So heartbroken, can't function...

[ddlovexx]

Hi,

 

I'm gonna try to keep this short but it'll be tough.

 

Basically I've been seeing a guy for 5 months. I'm moving to Nashville in a week I'm a musician), he knew I was leaving and we always agreed to just enjoy things for what they are. He's 40, I'm 24. (Push the age aside... we've always gotten along super well. And I knew him a year before we got involved.) Initially he was always the pursuer. I eventually fell in love with him... he always said and acted as though he cared a lot about me.

 

We've had our ups and downs as does any relationship (we were never official though, we both agreed not to be bc of the eventual end).

 

The other day he told me he was working until 7. I wound up hitting the bar at 530 and he was there. I've had bad experiences with ex's lying/hiding things in this way so immediately my stomach dropped. I looked at him, he said hi, and I (basically choked) and walked outside. He followed me and said "What the hell's ur problem?" and I said 'I thought you were working til 7?" (let me add, I texted him at 1 pm asking how work was and he never answered me... and we text often). He said he got off work early, stopped at the bar. I told him he was f'd up and went to sit in my car to cool off. He never came to car.

 

After about 20 min I went back inside. Took a deep breath, and walked over to him. Tried to just be casual. I'm leaving in a week, I love this man very much and I don't want to argue, I just wanted to enjoy the next week with him. He started arguing with me... saying he's not my bf and doesn't have to tell me everything he's doing. (We've been close for 5 months and i Have a week left, so that's a BS excuse in my book. )I just said that I thought since I hadn't seen him in a day and I"m leaving in a week, why wouldn't he want to spend time with me? We kept arguing over this crap... which is crap.

 

I turned around and looked at him and said "Okay, I reacted the way I did because I'm hurt. I had a bad experience with this. Can we just let it go now, I just want to enjoy my time with him." He said no. Kept arguing. Keep in mind we're at a bar surrounded by friends. There was literally a point I looked at him with tears in my eyes and begged him to just stop, kiss me, touch me... something. He looked at me and said no. I said 'I'm sorry you feel that way" and I walked out of the bar crying. He didn't come after me and I haven't heard from him since.

 

How can someone that cares about me, after we spent 5 months together, be so cold and mean and hurtful??? I can't comprehend. Some friends say that it's his way of dealing (incorrectly) with me leaving. That he couldn't handle it. But he's 40 years old for god's sake... Can he possibly be that much of a coward?

 

I'm hurting so bad. Can't eat or sleep... he even declined the invite to my going away party since this happened. We're no longer facebook friends either bc I couldn't bear seeing him. I don't know how to make the hurt stop. I just want to talk to him and see him SO bad... but at the same time if he wanted to talk to me, he would. I know soon I'll be in N-ville and busy and I'll move on. BUt we always agreed to be in each other's lives in one way or another.

 

I can deal with leaving this on a good note, driving away saying "god that was great"... what I can't deal with is the way he was just so hurtful to me. It makes it way tougher. I just want the pain to stop. I'm not perfect but I've always given him his space and been nothing but loving to him. He's been hot and cold towards the end and now just plain cruel. Any input... please... I haven't been this heartbroken in years.

Edited August 4, 2014 by ddlovexx

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. He sounds like he wasn't as invested as you and saw that this was coming to an end as you're leaving. He was clearly not as honest as he made himself out to be, and he sounds cold as hell.

 

Let yourself be angry and sad. The way he handled it was crap-tastic. He's essentially making you look like the over-emotional one and he responds by being frigid and defensive. Not cool. He knows he lied to you and dodged your questions by asseting he doesn't need to tell you anything as he's not your official boyfriend. Who was he there with? What was he doing when you saw him? I hate to say it, but it sounds he may have been keeping his doors open - do you know if he was seeing anyone else during the last few months?

[Eau Claire]

You have some immaturity issues for a 24 year old.

 

So, are you going to be hitting bars, telling a boyfriend to F off at your next location in life?

 

Past boyfriends lying, hiding things. Insecurity issues.

 

Meh...'He's 40 'but he loves me'. Hint. No he didn't. A 24 year old should have sufficient social skills not to get involved with a 40 year old. He is not the issue...your immaturity is.

 

Get some help or just keep repeating the pattern.

[ddlovexx]

Not for nothing... But I never said he loved me nor did I ever tell him to **** off. And I obviously wrote that I kept asking him to stop fighting... I don't even really know how to respond. It's not immature to be mad that he was hiding something. I came on here for help, not harsh comments. If you can't tell by what I wrote, I've already had enough harshness.

 

Expat, we've spent so much time together over the last 5 months, I know his work schedule and all of his friends know me... It would be very hard for him to find time for someone else. I've also always given him the option to walk previously but he's always said he has feelings for me and doesn't want that.

 

It's just so hard, I wanna talk to him. I know I shouldn't.

