickly.

[scobro]

Hows the women situation in Alaska?

[Requiem4Dreams]

Hows the women situation in Alaska?

 

There's a ratio of 2 or 3 to 1 I believe. Though there is a saying in Alaska "Where the men are men, and so are the women."

 

Not a good place for a beta to be. Which unfortunately I tend to lean more towards.

[thekid36]

I can really, really appreciate this post and I wanted to add a certain epiphany of my own that supports what you have described, as well as support those who might be in a lot of pain and feeling too hurt or jaded to feel like they will love again. I am at the end of my third month of NC after a very intense relationship that I believed would culminate in a wedding this summer, so I feel everyone's pain here, and I can say without a blink of an eye that in the beginning, I too felt deep in my heart what other posters have said here - that I would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes, that I would never love again "the same way" - since I was the person who broke off the relationship, I also felt deeply that because I still loved my ex more than life itself, he was the "last one" and since I couldn't make it work, that was going to be the "end" for me.

 

And then several things happened that really woke me up out of my stupor. A very close friend of mine lost his young wife to cancer. He is now a widower and a father of a toddler at 40 years old. Another colleague of mine was happily engaged to her college sweetheart, and out of the middle of nowhere, he passed away from a random illness that left her absolutely shocked. The wedding invitations were out in the mail and she was planning what was supposed to be the best day of her life. Within weeks of hearing this, I also heard of a new engagement - the widower of a childhood friend - a beautiful young woman in her twenties who had passed away while pregnant from cystic fibrosis - was engaged to be married again.

 

In each of these pairs, these people were - ARE - amazing. Emotionally mature, positive, deep souls, wonderful friends, brilliant minds, kind, possessing a depth of character. Each of these couples were truly, madly, deeply in love with another. They were true soulmates. And yet the hand of fate had taken their partner away from them. Does this mean that this is now the end for them and that they will never love deeply again? NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT. The young widower who is now engaged, spoke of his first wife as if the Universe itself created them as soulmates and that they were destined to love one another in this life. And they did. And yet - and yet - HE FOUND LOVE AGAIN. Not the same, because each person, and what each person brings through their unique life, is gorgeously different. But he has found happiness and has fallen in love deeply again, enough to want to share his life with someone. And so will my dear friend who is a young single father, and my sweet colleague who is mourning her fiance.

 

And so will you, and so will I. All we can do, whether people leave us because it is time for our paths to part, or life and destiny takes the people we love away from us, is to continue to learn, and grow, heal our hearts and be open, when we are ready, to love again. And we will be able to love deeper and better for our experiences. I never thought I would be ready, or want to love another man again - and yet I feel myself waking up and feeling the yearning to love someone and be devoted to them. And this is a good thing

 

There truly is life after grief. Just not what is always easy to believe at the initial time. It is so challenging when you put so much into something. Only to find that the plans then change. It can happen so quickly and also unexpectedly. No matter what area of life you are talking about. Change being something which is never even easy. Does not necessarily mean it isn't for the best.

 

The thing with relationships is ones which do not go forward are simply not meant to be. No matter who initiated the individual break-up. A connection cannot continue to flourish when even one partner is not happy. Does not mean you don't have any hard days of course. It just means there needs to be more good than bad.

 

One of the things some people have a hard time getting past is concepts relating to time. It is thus best to take the situation as a learned lesson.Instead of as a period of wasted time. Because, there truly is no better lesson that that of experience. Life is one lesson after another. The mistakes we make can only make us more observant going forward. Cannot always get to the good unless we have the bad first.

 

The third issue is that it's hard to feel you can love again. Especially when you fell so hard for that other person. It has the chance to consume you. Hard to change gears all of a sudden. I personally think that a break-up can offer a period for self reflection. Something which is perhaps not experienced enough within our fast-paced society. The most important person we will ever love is our own self.

 

So, then comes the whole concept of are you able to love another again. I think this depends on the individual. Also, upon the specific situation. There is no definite answer as to if Cupid will cross paths with you again. No right way to meet that right person. Nor, is there a perfect frame of time to wait before dating either. We need to do what is simply best for us. One of the things we may try to do is not force anything. Not much positive can come from this.

Edited August 28, 2014 by thekid36

[Requiem4Dreams]

There truly is life after grief. Just not what is always easy to believe at the initial time. It is so challenging when you put so much into something. Only to find that the plans then change. It can happen so quickly and also unexpectedly. No matter what area of life you are talking about. Change being something which is never even easy. Does not necessarily mean it isn't for the best.

 

The thing with relationships is ones which do not go forward are simply not meant to be. No matter who initiated the individual break-up. A connection cannot continue to flourish when even one partner is not happy. Does not mean you don't have any hard days of course. It just means there needs to be more good than bad.

 

One of the things some people have a hard time getting past is concepts relating to time. It is thus best to take the situation as a learned lesson.Instead of as a period of wasted time. Because, there truly is no better lesson that that of experience. Life is one lesson after another. The mistakes we make can only make us more observant going forward. Cannot always get to the good unless we have the bad first.

 

The third issue is that it's hard to feel you can love again. Especially when you fell so hard for that other person. It has the chance to consume you. Hard to change gears all of a sudden. I personally think that a break-up can offer a period for self reflection. Something which is perhaps not experienced enough within our fast-paced society. The most important person we will ever love is our own self.

 

So, then comes the whole concept of are you able to love another again. I think this depends on the individual. Also, upon the specific situation. There is no definite answer as to if Cupid will cross paths with you again. No right way to meet that right person. Nor, is there a perfect frame of time to wait before dating either. We need to do what is simply best for us. One of the things we may try to do is not force anything. Not much positive can come from this.

 

Shakespeare says it best.

 

"This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man."

 

People fight against relationships ending because a piece of their soul has been placed into it. They rage against it dying and try their best to keep the tattered remains in place without realizing the loss is part of their gain. You said it best by the insight gained upon your own personal reflection.

 

Thank you for the response to this thread, it's refreshing to see so many beautiful views that touch upon the same outlook.