I Cheated. She found out. I want her back.

[TribalE]

Hey,

 

So my GF of 2 years and I were on the marriage track by all measures. Living together, she'd met my extended family, I hers. We traveled together, hosted parties together, did everything together.

 

But I had an affair. I'm realizing I had the affair out of my own lack of self-esteem. It was more like an "addictive" thing where I'd feel like **** about myself, hook up with the one person (married living in a town nearby), get a "hit", feel better, and then go back to my relationship for a month until I needed another hit.

 

My GF was wanting to move forward and get married and have babies. She's 35, I'm 39. It was the right thing to do, but I was frozen. Paralyzed by fear and by this affair. So, I broke off the affair, and got into therapy to work this **** out.

 

Not so fast, says the affair partner. She wrote a letter to my GF and nuked my entire life. Basically.

 

So, that was all 3 months ago. My now EX was LIVID LIVID LIVID for about 6 weeks, and then on my b-day she sent me a compassionate email saying that she knows I have problems I need to sort out and that she knows it wasn't my intent to hurt her.

 

That was almost a month ago.

 

I have yet to send her a formal apology. My apologies after the break-up were all, "I'm so sorry. Let's get back together and work this out..." Very selfish and self-serving.

 

I'm ready to send her just a plain apology. Hand-written. Leave it on her door.

 

I know she's still hurting, and trying to move on, but she can't just yet. It's all still so raw. We were so in-love and trying to make the next step and then this whole gross situation came to light.

 

SOOOO.... do I send the letter? It's been over 45 days since I've reached out to her proactively.

 

Thanks,

Tribe

[TribalE]

PS. Yes, I'm totally convinced she's the mother of my children. I've never met anyone as kind, loving, nurturing, or intelligent. And WOW is she beautiful. My affair had nothing to do with anything lacking in her. It was all about something lacking in me... namely self worth.

[lauri]

You made some mistakes... I don't feel writing her a letter is going to be the best approach.

 

I suggest you say the apology to her face and not do it by letter. Go all out, be honest and be real. Do not try to make excuses for your actions because there is none.

 

After you say your apology, let her be. You gotta let her come back to you after that. You cannot try to force her to make things work with you because she needs to make that decision on her own. She probably still does love you...but she may view this as you going to far and not really caring about her and only yourself.

[CaliBabe]

Exactly what Lauri wrote.

 

Do it face to face like she deserves. Make it meaningful.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Words mean nothing, action means everything. Enter therapy. Show your love by taking that action. You will likely repeat the cheating otherwise. Good luck.

[No Limit]

Just to make this clear; it wasn't your affair partner who nuked your life, you did it yourself.

Other than that, scroll up and read lauri's and BigGirlPantiesOn's comments again.

[TribalE]

Great feedback, ladies and gents.

 

Actions taken so far:

 

- I'm in therapy 2x/week

- Joined Sex Addicts Anonymous, which I kinda ID with, but not entirely. Some of those dudes are doing crazy crazy ****. But the basic teachings resonate.

- Daily meditation and prayer

- Not going out, no partying, nomBurning Man

- Total celibacy since the break -- not even masturbation (need to separate how I feel about myself from my dick)

 

The problem is, we don't ever see each other, so I can't SHOW her these actions. Also, she won't agree to see me (although I haven't asked in six weeks), so an in person apology is tough to do.

 

Should I write asking to see her to make an apology?

[lauri]

Great feedback, ladies and gents.

 

Actions taken so far:

 

- I'm in therapy 2x/week

- Joined Sex Addicts Anonymous, which I kinda ID with, but not entirely. Some of those dudes are doing crazy crazy ****. But the basic teachings resonate.

- Daily meditation and prayer

- Not going out, no partying, nomBurning Man

- Total celibacy since the break -- not even masturbation (need to separate how I feel about myself from my dick)

 

The problem is, we don't ever see each other, so I can't SHOW her these actions. Also, she won't agree to see me (although I haven't asked in six weeks), so an in person apology is tough to do.

 

Should I write asking to see her to make an apology?