[stillafool]

It sounds like this guy was just waiting for any excuse to break up with you. I can't see where you did anything so bad that he wouldn't want to just let it go (the argument) and enjoy what time you have left together. The fact that he didn't follow you out or hasn't called you is telling me that he's glad it's over. Have you pressured him on other things? I'm asking because his actions ring of someone who is fed up.

[RonaldS]

Short answer:

 

You'll get over it.

[ExpatInItaly]

What types of issues have you had with him previously?

[ddlovexx]

Very minimal issues in the past. We both kinda do (did) our own thing, respectfully. Like neither us would care if one wanted to go out with friends for the night, stay home alone one night, etc. Like it never bothered me to give him his space and I tend to like my space too. We would see each other 3-4 times a week on average, but were very close when we were together. Like I said prior, he had introduced me to his friends back 5 months ago and they all know we're seeing each other. He never tried to hide me or anything, but we both didn't want a title.

 

Once though, he got mad at me for going to a bbq that some of his friends happened to be at. He thought I was being shady, but I didn't know 2-3 of his friends (and my acquaintances) would have been there nor did I do anything wrong or want any of those people. Other times we fought were usually over dumb things, someone saying something and it being misconstrued. AKA no major fights... mostly because I was leaving so I don't need drama or BS... just wanted to have a good time with him.

 

A few of my friends are saying that there's no way he doesn't care about me... he's just not going about this the right way.

 

Ronald, I know I will get over it. I'm trying to deal with the suffering that I feel NOW. Make some sense of the situation and why it happened that way.

 

(I also just want to say, to the person who keeps feeling the need to put my age into place... I have no father, an alcoholic mother, raised my autistic younger sister, have now lived on my own for 5 years, held a full-time job for 2 years, and graduated college. I've had 2 relationships- one with an older man- prior. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm immature, that's not what I've come on here for. Thanks.)

Edited August 4, 2014 by ddlovexx

[ExpatInItaly]

Very minimal issues in the past. We both kinda do (did) our own thing, respectfully. Like neither us would care if one wanted to go out with friends for the night, stay home alone one night, etc. Like it never bothered me to give him his space and I tend to like my space too. We would see each other 3-4 times a week on average, but were very close when we were together. Like I said prior, he had introduced me to his friends back 5 months ago and they all know we're seeing each other. He never tried to hide me or anything, but we both didn't want a title.

Once though, he got mad at me for going to a bbq that some of his friends happened to be at. He thought I was being shady, but I didn't know 2-3 of his friends (and my acquaintances) would have been there nor did I do anything wrong or want any of those people. Other times we fought were usually over dumb things, someone saying something and it being misconstrued. AKA no major fights... mostly because I was leaving so I don't need drama or BS... just wanted to have a good time with him.

 

A few of my friends are saying that there's no way he doesn't care about me... he's just not going about this the right way.

 

Ronald, I know I will get over it. I'm trying to deal with the suffering that I feel NOW. Make some sense of the situation and why it happened that way.

 

(I also just want to say, to the person who keeps feeling the need to put my age into place... I have no father, an alcoholic mother, raised my autistic younger sister, have now lived on my own for 5 years, held a full-time job for 2 years, and graduated college. I've had 2 relationships- one with an older man- prior. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm immature, that's not what I've come on here for. Thanks.)

 

I don't understand that at all - why on earth does he consider that "shady"? His reaction to you going to the BBQ is what's shady. That alone would have raised a red flag for me. Something seems..off. I would have guessed that he didn't want his friends to know about you, but since you'd met them it doesn't make sense. Methinks there's more going on behind the scenes that you didn't know about.

[Ronni_W]

A few of my friends are saying that there's no way he doesn't care about me... he's just not going about this the right way.

Who, exactly, is deciding for him what is HIS "right way" or "wrong way" to deal, cope with your leaving in a week?

 

Have you asked him how he feels about all of it...NOW? Not 5 months ago but NOW that your departure is right here in front of him.

 

Your post, your perspective is all about what you thought about, wanted, expected for this last week...but what about him? Have you given thought to what, if any, he is suffering NOW because he will soon be losing you?

 

Maybe at very least he thought, wanted, expected you to invite him along with you? ...EVEN IF that would be a totally ridiculous, impossible, insane thing for either of you to even contemplate.

Maybe he thought, wanted, expected you to at least start a conversation about "should we try to make a long-distance thing work?" ...EVEN IF that would be a totally ridiculous, impossible, insane thing for either of you to even contemplate.

 

Your suffering NOW might be coming from not having been sensitive enough (or at all) to his feelings, thoughts, expectations, desires. You won't know until you ask him...directly, honestly, with compassion and humility.

[ddlovexx]

We have talked about it, besides the fact that he couldn't come with me because of obligations, he wouldn't want to.

