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My ex and I both want to be together again, but he says not right now??


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smoothsailing

The feelings are there, and the desire to try again is also there between the both of us. But he'd rather wait to get back together because we'd be back in a LDR. It was very stressful for him and it intensified our problems. He explained it like this:

 

getting back together now --> big chance of not working out + stress --> break up again, for good this time + risk losing friendship as well

 

OR

 

don't get back together now --> be friends + on good terms with each other --> potentially get back together in the future + have a better shot of making it last or just continue being friends

 

Thing is, we'd be apart for at least 1, but up to 5 years. So right now, he's just going along with whatever happens. My ex does not give much thought to the 'what ifs' of the future, he's just going about this day by day. We talk occasionally, and he's comfortable with this setup. I don't know if regularly communicating/being friends right now is a good idea for me. I'm afraid of getting hurt if he loses interest/starts dating other people, because I do think about the 'what ifs'. Even though I do believe that he is 100% sincere right now, feelings can change down the road. What do you think I should do? Any words of wisdom or advice? Thank you in advance :)

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i think no to friends, there is no what if regarding other girls, if you say ok to being friends, he will go where a man needs to go, men need sex, okay

 

move to where he lives, you have no choice, both of you give yourselves the best chance to try, no dithering, only if he ums and aahs when you discuss the possibility of you/him moving should you quietly date others, i say quietly, just to keep all your options open

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I would go nuclear and unleash NC.

 

You're on different levels. You want the relationship. You're already emotionally invested. He likes what he has. He doesn't seem to want more.

The odds are very good that he will become involved with someone at some point.

 

When he does, you're stuck pretending that it doesn't bother you. But it sounds like it will.

 

It is a drastic measure, but not unjustifiable. Simply explain to him that you've become emotionally invested and that the status quo isn't working for you. Since he doesn't want to try again (for very valid reasons at that) you think it is better than you both go your separate ways for now.

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smoothsailing
I think it sounds like, whatever happens, happens, and you both are supposed to go on with your lives just like you would if you didn't have hopes for the future of maybe getting back together. I would not put too many eggs in that basket. I would assume he is going to date if he feels like it and you should too. Let go of thinking about a future with him. It might happen but I don't think so if it's going to be up to 5 years

 

I'm having a very hard time letting go of a future with him in it, in fact I might be in denial about it. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that I know he wants to try again and currently still has feelings for me. How do I stop thinking about this? Will NC be enough?

 

I would go nuclear and unleash NC.

 

You're on different levels. You want the relationship. You're already emotionally invested. He likes what he has. He doesn't seem to want more.

The odds are very good that he will become involved with someone at some point.

 

When he does, you're stuck pretending that it doesn't bother you. But it sounds like it will.

 

It is a drastic measure, but not unjustifiable. Simply explain to him that you've become emotionally invested and that the status quo isn't working for you. Since he doesn't want to try again (for very valid reasons at that) you think it is better than you both go your separate ways for now.

 

His reasons are good, and I can understand his reluctance towards trying again right now. If I'm gonna go through with NC, telling him in person isn't an option because we're going to be apart for the next 2 months. So should I call him to let him know, or do you think a text would be okay? I'll be honest, I'm afraid I'll back out of it once we start talking and I hear his voice...

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His reasons are good, and I can understand his reluctance towards trying again right now. If I'm gonna go through with NC, telling him in person isn't an option because we're going to be apart for the next 2 months. So should I call him to let him know, or do you think a text would be okay? I'll be honest, I'm afraid I'll back out of it once we start talking and I hear his voice...

 

 

Shrug. Only you know if and how you should initiate NC. I would send one e-mail and be done with it. But I had bad experiences with a waffling ex and so I'm tainted. I prefer to rip the Band-Aid off in one quick stroke.

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He explained it like this:

 

getting back together now --> big chance of not working out + stress --> break up again, for good this time + risk losing friendship as well

OR

don't get back together now --> be friends + on good terms with each other --> potentially get back together in the future + have a better shot of making it last or just continue being friends

That is terribly logical and everything...but at the end of the day he is just hedging his bets.