 

I'm very happy to hear you are doing all these things. Keep doing them for you. Do not go and see her and tell her these things - that is not the point of your apology. You going to meet her isn't about you, its about her. Your one and only goal is to apologize and man up to your mistakes not to show "improvements". Those improvements will be shown by your actions not your words.

 

I would suggest calling her and telling her that you are going to come to see her because you feel she deserves an in person apology. You have done some thinking and that you cannot take back what you have done and you're not going to make excuses and pretend that you didn't make a mistake, and that you aren't contacting her to bed for her back. You are contacting her to give her the apology she deserves. You could always show up and see her randomly - but that may go horrible, so I suggest calling her first.

 

If she rejects seeing you, explain to her that you fully respect her decision and feelings, and if you were in her shoes you would do the same. That you aren't going to make any excuses for what happened. You feel that providing an apology through email, letters or even by phone is not justifiable enough for what you have done. Then go on to explain that when she is ready to hear your apology, you will come and see her and hang up.

 

I truly wish you well - keep us posted on what happens when you call her.

[TribalE]

GULP! Just call her? Like out of the blue? I have not spoken to her in two months. Not a word. And not a text in 6 weeks.

 

Not even sure what to say...

 

E

[lauri]

GULP! Just call her? Like out of the blue? I have not spoken to her in two months. Not a word. And not a text in 6 weeks.

 

Not even sure what to say...

 

E

 

Yes.

 

Look man, you want her back? You need to go for it. You need to stand up and accept responsibility. If she is worth it, you will pick up that phone and make that phone call.

 

Text messages give her too much time to think and ask for advice. If she lives close, call her and say something similar to what I suggested earlier and see her as soon as you possibly can after you call...(she may reach out to other friends / family and they'll advise her to not see you). Be natural, be yourself.

 

If I was one her friends, I would probably tell her to not see you to protect her. You need to over come any "gatekeepers" by being aggressive (not in a bad way, in a respectful way) and going for what you want - giving her the apology she deserves.

 

If you call her, it'll allow you to gauge her reaction to you. She may hang up, she may yell at you, she may cry or she may be happy. You won't know until you pick up that phone and call her. Call me old school, but I think calling her is the right step in this - screw texting.

Edited August 22, 2014 by lauri

[Ophelia27]

Leave the girl alone. You messed up. Even if you two got back together you destroyed her trust. Any female in your life, work, friends, etc will make her feel insecure. She doesnt deserve that.

[Standard-Fare]

Two months is a long time for silence/no action on your part, given that a) you're to blame for this situation, b) you say you haven't truly apologized, and c) you do have these hopes for reconciliation. I can't imagine what's going on in this poor woman's head, but it isn't good.

 

Do NOT assume that you're both on the same mental track, just taking a time out before you reunite. Most women in her shoes would be working their best to heal (meaning – move past you).

 

You will lose her if you don't put yourself out there in a very genuine, honest, compassionate way very soon. Chances are she won't fully accept you back right now, but at least she'll know where you're at and that you're working to change.

[lauri]

Leave the girl alone. You messed up. Even if you two got back together you destroyed her trust. Any female in your life, work, friends, etc will make her feel insecure. She doesnt deserve that.

 

That doesn't mean he shouldn't at least do the right thing an apologize. I was in so much pain because of what my ex put me through, and when she did apologize to me eventually and explained I didn't deserve what she did to me, then it made me feel better about myself. I don't want to get back with my ex -but I know I really wanted that apology for what happened.

 

Yes, he messed up. Yes, he ruined the trust with her. But that doesn't mean he can't take a step forward to put his hand up and say he was genuinely sorry and admit he was wrong. As of how they would be if they did get back together, well, your statement is probably right.

 

Two months is a long time for silence/no action on your part, given that a) you're to blame for this situation, b) you say you haven't truly apologized, and c) you do have these hopes for reconciliation. I can't imagine what's going on in this poor woman's head, but it isn't good.

 

Do NOT assume that you're both on the same mental track, just taking a time out before you reunite. Most women in her shoes would be working their best to heal (meaning – move past you).

 

You will lose her if you don't put yourself out there in a very genuine, honest, compassionate way very soon. Chances are she won't fully accept you back right now, but at least she'll know where you're at and that you're working to change.

