Feeling Guilty!

[Lost_Soul_86]

Hi Everyone,

 

Really, totally confused about my relationship and what it is i want from it. We have been together for 10 months now He's great, loving, makes me laugh he hasn't changed over our relationship and he really is my best friend. But for the past 4 months i've lost the desire to be with him and i don't know why he's done absolutely nothing wrong. I really don't know what else to say to explain my feelings. I feel like I am forcing myself to come up with false reasons for why the relationship has gone sour. We have had some arguments but nothing extremely bad usually its over petty stuff that we can laugh about afterwards. We have common interests. But the feelings are no longer there.

 

I tried to explain to him the other day exactly how i was feeling and that i wasn't sure if i loved him enough (I do love him but its not the forever, complete love you generally have for someone) and to be honest i don't think i can see a future with him. I asked for a break to get my head together without contact for a month but its absolutely devastating, one of the main reasons why i feel so god damn guilty is that he's told me i'm his only support network (He rarely talks to his family) and that all of his friends don't understand because there either married, or in long term relationships or basically have never had this happen before. He told me that every girl before me has burnt him and that before me he was sad, lonely and depressed and when he met me he finally thought he could be with someone forever that could show him the same type of love that he gives. At the end of it all he said "i hope you can love me" this broke my heart!! He is such a lovely guy who deserves as much love as he gives out but i just don't know if i can be the one to give him that.

 

Before i met him i was in a long term relationship for a very long time, that ended because my ex was no longer "in love with me" i wonder if i'm supposed to have the same amount of love as i did for my ex? That was a complete i could spend the rest of my life with you type of love.

 

I know no one can tell me here what's right or wrong but if i'm not 100% into it or close to 100% then should the relationship end? I want to know how other people approached these emotions and did you experience doubts after breaking up? I'm desperate! I don't know what to feel all i know is the guilt is and sadness i feel for him is eating me alive. He really is a broken man and i feel as if i've just caused him another few years of pain.

 

Would love to hear anyone elses story's and how they panned out?

[myhearthurtsbadly]

Unfortunately you can't make your heart love someone, it just happens.

 

Having been on the other side of someone falling out of love with me recently your post is painful to read.

 

Looking at it philosophically, you should give him the chance to find someone who will love him totally.

 

Just make sure then if you do break up with him, you treat him as he deserves to be treated. He will be devastated, he will probably call you in tears as you are moving on. Never do anything to add to his pain. If you can't speak to him, tell him why, don't just ignore him.

 

The manner in which you break up with him will ultimately dictate the level of pain he feels.

[lonewalker]

I think you didnt want to be with him. But i believe really love isnt that kind of passion that will always stay.

 

When the chemical rush is over. What is left is responsibilities and being used to be with someone.

 

But if u r just pitying him.. then i think u shouldnt. Coz thats what happened to me. And the pain just dragged for another 4 years.

 

I was the one u described so i suggest u to be the bad guy and be cruel to him. At least he can heal one day even if he doesnt now.

[Zeurich]

I have read your story, the reason of your confusion is you are in between of your ex and your present.

 

Before i met him i was in a long term relationship for a very long time, that ended because my ex was no longer "in love with me" i wonder if i'm supposed to have the same amount of love as i did for my ex? That was a complete i could spend the rest of my life with you type of love.

As the way you say I think you are still in love with your ex. Don't mix past and the present. Relationship wont stay long only because of love, relationship is something to work out. And it also shows that you have begun the present relationship when you were not ready for another relationship.

What I think the best is breaking up will bring you regrets, because it is not that cannot love him or you supposed to love him, you are tallying your ex to the present guy, don't do that. you said on your own that you were in very long relationship and it was ended because of he was not in love with you any more, but did you know was he ever loved you even you did? and don't look at the present guy in the frame of your ex. Ex is a past and let it go don't try to live in a past with the present guy.

 

I'm desperate! I don't know what to feel all i know is the guilt is and sadness i feel for him is eating me alive.

So

Talk to him find a solution together give you guys a chance 10 months is too early to decide for anything.

