Dumped for first time at 31

[banini_jeque]

I never dated much in my twenties, and not at all in my teens. I was really insecure and didn't believe in myself, and also really shy and embarrassed about showing interest in anyone.

 

When I turned 30, that started to change a lot, and now finally I've had sex, fallen in love, and gotten dumped.

 

I felt so secure at the beginning and during, but once dumped I've pretty much fallen apart on that end, and I'm trying to rebuild.

 

I fell for her pretty hard, because I figured, why not, lets just go for and see what this is all about, and I did and it was awesome, so no regrets.

 

We met 3 years ago, and each made an impression on each other, but nothing ever happened then. She developed a crush on me during this whole 3 years. I periodically would think of her as a potential interest. She moved away, and then we would talk online from time to time. Eventually, we each started to realize there was a chance for something, and she suggested we might go on a date if she moved back. It all seemed like such a beautiful love story.

 

We broke up 5 months ago, and she really wanted to stay friends. So I tried it, because of course I was the one that got dumped and I didn't want it to end, and also because I wanted to see if that was something that I could do.

 

Well, sometimes it worked okay, but there were a couple of times when I got a little dramatic. I never begged her to take me back or anything, but still. We've taken some time apart, and during this time I started feeling better about myself and got busy and had stuff going on.

 

At one point about a month after we broke up, we hung out and had fun, and she suggested maybe taking it slow and seeing where things would go. Well, I wasn't ready to hear that, and got way too excited and blew the whole thing.

 

Eventually after taking more time apart, we got to the point where we could hang out and most things seemed okay, but then when we started hanging out even more, I found myself falling for her again, and also found out she was dating someone else at the same time, and it was too much, so after some deliberation, I decided I'd had enough and it was time to tell her I couldn't do the friends thing.

 

I told her it was a conflict of interest right now, because I still wanted her and I was jealous, and would not be able to be a good friend under those conditions, not to mention the pain and torture that it would cause me.

 

She tried to supportively suggest that it would be okay, because she had found herself in that position before, and she just deal with it and it was fine. She also said she had a friend in high school who had a crush on her even still, and he had a tough time with it then but eventually was able to make it work.

 

I wasn't convinced. Maybe it works for some people, but I just know I can't do it right now anyway. Maybe after a lot of time goes by for healing.

 

I've deleted her from my phone, and blocked her and the guy she's been seeing on facebook, and I never memorized her number, so I can only contact her if I unblock her, or if she texts/calls me and I don't delete the text, but I have been deleting her texts, and at this time I'm back on the third day of no contact.

 

My emotions go back and forth. I miss a lot of special little things about her from the relationship, but they were things that I would never be able to enjoy as her friend. I know this will get harder before it gets easier, so I'm trying to prepare myself. I will miss her more and more each day, and presumably she will begin to miss me more and more as well.

 

Nothing really bad has ever happened between us. No nasty fights, hardly anything you could call a fight even. The relationship felt so beautiful and warm and strong. But something went wrong for her suddenly and she had to end it.

 

Breakups happen for a reason, and it happened, and in my mind, the chances of it being reconciled are too damaged now for it to happen now. It's either too soon, or too late. It can't be the beautiful love story it was to me unless we part ways now, and then reconnect years later after all the pain of the split is gone, and we've each grown a bit more.

 

So it doesn't matter how much we miss each other, this has to happen. We must keep going until we don't miss each other anymore, and I have to do it for myself, because she doesn't see that.

 

Anyway, I thought I would post this and see what people's thoughts were.

 

Also, half joking, what do you think our chances are of getting back together?

[SDSweet]

Sorry about your loss, listen it's tough! But, here's a chance to grow and become stronger and learn what you need, want, and deserve. plus, you can become stronger in the areas you need too....

 

Love is always tricky, but don't give up....always lead with your heart!

 

I too am going through a breakup of sorts...36 years old...it happens...a lot!

[Requiem4Dreams]

For your first breakup you seem to be doing pretty good in terms of mentality. That's a huge thing, a lot of people can't handle it and do far more damage by this time.

 

As for the possibility of her coming back. That takes time. You are definitely not in a position to even remotely think about that. You need time to adjust and heal. Perhaps one day far down the road you can entertain that thought, but right now the best course of action is NC.

 

It really does help.

[banini_jeque]

Thanks everyone. I was feeling really down a couple of hours ago. I was hanging out with some people that were talking about watching snuff films and having all kinds of casual sex, which always bothers me for some reason. I mean obviously snuff films do, but casual sex always makes me feel uncomfortable, especially when I feel like this. I guess I have moods where I like the idea of it too, but usually not.

 

I think the fact that I'm older going through this for the first time helps a lot. I know if I'd tried to do this 10 years ago, it would have been a disaster.

