Jump to content

Broken heart left in pieces


Recommended Posts

Hi all, new to the forum and I'll be honest that I registered because of the title of my thread but I'm hoping that it'll be a good place to vent my pain and talk about my problems.

 

Last week my girlfriend of 4 years ended our relationship. We had made plans for the future and had been in love but I've realised that she isn't the same person anymore.

 

We lived together and I've now moved out. I can't afford a place of my own and so I've had to retreat to my parents home and had to quit my job as it was in another city too far to commute.

 

To give context she had always been a warm, understanding and loving person with just the right amount of crazy(fun). Ever since she went back to University she bumped up her working days to 7 and I barely saw her. Which culminated into an argument about taking a day off once a month for both her health and for us. I supported her in the beginning but months later I was lonely and needed to tell her.

 

To make matters worse I found out she had been lying to me about a lot of her feelings for me and instead confided in her friend. Though looking back I should have realised that as she has always been concerned about what others think about me as she vented to them.

 

I got dumped by text a week ago and she's refusing to talk about what went wrong or my suggestion of couples counselling.

 

I've held off contacting her because I've got a letter I've written that explains I knew she was lying and since we had always been honest about our feelings I felt betrayed. Especially as the things she said were so cruel that I didn't think it was actually her. I can't send it until our utilities situation is sorted as a lot of it is under my name.

 

I know we had problems and I contributed to the break up too, but I was always honest with her. I never cheated, never hit her, always paid my fair share and never asked for anything but her love.

 

I've gone through the emotions since the break up, but I'm finding it particularly difficult to get out as we used to do a lot together and so I have memories of her everywhere.

 

Quite simply she broke my heart and walked away as if nothing happened and our 4 years meant nothing.

 

I stupidly miss her and want her back, but after talking with my sister I've realised that I'm in love with the person she was and not who she is now.

 

I wrote this because otherwise I have a lot of frustration building up and obviously that's not healthy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry. I know what you're going through. I've been there.

 

You just have to do the best you can do to move on. Only you can decide the best way for you to move on. I've done it all in the last year since my BU. I was strung along so it's taken me longer but I do not want my ex back.

 

Since your BU is so fresh, the next month may be brutal for you (hopefully not.) Let yourself go through whatever you're feeling but if in a month you are still very depressed then you'll have to start forcing yourself to get out and try even harder to feel better.

 

Just remember that nothing lasts forever.

 

Keep coming here to vent.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yep, Vent, Vent again then Vent some more.

 

Unfortunately some things are not meant to be, this may be one of them.

 

4 years is a long time to be with someone and it's really low of her to ignore your questions as to why it's ended but I suspect you already know.

 

What were the lies she was confiding in her friend about?

 

I'm also just going to put this out there because 95% of the time when someone breaks up with you, it's normally a guarantee there is someone else, especially with her being away all the time etc.

 

As me85 said above, the next month or two are going to be rough, there's no way around it but to face the emotions, work through them but keep yourself busy.

 

Here for you dude, chin up

Edited by somecamel
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm still so unbelievably angry with her because she's just walked away like she was the victim. I've been tempted so many times to force her to talk to me but I can't as I'll never win and it'll make her hold over me stronger.

 

Harsh words but I think she's a coward for not talking post-breakup.

 

It hurts even more as I'm the one who has to restart my working life and find a new home, while she gets to carry on like normal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm still so unbelievably angry with her because she's just walked away like she was the victim. I've been tempted so many times to force her to talk to me but I can't as I'll never win and it'll make her hold over me stronger.

 

Harsh words but I think she's a coward for not talking post-breakup.

 

It hurts even more as I'm the one who has to restart my working life and find a new home, while she gets to carry on like normal.

 

You should be angry, she left you in the **** and off she went without a reason or a rhyme.

 

You are right though, you will never win but you can try not to lose by not contacting her.

 

As you have stated you know if you do she'll then have the upper hand.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The lies were about how she was feeling about us as a couple, what she was thinking post argument and such things as I guilt tripped her into not going on holiday by herself. Something she talked about a lot, which made me feel unimportant. She even had a tin which said "post graduation travelling fund".

 

I don't think she has it in her to cheat, especially as I saw the conversation she had with a friend (by accident) and she would have mentioned that. If she did then she is even more cowardly than I thought and deserves nothing but contempt. I say that because I gave her nothing but my love and attention, plus I was the one who cleaned our home, cooked her meals and washed her clothes because of her schedule. Stupid? Yes, but she was my first love and up until that point we were great together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok so I just re read your first post. Don't send that letter ever. Burn it if you can asap.

 

Not to belittle your situation but this might be one them chalk it up on the board and move on situations. You have no ties to her, no kids, no mortgage just a few utilities left to sort (Do not send that letter when these are sorted).

 

You have a lot of love to give, why not find someone who you might actually see once in a while instead of wasting it on someone that probably checked out of this relationship when she went back to uni, then bumped her days up.

 

You deserve better than that

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm still so unbelievably angry with her because she's just walked away like she was the victim. I've been tempted so many times to force her to talk to me but I can't as I'll never win and it'll make her hold over me stronger.

 

Harsh words but I think she's a coward for not talking post-breakup.

 

It hurts even more as I'm the one who has to restart my working life and find a new home, while she gets to carry on like normal.