That was a complete i could spend the rest of my life with you type of love.

Then why he stop loving you consider that too...I mean your ex.

 

 

I want to know how other people approached these emotions and did you experience doubts after breaking up?

To feel doubts or regret I won't go for a break up, if I were you I will tell him know how much of pain was previous relationship breaks , and how I felt when my ex boy friend stop loving me, and I will let him to give me his shoulder to cry. And if needed we both go to a relationship therapy.

[Survivor12]

Hi Everyone,

 

Really, totally confused about my relationship and what it is i want from it. We have been together for 10 months now He's great, loving, makes me laugh he hasn't changed over our relationship and he really is my best friend. But for the past 4 months i've lost the desire to be with him and i don't know why he's done absolutely nothing wrong. I really don't know what else to say to explain my feelings. I feel like I am forcing myself to come up with false reasons for why the relationship has gone sour. We have had some arguments but nothing extremely bad usually its over petty stuff that we can laugh about afterwards. We have common interests. But the feelings are no longer there.

 

I tried to explain to him the other day exactly how i was feeling and that i wasn't sure if i loved him enough (I do love him but its not the forever, complete love you generally have for someone) and to be honest i don't think i can see a future with him. I asked for a break to get my head together without contact for a month but its absolutely devastating, one of the main reasons why i feel so god damn guilty is that he's told me i'm his only support network (He rarely talks to his family) and that all of his friends don't understand because there either married, or in long term relationships or basically have never had this happen before. He told me that every girl before me has burnt him and that before me he was sad, lonely and depressed and when he met me he finally thought he could be with someone forever that could show him the same type of love that he gives. At the end of it all he said "i hope you can love me" this broke my heart!! He is such a lovely guy who deserves as much love as he gives out but i just don't know if i can be the one to give him that.

 

Before i met him i was in a long term relationship for a very long time, that ended because my ex was no longer "in love with me" i wonder if i'm supposed to have the same amount of love as i did for my ex? That was a complete i could spend the rest of my life with you type of love.

 

I know no one can tell me here what's right or wrong but if i'm not 100% into it or close to 100% then should the relationship end? I want to know how other people approached these emotions and did you experience doubts after breaking up? I'm desperate! I don't know what to feel all i know is the guilt is and sadness i feel for him is eating me alive. He really is a broken man and i feel as if i've just caused him another few years of pain.

 

Would love to hear anyone elses story's and how they panned out?

 

You don't really need to hear anyone else's story--you've got 1st hand experience! Your ex broke up with you because he wasn't in love with you & although I'm sure it was painful to hear, you survived, right? Well, your bf will, too.

 

Although you may think that you're doing him a favor by staying with him, you're not. As much as he may want to be with you, do you really think that you can make him happy if your heart isn't in it? You can't. You've already told him that you don't love him the way he wants to be loved. Now, he will be tortured every day wondering if & when he's going to be dumped, worrying about what he can do do keep you from leaving & feeling lonlier than if he were alone. And, when it finally does end (which it will), he will have wasted time that he could have been healing.

 

No one can be the sole source of happiness for another person. It's up to him to connect with his family & friends & find a healthy balance in his life. Honestly, it sounds as though he could benefit having time alone to figure out how to make himself happy.

 

As for you, the longer you stay in the relationship, the more resentful & unhappy you will become. Eventually, those little spats that you are able to laugh off will become hurtful.

 

And I agree with Zeurich--it sounds as though you have unresolved feelings for your ex. If so, do yourself a favor and work through that before getting back into a relationship with anyone.

[2sunny]

Love is rarely even sided.

 

If it's good - then that may be enough.

 

As long as you're respecting yourself and him by dating him... Then not to worry.

 

If you think it's not fair to him and don't care enough about him - then it's best to allow him to find someone who cares deeply for him.

[jb82]

Speaking from someone who knew several months in to a long term relationship that he wasn't "the one" and now have to come to terms with not only years of wasted time but the entanglement and emotional attachment of our joint life - I would say get out of it when you know. You sound like you are sure. You would not do any favors to stay with him because you feel bad for him. Inevitably the topic will be recurring and damage his self esteem even further. There may be a woman out there for him that will be in love with him but he isn't looking anymore.