[banini_jeque]

Man, it really is worse today. Jealousy, rationalizing, will she miss me, etc. I wish I worked manual labor instead of this desk job.

[johnson_j]

You're doing the right thing. Keep her blocked, do NOT give into temptation. Let her work it out with new guy and see that the grass is not greener. And you go find a women who respects YOU.

[mightycpa]

a) Sorry, no matter what age, it can hurt a lot.

 

b) what are the chances of .... ? next to nil

[banini_jeque]

I'm on day 5!

 

I feel a little better today so far.

 

I've been asking myself if I can ever really be friends with this person, or if I would even want to be.

 

Being around her makes me just want to grab her and nail her to the wall. I love her, but there's also this powerful lust and a little possessiveness.

 

Yet, since her feelings for me have gone, I feel like there isn't much about me that she actually likes, so I wonder why she wants to be my friend so badly.

 

I've read about birth control causing breakups, and we had both suspected it as she went on the shot a few weeks into the relationship. I feel like what probably happened was that it pulled her out of being in love so that she was able to look at things from an outside perspective, and realized we weren't right for each other.

Edited August 27, 2014 by banini_jeque
Additional thoughts

[banini_jeque]

Day 6!

 

Today I've been thinking about how much work she would have to do if she wanted me back, which is a better place to be in than hoping she'll take me back. I still have some hope, but now the hope is that she would want to do the work.

 

I guess when she spoke of wanting to take things slow before and see where they went, I didn't understand what that meant to me. I didn't realize that I needed her to show me instead of just tell me. She needed to back it up with some action, but never did.

[banini_jeque]

1 week, woohoo.

 

We both have a common late night social hobby, so normally we would see each other at least a couple of times per week. I have successfully avoided seeing her by going to other venues, including one that she wasn't allowed to go to due to bad relations with the owner of the venue. So it was sort of a safe haven for me.

 

Or so I thought. Last night she texted that she has been given permission to go there again, and that she was bummed that I didn't want to be her friend. I promptly deleted the text, but unfortunately the number got stuck in my head. Hopefully I'll forget it.

[banini_jeque]

On to day 8, but it looks like this thread has become boring to everyone else.

 

I met a cute girl a few weeks ago at a restaurant, so last night I gave her my number and introduced myself. It has helped me feel way better.

[banini_jeque]

Day 9.

 

She has not texted me since Thursday, but I suspect that she may again.

 

When we broke up she said that she can't be what I want. If that's true, then how can we be friends? That isn't all I want. I don't want somebody who can't be what I want in my life at all!

 

She also said she wasn't that great and I should look for a better girl. Well, I only even want to be friends with great people, so I guess that won't work.

 

So I was thinking if she tries contacting me again, I might break no contact to tell her the above, and to not contact me again unless she has changed back into the person who seemed like everything I ever wanted, and plans to stay that way.

[Itspointless]

On to day 8, but it looks like this thread has become boring to everyone else.

Considering the count of people reading I do not think people find it boring. They will react if they sense you need it.

So I was thinking if she tries contacting me again, I might break no contact to tell her the above, and to not contact me again unless she has changed back into the person who seemed like everything I ever wanted, and plans to stay that way.

People change all the time. You can never expect someone to act like someone you want them to be, just as you cannot just be a friend at this moment. She is acting a bit selfish as she did not want to loose you: she wants you without the obligations. That is hard/impossible to do if you still have strong feelings for someone.

[banini_jeque]

She is acting a bit selfish as she did not want to loose you: she wants you without the obligations. That is hard/impossible to do if you still have strong feelings for someone.

 

I just feel like she assumed a lot and then broke it off without ever talking to me about it. I was just along for the ride in the sense that I mainly let the relationship get as serious as it did so fast because it was fun and we both seemed to be fine with it.

 

I don't know. I feel like I would have been fine with backing things up a bit and making them less serious, as long as it was still exclusive and we could see each other once in a while, but yeah, I guess even that would have been too much for her, otherwise she would have said something, and it just seemed clear that she didn't even want to discuss something like that.

[Itspointless]

I just feel like she assumed a lot and then broke it off without ever talking to me about it. I was just along for the ride in the sense that I mainly let the relationship get as serious as it did so fast because it was fun and we both seemed to be fine with it.

 

I don't know. I feel like I would have been fine with backing things up a bit and making them less serious, as long as it was still exclusive and we could see each other once in a while, but yeah, I guess even that would have been too much for her, otherwise she would have said something, and it just seemed clear that she didn't even want to discuss something like that.

It is hard when confronted with decisions you have no influence on whatsoever. I know how it feels ... Sometimes people suddenly turn around, which will leave us stunned, it left me stunned. The hormones already have done their work the months before, I was attached.

