Destroyed by Completely Unexpected Breakup with The 'One'

[kfm]

Hope anyone might have any advice. I'm really struggling with a completely unexpected breakup & finding it tough facing each day, let alone going to work. It's a little long but only because the breakup came so out of the blue when things were going so well between us.

I'm 35 and this girl was 29. We were only dating for 4 months but for the first time in any relationship I have been in, I felt I had finally found the one for me & the girl I'd propose to down the line. This is the main reason it hurts so much. I've never felt like that with many other relationships so was over the moon that we clicked so well. Obviously I was wrong but that is how certain I was at the time that things were going so great.

 

Just for context, she came out of a 7 year relationship last year and had dated 3 guys before me for a short period. I should also point out that she has commitment anxiety which we had discussed between us, also how she was able to go out with her previous boyfriend for 7 years (cos doesn't sound like commitment issues!). She had said she felt the commitment anxiety was likely from her mother. Anyhow, as such, she wanted to take things slow, not to mess anything up she would tell me, and I was always cool with that. I should say that taking things slow meant she only met my friends after 3-4 months

 

Anyhow, this might paint a picture of someone who wasn't so sure moving forward after such a long relationship and perhaps this is true. However, we got on like a house on fire, similar interests, humour, could talk for literally hours on end and had admitted how we could just be ourselves and were so comfortable with one another.

 

The weekend before the breakup, she met a number of my friends on a night out. Went so well, all my friends said she was super nice and she said the same about them. That weekend, we had been due to go abroad for a long weekend but work meant I was forced to postpone it. It had been a big deal as I had seen her agreeing to go abroad together as a big step in moving things forward. Instead, I booked a spa/massage retreat for 2 days at lovely hotel. That went super well and on the Monday afternoon we parted ways and kissed her goodbye. We had agreed to go see a movie Wed so when wed arrived, as I finished work at 7pm & lived 10 mins from her place, decided I'd call over. Text her I was coming over & she rang me immediately and started telling me sure she'd meet me at the cinema, there was no point in calling over. Wasn't a case of anything suspicious, but she started getting cold on the phone and after me telling her I was only 5 mins away, she said she didn't appreciate me calling in without giving her notice.

 

I got upset & said I didn't see the big deal, I had only ever called in once before & told her we were clearly on different wavelenghts in the relationship if this was such a big issue. She said we were and in the moment, I said maybe we shouldn't meet tonight after all. We left it at that, but I text her 5 mins later to say I'd meet her at cinema and she agreed & said she'd be there in 30.

I was worked up but played it down and said no need to make a mountain out of a molehill. I loved this girl & didn't want to introduce any conflict. When I met her, kissed her and apologised for earlier, saying I had a bad day at work. She said "well, don't take it out on me!", and I just left it at that. Once things had thawed a bit, we got on great, laughing and holding hands in the cinema. Went for a long walk afterwards and we kissed each other goodbye. She said we'd organise something next week as she was going back to her hometown for the weekend. Little did I know this was the last time I would ever she her.

 

Next day, I sent her a text saying felt bad about the day before & hope all was ok. She said don't worry about it, had been surprised at my reaction but maybe there was misinterpretation etc. Said she still really liked me.

She text me Friday night when she'd been out with her friends and I said I'd give her a bit of space Sat/Sun. Text her Sunday night, and after a few texts where she didn't seem as warm, asked her was everything ok? Text me back, no, that she didn't want to waste my time and that she'd given it much thought over the weekend but that we were not going to work long-term and that was that. Said she had been going to say it next week to me but I had asked her if all was well & said she wanted to be honest. I rang her immediately, thinking, what the hell is going on! We had a long conversation of which it seemed her decision lay with two incidents from our last week together. One at the hotel and that tiff we had on the phone before the cinema. Hotel wise, couldn't think of any disagreement we had. She said actions speak louder than words and it was a reflection of who I was.

 

I responded to all this, explaining that certainly wed was a once-off and downplaying it all. Agreed we'd meet the next day, and I left the conversation thinking everything was going to be ok.

