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Lost him all over again


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nadineinlove

I used to post on here a few years back about an ex of mine.. We were together on and off for over 2 years. We fell in love very quickly, both always said how special and rare what we had was. But we were both young, immature... and I very insecure... We would end up arguing, and I would end up suffocating him. His freedom is very important to him

 

We kept getting back together, because we didn't want to lose one another, but it just wasn't working due to us being so young and immature so it finally ended.

 

I tried to win him back numerous times, but finally accepted that if it was ever going to work we both needed to grow up.

 

We cut contact and didn't talk for nearly 3 years. I've dated others, and had a semi serious relationship in this time, but never felt the way I did for my ex.

 

He reached out to me on my birthday, and we chatted a bit but he was distant with me and so I didn't push it. A few months later I reached out on his birthday and he responded happily but the conversation didn't continue.

 

Then a few months ago we started chatting again, this time with real interest. Talking for days, catching up... Turned out, I was going to be visiting his city, so we arranged to meet. He told me how excited he was about seeing me.

 

We met up, and it was amazing.... we got on like best friends, chatting for hours, listening to music we both loved... we chatted about the past, both admitted to the mistakes we made. I was shocked because I thought he would never see how he hurt me and the mistakes he made in our rel, but he did. Which made me think, we have a real chance here.. He told me he had been in a relationship these past 2 years, and it was really turbulent, and he told me she brought out the worst in him but I brought out the best.

 

We had some wine, and we kissed and ended up having sex.. which was amazing and felt like no time had passed. We met up again, and went out with some friends and I got very drunk and for some reason the drink made me feel very emotional. I started to get paranoid that this was just sex for him and nothing more... I told him that my feelings for him were returning, and I asked him what he felt for me.

 

He told me he does have feelings but doesn't want them to grow because we live so far away from eachother and it would be impossible for it to work. Also, he is really unhappy in his job at the moment and doesn't know what to do with his life... and only came out of that turbulent relationship with the other girl a few months ago so doesn't want to jump into another.

 

He wanted us to spend some time with eachother, chilled and relaxed and to see how it goes.. and I messed it up by getting emotional. Just all of the emotions and feelings from the past came back, and I got very confused.

 

I told him I dind't want this to be it, that I wanted us to see eachother.. and if we still have a connection and feelings after this long, then we can try and make it work.

 

But he kept saying he's really messed up, and then just became really cold with me and told me he needs space.

 

I told him I'd give it to him, but I don't know how he could be so cold with me after being so amazing just 24 hours earlier. I know I scared him, but how do I fix this? I feel like we had a real chance here, but now I've ruined it :( I know he's going through a rough time right now, but I want to be here for him. I feel like I've lost him all over again

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Three years is a very tricky time period. For some, it's long enough to change and grow, but for others, it may be too short. Either way, I think your ex is right. It's important to approach this situation with caution. This may not be what you want to hear, but first, it's important to acknowledge the passage of time and evaluate your current feelings for him. You mentioned that your old feelings for him came back, but if he changed at all in those three years, it would still be beneficial for you to get to know the new him before reviving (well may be too late this point?) your old feelings for the old him.

 

Another issue is that it is so easy to get all the warm feelings for each other when reminiscing the good old times. People delight in the fact that the other person remembered the little things and find joy in reviving old customs. This happened to me too, when I encountered my best friend from high school with whom I had a huge crush on. I had not seen him in 7 years, and he seemed like the cute little guy I remembered (despite the severe weight gain on his part). He had moved away after high school, and 7 years later, he visited us. We hooked up and decided to try the long distance thing, but it did not work out. I know this example is not exactly the same as yours with obvious differences, but what I am trying to say is that the experience of reconnecting with someone who had been out of your life for a while can seem more romantic and "meant-to-be" than it really is.

 

You have been hurt before, and I think it's worth taking it slow and see where it goes before you give all your heart out to him. You also might want to pay attention and give weight to what he says about himself. If he says he is messed up and not confident about maintaining a long relationship, really listen and find out what that means. I hope this helps. Good luck.

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travelbug1996

He's wrong for having sex with you knowing thathe wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

You were wrong for becoming intimate with him before establishing if you both were committed to trying again.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Leave him alone and let him come back on his own. You have to make a real effort to move forward. He's not ready.

 

PAY ATTENTION

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nadineinlove
Three years is a very tricky time period. For some, it's long enough to change and grow, but for others, it may be too short. Either way, I think your ex is right. It's important to approach this situation with caution. This may not be what you want to hear, but first, it's important to acknowledge the passage of time and evaluate your current feelings for him. You mentioned that your old feelings for him came back, but if he changed at all in those three years, it would still be beneficial for you to get to know the new him before reviving (well may be too late this point?) your old feelings for the old him.