 

Would you really have been fine with tuning everything down a bit, or is that just your attached heart speaking? I have proposed this when she gave me the happy message. In my case she did what she did because she got ill and wanted nobody around: especially not me. Isn't it horrible that we are willing to discuss a ration as if they are doing us a favour.

[banini_jeque]

Well, it probably is my attached heart to an extent, but honestly, with the relationship having only been a month old at that point, I think it would have seemed like a realistic thing to do. I guess that's the thing though, is that then you potentially have the other person lose respect for you by accepting less. But then again, thats what the friendship ending up being anyway.

 

I feel like there is a healthy way to turn things down if both people agree to it, so when it comes down to it, that just isn't what she wanted to do.

 

I've been reading a lot of articles on torontos number 1 date doctor, and she says no contact is bad, and immature, and if you really want your ex back, it's best to stay in contact with them, and try to be mature and just be around. Just relax and let what comes come. But that seems so hard to do. Plus you have to pay her if you want the real answer.

 

In a sense I do feel like I'm giving up on the situation because I can't think of anything else to do. I don't know how to communicate with her about my feelings without sounding somewhat dramatic. I don't like feeling like I put more effort in than she does. I don't like feeling like there's hope one minute, and not the next. It just doesn't seem salvageable in it's current form. I'm hurt. I can't just be my normal relaxed self around her and hide the hurt, so how can I make her feel comfortable around me?

Edited August 31, 2014 by banini_jeque

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

So you found a 'doctor' to give you justification to contact her huh?

 

Ok, do it. call her/ text her. repeat the same behavior that caused you only pain.

 

we'll be here when you get the gut wrenching pain again.

[banini_jeque]

Haha. Well I haven't done it. I imagine this doctor is just trying to make money, and spinning a bunch of nonsense for people in a weak state of mind like my own to happen upon so that she can pull them in.

 

Still, I did write an email and got a lot of thoughts down, and now I feel better. There is no need to send it.

 

That being said, the point the doctor was trying to make, is that in situations where you're still communicating equally, which we were until I went NC, that the best way to save the relationship is to work through the pain together.

 

So in the email I wrote and did not send, I wrote about why I thought it was important to be able to work through it together, and that she shouldn't expect us to just be able to be friends without doing so. But also that because of my current feelings, I can't do it at all if she's dating someone else.

Edited September 1, 2014 by banini_jeque

[Polak]

1) Thread is far from boring. I'm sure many people are following closely, interested to see what happens.

2) You are certainly at a more mature mentality than a 21-yr old would be. This gives you a massive advantage, so realize that and maintain it!

3) NC is a very established method that countless of experienced people here on LS can attest to. Personally for me, it has helped me to recover from a breakup better than I ever thought I could. If I were you I would stick with it. Based on what you've been telling us, you can do it no problem. Going out and meeting more girls is a great way to move forward.

4) Screw the doctor, seems like a ploy for $ (you've realized this too so good for you)! Immaturity is the last thing you need to be worried about when going through a breakup, because the goal is to heal, and to do that you need to plan things in your best interest. Who cares about what your ex thinks when she was the one who broke it off? If she thought you weren't good enough for her, then that's her loss. From the time I've spent here, I've seen that maintaining contact with an ex hasn't really helped anyone. It just leads to more pain and wasted time.

Edited September 1, 2014 by Polak

[banini_jeque]

Today is day 10, and so far it feels more difficult. I want her so bad, but it feels weird and confusing too.

[Itspointless]

Today is day 10, and so far it feels more difficult. I want her so bad, but it feels weird and confusing too.

Your brain needs to breakdown al those annoying love-chemicals. Give it time and hang-on. It will get better!!

[banini_jeque]

Maybe I wasn't able to show her how much I really loved her and cherished her for who she was, and she thought I was just with her because I felt like I couldn't get anything better. I often felt like she wasn't convinced when I said I loved her. Maybe if I write her a love letter it will convince her.

[Itspointless]

Maybe if I write her a love letter it will convince her.

Why would that make any difference now? Look man I know this sucks. I wish I had a time-machine myself. Well actually I don't, as I will feel like crap again.

[banini_jeque]

Day 11. I made it to 11! I don't want to send her anything now, but I have been thinking of things to say if she ends up texting me again. I also want to get laid hella bad! Lol.

 

I mean, when she dumped me, she basically gave me two options. One was to just be her friend and accept that. The other was to not be her friend. There was never really a clear opportunity to have a good conversation about the relationship and see how we could make it something that we both could be happy with. With either have a situation where she would be happy, but I wouldn't be, or I would eventually find happiness, while she is sad because she lost a friend.

Edited September 2, 2014 by banini_jeque

[banini_jeque]

Okay, I have a question. Am I allowed to go somewhere where I know my ex might be, and then just refuse to talk to her, or should I avoid those places?