 

Boy, how I can relate. I had to rearrange my whole life because I lived with my ex in his house. And recently got a new job before our BU. So I had to find a place to live and carry my emotional stress into my new job. That job didn't work out long at all and so I was having to find another job, all the while living with family temporarily until I got up on my feet financially. I went through many hardships back to back after my BU.

 

It took me six months after my BU to get back up on my feet but since then, I haven't looked back. That was 8 months ago.

 

The worst thing about your story is that she broke up with you via text.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm thankful for inspirational stories like yours. Post breakup it's helped with my pain.

 

I just never thought she would be so cowardly as to break up via a text message. Oh, but I did get the "I didn't want to do this by text".

 

In hindsight I should have seen the red flags. We moved to a new city as soon as she got a new job but I still had to commute for work. She outright told me a few times that her 'friends' at work were urging her to dump me because I was finding it difficult to get a new job. I confronted her as it was a nasty thing to admit to me because I paid my half for everything and had very little at the end of the month.

 

Right now I'm so thankful for the fact my parents have dogs as they get me out of the house.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Apologies for the double post but I have an update.

 

Unfortunately I had something of a 'hiccup' where I tried to get back with my ex.

 

It's been difficult because there are memories of her everywhere and it got worse because we started talking, it was mostly about the flat we shared but since she never gave me a reason why we finished I asked if we could talk properly.

 

She said that she had been selfish and we weren't working. She is selfish, it took me so long to realise that though, as she was constantly working and I was always trying to fit myself in around her schedule. Plus since we broke up I've been fighting to get her back by providing reasonable options (counselling, not living together and etc) but she never bothered to talk about them.

 

So once again she cut me off after I said we could still work, saying that we should have ended it months ago. We're not even together anymore and she's controlling the situation.

 

The next day I was filled with so much confidence that I waited outside our flat for her to come home, flowers in hand and plenty of good things to say. I saw her drive by with a friend and gave up. I left because I didn't want to create a scene but also I realised it wasn't worth it. She just doesn't care enough to do the same for me (i.e fight for us).

 

I've had a bit of a setback, emotionally speaking, but I know what I need to do to get my life back on track and better than before.

 

I don't hate her, still love her like crazy but I'm so damn angry at her for just getting to walk away. But I'm just as angry at myself for wearing my heart on my sleeve and caring for someone who clearly doesn't care for me.

 

It's not put me off women or loving again and it's not even made me more defensive. What it has made me realise is that I was a doormat and I know what I need to fix about myself to make myself stronger and any future relationships stronger too.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your last post sounds very strong and your head is totally in the game. Great for you!

 

We all have set backs, so don't let that keep you down. It's not that big of a deal. You're in love and love makes us all do ridiculous things sometimes.

 

I think it's great that this experience hasn't made you bitter. I dated and all after my BU and traveled, made new friends but then something happened in my life and I suddenly got depressed because of it. So I was thinking about my ex, since we were best friends and so close. Then I grew bitter, then wasn't anymore, then was again...ugh! Such a viscous cycle!

 

I am afraid to love again and don't really believe in RSs anymore. I know that may sound awful to people but that's just the stage I'm in. I know there's more to life than romantic love. There's ME! There's helping people and making myself a better, more productive person. I want to go back to school. I want to learn a new language. I want to travel.

 

I still get angry at my ex sometimes too. And even jealous of him because he's been happy in a new RS for 9 months now and here I am, emotionally unavailable. Never seems fair but that's life and life goes on. One day they'll realize what they threw away was treasure not trash. They'll come running back when life fails them and they need our unconditional love to get them through like it got them through so many times before but we won't be there for them anymore. They'll know how it feels to be treated the way they treated us. If not from us, then from the next person they fall in love with or the next...but someone...and if not by someone, then by their own guilty consciences.

 

Please take care of yourself. She isn't worth your tears.

Edited by me85
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I completely understand as I am still so angry at her and it makes my feelings for her confusing and ends up holding me back from properly moving on. I want to focus on me and I have my plan of how to do it, but there are memories of her everywhere...it's like she's haunting me. It makes me feel absolutely miserable thinking about the good times.

 

I'm angry because I love her but she's been controlling this breakup from day one. Unwilling to talk properly and giving me conflicted messages such as the "it's not you, it's me" which is partially true, but I know what she's said to friends about me and it's frustrating. Then when we try to talk like adults she just shuts me down and gets me riled up again.

 

Today was the first day I wasn't obsessing over fixing our broken relationship. Some anger but I keep realising that I'm in love with the woman she was. It probably hurts more as we planned so much and she said she'd stick by me as I dealt with my problems.

 

I fell into a deep depression a couple of years ago and she dragged me out of it. I still struggle sometimes and I think she just got fed up. So how can I love a woman who told me she'd stick by me (and even had similar problems) and is working towards becoming a social worker when she just gave up on me & 'us'? It's very confusing.

Edited by CDRdelta
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm going to continue to use this as things develop.

 

Yesterday I went out to meet some friends, which was both great and difficult at the same time. Great to see them and get out but difficult as it was centre of town and so many good memories of the ex. My stomach was in knots the entire time and I kept thinking over and over "why is this happening? I should be with her. Why?!"

 

Today was just as tough as I found a bundle of old love letters. I didn't re-read them all but I saw glimpses and it just hurts even more to realise she's not that woman anymore. So many promises made and continually saying 'I love you..want to spend my life with you..' etc, etc. I understand people change but I really wish she was still that loving woman and not the bitter and lazy person she's become.

 

Stomach is in knots, so I get physical and emotional pain.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...