OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Is it always bad news when a guy disappears ? We were not really in a "relationship". We were good friends, to begin with, until I developed "feelings" for him. I told him so, and his reaction was to tease me about it, along with lots of subtle flirting. He never outright told me that he also liked me as more than a friend. But his reaction led to me believe that he wasn't averse to such a thing, either. Anyway, he suddenly disappeared. Gone for a month now with *zero* contact. No emails, no chats, no nothing. NOT A WORD from him. Is it safe to assume that this is OVER or is that the dumbest question y'all have ever been asked ? Since we were good friends for years, should I try to contact him and ask him where he is ? As a friend ? Do men sometimes take off for a while but then resurface ? What should I do ? What really hurts me is that WE WERE FRIENDS first. And by disappearing, he seems to not only not want a "relationship" but has also terminated our friendship of several years ! This emotional pain is just too hard to deal with. Help ! What should I do next ? (BTW, I have verified from mutual friends that he is alive, well and free, so it isn't as if he is dead, in a hospital, or in prison, to prevent him from communicating with me. Just thought I would add this here, in case anyone wanted to know if he was, maybe, unable to talk to me for any reason) ? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Was all of this strictly online or am I misunderstanding something? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Do nothing, its up to him if he want to be in contact with you or not. By what you told us he doesn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 Was all of this strictly online or am I misunderstanding something? Our communication was mostly online. But we know each other IRL, too. Is this over ? Done and dusted ? Do nothing, its up to him if he want to be in contact with you or not. By what you told us he doesn't. Yes, he has been gone for a month now, and I don't think it is a good thing. I do want to know if I should contact him one last time, though, and ask ? Thing is, we were FRIENDS, and that is why I am so hurt. Would I look desperate if I contacted him and asked him where he is ? Do guys sometimes wait for the woman to take the initiative ? Link to post Share on other sites
Moonborn Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Our communication was mostly online. But we know each other IRL, too. Is this over ? Done and dusted ? Yes, he has been gone for a month now, and I don't think it is a good thing. I do want to know if I should contact him one last time, though, and ask ? Thing is, we were FRIENDS, and that is why I am so hurt. Would I look desperate if I contacted him and asked him where he is ? Do guys sometimes wait for the woman to take the initiative ? If he wanted you as a girlfriend he would climb mountains to get to you. Even if he simply wanted you as a friend he would at least reach out once in a month. I would just let it go. It's not worth investing yourself in somebody who much less interested in you than you are in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 If he wanted you as a girlfriend he would climb mountains to get to you. Even if he simply wanted you as a friend he would at least reach out once in a month. I would just let it go. It's not worth investing yourself in somebody who much less interested in you than you are in him. I know I should let him go, but it hurts so much. I am in so much pain that I cannot breathe sometimes. I don't know what I am hoping for, but any chance he may resurface at all ? Given that we were supposedly "friends" and all ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 Now you hunt him down. And rip his balls sack off. I'm not really jk but if u don't want to get locked up just hunt him down, find him, curse him out. And that's it. It's not okay for someone to treat u like that . I don't know if you are being sarcastic or not (hard to read tone on a message board) but I wish him well, even though he treated me badly. I guess I am really looking for closure. I also learned a good lesson not to get involved with friends, because if the "feelings" are not reciprocated, the "friendship" is ruined, too. Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I don't think it's over because I don't think there was anything either. He disappeared because he'll probably found someone else. I do think you were some kind of option for him. My advice is to move on, cut the friendship and start looking for someone else. Someone who'll love you. This guy doesn't love you, and I don't think this can change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 I don't think it's over because I don't think there was anything either. OUCH !!! True, there wasn't a "relationship" per se, but we were good friends for YEARS. I think what I am really mourning / missing is our friendship. I honestly do mean that we were BEST FRIENDS, until I decided to be stupid and develop feelings for him. Now, I have lost my best friend as a result of my foolishness. I don't know if I should contact him one last time - as an EX-FRIEND - to ask where he is / enquire after him ? Or if I should not let him take my dignity with him by appearing weak and clingy when he has run away and not bothered to email / chat / text me in a MONTH ? Closure... I just need closure... Just need to know WHY ? Couldn't he have just told me that he just wants to be friends and advised me to look elsewhere for a love interest ? If I would have known that he would up and vanish, I would have backed off as our friendship meant a lot to me. Instead, he just disappeared like that leaving me feeling god damn awful and in the most awful emotional pain of my entire life ! Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 You can contact him as a friend. Friends sometime disappear for more than a month, and it's very normal. Yes, you can contact him. But I wouldn't expect any closure or anything like that. He doesn't own you any explanation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 You can contact him as a friend. Friends sometime disappear for more than a month, and it's very normal. Yes, you can contact him. But I wouldn't expect any closure or anything like that. He doesn't own you any explanation. Well, we will agree to disagree. He knew that I had gotten feelings for him, he even teased me about them and never let on how uncomfortable that made him. Surely he could have spoken up ? I am not trying to argue with you, but my pain is just as deep as anyone else who is going through an unexpected loss. Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 he might have thought he was stuck in the friend zone and started off by playing hard to get but now its just turned into not talking at all. Everyone is always so afraid to just say what they feel that it drives me crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 I composed a simple email asking him where he is and if all is well. Let's see if he answers. I really hope he does. He was my best friend and I miss him like hell. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Our communication was mostly online. But we know each other IRL, too. Is this over ? Done and dusted ? Yes, he has been gone for a month now, and I don't think it is a good thing. I do want to know if I should contact him one last time, though, and ask ? Thing is, we were FRIENDS, and that is why I am so hurt. Would I look desperate if I contacted him and asked him where he is ? Do guys sometimes wait for the woman to take the initiative ? Thanks for clarifying. It's not "over" because it never began, he isn't interested in you. He knows how you felt and his response was to joke about and play it off, not reciprocate. Now, I get that you were friends too - but he isn't a very good friend if he just up and randomly vanishes with no explanation. It seems whether friendship or relationship, this all meant much more to you than it did to him. I would let it go because he doesn't want to date you, and he isn't a worthwhile friend. Maybe he sensed you were very into him and he thought this was a way to "let you down gently" or not keep you hanging on? Dunno 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Well, we will agree to disagree. He knew that I had gotten feelings for him, he even teased me about them and never let on how uncomfortable that made him. Surely he could have spoken up ? I am not trying to argue with you, but my pain is just as deep as anyone else who is going through an unexpected loss. He let you joke around because it was a HUGE ego boost. But i dont think he has any romantic interest in you. Unfortunately Men who are interested in us demonstrated it. They want to spend time with us. They call us. They want to meet, to kiss us, to have sex with us. They tell us how beautiful and sexy we are. They make us laught (no, they don't laught at us) I hope I'm wrong. PLEASE Let Us Know If He Replies THE email. Why won't you text him instead? It's faster... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 Ok, so I was about to text him when I realized that it was the most inglorious thing to do (for me). I mean, he disappeared on me. Surely, he should be messaging me first ? Or is that my bruised ego speaking ? I plan to wait to see if he ever does get back. I don't want to come across as needy and clingy by messaging him, even as a "friend". I don't know if I will feel this way after another month of no contact with him, but the pain is still raw and deep, and I am desperately checking my inbox and my cell to see if there is anything from him. So far NADA. Please please please tell me that this will get better and the pain will eventually fade ? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 OP, You said you knew him in IRL also, but most of the time your communication was via net. Why was your main communication mode online vs. in person? When did you become "friends" who met whom and how? Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 He let you joke around because it was a HUGE ego boost. But i dont think he has any romantic interest in you. Unfortunately Men who are interested in us demonstrated it. They want to spend time with us. They call us. They want to meet, to kiss us, to have sex with us. They tell us how beautiful and sexy we are. They make us laught (no, they don't laught at us) I hope I'm wrong. PLEASE Let Us Know If He Replies THE email. Why won't you text him instead? It's faster... ^^^^^^ Absolute truth here! ^^^^^ A real man wouldn't play with your emotions like he did either. And yeah, if it were me, I would call him out on his bulls**t. Don't let your "friends" treat you like this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 (edited) Ok, so I was about to text him when I realized that it was the most inglorious thing to do (for me). I mean, he disappeared on me. Surely, he should be messaging me first ? Or is that my bruised ego speaking ? I plan to wait to see if he ever does get back. I don't want to come across as needy and clingy by messaging him, even as a "friend". I don't know if I will feel this way after another month of no contact with him, but the pain is still raw and deep, and I am desperately checking my inbox and my cell to see if there is anything from him. So far NADA. Please please please tell me that this will get better and the pain will eventually fade ? He didn't disappeared on you and texting him it's not inglorious because you two ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. He is not your boyfriend, not even close to that. Edited August 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Hi i can relate so well. I had a really close friend who I also had romantic feelings for, which were seemingly reciprocated but we were never in a 'relationship'. at one stage he went through a really really dark patch and our last parting was very tearful (we didn't live near each other - 2 hours plane trip). He had been in an abusive relationship with very serious toxic behaviour over a few years and he felt torn that he was torn between the two of us.. I left him a message saying that whatever paths our lives would take, the time we had shared would always be remembered fondly and i hoped that we would be in each others lives again. i missed him dreadfully. months passed. nothing. .. even his close friends (and he had quite a few of them, who lived in his town) had not heard from him and they were contacting me.. asking if I had heard from him. we were all worried. there was literally nothing we could do. One day at his best friends request I called and left one last voicemail. i thought maybe the sound of my voice may help to trigger him to reach out for help. I told him that if i heard from him or not didn't matter but could he let someone know he was ok. still nothing.. the sudden and dramatic clear NC from his part was very loud to me and forced me to re-evaluate my life.. i realised i was holding on false hope that 'someday' we would be together..that we were meant to be together.. i met a delightful man who is perfectly compatible and present in my life who didn't play games and is not a drama queen. .. i was able to really develop this new relationship.. after about 2 months of my new relationship and about 4 months of NC i got a facebook message from my friend's friend saying that he had been trying to call but my phone wasn't working.. with great joy i called him.. as casual as anything he was back to his old self. His time away was in a sense 'selfish' but it resulted in him really getting back to emotional health .. he had finally disentangled himself from the mess of his toxic breakup and was healed and no longer obsessing over her. the first thing he asked me was 'have you got a new boy now?" I said yes and he is very good for me.. he responded graciously and said he was glad to hear as I deserve someone very special. Love is just like that... it is about seeking what is good for the other person. I gave him the respect of his needing space to process stuff. he was supportive of me finding someone better suited. Next weekend he's coming to my town with his new gf who i love like a sister.. we were destined to be together.. just not romantically and i am very content with how it all turned out. my lesson... patience, openness and selflessness without neglecting your needs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 (edited) He didn't disappeared on you and texting him it's not inglorious because you two ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. He is not your boyfriend, not even close to that. I don't know what your point is. Or why you are hell bent on repeating your point that we weren't in a relationship ? I get that we WERE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP already. But we were "friends". Agree with the others that he probably wasn't a good friend towards the end. BUT we have a history and he has helped me a lot (don't want to share details here). "He disappeared on me" does not mean that I think that he was a boyfriend. Geez. It just means that after several years of friendship he just abruptly vanished for a month. Maybe in your world, friends don't talk for a month. But that hasn't been the case for me because we talked pretty much every day and he always told me if he ever had to go off the grid. So, this was surprising, especially since it came on the heels of my "confession" to him that I like him as more than just a "friend". Just a coincidence ? Maybe, maybe not. But I felt entitled to know (regardless of what you or anyone else thinks). And, yes, my pain is real even if WE WEREN'T in a relationship. Thank you for diminishing my pain and emotions and calling me "delusional". Much appreciated, especially since this is a "support" forum. Edited August 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 Hi i can relate so well. I had a really close friend who I also had romantic feelings for, which were seemingly reciprocated but we were never in a 'relationship'. at one stage he went through a really really dark patch and our last parting was very tearful (we didn't live near each other - 2 hours plane trip). He had been in an abusive relationship with very serious toxic behaviour over a few years and he felt torn that he was torn between the two of us.. I left him a message saying that whatever paths our lives would take, the time we had shared would always be remembered fondly and i hoped that we would be in each others lives again. i missed him dreadfully. months passed. nothing. .. even his close friends (and he had quite a few of them, who lived in his town) had not heard from him and they were contacting me.. asking if I had heard from him. we were all worried. there was literally nothing we could do. One day at his best friends request I called and left one last voicemail. i thought maybe the sound of my voice may help to trigger him to reach out for help. I told him that if i heard from him or not didn't matter but could he let someone know he was ok. still nothing.. the sudden and dramatic clear NC from his part was very loud to me and forced me to re-evaluate my life.. i realised i was holding on false hope that 'someday' we would be together..that we were meant to be together.. i met a delightful man who is perfectly compatible and present in my life who didn't play games and is not a drama queen. .. i was able to really develop this new relationship.. after about 2 months of my new relationship and about 4 months of NC i got a facebook message from my friend's friend saying that he had been trying to call but my phone wasn't working.. with great joy i called him.. as casual as anything he was back to his old self. His time away was in a sense 'selfish' but it resulted in him really getting back to emotional health .. he had finally disentangled himself from the mess of his toxic breakup and was healed and no longer obsessing over her. the first thing he asked me was 'have you got a new boy now?" I said yes and he is very good for me.. he responded graciously and said he was glad to hear as I deserve someone very special. Love is just like that... it is about seeking what is good for the other person. I gave him the respect of his needing space to process stuff. he was supportive of me finding someone better suited. Next weekend he's coming to my town with his new gf who i love like a sister.. we were destined to be together.. just not romantically and i am very content with how it all turned out. my lesson... patience, openness and selflessness without neglecting your needs. Thank you so much for sharing ! I gratefully appreciate your feedback. As for patience - that is something that I have to work on, since it isn't my greatest virtue (unfortunately). Link to post Share on other sites
Potion9 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Yes there is always a chance he will text you again when you least expect it. I could of wrote the same exact sas you did but with a female friend of mine who disappears for days/weeks/months at a time... but has always come back and seems to want me more and more than before... until she disappears again for weeks/months again as is usual with her. What I have learned, even though its hard, you have to cut off contact and attempting contact until HE comes back and messages/emails/calls you again. This has worked everysingle time. Whether it is something that your friend is dealing with , needs space, or distracted or busy with other activities etc there is no way of knowing until HE chooses to contact you again. The pain will fade after days/week/months. Just go back to doing whatever it is you normally do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OffRail Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 OP, You said you knew him in IRL also, but most of the time your communication was via net. Why was your main communication mode online vs. in person? When did you become "friends" who met whom and how? Met about 5 years ago through mutual friends. At the time, he lived a few hours' drive away from me, so meeting In person wasn't always possible. So, we sort of got habituated to communicating via phone calls / texts / chats / emails / Facebook. This happened even after he moved up here, but we met in person more often, post-move. His job also involves a lot of traveling, so that was an additional factor. It wasn't a virtual friendship, if that is what you are trying to figure out ? It was a RL friendship where most communication couldn't happen face to face due to geographical distance initially, and his traveling a lot, eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I composed a simple email asking him where he is and if all is well. Let's see if he answers. I really hope he does. He was my best friend and I miss him like hell. The real question is - why do you want someone so badly when you've stated he treated you badly? Link to post Share on other sites
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