I guess I need more therapy

[Kid_Charlemange]

Which is a drag.

 

There's something wrong with me. I figured this out a while ago. For whatever reason, I bring out the worst in people. Not immediately. At first, they seem to think I'm funny, charming, clever, etc. But after a while... I drive people away. Not just relationships, but friends, co-workers, etc.

 

But this is a relationship site, so I'll leave those other issues alone for now.

 

I met this very nice woman online. She lives about 2.5 hrs away, which seemed like an issue at first blush. She "liked" me profile on OKC. I wrote her a funny email, she responded, and we went back and forth for a while This was a couple months ago.

 

Met up at a winery roughly halfway between our towns for the first date. Went very well. She's funny, charming, pretty, and has very nice figure (we're both over 45).

 

Second and third dates were similar. I'd mentioned that a friend of mine was having a party the following weekend, not quite in between our places, but close enough. She suggested we go -- and get a room in the little town.

 

We did. It went great. Got along with my friends, and the sex was pretty fantastic.

 

The following weekend I had to work. But we were in constant contact. I was to come down to her house for the weekend. I left this morning. I thought the weekend was damn near perfect. She introduced me to some of her friends on Saturday, we went out for dinner and had a blast. She was very affectionate. More great sex at her house. Morning sex on Sunday. A hike, then lunch, then a winery, then TV shows on the couch followed by more sex -- that she initiated. I left this morning feeling like this could really go somewhere.

 

This evening, she broke up with me via email. Said she had a "gnawing feeling in her gut," that she had to acknowledge, and "All the boxes are checked--we're incredibly compatible, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually--but there's something intangible that should be there which isn't."

 

OK. So it's five dates, I'll get over it. I guess I'll never know what the "intangible" is, but who cares.

 

Well... I do.

 

You see, this is the fifth time in a year this has happened to me. Almost exactly the same way, each time. Well, the first one was an LTR that went very sour, but not before she tried to friendzone me. After that, I dated a woman I met online. Not really my "type," but fun and friendly and some decent sex. Friendzoned me after five dates.

 

Met another one. A bit younger (11 years). She waited until the 8th date, while she was driving me to the airport, to tell me "something just isn't right." Met another one. Very cute, very fun. Five dates, all go great. She's clearly having a blast each time, but when, after date four, we wind up back at her house, she's clearly uncomfortable. Same thing with date five. I realize the spark just isn't there, so I friendzone myself.

 

Hmm. Five dates. That seems to be how long it takes to convince a woman that there's something not quite right about me... but that they can't seem to vocalize.

 

Now, I've been in therapy all year, mostly to figure out why I **** people off. Because I do. It's documented -- things that others get away with and earn a smile earn the Nuclear Option with me. One therapist says it's because I'm too negative, too self-deprecating. That it's hard to respect someone who doesn't respect himself. Fair enough. Been working on that. Really felt I was nailing that with this last one. And yet... same result.

 

I've read "No More Mister Nice Guy" three times, and recognize so many of those flaws in myself. Been working on them. Really thought I had all that worked out with this last one.

 

Now, I haven't gotten a debrief from her yet. I tried to call her tonight, but she wouldn't pick up. I haven't emailed her yet. She closed with "I'd love to keep in touch but understand if you don't" so there is an implied invitation for conversation.

 

Yeah, I know the answers I'll get: Move on, forget about her. All fine and good. But when basically every single woman I date follows the same pattern, then there is only one common denominator: Me. And some shift in behavior that occurs after I transition from the initial "impress" mode and get more into being, well, myself.

 

I could have fallen for this one. This hurts. About a year ago, my ex really broke my heart. Cheated on me, refused to take any ownership of her actions, and attacked me, mocking my looks and such, ("Why would any woman settle for you -- let alone me?" Ouch). Been working on getting my confidence back. Dated a lot of women this year. This one was the first one I could really envision a future with. But I gotta say... I think I'm done with this until I can figure out what the issue is.

[Snakechammah]

I am really sorry to hear that. Please don't beat yourself down. Chances are, it may not be you.. but all those girls!! You'd never know!

 

You seem to be a level-headed person in this forum. I don't detect those negativity as you said, and trust me, in a site like this, the real negative ones are easy to spot.

 

Since you like reading, let me suggest a book. This one book is enough. If you believe in it, it can help. "The power of your subconcious mind". Google it. Buy it. Read it.

 

And then prepare for happiness!

 

All the best and take care. Everything shall pass.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Thanks. I'll check out the book.