Next day, she asked me to meet her in town with a cold text, I got stupidly emotional & sent her a message asking how she could end things over 2 small incidents when we had been getting on so well. She replied that she'd given things thought & meeting wouldn't change her mind, thus she told me she was now refusing to meet me.

And that has been it.

 

Communication in the days that followed veared completely away from the No Contact rule as I seeked to understand how or why this ended. Nothing made sense. I asked her outright was her ex (who lives in the same city she went to for the weekend) or someone else involved as this would make more sense. She said no mystery or drama, no one else involved and we simply weren't suited and the right match. Again, said she didn't want to waste my time once her mind was made up.

I sent her a text telling her I accepted the decision and wishing her all the best for the future. She replied kindly & that was that. Still unable to come to terms with it however, sent her a friendly message a few days later (somewhat a reply to her last message to me) & at the end, said I knew her mind was made up & not about trying to change anything, but would she consider meeting in a few weeks for a bit of closure & to end things amicably as friends. As expected, I never heard back.

The way I look at it, there are likely 3 or 4 reasons for the breakup

 

1. She genuinely felt we weren't suited for a while (despite telling me the opposite).
   
2. Got freaked out with these 2 incidents (despite seeming ok after both).
   
3. Commitment issues. Meeting my friends and going away together preceded the breakup.
   
4. Someone else or her ex involved. Never had a reason to suspect anything & she seemed genuine with our communication post-breakup. However, experience has taught me sometimes when someone goes cold suddenly like that, someone else can sometimes be involved.
   

2.

 

It could also simply be a combination of 1-3.

 

 

 

But I'm heartbroken, struggling to deal with it, and asking myself was I completely delusional in thinking things were so good. It was a short relationship but we were in such constant contact & got along so well (why would she say we were not suited..?), it felt so much longer.

 

 

 

I basically got dumped by text (which frankly does say a lot about her character). She could have rung at least but I was the one who had to ring her. Rang her only ever once after, the next day, and she refused to answer. Truthfully, I find it so unfair that we couldn't at least meet in person to end things or that she'd have some respect or courtesy for me to do so. To be fair, she had been willing to meet but I got emotional in one text that day & I guess that just put her off meeting.

 

 

 

I always felt if I had been there in person, we could have sorted whatever issues were going through her head or at least discuss what happened. Instead, I'm informed by text it's over these 2 incidents, and then told later it's because we weren't suited. I know all that really matters is they ended it, we never really get closure, her behaviour at the end wasn't exactly very nice, and I should religiously observe the No Contact rule etc But feel I have truly lost the 'one' & not sure I'll ever have that chance again.

 

 

Any advice would be very much appreciated!

Edited August 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

4. Someone else or her ex involved. Never had a reason to suspect anything & she seemed genuine with our communication post-breakup. However, experience has taught me sometimes when someone goes cold suddenly like that, someone else can sometimes be involved.

Yes that seems the most likely explanation of her, quite frankly, crazy behaviour when you offered to pop round hers before the cinema. If I offered to pop round my gf's before going out she would be over the moon.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are hurting but you may have gotten too attached too quickly to someone who was too unstable to deal with your level of commitment. I don't mean unstable in a mean way, just that she has commitment issues, & was still healing from a break up. Nobody gets over a 7 year relationship in a few months.

[johnson_j]

Give her some credit, she was honest about being out of a recent relationship. That there was your cue to exit stage right, and you kept on going into the fire. Next time - when a girl says she is straight (<6 months) out of any relationship, walk away and maintain low contact for a long period of time.

 

 

The fact she went hot and then cold overnight shows how toxic she is, especially after a visit back home where it's likely there was some trigger to the ex, if not a hookup between them.

[kfm]

Hey folks,

 

Thanks for the replies. I did something probably shouldn't have but reread our messages over the last 5 days before our breakup.

 

She had actually apologised for her behaviour when I was going to call in to her on the Thursday. Followed with a kiss goodnight as we always did every night. Likewise, she had text me she'd had such a lovely time at that spa retreat I'd booked us in that weekend. With our little tiff on the wed, I'd suggested holding off going away on holidays & she said that was ok, that she spooks easily & feels it's a little soon for her. Said we get on really well & didn't want to spoil things too soon. Red flag or commitment issues?

