Jump to content

I'm here again..... 17 years and he says it's over


Recommended Posts

Ok so if you have read my past threads I'm seeking advice re my long term BF. we have been together for 17 years and had highs and lows.

It's funny I read my last threads and i can see the similarities here.

 

So the last 12 months for us have been huge. We have travelled loads, saved and purchased 2 new cars, gained approval to develop our current property and the biggest change is that my 2 nieces (8 & 9 years old) have moved in with us due to my sister (6 children in total all have been removed from The parents care) and her husband having serious issues around drugs and violence. We both agreed on them staying and felt we could make a offer emcee to their lives. They have been living with us for almost 4 months and I do absolutely everything.

 

He drops them and collects them at school on his way to and from his work. I'm truly not exaggerating I do everything. Cooking cleaning washing ironing breakfasts, lunches, dinner, homework, swimming lessons even cooking and entertains for his friends etc etc. about 2 months ago I nearly had a breakdown and told him I really needed him to do some of these things. I wasn't feeling happy or healthy and wanted to join the gym and get some time for me but the only change I saw was he increased his gym visits from 2 night per week to 4. This was all in a lead up to another Thailand boys trip with 2 of our single friends.

 

If you have read my last threads you will know that didn't end well but he conceived me we had matured since then and there wouldn't be any issues. I trusted him and even though he wasn't helping at all, given the lead up I didn't want to say anything that would cause a fight before he left so I made a decision to zip it until he got back. So while he was away we didn't communicate much and when we did he was always short. I was super excited to see him I had arranged for the girls to spend the night out so we could have some time together and so I could pick him and our mates up from the airport at midnight. He told me that they had made a group decision to get a taxi and not to think anything of it. I was shattered.

 

When he arrived home I barely got a hug and I immediately noticed changes. New hair style, waved chest etc. He was distant and the next day told me that he thought I was amazing he was really proud of all I have achieved and what I do for the girls. He said we function as an exceptional business but that he doesn't feel that spark with me anymore. He wasn't sure if we could work on it but said either way we would work through this together and he would support me with my nieces. I had already organised a personal training session and after I got back he asked if I was doing that for him or myself. I reminded him that I wanted to get healthy weeks ago and it was for me. His mates came over that night and we had a lovely dinner and they shared stories of their holiday.

 

I was shocked to hear that my BF had taken steroid tablets for 3 days, he said he was cousirous to see what they would do but they did nothing so he stopped, he also jumped in a flaming skipping rope. Bother very out of character things for him added to the new hair as shaved chest I'm starting to think he has cheated. I've asked him and he says absolutely not. He was really sad and sulky for a few days then mentioned he wasn't attracted to me and suggested we see a councillor. I was horrified but agreed and also booked the next flight interstate to stay with my best friend. I'm here now and just got off the phone to him. He is now saying he I doest want to hurt me but knows we shouldn't be a unit any longer.

 

He said work was too busy so he hadn't organised the councillor I dont think he will anyway. So I'm clear it's over and truly after everything this man has put me through for want it back. It hurts like hell and I just don't know what to do or say. I don't want it to be over I love him but don't want to be here in 5 years again so I know this time I need to gather some strength and move on. Hoping for your advice on how to cope and thoughts on what to do next.

 

He said on the phone that he would still continue to support me and the girls and given that he does nothing else except drive them to and from school I think that's what he means but I'm not sure how I feel about that either.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't been through you're old threads so not sure on the history but from what I've seen so far with your glimpses back to the past it's pretty obvious something happened over in Thailand.

 

You've done the right thing getting away and having some time to yourself, are the kids with him?

 

Do you not get any respite care provided for the kids?

 

Regardless, This relationship is creating such a heavy burden for you, you need to start taking some time to work on yourself.

 

Go grab a bottle of wine and get out with your friend for a few drinks in town, take your mind off this **** for a bit.

 

Let us know how you get on :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks somecamel

After I'd booked the flight I told him I was going away for a few days and if he could look after the girls, he said he was fine with that.

Our child protection case worker has cancelled the last 3 meetings over the last 6 weeks so it's hard getting in contact to understand what's available.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yep, definitely cheated. I'm a bit surprised at his mention of a counselor though. Does he want to feel "the spark" again (or at least trick himself into believing it is back), or does he need to ease his guilt?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I really don't know what to think. 1 minute he is saying we will work it out together either way. Then next breath is he knows it's right to not be together.