 

Another issue is that it is so easy to get all the warm feelings for each other when reminiscing the good old times. People delight in the fact that the other person remembered the little things and find joy in reviving old customs. This happened to me too, when I encountered my best friend from high school with whom I had a huge crush on. I had not seen him in 7 years, and he seemed like the cute little guy I remembered (despite the severe weight gain on his part). He had moved away after high school, and 7 years later, he visited us. We hooked up and decided to try the long distance thing, but it did not work out. I know this example is not exactly the same as yours with obvious differences, but what I am trying to say is that the experience of reconnecting with someone who had been out of your life for a while can seem more romantic and "meant-to-be" than it really is.

 

You have been hurt before, and I think it's worth taking it slow and see where it goes before you give all your heart out to him. You also might want to pay attention and give weight to what he says about himself. If he says he is messed up and not confident about maintaining a long relationship, really listen and find out what that means. I hope this helps. Good luck.

 

Thank you, it has helped... maybe you are right and the feeling of reconnecting just felt too good, but maybe I don't feel anything for him. To be honest, now that I think of it, I don't really know him anymore. He's changed a lot... he wasn't messed up before. So I guess the feelings I have are for the old him, not the person he is now

 

How can you ever tell? I find love and relationships just so confusing. I just want to stay away from it. It hurts too much.

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nadineinlove
He's wrong for having sex with you knowing thathe wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

You were wrong for becoming intimate with him before establishing if you both were committed to trying again.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Leave him alone and let him come back on his own. You have to make a real effort to move forward. He's not ready.

 

PAY ATTENTION

 

I am going to leave him alone, its the only thing I know how to do right now. I am so embarrased about my behaviour I don't even want to remind him that I exist :( I wish I could just erase it all

 

Do you really think he would come back though after what happened? I think either I have scared him off completely, or turned him off completely

 

Either way, I know he doesn't want to be with me... and now I'm confused because do I want to be with him? Or is the old him that I want?!

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nadineinlove

This is long, but please bear with me! I posted in second chances forum, but didn't get many replies

 

I used to post on here a few years back about an ex of mine.. We were together on and off for over 2 years. We fell in love very quickly, both always said how special and rare what we had was. But we were both young, immature... and I very insecure... We would end up arguing, and I would end up suffocating him. His freedom is very important to him

 

We kept getting back together, because we didn't want to lose one another, but it just wasn't working due to us being so young and immature so it finally ended.

 

I tried to win him back numerous times, but finally accepted that if it was ever going to work we both needed to grow up.

 

We cut contact and didn't talk for nearly 3 years. I've dated others, and had a semi serious relationship in this time, but never felt the way I did for my ex.

 

I realised I was a mess towards the end of our relationship, not thinking clearly at all... very needy etc. So for the past 3 years I've really worked on myself, didn't push myself to meet anyone else, I grew up basically.. was more relaxed, less insecure, and just in a better place. I didn't know who I was when I was with my ex, but now I feel I am finally discovering who I am.

 

He reached out to me on my birthday after nearly 3 years, and we chatted a bit but he was distant with me and so I didn't push it. A few months later I reached out on his birthday and he responded happily but the conversation didn't continue.

 

Then a few months ago we started chatting again, this time with real interest. Talking for days, catching up... Turned out, I was going to be visiting his city, so we arranged to meet. He told me how excited he was about seeing me and how much he wanted to see me.

 

We met up, and it was amazing.... we got on like best friends, chatting for hours, listening to music we both loved... we chatted about the past, both admitted to the mistakes we made. I was shocked because I thought he would never see how he hurt me and the mistakes he made in our rel, but he did. Which made me think, we have a real chance here.. He told me he had been in a relationship these past 2 years, and it was really turbulent, and he told me she brought out the worst in him but I brought out the best.

 

He told me he could see how I had changed, that I was more relaxed and could see I had found myself. I told him that he was more open, and he said he realised that that was a mistake he made with me, and realised thats what made me insecure.

 

He also brought up the good times, and mentioned things I thought hadn't meant anything to him orhe had forgotten about. He even remembered exactly how we first met, and just lots of tiny things that surprised he even still thought about.

 

We had some wine, and we kissed and ended up having sex.. which was amazing and felt like no time had passed. The next day we met up again, and went out with some friends. I noticed he was being a bit off with me, but I tried to brush it off, however we got very drunk and for some reason the drink made me feel very emotional. All of my feelings and pain from the past came flooding back to me and I started to get paranoid that this was just sex for him and nothing more... I told him that my feelings for him were returning, and I asked him what he felt for me.

