dating a laid back seperated man

[nancysarah88]

Yes. I'm dating a separated man. His divorce is taking a bit longer than it should due to certain issues and custody proceedings.

 

Back story, I'm 25, nursing student. He's 30, has an 8 month old baby, and an ex wife. We have been friends for almost a decade.

 

Fast forward to now, I never intended on dating him due to his situation. Especially since he told me his ex wife went crazy out of no where ( I don't really believe people go 'crazy' for no reason). His wife made up some horrible accusations about him in court, therefore things are taking longer than they should.

 

When I am with him I am quite happy and we really do enjoy our time together.

 

Also, I should note that he has not told his ex about me nor made this public. He has told some close friends and his parents, but that's it. We don't go out because he is worried someone may see us and he wants to wait until everything regarding the divorce and what not is finalized (which I understand AND I agreed to).

 

But the problem is he flirted with me when he was married and I was newly single. At first, it was simply friendly banter which I did not feed into. I backed off. But then, months before his divorce, he went over board. Texting me half naked photos,flirting sexually, asking me to come over. It go so bad that I really lost it with him and told him to cut it out (I never fed into it). Now, I feel as if I can't trust him. I did at first, but now I wonder.

 

 

He's been flaking on me quite often. He is no longer taking intiative to see me. Example, we plan a time to hangout, hours before I don't hear from him. He goes MIA until the next day. Says he was asleep (yet he's on facebook) and this has happened three times. When plans were set in stone. Another three times he simply cancelled an hour if not less before. Or when I do come over, sometimes he'd say "give me another hour" after I've already left etc. Recently, he did this two more times but didn't bother to tell me at all that he had other plans. I just sat at home like a complete moron waiting around for him.

 

I'm not asking for much of his time, we only see each other on weekends now but at first it would be once or twice during the week. Now, he doesn't plan anything. It's always me asking when I'll see him. Not to mention as I stated earlier we do not go out. We just sit at home and watch movies.

 

Ive discussed this with him and his excuse is that he is really laid back. Which is true but it's on the brink of being lazy. I've noticed his parents are always reminding him to fill out papers for court and actually have him come over to finish them. He had an interview for a big job as well, he put off the paper work, and essentially didn't do as he was supposed to and just never even showed up. (and it's the sort of program/training you can only apply to once every six months).

 

He also says I'm his girlfriend yet he never really asked me (after three months of dating) and when I asked him in person if we were actually a couple he said "sure, I guess why would i call you my girlfriend if you are not" then he got mad.

 

 

I cannot have a serious conversation with this man without him acting like a child. He will always just shut down, or mess with me and tease me, like a child would. And it frustrates me.

 

I was upset last night, after he flaked on me again without telling me and said I have had it. He told me he's laid back (again,laid back card) and that I need to relax. I told him today I'd like to chat on person as opposed to text and he keeps saying he's busy.

 

I really don't know what to do? I need to have a serious conversation with him about things. I told him today I want to speak in person, he freaked out, asking why. I said look we just need to discuss what's been going on in person, not text. Things get misconstrued. His response. He's busy . He has to go to the gym tonight. I told him if he cares, he'll make the time.

 

 

How do I go about this? I do not want to end things over text but I have a feeling I may have to if he doesn't step up. Logically, I can look at this situation and know I should leave. Especially if he cannot have a conversation with me or take me seriously. I feel like he just is used to getting his way. He's always had "crazy exs" , even several of them involving the courts and now I'm wondering if there is a reason for it all.

 

I do not want to end things, I think it's fixable but he has to be willing to fix things. What do I do?

[ThorntonMelon]

You know the answer to this one.

 

I am sorry this man isn't what you want him to be.

 

Hopefully you will choose you.

[mightycpa]

You know the answer to this one.

 

I am sorry this man isn't what you want him to be.

 

Hopefully you will choose you.

 

Exactly. You know the answer already. Go ahead and pull the trigger.

[Zahara]

So many things wrong here.

 

1) You know he has no capacity to be trustworthy. If he couldn't be that for his wife, he most certainly won't be that for you.

 

2) There are three sides to every story. When he said his wife is crazy, most likely it's because there are reasons for her feeling that way. He had no boundaries with you or his wife. There's more to this man than you know.

 

3) Never date a separated man. Most times they're emotionally unavailable and unhealthy.

 

4) I have to think that he just keeps you around while he transitions through his separation. Busy means he has no time for you nor does he have space for you in his head or heart.

 

Yes, he has to be willing to fix your relationship. The thing is, he hasn't even finished his issues with his marriage, but now he has to fix a relationship? Make sense to you? I don't think he has the emotional or mental capacity for it.

[travelbug1996]

Laid back means passive and lazy. You will be rowing the boat in this situation.

 

Why are you settling for a married/separated man with issues when there are soooo many single men in the world.

 

You really deserve better but the thing about that is you have to believe it yourself.

[nancysarah88]

Thank you for the advice everyone.

 

 

I told him my concerns, in person and text and he was actually quite angry. He just told me that he wanted to see me that night, planned on seeing me but if I'm so bothered, to make plans with other people. A few hours later, he acted completely normal. I told him he needs to make more time again, or I am gone. He then promised he would make time for me. He did, for that night. And he couldn't see me until 11 pm because he had to go to the gym. We went to the movies and all seemed fine.

 

Then he went out of town on a camping trip the next day (which is fine!) but didn't tell me until the day before. He said he would have no reception (yet he was on Facebook all night) didn't tell me who was going or anything.Fine. He ignored me the entire next day when he got back. He then text me, canceling on seeing me (again) because he was too hungover and throwing up. Which really baffled me, because that was the day he had his baby for four hours. Why on earth, would you get so drunk that you are throwing up all day, the night before you will have your baby girl? Especially during a horrible custody battle? It just seemed very irresponsible on his end. I know for a fact his ex wife would have lost it with him had she known. He was very drunk, I question whether or not he was sober while caring for his daughter. (Don't get me wrong, drinking is fine once in a while. But it's probably not a good idea when you are going to be caring for your baby the next day).

 

I told him this. He was infuriated. Now he's back to ignoring me.

 

It's just very clear this man has no time for me and he's playing games. I'm positive he talks to other females (as he did with me while he was married). He has no problem hanging out with his guy friends all week or making plans with them, yet when it comes to me, nothing. He never tells me what he does through out the week, he just expects me to see him whenever HE wants.

 

 

 

Honestly, it's my fault. I should have known better. I did, frankly. I just like to see the good in people and give them a chance. But from now on, I should use common sense and logic.

 

Thanks again.

[Zahara]

Sounds like he wants you on his terms -- the moment you express your needs and wants, he shuts you out. He does that to teach you that if you express, you will be punished. He does that because he doesn't want to deal with your needs and wants.

 

It would be best for you to stay away and move on with your life because he will be back.