Did I make a mistake?

[Stsm5934]

I've been struggling with feeling that I didn't make the right decision when I broke up with my boyfriend. We dated for 5 months. I loved the time we spent together and when I was with him I felt like everything was amazing. We laughed a lot and there was a strong connection.

 

He had some family stuff going on and left in the middle of July for a 2 month trip (states away). At first things were ok, but I slowly started to feel neglected and distant from him as the time went on. About 2 weeks before the break-up I had a conversation with him about how important communication was to me in the situation, that because we couldn't see each other, a lack of communication affected my security in the relationship. The next week things were good. After that, we ended up going a week or so without talking, I tried multiple times to get ahold of him during the end of that week and eventually sent an email asking if he had lost his phone. He replied the next day that he had indeed lost his phone, but had found it. I still did not hear from him despite calling a couple times and texting. On the third day after him finding his phone and still not hearing from him I sent an email that essentially broke-up with him. Long story short I said that I had been very happy with him and I thought there were a lot of good things about our relationship, but I could not help but feel as though he needed some space to figure things out on his own. I said I felt as though things had changed for him in terms of our relationship. I said something along the lines of "while it might be hard for me to hear that, I hope you know it would be easier than dealing with the doubt and confusion I was now experiencing over our relationship". I ended the email by saying I would rather walk away and end things in the right way instead of letting any anger develop. I said it was ok that it was a complicated situation and that right now it wasn't working out.

 

I never heard from him, despite calling 3 times after and sending multiple texts. In these calls and texts I basically told him I was having a very hard time processing our breakup without having a conversation, that I would very much like to talk to him because I wanted things to end on good terms. I even apologized for sending the email in the first place, saying that I should have waiting to have a conversation, but it was difficult because I was unable to get ahold of him and having strong feelings. I have made it clear that I am heartbroken that he feels unable to talk to me.

 

I have been struggling with strong feelings of worthlessness since the break-up. It hurts a lot that he won't talk to me, I feel horrible every morning. I can't stop blaming myself for sending that email. I have decided I will not try to get ahold of him again, that it is only making things worse for both of us. I am stuck in a spot though where I cry every day and feel as though I won't be able to let go until I can know how he feels. I have desperately wanted a reconciliation the last 2 weeks. I think I really need some perspective on how to let go of this relationship.

[54JA]

From what I read so far, I don't feel you made a mistake. I feel that you did everything you could to let your feelings know and getting in contact before you sent "that" final email.

 

One perspective that may be helpful (I don't know, but I hope) is that it's usually not one single thing that ends the relationship. Yes, a single thing can be the immediate cause (trigger) of the end of the relationship, but there are usually underlining, slow moving causes as well (Kinda like in the World War II, where the assassination of Franz Ferdinand is treated as one of the immediate causes while changes in Germany and other factors are seen as the long term causes).

 

You might feel like (forgive me if I am wrong) if you hadn't sent that email, you two might still be together (no email, therefore no break up, therefore more opportunities to talk/work on the relationship), I think it was the right thing to do. A strong relationship and a worthy partner will not let a single thing ruin the relationship. You made yourself accessible to your ex after sending "that" final email. You gave your ex the opportunity to save it. But he chose not to.

If it was not this email, it would have been something else that ended it. The relationship was probably already very fragile.

 

If you are having a hard time not having a closure because you have not had the "talk" with your ex, I recommend reading the thread started by GreenCove here. Her situation is very different, but it sounds like she is also having a hard time with her ex not reaching out to her in 9 months despite her expectation for him to do so. It's a very long thread, but I think many of the posts provide great (and diverse) perspectives on how to deal with the lack of closure.

[54JA]

Her thread is called "Fear I am not progressing well in coping." Give it a read.