I don't know about the cheating I think something's happened for sure and have told him I don't think he's being completely honest but he Tried to get specific and asked "in what way, about what". I've been really need to hear it to believe it. I don't know what to say to him should he move out? His saying that I can't block him out and he will continue to support the girls. I've only smsd once each day and he was short in his response saying everything was fine.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It hurts like hell and I just don't know what to do or say. I don't want it to be over I love him but don't want to be here in 5 years again so I know this time I need to gather some strength and move on. Hoping for your advice on how to cope and thoughts on what to do next.

 

I have read all of your previous threads, and I am so glad that you came to the realization that you "don't want to be here in 5 years again." It's never too late to start over. Sure, the earlier the better, but the important thing is that now you sense that this is not going to work out.

 

I am usually all about working the problems out and giving the guy a second chance, but reading your story, I truly believe that your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable. He took you for granted. He was the only one in the relationship that gained anything from it. You cooked and cleaned for him, gave him freedom, put up with him and his crazy (and sleezy) friends, but did not get the same in return. I do believe it when you say when things were great, they were really great. I really believe you. But at this point remembering the great times together will only cloud your judgment on other critical issues and his troublesome choices.

 

You wrote "it hurts like hell." Personally when I was experience the pain of a break up (actually, multiple break ups with the same guy), I foolishly went back to my ex to relieve it. I mistakingly believed that the only way to alleviate my pain was to somehow get him back, get back what we had. But eventually, I realized that the temporary relief of pain I felt by getting a small something from him, whether it be a hug or sweet comment, was just that: TEMPORARY. The real relief came after I got out of the relationship and got over him. So, please do not let your pain cloud your judgment.

 

Because you two got together at such a young age (you two were practically children), it is highly unlikely that your man will regain his willingness to commit. Getting into a LTR at such a young age, your man is probably yearning for his freedom, girls, and what else is out there, as his single friends have experienced. Your man never had the opportunity to "get it out of the system" (e.g. partying, dating lots of girls, etc). But it's important to remember that this is NOT your fault at all. It was his choice. He was too young to have the tools to figure things out; what is fair for his need and your need. He probably wanted both the comfort and joy of having that constant someone, and the boys' "wild freedom." I am all for the boys' "wild freedom" (whatever it may be except sleeping with prostitute) as long as they don't drag their girl friends' feeling through the mud.

 

Your 17 years with him is difficult to get over. It was difficult for me to get over a relationship that was only 4.5 years. Like you, my ex and I were very young when we got together. My ex wanted to explore and felt he was missing out. I felt like I was struggling to keep us together with very little in return. This was 12 or so years ago. Looking back, I am so happy that we ended. It opened me up to a great relationship in which caring for each other is easy, natural, and pleasant. I did not get anything from my ex, but I am thankful that we broke up when we did because it led me to my current boyfriend.

 

You do have a long road ahead. You might do some going back and forth, but please know that this has to end. Once you end it, eventually, you will have the opportunity to be happy. If you don't end it, that opportunity become unlikely.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for you response. I know your right. I think I'm in shock. How do you just stop loving someone? I can't understand or imagine this. I can't just switch my feelings off. He is distancing himself. I called to let him know I'd be home tomorrow and have arranged the girls to stay out so we can talk. Asked if he thought that was ok. He agreed and then couldn't get off the phone fast enough. I just feel like he know hates me and wants to be as far away from me as possible. How does that happen? I smsd asking if he hated me.... He replied saying "I dont hate u at all, we are just not in love. I have given u the time these last few days and not complained n got on with it. Im gonna be reasonable about how we manage this and i intend to support u 100% with the girls. Ur anger is understandable."

I feel like his gone and lost him forever....

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your branching over to denial, you're forgetting what he done.

 

Please be strong and think about yourself for once.

Link to post
Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove

Tough love here: What is there left to talk about with your ex, OP? He's telling you to your face that he's not in love with you and he doesn't want to be with you anymore. You cannot convince or talk someone into being with you again. Sounds like you've been the one putting in the effort and chasing this guy for the entire relationship...it's time to stop.

 

I've read through your entire thread and 4 years ago you were posting how little he seemed to care about you and your needs...you were unhappy but you chose to stay with him.

 

It's 2014, 4 years later and now he's utterly broken your heart once again. How much more time do you want to waste on someone who is not wiling give anything and everything to love you, be with you and make you happy? How much more time are you willing to waste on someone who will never reciprocate the love and effort you've given to them?

 

I understand that you two have grown up together and to imagine your life without him as a partner seems impossible right now, but at this point, YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE. NO amount of begging, crying, pleading will make him stay. He has checked out and you need to move on. There is a life for you outside of him....and when you finally accept that you deserve the best for yourself..you will see it too.

