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i feel bad degrading my ex


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I found out my ex cheated on me by going through her phone. well we were together at the time, but i dumped her after she cheated on me. a co-worker of mine told me he saw her with another guy and i asked what she did that night but she said she was at home. i looked through her phone and found out she cheated on me twice.

 

i called her a whore, a worthless piece of ****, a ****, a stupid lying bitch and basically ran her down .

 

i left and didnt talk to her for three weeks, then she came crying at my door saying she made a mistake and missed me. i just ignored her then two nights later she was having sex with another guy. she came back to my house and i told her to get the **** out of here and to go **** her self and pick up some stds

 

we havnt talked since except for some mean texts she sent me

 

i understand i said some childish stuff and i sort of feel bad saying all that

 

should i reach out and apologize or no?

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should i reach out and apologize or no?
I'm going to surprise myself and say yes. You should call her up, and tell her the truth. Her actions hurt you, but you shouldn't have called her all those names. You did that in anger, and that you apologize for that.

 

(don't use the word sorry... use apologize)

 

Then, tell her that your apology doesn't change things, you're done, and you don't want to hear from her again.

 

Block texts, FB, all that stuff. Don't respond.

 

Then move on, cleansed of the whole thing.

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bubbaganoosh

Name calling is childish and words hurt but before you start telling her that you feel bad for calling her names, she's the one that broke the trust and cheated. Yeah she came back crying tell you she made a mistake and turned around and did it again.

 

Move on and be done with her. No contact and let her know that you don't want to here from her either in person or any type of communication.

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She owe your apology calling names are not acceptable even some one cheated you! But after words as a gentleman block her don't contact her any more.

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Strength in Healing

Well, to be fair, she IS a whore, she IS a lying ****...

 

If you said something that wasn't true, though, by all means, apologize.

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Let it go. I remember doing the same to a cheating ex, out of intense anger and pain. He knew what he did and he understood that it came from a place of pain. She knows what she did and she knows where it came from. It would be a different story if you lashed out for no reason at all.

 

Let the sleeping dog lie. She has no significance in your life anymore.

 

If anyone should be apologizing, it's the cheater that didn't care one bit about your feelings.

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I found out my ex cheated on me by going through her phone. well we were together at the time, but i dumped her after she cheated on me. a co-worker of mine told me he saw her with another guy and i asked what she did that night but she said she was at home. i looked through her phone and found out she cheated on me twice.

 

i called her a whore, a worthless piece of ****, a ****, a stupid lying bitch and basically ran her down .

 

i left and didnt talk to her for three weeks, then she came crying at my door saying she made a mistake and missed me. i just ignored her then two nights later she was having sex with another guy. she came back to my house and i told her to get the **** out of here and to go **** her self and pick up some stds

 

we havnt talked since except for some mean texts she sent me

 

i understand i said some childish stuff and i sort of feel bad saying all that

 

should i reach out and apologize or no?

 

Don't apologise to her, what you said is all true.

 

What do you expect to gain out of the apology?

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Lernaean_Hydra

Let me preface this (as I often do) by saying I'm probably the most morally bankrupt individual on LS, so take whatever I say below with that understanding.

 

That being said, no I don't think you should apologize. Yeah, words hurt but actions hurt even more. When people do things to hurt us physically we often lash out verbally. Is it healthy? No, not always but sometimes it helps.

 

Everything you said, she deserved to hear. You don't get to betray someone , expose them to diseases and destroy whatever future you might have had together for a quick lay then get niceties in the end. Life doesn't work like that. You do bad, you get bad back. That girl "apologized" to you then was back at it again forty-eight hours later. That girl isn't sorry so why should you be?

 

If, however, you are feeling some sense of guilt (why, I don't know) about what you said and wish to apologize, do so but do so in a way in which cannot in any way be taken as groveling or sycophantic. Simply saying "I was angry because you broke my trust so I lashed out is, in hindsight that probably wasn't ...

 

Wow, you know what, I can't actually even finish that sentence because I can't even think of a hypothetical "apology" a betrayed partner would give to a CHEATER.

 

I'm back at where I started I guess because I am firmly in the camp of not apologizing. Let her sit there and think about what she's done and may your words haunt her indefinitely. Maybe next time she'll think twice about cheating on her next partner.

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I agree. Absolutely no apology needed here. She deserved everything you said for the pain she put you through.

I am not normally for revenge or being mean but you wont get anything that would make you feel better for what she does with an apology from your side.

she should be the one to apology!

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Standard-Fare

I'm in the "don't apologize" camp.

 

Although an apology would be a noble, compassionate offering, in this case it would be a mistake – because it could open a door you need to keep shut. Your ex could easily misread it as a sign of forgiveness or even interest in reuniting.