 

He told me he does have feelings but doesn't want them to grow because we live so far away from eachother and it would be impossible for it to work. Also, he is really unhappy in his job at the moment and doesn't know what to do with his life... and only came out of that turbulent relationship with the other girl a few months ago so doesn't want to jump into another.

 

He wanted us to spend some time with eachother, chilled and relaxed and to see how it goes.. and I messed it up by getting emotional. Just all of the emotions and feelings from the past came back, and I got very confused. I got really upset and asked him whether he loved his ex as much as he used to love me, and I mentioned how he always used to say how special what we had was, but if he had that with this most recent ex then I didn't have a right to have these feelings.

 

I told him I didn't want this to be it, that I wanted us to see eachother again.. and if we still have a connection and feelings after this long, then we can try and make it work.

He told me he feels a connection, and chemistry and attraction but he kept saying he's really messed up, that hes gone through the worst 2 years of his life and just wants to be relaxed and chill and not think of anything. Then he just became really cold with me and told me he needs space.

 

I told him I'd give it to him, but I don't know how he could be so cold with me after being so amazing just 24 hours earlier. I know I scared him, but how do I fix this? I feel like we had a real chance here, but now I've ruined it I know he's going through a rough time right now, but I want to be here for him. I feel like I've lost him all over again

 

He said he can't be normal now after everything that happened. I can't remember everything that I was saying, everything just spiralled out of control... I was drunk and feel like all of my insecurities and feelings from the past just flooded back and just clouded my judgement and common sense. I feel like I stepped back in the past 3 years ago and lost everything I've worked on myself.

 

I tried explaining to him what happened but now he won't talk to me. I know I have to give him space now, and I won't reach out to him but will he ever come back? I feel like I've lost him now forever.

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todreaminblue

he could have thought of all the negatives before he had sex with you......pretty low if you ask me...let this guy go ......dont wait for him anymore...find someone who wants to be with you...thsi guy basically used you and then changed his mind....its not on dont let him use you again and then decide he isnt ready again ...disappear first......take some time to heal with all the confusion that he has put you through........deb

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<p>i think the problem may ignited by the drunk habit , i also love getting drunk but mostly only on "hanging out with my friends" situation only..i had ex who smoke weeds regularly , our relationship can only survive on less than 2 months.. </p>

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Although you may have made tremendous strides in overcoming your insecurities and matured a lot over the last three years, it seems obvious that you still have a way to go.

 

He enjoyed spending time with you & believed that you had changed and were able to enjoy the moment as well. Unfortunately, however, you thought that just because you had a good time--and sex--that "you had a real chance" at a relationship and reverted back to your old pattern of behavior. When he realized that you expected more and that you hadn't changed as much as he'd thought, he pulled back.

 

My advice...continue to work on yourself. Discover why you feel and act as you do. Why are you needy? Why do you feel the need for validation? Why are you insecure? The reasons are all within you. He has nothing to do with it.

 

Please know that I can relate. When I was much younger, I struggled with the same issues. Fortunately, with a lot of very honest--and painful--self-reflection and the guidance of an insightful therapist, I was able to see, acknowledge and overcome my co-dependence and low self-esteem. Looking back, I can see how far I have come...and I don't have a need to convince anyone that I've changed because *I* know and it shows.

 

Don't concern yourself with trying to prove yourself to this guy. Attempting to apologize or make excuses is only going to drive him further away. Instead, continue to work on you so that you will be ready when the right relationship comes along.

 

Good luck

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SycamoreCircle

Don't blame yourself. You did not drive this guy away. He has issues he needs to work out. And you do, as well. Rather than view this experience as something negative, consider it as a litmus test of your true condition. Continue to date. Resist the urge to jump into anything. Work on building your self-esteem and sense of purpose.

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nadineinlove
Although you may have made tremendous strides in overcoming your insecurities and matured a lot over the last three years, it seems obvious that you still have a way to go.

 

He enjoyed spending time with you & believed that you had changed and were able to enjoy the moment as well. Unfortunately, however, you thought that just because you had a good time--and sex--that "you had a real chance" at a relationship and reverted back to your old pattern of behavior. When he realized that you expected more and that you hadn't changed as much as he'd thought, he pulled back.

 

My advice...continue to work on yourself. Discover why you feel and act as you do. Why are you needy? Why do you feel the need for validation? Why are you insecure? The reasons are all within you. He has nothing to do with it.

 

Please know that I can relate. When I was much younger, I struggled with the same issues. Fortunately, with a lot of very honest--and painful--self-reflection and the guidance of an insightful therapist, I was able to see, acknowledge and overcome my co-dependence and low self-esteem. Looking back, I can see how far I have come...and I don't have a need to convince anyone that I've changed because *I* know and it shows.