 

I regretted every one of my breakups for the first, say 6 months. When you put time in between and think about it rationally rather than emotionally you can see why it didn't work and why it wasn't right. It's that immediate period following a breakup where emotions fluctuate and your mind's chemistry blurs perspective. So yes, you will be sad. But being sad doesn't justify retaining a relationship that isn't meeting your needs.

 

It is what it is. It is a hard life to choose to be in a relationship without having the desire to be with someone. But sometimes it's an easier choice as the fear of the unknown can be even more overwhelming. I would think on it more, but it sounds like you already have your answer.

[Lost_Soul_86]

Thanks to everyone for your input.

 

I in no way would ever intentionally hurt someone, and especially as i have been on the other side of this and had my heart ripped out i know all to well how painful it can be when so unexpected! It's true that i survived, but there was a time where i wasn't sure if i would ever laugh, smile or even want to get out of bed again!

 

I will still give it another week or two to see if my feelings change, but unfortunately if they don't then i have to do the right thing, not just for him but my own sanity to.

I guess that's why i'm feeling so guilty. He's a lovely man with hardly any faults....it just doesn't feel right.

 

If things do come to an end my only hope is that he finds an amazing girl that makes him realises why it never worked out with me in the first place.

 

As for my ex, I probably do have a few issues regarding what happened that i never really addressed...One thing at a time i suppose!

 

I do so much believe that you cant reply on one person to make you happy, i didn't understand that until i went through that major heartbreak.

 

Anyways thanks again for all your replies i will definitely be re-reading them....probably more than once

[mightycpa]

I in no way would ever intentionally hurt someone

I don't mean to be harsh, but because HURT is unavoidable, I'll bet that you will hurt him intentionally.

 

I will still give it another week or two to see if my feelings change, but unfortunately if they don't then i have to do the right thing

What you should be doing is figuring out how you're going to break it to him. So many people don't give a lot of thought to this. They just blurt something out to get it over with. What will you say, what won't you say, and what will you do after the deed is done? You should also have a plan in place just in case he gets clingy, and pesters you to change your mind.

 

I came up with this nugget for an old GF. Feel free to use it:

I can change my mind about this, but I can't change my heart.

[Strength in Healing]

Your feelings may have died because he put a ton of pressure on you by stating you were his only support system, he's been burnt in the past by every gf, etc... that's a lot of weight to carry after so long... not to mention somewhere deep down you probably pitied him, which can kill feelings all in itself.

[Chi townD]

Why do I get the feeling that you're interested in someone else and you want time away to deal with those feelings or pursue them?

[lauri]

Your feelings will not come back for him. I'm afraid, even though he's "perfect", your feelings and interest in him has dropped so low that you're already pushing him out the door. Just be fair to him and end it. Call him right now and explain to him that its not fair and that you have lost interest and that you respect him a lot and don't want to lead him on. Also tell him that you won't be speaking to him any more for his own sake and to allow him to heal and not be in more pain then he needs to be.

 

Your acting all confused when you have given me enough signs to show me that this poor guy is never going to make you fall in love w him again. Its not fair to keep him around.

[Lost_Soul_86]

No its definitely not fair, I guess your all right in some way....apart from Chi Town there is definitely 100% no one else, this has with out a doubt opened my eyes and made me realise i'm in no way shape or form ready for a serious relationship any time soon!

 

All i've been thinking is how i will break it to him, that's the hardest part!

 

Thank you all so much for your responses

 

Good luck to you all

x

[Chi townD]

Uh huh... well, I guess what threw me off was you telling us, that he's great! Loving! makes you laugh! Hasn't changed who he is and is your best friend! What girl DOESN'T want a guy like that? What girl would throw something so good away. Unless, she was seeking interests somewhere else.