It might even feel like some kind of "promise" (within himself and, or to you) but potentially, maybe, possibly, perhaps getting back together in 1 to 5 years does not really offer anything about anything.

 

Quite honestly, I can promise you right now -- and be 100% sincere about it -- that you and I can potentially get together in 1 to 5 years. (Sure it might mean me turning lesbian or you becoming interested in a 50+ year-old woman...but the potential is there...if only because we must always leave room for the impossible to become possible.)

 

If you feel that you need to go NC for your own emotional safety, then listen to your own instinct; it very seldom will steer you wrong.

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smoothsailing
That is terribly logical and everything...but at the end of the day he is just hedging his bets.

It might even feel like some kind of "promise" (within himself and, or to you) but potentially, maybe, possibly, perhaps getting back together in 1 to 5 years does not really offer anything about anything.

 

Quite honestly, I can promise you right now -- and be 100% sincere about it -- that you and I can potentially get together in 1 to 5 years. (Sure it might mean me turning lesbian or you becoming interested in a 50+ year-old woman...but the potential is there...if only because we must always leave room for the impossible to become possible.)

 

If you feel that you need to go NC for your own emotional safety, then listen to your own instinct; it very seldom will steer you wrong.

 

I don't know how he does it, but my ex makes 99% of his decisions based on logic and rationality, even for matters of the heart. But I think you hit the nail on the head with it seeming like a promise, when it's really not. I feel like I expect him to still prioritize me the way he did when we were together- and I get upset when he doesn't, even though he has no obligation to anymore. So I'll only get more hurt being friends with him right now because he cant give me what I want. It's clear to me now that NC is the way to go. Honestly I don't really know how to tell him though. This isn't the first time that I've brought up needing space, last time I somehow changed my mind about NC after the conversation was over. Any advice on how to let him know?

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I might not wanna hear this, but I understand that for many men, it is very difficult to say "It's over! Leave me alone!" They don't want to be the bad guy and certainly do not enjoy hurting your feelings. So, from what I read here, it appears that their go-to saying when they don't have the guts to say what needs to be said is "let's be friends for now and see what happens." This is just something to think about.

 

You might also want to read some of the threads started by men who are going through their breakups. A lot of them offer to make it work and provide their exes with whatever they felt they failed to provide during their relationships. When they really want their exes back, they are not thinking about 5 years down the road.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. But I think right now, like everyone said, NC is the best course of action.

 

As for how to break the news of NC to your ex, any of the approaches suggested above would be good. But you really want to be ready to commit to NC. When you deliver the news to him, be to-the-point, keep it short, and not expect any reaction from it.

 

But then again, this is a process. You go through a process in order to become ready to commit to doing the NC. You may waver from time to time and break NC, get your heart broken, and get back on NC, etc. It is a process!! Be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself.

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OP, I am in a similar situation to you. I've tried NC about 4 times now, and it seems that neither he nor I can get past the 3 month mark. We also live thousands of miles apart, but social media makes NC damn difficult when you're emotionally invested in a person. Answers to burning questions are a mere Facebook stalk away, and out-of-nowhere emails can blindside you. (Yes, I've been blocking and filtering, but blocks can be lifted when the need for late-night self-sabotage strikes).

 

One thing that has helped is relinquishing control of the situation, and the resultant fear. It's always been my experience that any time I have had to really, really push for something...it hasn't gone well. Forcing myself to forget him or not have feelings for him isn't working. Forcing him into an LDR would be even less productive. The only thing I can do is get on with my life, and ultimately see what happens. When things have gone to plan for me, they happened "organically", if you will.

 

My ex has dated several people since we broke up...and I have been in a serious relationship!...so trust me, if you two are meant to be together, you won't have to force anything. I've travelled the world and met hundreds of people and my ex is still my go-to guy. But I could still meet the ACTUAL love of my life tomorrow...! Likewise, you or your ex could meet anyone, anytime.

 

This is only one school of thought. I would still advise NC despite my own struggles with it, though I would not beat yourself up if you find yourself struggling to maintain it. As someone above said, it is a process.

