Do I fight for the relationship or accept it's over?

[Sad lion]

Hi,

 

I'm new to forums but could really do with some impartial advice.

 

I am from ireland but moved to England 5 years ago. I met my girlfriend two years later through a dating site and we had been together for 3 years.

 

We hit it off straight away and it was like we had known each other our entire lives. We fell head over heels in love almost instantly. We lived in different towns but would travel to meet each other. After about a year I left my job & friends behind to move to her town so we could be closer together. We moved in together and were extremely happy and had even discussed marriage & kids one day.

 

After a year of renting we decided we wanted to buy a house together but as neither of us are very wealthy we would need to save a sizeable deposit. Her parents suggested we move in with them for a year and put he money we would otherwise spend on rent into savings. I have always had a great relationship with her family so this seemed like a great idea.

 

Everything was going great for about 6 months and then something changed. My girlfriend didn't seem to be as enthusiastic about buying a house anymore and that caused a couple of arguments. Over the next few months I felt like she was starting to pull away. She started going out with her friends on her own more and Since I had moved to her town my only real social scene were her friends and family so this caused more arguments because as much as I didn't mind her having fun without me, the more she did it the more I would end up sat in on my own.

 

Also I have a very troubled family history and about a year ago found out some horrifying news that my sister had been abused by my grandfather. My sister and I are very close and this news had a big affect on me. My girlfriend said she has seen a change in me from then. That I lost my get up and go, stopped being as much fun and got very withdrawn. I had suffered from depression years ago but overcame it and she said I didn't seem like the same person she fell in love with.

 

Things came to a head about a month ago when she said although she still loves me but was no longer happy and wanted to take a break. I was devastated and fell into a deep depression. I moved into the spare room while I was looking for somewhere else to live but have been struggling to cope with this due to the depression. I have now returned home to ireland for a couple of weeks to try and get my head together and figure out what to do next but I have so many questions and decisions to make but I'm to heartbroken to even get out of bed.

 

I am still Madly in love with my girlfriend and would do anything to get her back but once someone has fallen out of love with someone can they ever get that love back again?

 

One of the hardest things I'm finding to come to terms with is that she always did all the chasing as in she first wanted me to move to her town, she wanted to move in together and she was always the one pushing for marriage and buying a house together and when I finally came round to the idea and we started putting together plans so pulls away.

 

I can't understand how someone can change so much so suddenly?

 

I have a decent job in England so I now have to decide do I return to England for the job but will have no friends, family or social outlet. Do I try and win her back or try and move on? Or do I stay in ireland and try to find a new job and start again?

 

I don't know if it's the antidepressants fogging my brain or the heartache but I really can't seem to think straight right now and would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

 

Thanks,

[Lingo1]

Hi,

 

I'm new to forums but could really do with some impartial advice.

 

I am from ireland but moved to England 5 years ago. I met my girlfriend two years later through a dating site and we had been together for 3 years.

 

We hit it off straight away and it was like we had known each other our entire lives. We fell head over heels in love almost instantly. We lived in different towns but would travel to meet each other. After about a year I left my job & friends behind to move to her town so we could be closer together. We moved in together and were extremely happy and had even discussed marriage & kids one day.

 

After a year of renting we decided we wanted to buy a house together but as neither of us are very wealthy we would need to save a sizeable deposit. Her parents suggested we move in with them for a year and put he money we would otherwise spend on rent into savings. I have always had a great relationship with her family so this seemed like a great idea.

 

Everything was going great for about 6 months and then something changed. My girlfriend didn't seem to be as enthusiastic about buying a house anymore and that caused a couple of arguments. Over the next few months I felt like she was starting to pull away. She started going out with her friends on her own more and Since I had moved to her town my only real social scene were her friends and family so this caused more arguments because as much as I didn't mind her having fun without me, the more she did it the more I would end up sat in on my own.

 

Also I have a very troubled family history and about a year ago found out some horrifying news that my sister had been abused by my grandfather. My sister and I are very close and this news had a big affect on me. My girlfriend said she has seen a change in me from then. That I lost my get up and go, stopped being as much fun and got very withdrawn. I had suffered from depression years ago but overcame it and she said I didn't seem like the same person she fell in love with.