 

Don't concern yourself with trying to prove yourself to this guy. Attempting to apologize or make excuses is only going to drive him further away. Instead, continue to work on you so that you will be ready when the right relationship comes along.

 

Good luck

 

Thanks for the reply. If you don't mind me asking, how did you overcome your low self-esteem and co-dependence. I'm guessing this is what I have otherwise I wouldn't have reacted in this way with my ex?

I think I am going to see a therapist, I've never been to see one before.. but I have no one else to talk to and I need help.

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nadineinlove
Don't blame yourself. You did not drive this guy away. He has issues he needs to work out. And you do, as well. Rather than view this experience as something negative, consider it as a litmus test of your true condition. Continue to date. Resist the urge to jump into anything. Work on building your self-esteem and sense of purpose.

 

Are you sure I didn't drive him away? Do you think there could ever be a future once we have both worked on our issues?

 

I have no interest in dating anyone else while I still want and think about him

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ExpatInItaly

It sounds to me as though he wasn't as ready as you were to re-ignite anything. I don't think it was only your emotional response that caused this. It seems that he doesn't want a relationship right now, regardless of whom it's with. He saw an opportunity to get intimate and then didn't feel right about it after, for a number of reasons. I think you really need to limit contact with him again and continue working on yourself.

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Thanks for the reply. If you don't mind me asking, how did you overcome your low self-esteem and co-dependence. I'm guessing this is what I have otherwise I wouldn't have reacted in this way with my ex?

I think I am going to see a therapist, I've never been to see one before.. but I have no one else to talk to and I need help.

 

I began seeing a therapist to help me understand why I always seemed to put the expectations of others above my own needs only to end up feeling disappointed at what I perceived as a lack of appreciation.

 

Fortunately, I stumbled across a therapist who specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) who after identifying and explaining my co-dependence, gave me the tools to use to begin to see things from a different perspective. Google it for a more detailed explanation.

 

Good luck to you.

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nadineinlove
It sounds to me as though he wasn't as ready as you were to re-ignite anything. I don't think it was only your emotional response that caused this. It seems that he doesn't want a relationship right now, regardless of whom it's with. He saw an opportunity to get intimate and then didn't feel right about it after, for a number of reasons. I think you really need to limit contact with him again and continue working on yourself.

 

Do you think that when he becomes ready, my emotional response ruined anything possibly happening in the future?

I will contine to work on myself, but it kills me that I may have ruined this and lost who could be the one for me

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ExpatInItaly
Do you think that when he becomes ready, my emotional response ruined anything possibly happening in the future?

I will contine to work on myself, but it kills me that I may have ruined this and lost who could be the one for me

 

Darling, if he were truly the one you wouldn't be here. When there's so much drama and time spent apart, it's generally an indication that the relationship isn't going to work out. You need to get better for you and put him out of your head for now. Never wait for someone to "get ready" because there's a chance it won't ever happen. I see that you're trying to regain control of this by putting blame on yourself, but if he really wanted to give it a chance, he wouldve. He's chosen not to, which may or may not have anything to do with your reaction to recent events. That part is out of your hands.

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nadineinlove
Darling, if he were truly the one you wouldn't be here. When there's so much drama and time spent apart, it's generally an indication that the relationship isn't going to work out. You need to get better for you and put him out of your head for now. Never wait for someone to "get ready" because there's a chance it won't ever happen. I see that you're trying to regain control of this by putting blame on yourself, but if he really wanted to give it a chance, he wouldve. He's chosen not to, which may or may not have anything to do with your reaction to recent events. That part is out of your hands.

 

I just find it really hard to forget him and get him out my head, when I know he has feelings for me. When I left he hugged me tight and didn't want to let go and I didn't want to either, he kissed my head and told me he wished it could have been different.

 

I know he's going through a tough time and has issues to sort through.. I just can't help but hold out hope. Hope that when we've both sorted through our issues that we will still feel the same connection, chemistry and attraction that we both obviously feel now but want to be in eachothers lives and try to make it work somehow

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we live so far away from eachother and it would be impossible for it to work
The best reason of all not to try to get back together now. Distance is a problem for people who actually want to be together. It is not fertile ground for people trying to figure out if they should be together.
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nadineinlove
The best reason of all not to try to get back together now. Distance is a problem for people who actually want to be together. It is not fertile ground for people trying to figure out if they should be together.

 

I don't agree that distance makes it impossible. If we wanted to be together I would move to where he is, or move anywhere.. if he didn't want to move to me. I have no problem with that. I have nothing holding me down where I live/

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