 

I wasn't in touch Friday when she was going to her friends birthday in her town where her ex lives and Sat night she came home at 9 and that was the first time something didn't seem quite right when I messaged her. Just a little less affection. She sent me the breakup text the next day.

 

She had agreed to meet me the Monday but later that day said she'd given a lot of thought to things & meeting up wouldn't change anything.

 

Rereading our final messages & the reasons she gives for breaking up was that we're not as well suited as we thought, need for finding the right match etc. When I asked her outright was her ex or anyone else involved, said no big mystery or drama, no one else involved, again, just not suited.

 

I guess I kinda believe her when she says no one else involved but the timing does seem a little suspect. She was always somewhat a little kind of guarded when we were going out, I just took this to be her style coupled with her commitment issues. Maybe she was just undecided. Just shame she would text the opposite.

 

It's just crazy to breakup over text & I haven't had the chance to really speak to her let alone see her face to face.

[johnson_j]

Read around here a bit - they ALL deny another man involved.

 

 

My ex denied it until I showed her her own marriage certificate. Then she said "what can I say since you already know".

 

 

Leave this girl in the dustbin - she doesn't respect you, and by talking to her you're not respecting yourself.

[kfm]

Like I was saying, often not always, I find someone else is involved when things suddenly go dramatically cold. It's like the switch just goes off out of nowhere.

 

Is that people's experience? Do partners ever admit to being back with their ex or someone else involved?

[mightycpa]

Is that people's experience? Do partners ever admit to being back with their ex or someone else involved?

 

Rarely, because most people around here learn to never talk to them again.

[kfm]

Meant to say, at the time of breaking up, do girls ever admit to being back with an ex or someone else? Or do they give some generic reason as I would have assumed most do...

[kfm]

Should add, I had met this girl on Tinder. She's the only girl I have ever met from them as always preffered the more conventional approach.

 

Just logged back in to see if she had possibly been online before our breakup. I had avoided doing this as just didn't want to know at the time of our breakup.

 

And turns out our messaging is gone. So I have either been blocked by her/unmatched or she deleted her account. No idea when this happened so could have been before we broke up or after. Find it unlikely she deleted her account unless she was back with her ex or maybe just felt it wasn't for her after I was the 4th person person to get dumped by her.

 

And if I have been blocked, that really hurts as she clearly doesn't want me to see she was using it & when she had been on it. Tough to think she's clearly already moving on less than a week after breaking up...

[lauri]

In my humble opinion, something doesn't add up right with her. Firstly, having the mentality that this girl is the one is something that could really scare away a girl. I'm not sure if she sensed this or not, but in the past when I thought like that about someone I messed up so bad and did things that worked against me.

 

Secondly, she just got out of a 7 year relationship. Its really really hard for someone who spent 7 years with one partner to get over them completely. You cannot get too attached to someone who went through a breakup with someone of that legnth. The whole getting upset with her over small things shouldn't really push this over the edge to a breakup at all...the probability is she already had someone else or her ex is still in the picture and she used these incidents as an excuse to not make you "realize" the "real" truth.

 

My suggestion to you is to cut her out completely and cut your losses. Don't show her you care about the breakup anymore and don't put yourself into a situation where you can be hurt more by her. Its easy for her to move on so quickly because she has been thinking about ending it for a very long time already.

Edited August 20, 2014 by lauri

[kfm]

Thanks Lauri, my difficulty in moving on is thinking that there may have been non one else in the picture & that she over reacted to some of those minor things (though she apologised the days after) & coupled with her commitment issues pushed it over the edge. But once she broke up, she was so definite and resolute, no discussion whatsoever or meeting up. It was 2 excuses, these incidents initially "actions speak louder than words, I can only judge you by what I have seen" and "we're not going anywhere long term, finding out we're both not as similar as we once thought, don't want to waste your time". Things had been a little tetchy in my mind only on the wed but other than that, I hadn't really seen anything for concern to be honest.