 

I don't know what your financial situation is but it will be extremely harmful to you if you allow him to be in your life in any way, shape or form at this point including "supporting" your nieces. Do not use him as a crutch or use him wanting to stay in your nieces lives to keep hope that you and he are right for each other.

 

Stop wasting time.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for you response. I know your right. I think I'm in shock. How do you just stop loving someone? I can't understand or imagine this. I can't just switch my feelings off. He is distancing himself. I called to let him know I'd be home tomorrow and have arranged the girls to stay out so we can talk. Asked if he thought that was ok. He agreed and then couldn't get off the phone fast enough. I just feel like he know hates me and wants to be as far away from me as possible. How does that happen? I smsd asking if he hated me.... He replied saying "I dont hate u at all, we are just not in love. I have given u the time these last few days and not complained n got on with it. Im gonna be reasonable about how we manage this and i intend to support u 100% with the girls. Ur anger is understandable."

I feel like his gone and lost him forever....

 

I think you are right; you are in shock. It is perfectly normal. You are also right when you say you can't just stop loving him. You are human. It's normal to feel that way.

 

You do have many many painful days ahead. But as long as you get out of this relationship and not go back to him, it will be soooooo worth it in the end. You will find out that in a good relationship, care and efforts are reciprocated and maintaining it is not so labourious. So hang in there.

 

I read that peole go through different stages of emotional/mental states after a breakup. The stages do not happen in the same order for people, but there are stages. My interpretation and how it happened to me was that, I was first in shock where I could not believe what just happened. Then, I was bargaining, where I was doing everything I can to get him back (some people beg, while I took the route of manipulation). Then, there was the anger stage. I believe there is the stage of dispair, then later acceptance.

 

Don't feel back if you still can't accept your break up. It's normal. Understand that people go through stages after a break up before they can accept it. All you need to do now is that acknowledge some where in your mind that this relationship needed to end, and that you deserve far better. This acknowledgement may be weak and may not hold much power right now, but it's a start. Be patient with yourself. I will be patient with you while you go through your stages! I understand!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It's just so hard. Financially we are separate apart from the house and bills. We only have a joint mortgage no shared accounts etc. everything is split eg bills mortage and we pay our own share. We don't have any savings accs together. He is extremely money focused. We had both been saving for new cars and about a year ago he got a 2 door bmw that was his dream car. I continue to save and we just bought a car for me only few months ago and he paid half to help as I'm not sure how I even feel about driving it now. The house we have we are in the process of developing and building a unit out the backyard. If we do that it will be much better financially for us both. We are at the stage where turning dirt is only weeks away. The area we are in is fairly expensive and I know I wouldn't be able to get back to the suburb if I let as I wouldn't be able to afford it. His father and sister live around the corner as well I'm not sure but think that's where he might move to but then I don't know if he will wantt I even move out at all. I'm thinking I should stay in the house with the girls. How do we split everything else and what do I even split?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm not sure about seeing the girls. In a strange way I'm thinking he drives them to and from school and nothing more so apart from that I'm not sure what 100% support his talking about. Either way seekingpeaceinlove I hear you don't think it's a good idea at the moment and I agree that I don't think it will be good for me each morning and night to see him but I also don't want to be seen to be usin the girls as a way to keep seeing him or to be using them to punish him by not letting them see him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

17 years...wow. That's a long time. Just curious...why no marriage? Usually if a guy doesn't commit, it says a lot about how they feel.

 

Anyway...this guy loves you, but may not be in love with you anymore (or not think he is at the moment). When he went away, it sounds like he got a taste of some new passion that he hadn't felt in years. Doesn't mean it will last if there is someone else...but it was that newness...that passion. Only problem is, it never lasts.

 

My only suggestion is to let him go. He will most definitely miss you. He loves you. Some time a part (and I mean conscious uncoupling) may help ignite something in you two again. Maybe he needs to just explore something new, to get it out of his system and to see...it's not all it's cracked up to be.

 

Just part ways for a while and see what happens. You don't know what the future holds...no one here does. I can't give you answers, and neither can anyone else. I just think that there's something here worth saving...and time a part may help save it. If you can start to grow on your own, start taking up a hobby or start getting back into shape. It will change you and help you grow. He may do the same and one day maybe you'll look at each other and realize what you were throwing away.

 

All is not lost. Just grow alone for a while.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi Crila16 that's another challenge I've had. He always said he wasn't ready to both marriage or children. The last time we seriously split he came back after 3 months perfect for when I had found my feet again! Saying he had it all wrong and wanted to marry me but then again nothing changed as I'm still here heartbroken. I'm heading home tonight and seriously don't have a clue f what to actually say to him or what to talk about. I'm afraid.