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smoothsailing
I might not wanna hear this, but I understand that for many men, it is very difficult to say "It's over! Leave me alone!" They don't want to be the bad guy and certainly do not enjoy hurting your feelings. So, from what I read here, it appears that their go-to saying when they don't have the guts to say what needs to be said is "let's be friends for now and see what happens." This is just something to think about.

 

You might also want to read some of the threads started by men who are going through their breakups. A lot of them offer to make it work and provide their exes with whatever they felt they failed to provide during their relationships. When they really want their exes back, they are not thinking about 5 years down the road.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. But I think right now, like everyone said, NC is the best course of action.

 

As for how to break the news of NC to your ex, any of the approaches suggested above would be good. But you really want to be ready to commit to NC. When you deliver the news to him, be to-the-point, keep it short, and not expect any reaction from it.

 

But then again, this is a process. You go through a process in order to become ready to commit to doing the NC. You may waver from time to time and break NC, get your heart broken, and get back on NC, etc. It is a process!! Be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself.

 

 

I totally see how this could be the case, my gut tells me that he isn't this kind of guy. I've mentioned going NC before to him, and he straightforwardly told me he didn't want us to stop talking and said it was a dumb idea because he felt that we'd never be this close if again we did. He had his chance there if he wanted out. Additionally he keeps insisting on helping me out with a personal goal that I have, and it would require me contacting him 3x a week at the minimum. And he mentions me in his future, and assumes that he'll be in mine. All this future talk is completely brought up by him, I never instigated it. Honestly I think he's just trying to keep the good parts of the relationship without committing, so he can avoid the bad.

 

Is texting him this the easy way out? I want to leave things on a good note but he hates phone calls and I'll probably be a mess if I have to say it out loud.

 

 

OP, I am in a similar situation to you. I've tried NC about 4 times now, and it seems that neither he nor I can get past the 3 month mark. We also live thousands of miles apart, but social media makes NC damn difficult when you're emotionally invested in a person. Answers to burning questions are a mere Facebook stalk away, and out-of-nowhere emails can blindside you. (Yes, I've been blocking and filtering, but blocks can be lifted when the need for late-night self-sabotage strikes).

 

One thing that has helped is relinquishing control of the situation, and the resultant fear. It's always been my experience that any time I have had to really, really push for something...it hasn't gone well. Forcing myself to forget him or not have feelings for him isn't working. Forcing him into an LDR would be even less productive. The only thing I can do is get on with my life, and ultimately see what happens. When things have gone to plan for me, they happened "organically", if you will.

 

My ex has dated several people since we broke up...and I have been in a serious relationship!...so trust me, if you two are meant to be together, you won't have to force anything. I've travelled the world and met hundreds of people and my ex is still my go-to guy. But I could still meet the ACTUAL love of my life tomorrow...! Likewise, you or your ex could meet anyone, anytime.

 

This is only one school of thought. I would still advise NC despite my own struggles with it, though I would not beat yourself up if you find yourself struggling to maintain it. As someone above said, it is a process.

 

I think that's a really good idea. Let go of what you can't control. I need to let go of him because he doesn't want the same thing as me. I wish it were easier said than done!

 

I'm hoping NC will make me see things that I cant see right now because I still love him. All my friends don't want us to be together. They all agree that I need a clean break from him because he didn't treat me right. I mean, even his friend called him an idiot for how he handled things towards the end of our relationship.

 

Good luck to you with your situation! I hope we can both stick to NC.

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Yeah, if texting is easier for you, I would say do it. This way, you can keep the message short and can avoid getting dragged into painful conversation. I think it would be helpful to include in the text something like, "if you get this message, please text me OK" so that you won't be wondering "did he get my text???"

 

NC is the action you take when you are ready to move on, and not a "playing hard to get" or "make him miss me" strategy. It is for you and for your new chapter.

 

Staying in contact or staying friends with the ex is like taking a morphine to alleviate the pain of serious tumor that needs to be removed without the surgery.

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