 

I always believed if it was an overreaction, if we'd met up, I was convinced I could have sorted it out. Hence my pain in all this.

 

But I'm probably clutching at straws here. I find it hard to think she was with anyone else before given how well things seemed to be going & spending our last weekend/sleeping together. But maybe I was just completely gullible. Her complete clinical and cold resoluteness in breaking up, the lack of respect and courtesy to come meet me, and then ultimately ignoring me is pretty damning.

 

The reaction wanting rid of me ASAP seems to be of someone who found someone else. There is likely information I ultimately don't know as something is just wrong with the whole thing.

 

Man, it's depressing. Finding it hard to let go because I loved her as much as I did & I simply don't really know the true reason & likely never will of this breakup. I'm so tempted to call her out on the last 2 days before the breakup and ask her again if ex or someone else involved. Guess she'll just deny it though. To be honest, I'm at the stage where I couldn't really care for my dignity and just want answers and would tell her I'd rather hear it from her than find out from someone else.

 

This has really turned me off dating for a while, completely disillusioned as I used to be a very good judge of character & can't understand why I was so wrong.

Edited August 20, 2014 by kfm

[PegNosePete]

Meant to say, at the time of breaking up, do girls ever admit to being back with an ex or someone else? Or do they give some generic reason as I would have assumed most do...

Mostly a cheater will lie lie lie and lie until the cows come home. Even when confronted with incontrovertible evidence, they will still lie directly to your face.

[Zeurich]

Honestly sorry about what you going through! Don' get attached way too much in the first place, in every relationship there are little little incidents. May be she cannot handle her emotional sates or she might going through a hard time, what ever happens for a reason. Let her go from your head. Hope you feel better soon.

[SoThatHappened]

Like I was saying, often not always, I find someone else is involved when things suddenly go dramatically cold. It's like the switch just goes off out of nowhere.

 

That's your gut, or sixth sense, or whatever innate ability we have to discern that things are over, even before the breakup has occurred.

 

I felt the "switch" go off with my ex while we were... ahem... testing out a hotel bed.

 

It was so real to me, that I even wanted to stop in the middle of it and ask her if she felt the same thing.

 

Three days later, relationship over. Why? Because she was interested in a co-worker.

 

Trust your gut feeling on this.

[mightycpa]

I re-read this one, and something caught my eye this time:

 

She said actions speak louder than words and it was a reflection of who I was.

 

I don't know what you did at that hotel, but whatever it was, you reminded her of somebody else she knows that likely disappointed her, and the bubble popped in that very instant.

 

It is another guy, but not the way everybody is thinking. You now represent an echo of her past that she doesn't like.

 

You're done, she will never see you in another light. You've been pigeonholed. Fairly or unfairly, it doesn't matter.

 

That's my take.

[kfm]

Thanks, it seems I certainly got too attached for my own good.

 

About something I did to disappoint, I just don't know. She had messages me the day after the hotel trip to say thanks and that she had had a really lovely weekend. Again, nothing to suggest there'd been a huge breakdown.

 

It's amazing, one could speculate non stop as to the reasons, if someone else or I did something which disappointed her and sees me in a different light. Certainly, the only brief conversation I had with her, she alluded to the wed & Sunday. I don't really drink but had had some alcohol at the hotel that night. She had asked me was that why I didn't drink on our phone conversation..

[mightycpa]

I don't really drink but had had some alcohol at the hotel that night. She had asked me was that why I didn't drink on our phone conversation..

 

That's it. I wonder if you got a little drunk. I'd bet money she has some drama in her family where alcohol was/is the cause. You are a screen, and she projected all the bad **** in her life on you caused by, I'm guessing, alcohol.

[kfm]

She was actually quite a fan of wine herself & drank on every night out so never got any impression there was an issue with alcohol.

 

Messaged her tonight asking how her vacation was. As expected, no reply.

 

It's quite amazing, can't really get my finger around what turned her off the whole thing like that & wanting me out of her life asap, no discussion.