 

 

Even the title of your thread is a little off. Feeling guilty. If you made the right choice for yourself and you knew the relationship wasn't going to work out then you probably would feel bad for him. Feel BAD that the relationship didn't work out. But, feel guilty?

 

 

I viewed it as a possible Freudian Slip.

[nightowl1]

You sound like my ex

[Lost_Soul_86]

Well I guess that’s the whole point in why I feel guilty, because there isn’t really anything wrong with him so why is it that I’m feeling this way?

I also said that a lot of the guilt was because he doesn’t really have anyone else in his life, yeah I feel bad that the relationship isn’t working out but I’m entitled to also feel guilty to, that’s not to say that I’m interested in someone else!

Not all people that break up with people are bad people, we do have emotions to and part of those emotions can be guilt, sadness and uncertainty there’s no book to say that you must only feel bad but not guilty is there?

 

No matter how great someone is unfortunately you just can’t force feelings and maybe he just isn’t the right person for me?

When my ex broke up with me I didn’t understand a lot of the things he said to me, the one liners like “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” “The sparks gone” etc etc but now that I’m having the same sort of feelings it’s a lot more clearer to me.

I can see where you’re coming from and everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but it’s definitely not the case in this situation.

[lauri]

Well I guess that’s the whole point in why I feel guilty, because there isn’t really anything wrong with him so why is it that I’m feeling this way?

I also said that a lot of the guilt was because he doesn’t really have anyone else in his life, yeah I feel bad that the relationship isn’t working out but I’m entitled to also feel guilty to, that’s not to say that I’m interested in someone else!

Not all people that break up with people are bad people, we do have emotions to and part of those emotions can be guilt, sadness and uncertainty there’s no book to say that you must only feel bad but not guilty is there?

 

No matter how great someone is unfortunately you just can’t force feelings and maybe he just isn’t the right person for me?

When my ex broke up with me I didn’t understand a lot of the things he said to me, the one liners like “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” “The sparks gone” etc etc but now that I’m having the same sort of feelings it’s a lot more clearer to me.

I can see where you’re coming from and everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but it’s definitely not the case in this situation.

 

I've come to a realization that love is a choice (this is my opinion, of course) - you either choose to try to make it work you or don't. Being IN love with someone is a feeling, which I feel sometimes can eventually fade. I honestly do not believe that the "spark" would last forever with someone...I think being in a relationship / marriage is more hard work then anything and I'm willing to do that for the right person.

 

It is true, this guy may be everything you want on "paper", but you're no longer interested in him because he probably doesn't do the right things to keep you interested. I can tell already from your posts that he is too reliant on you (puts a lot of pressure on you). Breaking up with him may be one of the best things you could do for him because it'll force him to wake up and start to better himself and perhaps not be as reliant on others for happiness.

 

You should end it with him because it'll help him more then it will hurt him. You cannot live with someone who traps you into a relationship - a relationship is meant to enhance your life not make it. This clearly does not seem to be enhancing your life. He seems like he will blame you for all of his problems, him being lonely, etc after this ends too. Do not let it change your decision - this guy is so far out the door... you are in the stage now where you realize you are done just trying to figure out how to break it to him. A lot of dumpers (unfairly) will keep stringing you along until they 1) find someone new or 2) find an excuse to turn it on the dumpee so they don't look like the bad guy.

 

After you end it with him, this guy will probably push you so far away by begging and crying. So you need to realize that as soon as you end this it'll be over forever too... he will need to be gone from your life and you cannot have any selfish motives to keep him around (a lot of dumpers ask dumpees to stick around as a "friend", which is completely unfair).

Edited August 22, 2014 by lauri

[Lost_Soul_86]

Thanks so much Lauri that makes a lot of sense and actually makes me feel better about the situation, everything you said is spot on!

 

I am so far out of the door its not even funny, i asked for space and he definitely hasn't given me that whatsoever so far its only pushed me further away, i'm at the point now where i just want to get it over and done with and be done with it all, yes i will feel terrible for breaking his heart but i've come to realise i cant live my life feeling unhappy just to make his happy it's not fair on the both of us.

 

Thanks again for your input

x