Dating while still recovering from a breakup

[SoThatHappened]

So I'd like to start dating soon, but I learned a lesson back in October after dating while still heartbroken, so I'm still just working on myself instead.

 

It was about 2 weeks after getting my heart stomped on the first time by my current ex. My aunt wanted to set me up with this really "cute" girl. I thought, if she's so cute, why is she single?

 

Turned out she was beautiful and I setup a date with her. Didn't find out she was beautiful until I met her... not that shallow

 

We hit it off. Went on 4 or 5 dates, but the whole time I was a wreck inside. She also mentioned something on our 3rd date that struck me. She said that she's had her heart ripped out, and I could tell it was still fresh, just the way she said it.

 

I wanted to engage in that conversation, but didn't want to delve into talking about exes. I was trying to make things work with her, because I was a mess and was enjoying the outlet. I thought she would be the biggest help to get over some heartbreak.

 

However, after the 5th date, she went cold and told me there was no spark. There wasn't. I was trying to act like my normal self, but my mind was always on the ex. She tried to initiate something. Grabbed me after one date and kissed me like she wanted me to take things further. I didn't. I might as well have high-fived her at that point. My heart wasn't there.

 

But, after reading a few posts on here from other women who have dated while still brokenhearted, I've seen some similarities... that there's no spark on their end.

 

Is this true ladies?

 

Looking back I think it's pretty tough for a brokenhearted person to really put themselves back "out there"... let alone when both parties are still hurting from an ex.

[HappyLove]

I think people should take the time to heal. It's not fair to the person you're dating to use them to make yourself feel better.

[frigginlost]

Exactly.

 

Dating two weeks after:

 

Dumpee -- Completely unfair to the person you date. Your head is not right and it's cruel to the other person who may develop feelings.

 

Dumper -- Screams of a major character flaw. And quite honestly, tells who and what that person is.

[mightycpa]

STH, you're not really brokenhearted still, are you? If you are, I'd say no, not yet. But I don't get that sense. You might be a little despondent, that's all.

 

I don't mean to rub it in, but at early 30's, your pool of never-been-married candidates is diminishing, and the percentage of women who are single moms is on a rapid rise. To me, they are not the best candidate for a never-been-married guy. Your ideal candidate is someone who shares your lack of experience. And those single moms come with plenty of baggage, and I don't mean just the child(ren).

 

At this point in your life, I'd say you should probably be dating a lot, multiple women at one time in fact, although you should stay honest and forthright about that. Many will still give you sex, even though you're clear that there is no real chance for love. They've got needs too, you know?

 

I don't think you should go steady with anybody unless you really fall for her, and obviously, you won't fall for everybody you go out with. You need to change your dating style to reflect your age.

 

Just have some fun, entertain ladies often, and if you don't screw them over, you should end up with a lot of female friends, which almost always means you'll meet a lot more females in the long run. Many of the women I dated just a couple times and stayed in touch with (invited later to parties or other group activities but not as a date) ended up setting me up with their friends, or introducing me to same.

 

At this point in your life, if you want to end up as a lifelong partner with somebody, you need to keep some volume running through the pipeline.

 

Personally, I think the practice that you get from dating is awesome, and you can learn a lot from dating lots of women. A lot of my friends decided to "work on themselves" and that's what they did on too many Saturday nights. They didn't develop confidence in their dealings with women, and that put them at a disadvantage in the long term.

 

Besides, it's a lot of fun, isn't it? Unless you're brokenhearted.

 

EDIT: Geographic Disclosure

 

I live in an area that has more unmarried women than unmarried men. It is therefore an environment where men don't need to act as competitively as they might in a place like Pittsburgh, for example. There, the guys are genuinely nice to women, and there is a desire to get married early and take care of them. In my area, well, let's just say that women find that men act the way you'd expect them to act if the ratios are what they are. So I suppose my advice does not necessarily work in all parts of the country, and it won't be as easy to do what I did and get the same reaction from women you used to date.

Edited August 18, 2014 by mightycpa

[hoping2heal]

So I'd like to start dating soon, but I learned a lesson back in October after dating while still heartbroken, so I'm still just working on myself instead.

 

It was about 2 weeks after getting my heart stomped on the first time by my current ex. My aunt wanted to set me up with this really "cute" girl. I thought, if she's so cute, why is she single?