 

Someone else involved would certainly fit the bill. Just find it hard to think she could change so suddenly & go off me just like that, breakup & not willing to discuss anything and now blanking me. Really felt treated as if we'd only been on 2 dates and the whole thing wasn't a big deal in her mind.

 

Each day that passes things get easier but the lack of knowing, how I must have meant nothing to her to be treated like I was & question marks over if anyone else was involved still weigh me down. It's like I want her to know I believe something must have happened despite her denials and let her know her whole approach to ending it smacked of a serious lack of respect, courtesy or compassion.

 

Falling in love is simply one of the most amazing feelings but when it ends so abruptly & over text, it has to be one of the most painful experiences.

Edited August 21, 2014 by kfm

[D-Lish]

Falling in love is simply one of the most amazing feelings but when it ends so abruptly & over text, it has to be one of the most painful experiences.

 

It's absolutely the best feeling to fall in love- and the worst to have it end. I'm sorry this happened.

 

I honestly don't believe it's anything you did- it's entirely her issue. 7 Years is a long time, and it hasn't really been that long since that ended.

 

I was a huge mess after my exH and I divorced- we were together for almost 10. It took me a good 3-4 years to recover from that. I did date afterwards, but my heart wasn't fully healed and I had a difficult time opening up to anyone. I ran away scared more than a few times.

 

You may not ever know what exactly happened- but racking your brain trying to figure out where YOU went wrong isn't the right way to handle the break up. Your little spats seem pretty minor, certainly not something to break up over. I think she's just not emotionally ready- and there is nothing you or anyone can do about that.

 

I know that it seems like things would improve if you only knew "why"- but the truth is, it probably wouldn't make a difference in how hurt you feel.

[kfm]

UPDATE:

 

So sent this girl a message today asking her had she given any consideration to letting me meet her to at least just say a goodbye. I told her meeting someone when ending a relationship, though difficult, is surely the right way to go about things. Told her I think most people would agree on this. Said I'd respect whatever reasons she may have not to meet but would appreciate if she'd let me know one way or the other.

 

She got back to me and her reply was:

 

"I see where you're coming from but suppose it's another way in which we differ. I don't see any constructive reason for us to meet. It's a pity things didn't work out but I think that dragging it out is unnecessary drama. Hope all well with you!"

 

So there you have it. Her message again doesn't make me feel someone else involved with her comment "another way in which we differ", which alludes to our seeming differences (which are largely still unknown to me!).

 

I took some heart from the "pity things didn't work out comment" which makes me feel she had seen something positive in the relationship.

 

I wrote a long email in which I addressed a lot of things that I discussed here. I will likely send this to her at some stage and then leave it at that and NC from there on in.

[ThorntonMelon]

Please do not send that email. Sadly, for whatever the reason, she is not interested at all in you anymore. She considers you unnecessary drama.

 

I think you saw the actress in her for the good part of your relationship and this is the real her.

[lauri]

UPDATE:

 

So sent this girl a message today asking her had she given any consideration to letting me meet her to at least just say a goodbye. I told her meeting someone when ending a relationship, though difficult, is surely the right way to go about things. Told her I think most people would agree on this. Said I'd respect whatever reasons she may have not to meet but would appreciate if she'd let me know one way or the other.

 

She got back to me and her reply was:

 

"I see where you're coming from but suppose it's another way in which we differ. I don't see any constructive reason for us to meet. It's a pity things didn't work out but I think that dragging it out is unnecessary drama. Hope all well with you!"

 

So there you have it. Her message again doesn't make me feel someone else involved with her comment "another way in which we differ", which alludes to our seeming differences (which are largely still unknown to me!).

 

I took some heart from the "pity things didn't work out comment" which makes me feel she had seen something positive in the relationship.

 

I wrote a long email in which I addressed a lot of things that I discussed here. I will likely send this to her at some stage and then leave it at that and NC from there on in.

 

NO

 

NO

 

NO

 

DO NOT SEND HER AN EMAIL.

 

 

Man, what are you going on about? Let me break down her response to you:

 

"I see where you're coming from but suppose it's another way in which we differ."