 

Things came to a head about a month ago when she said although she still loves me but was no longer happy and wanted to take a break. I was devastated and fell into a deep depression. I moved into the spare room while I was looking for somewhere else to live but have been struggling to cope with this due to the depression. I have now returned home to ireland for a couple of weeks to try and get my head together and figure out what to do next but I have so many questions and decisions to make but I'm to heartbroken to even get out of bed.

 

I am still Madly in love with my girlfriend and would do anything to get her back but once someone has fallen out of love with someone can they ever get that love back again?

 

One of the hardest things I'm finding to come to terms with is that she always did all the chasing as in she first wanted me to move to her town, she wanted to move in together and she was always the one pushing for marriage and buying a house together and when I finally came round to the idea and we started putting together plans so pulls away.

 

I can't understand how someone can change so much so suddenly?

 

I have a decent job in England so I now have to decide do I return to England for the job but will have no friends, family or social outlet. Do I try and win her back or try and move on? Or do I stay in ireland and try to find a new job and start again?

 

 

 

I don't know if it's the antidepressants fogging my brain or the heartache but I really can't seem to think straight right now and would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

 

Thanks,

 

 

 

Accept its over fate will bring u back together if it was meant to be if u dont accept it , it will make problems worst so just concentrate on yourself and become a better person and try NC or LC for a while it will help u heal from the breakup

[mightycpa]

once someone has fallen out of love with someone can they ever get that love back again?

 

Not impossible, but doubtful

 

I can't understand how someone can change so much so suddenly?

 

Nobody does, not even people that it happens to. Makes sense, if you think about it. Did you choose to fall in love? No. Did she choose to fall out? No. How did she fall in love? Who knows. How did she fall out? Same answer. Check this thread out:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/490047-you-wake-up-love-you-felt-someone-vanishes

 

 

I have a decent job in England so I now have to decide do I return to England for the job but will have no friends, family or social outlet. Do I try and win her back or try and move on? Or do I stay in ireland and try to find a new job and start again?

 

That's tough. If you move, you will be plagued by doubt, especially about "now she thinks I don't care about her." If you stay, it is unlikely to work out, and you will be plagued by regret for having given up that job and starting anew.

 

Personally, the regret seems like a worse option to me.

 

Good luck.

[Simon Phoenix]

You fight for the relationship during the relationship, not after it's done. It's time to accept the breakup, move forward, and let life take its course.

[music_and_poetry]

Personally I think nothing is better for healing than new (or in your case) old surroundings! A change/break of pattern will help you immensely. Take it as an oppertunity to go out on your own, socialize, and make friends on your own. I met one of my closest friends while browsing the shelves of a bookstore! There are great people out there who will want and desire your company. In the meantime, the distance will make it easier for you to heal start a fresh, new life. Good luck!

[Standard-Fare]

What are your prospects for a new job in Ireland?

 

It seems like it would better to be there than to return to the same town where your ex-girlfriend lives, surrounded by all those memories and longings – especially when it sounds like you never developed much of a life of your own there.

 

At the same time, you need to give yourself a healthy launchpad in Ireland. You can't be jobless, financially dependent on family members, etc. You need to have prospects for supporting yourself, developing a social network, getting out there on your own.

[Ronni_W]

I can't understand how someone can change so much so suddenly?

It did not happen "suddenly"...you said it started about six months ago...but as likely that it could have started (internal to her) when she moved back into her parents' place.

 

She said that she is no longer happy. Did you two discuss what it is that is causing her unhappiness, and what she may need to regain her happiness, and if she can envision being happy WITH YOU at some point in the future?

 

What have you done, to properly deal with/overcome the effects, impact on your own psyche, of your sister's abuse? (Other than taking anti-depressants, such as perhaps grief/loss counseling or talk therapy.)

I can understand how that would rock your own foundation and worldview, especially since you and your sister are very close.

 

It's possible that your reaction to the news about your sister led to your change in attitude/perception of life in general that was/is unattractive to your g/f. It's something that was not there when you two met and fell in love. Again here, I think it's to have a healthy, honest, open discussion with your g/f...if present circumstances allow.

 

If you can, try to speak with your g/f before making permanent decisions about your job, moving, etc.

 

Best of luck.