Link to post
Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove

You need to start planning and arranging the separation of assets/living arrangement. The relationship is over and you must accept this. Now, it's about business and closing this part of your life. This is the only way you will be able to heal and move on. It will take time but you'll get there and be a stronger woman in the end.

 

Again, the task at hand is:

 

1.) Figuring out move-out plans/living arrangment

2.) Planning the actual separation of residence/assets, etc.

 

Then:

 

3.) His role in your nieces lives. (Do the girls really care about him?)

 

No need to talk about how you feel, how sad you are, how much you love him, how much it hurts...he knows...but he wants out so begging/crying will only make YOU feel worse. It won't move him in any way. 17 years together and he cared little to nothing about your needs. Stop expecting any other behavior from him other than what he has displayed up to now.

 

From here on out, it's business with him. Stay firm, strong and stand up for yourself. Reach out to your family/friends for support.

 

After #1-3 have been settled..allow the healing process to begin.

Edited by seekingpeaceinlove
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok so I arrived home and we had a chat. It got into the detail at times but ultimately he has confirmed there's no chance and we are done. He would like for us to see a councellor as he thinks it would be good for us both to understand each other. I'm staying in the house, his moving to his dads 2 streets away and we will split our finiances after the build is complete. The girls were a sticking point though he is pushing for him to take them to and from school as well as dinner once a week. He said he is doing it for them as they have had so much instability with their parents but also for me. He said after looking after the girls for just 2 days he can now see what I have gone through for the last 4 months and wants to help and make sure I'm getting time for me.

We couldn't agree on it so I said I would think about it over the weekend and let him know. I feel empty.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok so last night was my first night alone with the girls. They don't know yet either. So..... He calls in the morning and asked me to arrange for the dog to go to the groomer he would take it on his way to work. He asked me to do some paperwork for the builder for the unit. He asked me to pay our bills. I asked if he had done anything about the councillor he said he had been at work on his own and hadn't had a chance. So over the day I ummmd and aaaaahhhhd about what if I should do these things. I did. Then his sister called very upset saying I will always be family and to let her know if I needed anything even just a talk. Then he calls again on his way home from work. He wanted to get some clothes from the house but would wait till the weekend if the girls would be home as he didn't want them seeing that as we haven't told them yet. I took the girls for a walk and he drove past us as we walked the girls were soooo excited when they saw his car. I just gave a small wave ad he waved and smiled at the girls as he would usually have done. So then the normal night continues until my youngest niece starts saying she downs feel well... Jumps on the couch and snuggles in for an hour. She gets worse complaining of a headache as feeling sick. She goes to the toilet a couple of times and is a little sick. The girls haven't been sick before so I don't know what to do. I call my mother... She doesn't answer plus she is 35 mins away. I called my ex. No answer. I sms both my mother as my ex. Mum calls right away and said she would come over, she is caring for my other 2 nephews so I didn't want to put her out. She gave me a couple of tips and we got off the phone. She starts going pale. Temp was ok. The ex calls as I explain. He says his coming over and will get childrens panadol as I don't have any not ever having the need for it. Super overwhelming she goes back to the bathroom and is extremely sick. I'm seriously struggling with this. She stops she starts to come better but says her head still hurts. He arrives asks if she is ok and has a little chat to her as I get myself and the panadol together. I give her the panadol and before he's finished he asked if I need anything else cause he has somewhere to be. I was pissed off he hadn't been here for longer than 3 mins. I was struggling already and overwhelmed with the extra situation. He walked out te front and before he closed the door, my emotions got the better of me and I followed him out the door as asked what was so important, he said nothing I'm just going to see Jim his friend. I had only an hour earlier see that him was away seeing his daughter who lives hours away and told him that. He said him

was on his way back and they were meeting up. I really didn't believe him and he had said they were meeting in 30mins but Jim only lives 5 mins from us and he just couldn't get out fast enough. It plays on you head and as much as I know I should have simply said thanks for bringing the panadol I'm not as strong as I think. I asked if he could sit with her while I get myself together maybe 5 mins. He got angry and said no he had to go. I was so so so upset. She was feelin getter and wanted to sleep. I cleaned her up and put her to bed with no issues. He later smsd to ask if she was ok i replied a simple Yes. Seeing him made it so har last night combined with a sick child for the first time I just really needed he to be there to help with making sure she was ok. I don't know what I'm doing and it made me consider if I can really count on him to support me with the girls.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope your niece is better. You are a good person for being there for your niece. I hate it when people say they would help, but the help is actually only superficial. I agree with you. He could have contributed a little more. Whatever plan he had didn't seem all that important.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...