 

Turned out she was beautiful and I setup a date with her. Didn't find out she was beautiful until I met her... not that shallow

 

We hit it off. Went on 4 or 5 dates, but the whole time I was a wreck inside. She also mentioned something on our 3rd date that struck me. She said that she's had her heart ripped out, and I could tell it was still fresh, just the way she said it.

 

I wanted to engage in that conversation, but didn't want to delve into talking about exes. I was trying to make things work with her, because I was a mess and was enjoying the outlet. I thought she would be the biggest help to get over some heartbreak.

 

However, after the 5th date, she went cold and told me there was no spark. There wasn't. I was trying to act like my normal self, but my mind was always on the ex. She tried to initiate something. Grabbed me after one date and kissed me like she wanted me to take things further. I didn't. I might as well have high-fived her at that point. My heart wasn't there.

 

But, after reading a few posts on here from other women who have dated while still brokenhearted, I've seen some similarities... that there's no spark on their end.

 

Is this true ladies?

 

Looking back I think it's pretty tough for a brokenhearted person to really put themselves back "out there"... let alone when both parties are still hurting from an ex.

 

I personally think it's a terrible idea to date while you're still hung up on someone else. For one thing, new person will automatically be compared to the ex in a completely subjective manner. Italian food is wonderful, but if you have a yearning for chinese and eat italian you still feel unsatisfied later on and yearn for that chinese...I mean yeah okay food analogies but when you think about it, this is really what happens when you try to date while still emotionally hung up on another person.

 

Also, this new person is someone who is willing to trust you and open up to you (you know, generally) and it's pretty hurtful if you think about it that they might really start to fall for you but you're hung up over someone else. I just think it's a crappy, crappy way to treat people. And people with low self-esteem who will just let you do it to them knowing your emotional state is really no excuse either (imho).

 

There are ways to feel good about yourself again without using an innocent person. Just my .02

[elseaacych]

From someone who was, and is, to some extent still brokenhearted, I started actively dating about a month after being dumped. I've gone on dates with about six or seven guys guys, some twice or three times, one I asked out myself. It wasn't that there was no spark. (I really wanted the one that I asked out to work out.) It's just that for some reason or another we didn't mesh well, and it wasn't because I wasn't over my ex.

 

From my perspective, you have to want to be there, and chemistry will take care of the rest. Though when you have no chemistry, it's pretty hard when you are going on sheer willpower alone!

Edited August 18, 2014 by elseaacych

[SoThatHappened]

Exactly.

 

Dating two weeks after:

 

Dumpee -- Completely unfair to the person you date. Your head is not right and it's cruel to the other person who may develop feelings.

 

Dumper -- Screams of a major character flaw. And quite honestly, tells who and what that person is.

Totally agree.

 

I was the dumpee hoping I could make it work and move on. Not using her, but naive that I could not be completely available to someone else at that time. First time I've ever done that and learned that lesson.

 

It was doomed to start. We were both in the same boat (I could tell her wounds were fresh).

[SoThatHappened]

STH, you're not really brokenhearted still, are you? If you are, I'd say no, not yet. But I don't get that sense. You might be a little despondent, that's all.

 

Not brokenhearted, but still hurt a bit.

 

I don't mean to rub it in, but at early 30's, your pool of never-been-married candidates is diminishing, and the percentage of women who are single moms is on a rapid rise. To me, they are not the best candidate for a never-been-married guy. Your ideal candidate is someone who shares your lack of experience. And those single moms come with plenty of baggage, and I don't mean just the child(ren).

 

Ouch! I realize that, and I see plenty of single moms my age. This culture wants to get married / have kids before they are certain they're right for each other. I'm built the opposite way.

 

I understand the baggage single moms come with. Not ideal, but as you mentioned, not getting any younger!

 

On the flip side, I don't think most people are truly ready to get married until late 20's, early 30's. I have so many friends who got married early, were miserable, so figured kids would fix it... now they are compelled to stay together because of the kids. Nnnnnnno thanks on that.

 

At this point in your life, I'd say you should probably be dating a lot, multiple women at one time in fact, although you should stay honest and forthright about that.

 

...

 

At this point in your life, if you want to end up as a lifelong partner with somebody, you need to keep some volume running through the pipeline.

 

Personally, I think the practice that you get from dating is awesome, and you can learn a lot from dating lots of women.

Maybe you're right. I've never been a cereal dater. Was never ready to settle down until the long-term ex when I was 28 or so. Ready to now though.