 

I agree. 2 months is a long time and she is probably going through a lot and in a lot of pain. I doubt they would get back together anytime soon - but apologizing in my opinion is the right thing to do. He should pick up that phone and call her and see her as soon as he can to say what he needs to say.

Edited August 22, 2014 by lauri

[anika99]

Some posters seem to be encouraging you to hurry up and apologize as way of getting your foot back in the door. I say one has nothing to do with the other. You do owe her an apology even if she never wants to see you ever again. You can try to set up a face to face with her. Give her a call and see if she is willing. Be prepared to say what you have to say over the phone though, because she may refuse to see you tell you just to say what you got to say on the phone.

 

 

I'm glad to hear you are taking steps to fix whatever is broken in you. Again, you need to continue on that path even if your ex never wants you back, so that you can be a faithful partner to someone else in the future. Well I wish you success on your journey to self awareness I personally don't think your gf should get back together with you. Most cheaters have a variety of different excuses for cheating instead of leaving their relationship. Usually something along the lines of not wanting to lose their kids or their money. Their reasons are bullsh*t but at least it sounds good. You were only with her 2 years and still in the honeymoon stages by the sounds of it, and yet you cheated. If you will cheat on her this early in the relationship while things are good, what will you do when times are tough?

 

 

What happened with the OW? Why do you think she exposed the affair the affair? Did you give her a reason to think that you were going to leave your gf and be with her?

[TribalE]

Hi, yes, it's been two months, and she's reached out twice in that time. She pinged me on my b-day a month ago (with a compassionate, but not reconciliatory message), and last week about some housekeeping **** regarding our gym membership.

 

I should also say that I STOPPED contact her 6 weeks ago when after our last text exchange she said, "I'm trying to be nice here, but I swear to God, if you don't leave me the **** alone, I'm going to block your ****ing number."

 

So......

 

That's why I've left her alone till now. And I do think she's trying to move on. My only stroke of luck is that she's SUPER busy with work and school, and she's also an introvert, so she's not one to go on a million dates or to go out partying every night.

[TribalE]

Anika99, the OW went nuts. She told me she was going to leave her husband, etc., etc., and I told her that was NOT what I wanted. That is was just a physical thing. And I think THAT is what set her off and made her super vindictive.

[deathandtaxes]

Sorry man, it doesn't matter what you want. At all. You gave up any right when you cheated on this lady. The power is all in her arena now. That is something you will have to accept. It doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter what you say. It will have to be her decision to get back with you, not the other way around.

[CarrieT]

I should also say that I STOPPED contact her 6 weeks ago when after our last text exchange she said, "I'm trying to be nice here, but I swear to God, if you don't leave me the **** alone, I'm going to block your ****ing number."

That does not sound encouraging towards her willingness to want to listen to what you have to say...

 

Are you prepared for the possibility that she will never want to reconcile or even listen to you?

[TribalE]

I know I don't have any power here. I'm not assuming I do. But I'm also willing to do anything I can. She's worth the effort. UNLESS making any effort right now will only push her away more.

 

And, yes. I'm prepared for the worst. It's what I have now with her not being willing to reconcile. I have no where to go but up.

[TribalE]

I also know that when she said all that about blocking my number, I was being really annoying and I really pushed her to the point of saying all that. If I hadn't been selfishly trying to convince her to reconcile, she would not have pushed back so hard or gotten so angry.

[TribalE]

PS. This is the note I was going to handwrite her... You really think I should just call her?

-----------------------

Hi Love,

 

Thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message on my birthday. It really meant a lot to me. I felt your gesture merited a more thoughtful response, even a few weeks later…

 

I hear you that it really sucks to “rebuild” at this point. I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. When I think of what I did, I can still barely believe it. I betrayed and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. There is no excuse, and you did nothing to cause it. I am so very sorry.

 

I’m also sorry for my selfish inability to respect your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to reconnect and minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that stymied our growth and caused you ongoing insecurity and pain.

 

Working with my therapist and others, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused. I know I have to accept your decision. I just want you to be able to heal and be happy again.