 

- Means I do not respect you enough to say it to your face. I've been wanting to break up with you for a long time but was hiding it in. I've let you push me to the point where I have little to no interest in you

 

"I don't see any constructive reason for us to meet. "

 

- Means that she sees no chance of you two ever getting back together. She either already has someone else and would spend her time with him or she just really doesn't want to see you because she thinks there is nothing she can say to you anymore. She doesn't want to be put into an awkward situation and see you breakdown / get false hope.

 

"It's a pity things didn't work out but I think that dragging it out is unnecessary drama. Hope all well with you!"

 

- She is just saying this to be nice. She really doesn't care if you are doing well because she ended it with you and was ignoring you. She thinks that you would be very dramatic in terms of the breakup and judging by how you are constantly messaging her, you are weak and unable to move on. She's getting a huge ego boost from you - you would have burned her hard if you didn't message her once and just moved on. Now she has her validation and you completely drilled her interest level in you to the ground.

 

Want to know my suggestion? Disappear now. Do not respond to her. Stop giving this girl an ego boost while she is going into some next guys arms. I'm sorry to be so blunt with you but if you send her an email you will appear so weak and needy. Enough is enough man. You are clutching at straws...

[kfm]

Should clarify, I'm under no illusions that her response is cut and dry, we're done and I'm history as far as she's concerned.

 

Thanks Lauri, you're right in a lot of what you say but at the same time, I wouldn't necessarily agree with all of your interpretations. As regards sending an email, yes, it will likely make me appear weak & needy but what difference will it make at this stage now anyhow? My frustration stems from being unable to have been able to convey or discuss my side of things and to express my confusion why things ended so dramatically as they did. It is not accusatory or a letter begging to be taken back. I appreciate I will likely never truly know the reasons why she went from seemingly so interested to going completely off me.

 

I understand why many will disagree with sending such a message. It's certainly not going to help my cause whatsoever nor her perception of me but then again, it's plainly obvious nothing can be salvaged from this by her message.

 

I guess I'll think about it over the next few days but I do appreciate the advice guys

[Requiem4Dreams]

As regards sending an email, yes, it will likely make me appear weak & needy but what difference will it make at this stage now anyhow? My frustration stems from being unable to have been able to convey or discuss my side of things and to express my confusion why things ended so dramatically as they did. It is not accusatory or a letter begging to be taken back. I appreciate I will likely never truly know the reasons why she went from seemingly so interested to going completely off me.

 

I understand why many will disagree with sending such a message. It's certainly not going to help my cause whatsoever nor her perception of me but then again, it's plainly obvious nothing can be salvaged from this by her message.

 

I guess I'll think about it over the next few days but I do appreciate the advice guys

 

I will never understand this. If you know that it will damage you more, and push you back at the same time what exactly is the point of doing it? Is it that you believe that you will get a different response than the thousands of others who have done the same thing on this site?

 

Human psychology teaches us the psyche of the human mind, and how everyone is ultimately grouped into different tiers, and if you pay attention you'll see that it is cut and paste. We all do the same things, we all make the same mistakes. Look into any other thread on this site from a broken hearted man or women looking for closure, and sending a last e-mail and you will find the exact response each time.

 

It re-opens the wound, it pushes them farther back, it portrays a weakness and neediness of the poster, it burns bridges, and it pisses people off. What you need to accept and totally take from this is you will never get a real reason, you will never get closure. Closure comes from one place, and one place only, and that is within you.

 

It's the ability to say, "You know what? I really don't care what it is, I don't need it because what she did to me, and how she did it was completely unacceptable. I deserve better than that, and I always will". It's about respecting yourself and discovering your boundaries, and ultimately about letting go, moving on, and becoming better in your own life.

 

We determine our lives, our futures, and how we progress towards them. We need to come to the understanding that we don't need a companion to exist, that if we require love, we can give that love to ourselves.

 

Accept it, move on, live, and you will have done something that a lot of people don't do, or refuse to do because they believe in false hopes, or desires for clarification.