[shoegal4]

She tried to initiate something. Grabbed me after one date and kissed me like she wanted me to take things further. I didn't. I might as well have high-fived her at that point. My heart wasn't there.

 

I think that kind of says it all. Ya know?

 

However, you stuck it out 4-5 times with this girl and really tried. You are much better than me. I went on one date back in mid-July and knew right from the rip that I wasn't going to see him for a second date. No spark. I figured my heart was too broken.

 

Then I met someone at the end of July and really sparked. For the first time in a long time. When you know, you know. I unfortunately will never see that man again (lol of course, right?) due to us living in different countries but I'm happy to know it can still happen.

 

I think if two people are right for one another, anything can happen. I personally think that if your heart is still broken from your ex, you need to take care of yourself first. Only then will the dream girl come. To me, the best sparks come when you least expect them to. When you're finally ready, it will happen.

[music_and_poetry]

I think it's a delicate balance. For me, my most recent ex will never truly be GONE from my mind but that being said there's a difference between dating when you're still crying over him, waiting by the phone, not living your life, etc.

 

My life is moving forward. I still think about him daily but the pain is not as fresh and I've gotten to a point where I understand that he did not treat me well and I generally want to find someone who is prepared to treat me better. I am willing to put my pain aside to give someone else a chance. To me that's the difference.

 

Ask yourself this - if your ex boyfriend called during your date would you want to answer the phone? What if he showed up? Would you abandon your date. For me all those answers are NO! He doesn't deserve me right now and I am moving forward full steam ahead.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I went through a similar thing.

 

Started dating less than a month after being dumped... however, the things my ex said to me at the end really made me wonder if I was quite the "wreck" she described me as. I wanted to get my confidence back.

 

Went on a few first dates that never went any further; I didn't want to hurt anyone, and they could probably tell I was still a trainwreck. I did meet one who wasn't looking for anything more than FWB, and we remained in that role for a couple months.

 

I didn't even try a "relationship" intent date for a few months, and didn't even consider anyone who might be permanent until last month. So that's seven months, which seems to be about average.

 

I'll never completely be over my ex. The bond was just too close for it ever to go away completely. But it's faded enough that I can move on.

[Dash23]

Lots of great advice in here, and I agree with pretty much everything Mightycpa has to say.

 

STH, you and I are VERY similar at the moment. Early 30's, recently got out of serious relationships, and although we may not be 'shattered/heartbroken' anymore, our spirits are still down.

 

Like most people have already said, I think it really depends where your headspace is at, and only you truthfully know that by being honest with yourself. Eg. I don't think I'm necessarily ready to start a serious relationship at the moment, but I am capable of meeting new people and have been doing a lot of that recently. But I also give off an honest dimeanor of what my intentions are and women can pick up/feel that very quickly. So I haven't been hurting anyone as I haven't been trying to sell something that I am not.

 

I think as we get older, we become a lot more honest with people (whether its what they want to hear or not) and we don't take petty things to heart as much. If you are ready to meet new people then why not, I NEVER go into an initial date thinking "I'm looking for a relationship now!" That is silly, you're simply getting to know more about each other. Eg. yesterday, I had a coffee date with someone, no ex husband, no kids, and it was pleasant, and I definitely got the feeling that she cut it off a little earlier then she really needed to - I don't think she was overly interested, and neither am I but we had some great laughs and learned that we know A LOT of the same mutual people, which made for some funny story telling. In the end, no harm, no foul there on both ends.

 

On the other hand, throughout the months I have been hanging out from time to time with another girl in her mid thirties/kids, etc. We've had lots of fun but I can tell she either wants to progress/or just remain friends, and she is happy either way. And I won't inject myself into a single mother's life (who has 4 kids to boot!) and she respects that - also the chemistry is there as friends, but not quite for a relationship. That is a good point that people brought up in this thread - if you're in a good head space, the chemistry, or lack there of, will take care of the rest!

 

You got to be truly honest with yourself and what you are ready for - is it simply meeting people, then great. Are you ready for a relationship, great. And also as important, being honest with the person you are spending time with if the need for that conversation ever arises. I wouldn't want to lead someone on, and in our thirties, people aren't looking to waste each others time.

 

I agree with MightyCPA that dating several women is great and increases your chances of meeting someone special (and it's great practice/a lot of fun meeting new exciting people from different walks of life). But everyone has to stay true to themselves, if you prefer only dating one person at a time, do it. Of course, when you are ready to and over the part of your ex that still haunts you.

Edited August 18, 2014 by Dash23