 

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation or if there’s any way I can make amends to you, I would welcome that opportunity. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead.

 

Always,

Me

[54JA]

I hope your letter can help your ex find some sort of closure/understanding as to what happened. It sounds great, except for the second paragraph. I am a little confused about the first sentence (it sucks to "rebuild"). What did you mean by that? Also, if I were your ex, I want the second paragraph to describe your acknowledgement of your mistake in the strongest possible term. I almost want to hear you say, I KNEW it was wrong to cheat on you, I KNEW I was hurting you, but I did it anyway. ("I realize you are still very angry and hurt..." somewhat makes it sound like you didn't know you were hurting your when you were having the affair. "When I think of what I did, I can still still barely believe it." This sounds to me (just my opinion anyway) like you have barely begun to acknowledge what you did wrong, rather than you fully acknowledging it.) Last 2 sentences of the 2nd paragraph are great, though.

 

My opinion about waiting 2 months to make the apology is different from what's been offered so far. I feel 2 months is tricky. If I were her ex, after 2 months, I would be just starting to be able to manage my pain and just starting to feel like I made some progress in my recovery from the break up. At this critical point, if I receive your letter, I would probably be really angry, because this would likely be my set back and bring up all the pain again.

 

At the same time, I can understand your feelings too. If you wait too long, you might miss the window of opportunity to win her back, although I understand that your purpose here is to make your apology, not an attempt to win her back.

 

Lastly, I feel that, although 2 months is a long time for NC, it still isn't long enough period for any substantial change/growth for any therapy to have yielded. Therapy takes a long time. I know you are trying really hard to grow, but I feel you still have a long way to go in terms of beating your addiction.

 

I applaud your sincere effort to change, for yourself. It's admirable. Good luck!

[Standard-Fare]

The letter isn't good enough. It feels restrained and a little hollow. It sounds like you're carefully telling her what you think she wants to hear. It needs to come more from the gut, needs to have more passion.

 

There needs to be some sense that you're in anguish/suffering without her, and that you still dream of spending your life with her. Yet also the respectful acknowledgment that the decision is all in her hands, and you know you can't influence that. And there needs to be a stronger suggestion that you're patiently waiting for that moment when you can apologize in person and have a genuine conversation. "If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation" doesn't put that out there enough.

 

Keep working on it until you nail it.

 

I admit that I'm pretty turned off by the way you describe the other woman. It sounds like you treated her without a shred of respect and she did develop feelings for you. It's evident you STILL don't acknowledge her as a full human being whose life you affected. Have you ever considered that she also deserves some kind of apology?

 

Whether or not she was right to send that letter, it almost seems like the inevitable consequence of simultaneously treating TWO women like sh*t. Without the letter you would have continued. What you're going through now is something you HAVE to go through.

[No Limit]

Anika99, the OW went nuts. She told me she was going to leave her husband, etc., etc., and I told her that was NOT what I wanted. That is was just a physical thing. And I think THAT is what set her off and made her super vindictive.

 

Have you ever thought about exposing her? Don't you think the husband deserves to know as well?

[CarrieT]

Tribal, please tell me you aren't really going to send the letter addressed to "Love" and that you were using it as a placeholder for us where her name is going to be.

 

You have no right - at this time - to be calling her "love" or any other endearment.

 

I agree with StandardFare that the letter isn't good enough. The ending where you are sort of leaving the door open to "revisiting a conversation" says nothing about hoping for a reconciliation. It sounds like you are offering her therapy.

 

And 54JA's comment about the whole second paragraph is spot on. That "it sucks to rebuild" phrase is condescending at best and sounds flippant. You have turned her world upside down and inside out and there needs to be more contrition that you destroyed what she thought was going to be her life and her future. In YOUR mind, you are starting to rebuild a life with her, because that is your ultimate gain in this letter. In HER mind, she is looking at a future alone and the depths of despair - I think - have not really sunk into your head yet.

 

If you are going to write a letter, it needs to dig deeper into your psyche on why you did it and why you are reaching out now. Mentioning in passing that you are in therapy just scrapes the surface.