[Zeurich]

Also I have a very troubled family history and about a year ago found out some horrifying news that my sister had been abused by my grandfather. My sister and I are very close and this news had a big affect on me. My girlfriend said she has seen a change in me from then. That I lost my get up and go, stopped being as much fun and got very withdrawn. I had suffered from depression years ago but overcame it and she said I didn't seem like the same person she fell in love with.

I think everything went wrong in this point. May be she suffered more than enough may be you did not see it. May be your changes hurts her, I understand that. I don't blame her for taking a break. But I cannot see that she has told you "it is over" taking some space does not mean it is over as I see it. If I were you I will give some time and talk to her. And ask " is it over between us" If you block her no contacts then it is possible you might regret in the future. Take this break to enjoy your self it is not end of the world who knows you might falling in to the right one. We can not ignore 8 laws of the life. Face it accept it and let it go . Honestly easy to say than done.

[mightycpa]

Do antidepressant drugs get in the way of coping and recovery? I don't know, just asking.

 

Pretty much anybody who has been through this will tell you that you have to embrace the grief in order to move on. I just wonder if the drugs prolong the suffering phase, because you can't feel them as deeply. I don't know.

[Sad lion]

Hi,

 

Thanks for. All your comments. It's very reassuring to know there are people out there I can speak to who have been through something similar.

 

In reply to taking antidepressants, I think they have actually really helped me. Before they kicked in (they take about 2 weeks or more to work) I couldn't decide what socks to wear in the morning. When I was packing my suitcase to come home it took me 5 hours!! Because I couldn't think straight due to the depression. It's still tough but at least the fog is starting to clear now.

 

I know people have been through much worse than this but it's hard to see things that way when you are going through it yourself. It's just so difficult to accept it when you thought you had the rest of your life planned out and then the rug get pulled out from under your feet. I never really enjoyed being single and the whole dating scene and am dreading having to start all over again if things don't work out with my ex.

 

At the moment it is very comforting being home in a familiar setting surrounded by the people I love and who are supporting me so I am veering towards staying here but I don't think I could get as good a job here as I have over in the uk so I am worried that if I do stay here when I eventually do recover from this I will regret walking away from a good job.

 

On the other hand I worry that with dealing with the depression, will I be able to cope on my own over in England without the support of my family??

 

It's such a big decision!!! Argh!!

 

I know in the end I am the only one who can make this choice but I would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

 

Thanks.

[Lingo1]

Hi,

 

Thanks for. All your comments. It's very reassuring to know there are people out there I can speak to who have been through something similar.

 

In reply to taking antidepressants, I think they have actually really helped me. Before they kicked in (they take about 2 weeks or more to work) I couldn't decide what socks to wear in the morning. When I was packing my suitcase to come home it took me 5 hours!! Because I couldn't think straight due to the depression. It's still tough but at least the fog is starting to clear now.

 

I know people have been through much worse than this but it's hard to see things that way when you are going through it yourself. It's just so difficult to accept it when you thought you had the rest of your life planned out and then the rug get pulled out from under your feet. I never really enjoyed being single and the whole dating scene and am dreading having to start all over again if things don't work out with my ex.

 

At the moment it is very comforting being home in a familiar setting surrounded by the people I love and who are supporting me so I am veering towards staying here but I don't think I could get as good a job here as I have over in the uk so I am worried that if I do stay here when I eventually do recover from this I will regret walking away from a good job.

 

On the other hand I worry that with dealing with the depression, will I be able to cope on my own over in England without the support of my family??

 

It's such a big decision!!! Argh!!

 

I know in the end I am the only one who can make this choice but I would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

 

Thanks.

 

Yes u will my friend trust me patience, time, and concentrate is what is needed u will make it through this and we will be here to help u every step of the way. These forums help so much i should know because i am currently during NC and yes it is ruff just come on the forums when u feel like u want to contact her

[Standard-Fare]

Assuming you haven't already ended things with your job in England... what responsibilities do you have there? Could you just resign from abroad and never go back? Or would you be required to give them more time in person?

 

It does sound good that you're surrounded by a support network in Ireland. And I really do think the worst thing you can do after a breakup is hang around in the same environs where you had that relationship. You're just constantly reminded of the ex, you have to worry about running into them, etc.

 

Maybe you could at least find a temporary job in Ireland while you go through this transitional phase.