 

I'd like to thing it's not me, but it is... like I said in the OP, this happens to me in all situations: Friends turn on me after a while, bosses and co-workers lose respect for me. It's been happening for at least ten years. The pattern with these women is very consistent. Didn't bother me that much with the first few, as I wasn't 100% into them either (and maybe they sensed that). This last one I was very much in like with, and I've never felt as strongly that someone was into me completely. And I was 100% wrong.

 

It's me. The question is, how to fix it, and should I even bother trying? At my age, it's going to be very, very difficult to change my behaviors, even if I can figure out what it is that I do wrong.

 

I know part of it is my looks, but these women are getting past that enough to go out with me and even sleep with me; this last one commented in her breakup email about the "incredible sex."

 

Weird.

[Kid_Charlemange]

A follow up -- and some good news. I had a lengthy discussion on FB chat with this woman last night. It turns out, it's not something about my personality that drove her away; quite the contrary. In fact, she found my personality so interesting, charming, funny, etc, that she put aside her normal standards just to date me. And when the dates went well, she tried even harder to get past my looks. When we finally became intimate, she really enjoyed that as well (although I now realize why she always insisted on it being completely dark) which made her really want to make this work.

 

I really thought her endless flirting, her PDAs, her groping me in a bar last Saturday night meant I had gotten past the attraction thing; I know I get turned down by initial dates by a lot of women because of my looks, but I generally figure if they go out with me 5+ times they're OK with it.

 

But after a weekend together, she realized she just couldn't do it any longer. As great I was in the other areas, it just wasn't enough to balance things out. So she did me a favor and ended it.

 

I feel really good. True "closure" is something you rarely get. And since there's nothing I can do about it, I'm not letting this bother me one bit.

[Snakechammah]

Wait... she really said that? It was your looks? How superficial!

 

If she had gone out with you for that long, one would think looks would have passed the test, no? Who would go out with someone that they can't stand to look at?

 

OP, I don't think you look thaaaat bad if you're scoring so many women. You should have a little more confidence in your own looks.

 

Sometimes the negativity in our minds becomes our reality. The point is to think positive thoughts and believe that good things will happen. Do get that book and stop beating yourself regarding looks.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Wait... she really said that? It was your looks? How superficial!

 

 

I had to kind of drag it out of her. But I disagree entirely about it being superficial. In fact, I think she handled this in a truly awesome manner: Ugly guys are all over this site and others whining about how attractive (or even average) women won't even "give them a chance."

 

This one did, based on the non-looks part of my persona. She's very smart, clever, funny, and really appreciates others who are. She even told me that it's "rare" for her to find someone who can be funnier than her, and that she was impressed that I was.

 

She tried to get past the looks, which is really all anyone can ask. We dated for a couple of months, had some great times and some excellent sex. I have zero complaints. We might wind up staying as a friends, I haven't decided on that yet. There were feelings there on my part, and it's going to take some time, not much, but some, for me to get past that.

 

And, she was completely honest with me, which I appreciated. And, she says she's really hurting right now. Very sad that this great guy is not going to be in her life anymore. In fact, I told her to stop beating herself up -- it's better to know now that we had no future than 5 weeks/months/years down the road.

 

There is no negativity in my mind. Zero. I know what I am, and it's documented -- I made a post a while ago about how one can see their "attractiveness" rating on OKCupid, if you know how to tweak the API. Of the 650 or so women who rated me, more than 600 gave me one star on a scale of five. It's an objecting measurement. I'm ugly, but I'm cool with it, because I have lots and lots of other charms.

 

Yeah, I'll admit, this is a first. That a woman who was initially turned off would spend this much time and effort trying to get past that rather than just say "no thanks" at the outset. In fact, she contacted me on OKC. I would not have approached her.

 

I think what she did was admirable.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Since you like reading, let me suggest a book. This one book is enough. If you believe in it, it can help. "The power of your subconcious mind". Google it. Buy it. Read it.

 

I downloaded it from Audible.com. Sounded great. Got all excited.

 

Then... "this will help you figure out how to pray better, and allow God to become a bigger part of your life." Or words to that effect.

 

Not a great choice for an atheist. Fortunately, Audible is pretty good about letting people return books. My fault for not reading the description before ordering it.

 

But I do appreciate the thought.

[mightycpa]

5 dates to get to "this isn't for me" is about right... shouldn't take more than 10. And dating 5 people in one year, and getting 5 rejections really isn't a track record of failure. I'm sure it feels like it, but if you were 25 instead of 45, you might have seen 5 girls in the space of two months, rather than 12. There's no doubt you're working with a smaller pool of candidates, and relationships are more complicated at your age, in a way, but also simpler. I would think women are much less likely to string you along.

 

You just need to date more than one woman at a time. Think parallel rather than serial.