Chances are good she would try to creep into that opening.

 

So in the interest of both of you just moving forward... don't apologize.

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Let me preface this (as I often do) by saying I'm probably the most morally bankrupt individual on LS, so take whatever I say below with that understanding.

 

Interesting challenge. Morally bankrupt, but you seem to despise cheaters. I think there's a weakness in your moral bankruptcy.

 

I said I was going to surprise myself. But then I started checking the history filed away in my brain, and I remember a long-term, LDR relationship where I was cheating for about 4 years. One night stands, other girlfriends, other LDR girlfriends and an FWB. Mix and match. Talk about morally bankrupt.

 

Anyway, I moved away, and she moved to where I had been. Yeah, weird. She had visited me there, and knew many of my friends. They spilled the beans, all of them, showed her pictures and everything, and boy was she pissed. So of course, the first thing she did was to go "cheat" on me and then call me up to a) bitch at me and then b) brag about her latest conquest.

 

I don't really know why, but I felt betrayed. I called her a bunch of names and then hung up on her. Two minutes later, I called her back and apologized for the name calling first, and for my behavior next. Given the circumstances, she was satisfied with goodbye over the phone.

 

I mourned that 4 year LDR for one day. Then, out of the fog, I was ready to find and cheat on the next GF, which is pretty much what I did for the next 6 GF's, until I met THE ONE. Then it all came to a screeching halt.

 

So, maybe I just passed the crown to you. You'd better work on that weakness of yours.

 

But my point is that the apology is not for her. It is for him. It is cathartic, it is cleansing, it cements his position as the better man. It is about forgiveness, again, not for her, but for him. In order to receive the benefit, he must release the anger in his heart. The only sincere way to do that is by acknowledging what he did, face to face.

 

Does she deserve it? No. But he does.

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Lernaean_Hydra

Yes, but my reasons for despising cheaters has very little to do with morality

 

It’s not my morals that are offended by a cheater, it’s the blatant disrespect. I despise them for their audacity and selfishness. That they think they have a right to continually lie and betray someone gets under my skin. It’s the wasting of the betrayed partner’s time and emotions and the feeling perfectly entitled to “a little on the side” while the BS stays faithful I can’t stand.

 

Cheaters merely incite a feeling of “how dare you!” in me. Unless of course it’s out of revenge. Those are fine in my book.

 

On another note, (unjustifiably) apologizing hasn’t made me feel any better or cleansed in at least a decade. In fact, I’ve always felt weaker and more vulnerable. Lashing out at someone who's hurt me has never really weighed on my conscience. Simply walking away without a word is as far as I go in terms of “being the better man”.

Edited by Lernaean_Hydra
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ConfusedHumanBeing
I found out my ex cheated on me by going through her phone. well we were together at the time, but i dumped her after she cheated on me. a co-worker of mine told me he saw her with another guy and i asked what she did that night but she said she was at home. i looked through her phone and found out she cheated on me twice.

 

i called her a whore, a worthless piece of ****, a ****, a stupid lying bitch and basically ran her down .

 

i left and didnt talk to her for three weeks, then she came crying at my door saying she made a mistake and missed me. i just ignored her then two nights later she was having sex with another guy. she came back to my house and i told her to get the **** out of here and to go **** her self and pick up some stds

 

we havnt talked since except for some mean texts she sent me

 

i understand i said some childish stuff and i sort of feel bad saying all that

 

should i reach out and apologize or no?

 

It seems clear that there is a motive behind what you want to do.

 

Sounds like you WANT something to come out of it. Either way, dont do it.

 

Nothing is going to change. She will still be who she is and you still will be the same. If you let things stand, nothing happens and you continue to live. You talk to her...the negatives completely outweigh the positives.

 

Just dont. Whats done Is done.

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But my point is that the apology is not for her. It is for him. It is cathartic, it is cleansing, it cements his position as the better man. It is about forgiveness, again, not for her, but for him. In order to receive the benefit, he must release the anger in his heart. The only sincere way to do that is by acknowledging what he did, face to face.

 

Does she deserve it? No. But he does.

 

It wasn't cathartic for me when I apologized to the ex that cheated on me. To be perfectly honest, I only did it because I needed to feel like "the better man", the nice girl, in his eyes. I don't believe apologizing instills forgiveness. I think the ability to forgive emerges and manifests from indifference, at least that is how I let go and forgave in the end. An apology stemming from hurt and pain, I don't believe carries the right intent or purpose or is as genuine, nor does it do anything for the giver or receiver.

Edited by Zahara
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Dude, just walk away. You said those things out of anger, you wanted her to feel a little of the pain she was putting you through. But, obviously, she did take your pain to heart because after you blasted her and she could see the pain and anger you had, she did it again without any regard to your feelings or the pain you're enduring. Does that deserve an apology?

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I don't believe apologizing instills forgiveness.

 

You're right. But he said:

 

i understand i said some childish stuff and i sort of feel bad saying all that

 

He's there, he's ready. You apologized because you wanted to feel good about yourself. OP should apologize because he feels bad about what he did. That's the important difference between your experience and his.

 

I have felt indifference, sweet indifference, and I don't know how that could possibly allow you to feel a sense of forgiveness. With forgiveness, you give something of yourself, and by letting go, you leave the thing behind you. That said, I'm not you, and I will take you at your word.

 

But he's not forgiving her, he's forgiving himself, because he feels badly about what he's done. If he doesn't say it, he's going to carry that feeling, that desire to make it right, and it's going to turn into regret, that one thing he did wrong and didn't fix when he had the chance. Regret is a poison in life.

 

OP, now is the time. You don't have to grovel. Just express your apology, and then let her know you're done with the whole thing.

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Simon Phoenix

No apology. You said what you said and, honestly, it's not like you said anything inaccurate. Don't apologize for standing up for yourself against a despicable act. She doesn't get to drag you through the mud, then be told that she was justified for doing so (which is exactly what an apology would suggest).

 

You said it, you meant it, and it was the truth. Own it and move forward -- don't undermine yourself.

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He's there, he's ready. You apologized because you wanted to feel good about yourself. OP should apologize because he feels bad about what he did. That's the important difference between your experience and his.

 

I felt bad as well for calling my ex those names but there was a part of me that also did it for myself. In that sense, the apology was really not genuine on my part. Maybe OP wants to do it for himself, but seeing that he has to post on a forum to do something as simple as that, and it is causing him turmoil, I have a hard time believing that there isn't a part of him that is still concerned with how she views him and an apology is what may validate him in her eyes again.

 

I have felt indifference, sweet indifference, and I don't know how that could possibly allow you to feel a sense of forgiveness. With forgiveness, you give something of yourself, and by letting go, you leave the thing behind you. That said, I'm not you, and I will take you at your word.

 

I give something of myself when I am ready to do it. I can't give anything of myself if I am still affected by what has wronged me. I don't have the capacity to forgive when I am in a negative state of mind. I have the ability to give it when I have completely let go of all my pain. I've done that before, forgiving but only having to run through the same painful emotions all over again. It doesn't really allow you to let go when you haven't healed or at least reached some level of indifference. I can't forgive if I haven't proccessed and let go of what has hurt me. As I said in the OP's post, it is personal to me and how I have let go and forgiven and you don't have to understand it or accept it.

 

But he's not forgiving her, he's forgiving himself, because he feels badly about what he's done. If he doesn't say it, he's going to carry that feeling, that desire to make it right, and it's going to turn into regret, that one thing he did wrong and didn't fix when he had the chance. Regret is a poison in life.

 

He doesn't have to announce forgiveness for himself. He doesn't need her to validate him forgiving himself. If he desires forgiveness from HER, then by all means ask her for it, extend the apology to her. If it's just for him, he should just accept that it happened, forgive himself for his missteps and move on with his life.

Edited by Zahara
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OK, well, I guess we've hashed this whole thing out.

 

What's it going to be OP?

 

i have no idea..i feel like apologizing will help me move on somehow

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i have no idea..i feel like apologizing will help me move on somehow

 

Let her cheating and the way she treated you be what drives you to move on.

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part of me just wants to know why she did what she did

 

i feel bad calling her names cuz thats not me....im not like that at all

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part of me just wants to know why she did what she did

 

i feel bad calling her names cuz thats not me....im not like that at all

 

OP, I've been cheated on as well. In the most horrible way. There is no understanding why people do the things they do. She may give you a list of reasons but it doesn't take away from the betrayal that you will continue struggling with. Most times, the reasons aren't going to make you feel better, and they may not even be the truth.

 

People cheat because they want to. Period.

 

You feel bad, and that is understandable. You're not like that at all --- of course you're not, but under the circumstances, when someone you love spits in your face twice, it's hard not to react. You're human. I find it hard to believe anyone under the pain and hurt of being cheated on has the ability to calmly have a dicussion and go on their merry way.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You think she cares about apologizing to you? No, she went out and banged again.

Edited by Zahara
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I feel the like OP wants a way to get back in touch with the ex to get his questions answered...so he is using the apology as a means to an end.

 

Just my opinion is it doesn't matter WHY she did it, she did. The end.

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