 

Of course we've talked about it... throughout the course of our "relationship". He didn't want a relationship. It was always casual but still close (you don't have to understand, I'm not sure I do either). I always said we could stop and it might be easier for both of us, even if we don't want to... and he was always the one to say no.

 

And when I said he is dealing with it in the "wrong" way... I mean humiliating me to tears in a bar and arguing over petty things. Arguing with me, being mean, placing blame on me bc I was sensitive at that moment about him hiding something from me. Not that I am perfect, even if I had overreacted, I apologized as soon as I walked back in. And when I kept asking him to stop, when I kept asking him why fight over things like this instead of just spending time? To let it go. By letting me walk away hurt and crying and never speaking to me again.

 

I just think that regardless of the "status" of a relationship, nobody should be so cold to someone as he was to me that night. Especially if he cares. Wouldn't he have wanted to enjoy our time?

 

And as I said, neither one of us is perfect. I understand we are both dealing in our own way. But yes we talked about it, yes we agreed to continue, (he even said he was going to visit me). He's always been very nonchalant about it (it is what it is) and I've usually had a tougher time.

Edited August 5, 2014 by ddlovexx

[anna121]

 

Your post, your perspective is all about what you thought about, wanted, expected for this last week...but what about him? Have you given thought to what, if any, he is suffering NOW because he will soon be losing you?

 

Maybe at very least he thought, wanted, expected you to invite him along with you? ...EVEN IF that would be a totally ridiculous, impossible, insane thing for either of you to even contemplate.

Maybe he thought, wanted, expected you to at least start a conversation about "should we try to make a long-distance thing work?" ...EVEN IF that would be a totally ridiculous, impossible, insane thing for either of you to even contemplate.

 

Your suffering NOW might be coming from not having been sensitive enough (or at all) to his feelings, thoughts, expectations, desires. You won't know until you ask him...directly, honestly, with compassion and humility.

 

1. Yep her post is all about her perspective. She's hurt and feeling crappy. I mean, duh.

 

2. IF he wanted her to pursue some "ridiculous, impossible insane thing" that would just be tough luck. He should have brought it up himself. He wouldn't get to (legitimately) be an a-hole to her now, even if he is going to miss her.

 

3. "Humility"? Srsly? What is this - a priest-penitent rel-ship? I don't really detect any arrogance in her post. "Humility" just reeks of self-effacing BS.

 

OP, I know it hurts. You didn't handle the initial sight of him at the bar particularly well. He didn't handle the rest of it well. Having fights about stupid crap (the BBQ) is a bad sign.

 

Maybe you should move to Nashville early.

 

Oh. And stop listening to your friends who are trying to fill your head with "he's hurting so bad because he loves you so much". That's just a dumb thing for you to be thinking right now

[ddlovexx]

He didn't love me. I know he cared though. I'd really like to talk to him. Just to say like hey, it's okay. I wish it didn't end this way but it did. I'm thankful for the past 5 months with you kinda thing...

 

But I'm not sure.

 

I'm feeling an awful lot more at ease today than yesterday. I even saw IG posts of him and his fam (and ex gf) and it didn't really sting the way I thought it would. I just miss him a lot. Maybe talking would do something for us both... not sure.

Edited August 5, 2014 by ddlovexx

[ddlovexx]

Just found out he was making out with another girl before I walked in saturday... Guess that explains a lot.

 

Ouch my ****in heart...

[Ronni_W]

I'm sorry to hear that, ddlove

 

It does explain a lot...because, after your subsequent posts...I also could not figure out exactly what he was trying to accomplish by acting like such a douche.

 

Big hugs. I'm guessing it makes it easier...and also so much more difficult.

[shoegal4]

Dated someone twelve years. We ended it officially over two months ago with LC and slowly turned to NC. However, it's been at least seven years of highly dysfunctional turmoil (ridiculous to think about now, ugh).

 

Thought I would never get over it. I was going to die alone. I would never love again. I would never move on. Everyone would have someone but me. No one else will ever come along. Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

I swear to you...in the most general terms ever...you will get over it. I promise!! I didn't believe it when I first came to LS but I sure as hell believe it now. I couldn't get out of bed in the beginning most days. I would cry into my pillows, my couch, my hands (I would cry into anything really) and my body would physically ache. My family didn't know what to do with me, my friends couldn't listen to me anymore. No appetite, no desire to do anything. No motivation. No hope for the future. NO anything.

 

Fast forward two months. Enrolled in grad school, dropped tons of weight, quit the job that made me unhappy and just enjoyed a week in the Dominican Republic and developed a crush (I FELT something for someone again. That's HUGE!). The heart is resilient regardless of what it's been through. I was walking on the freakin' clouds (as if being in the DR wasn't wonderful enough). You will FEEL something again and it will be amazing!! I promise you.

 

Getting over a broken heart isn't easy but you learn tons about who you are and what you want in a life partner and even though it SUCKS it's a life experience you will be grateful for. Weird to think about. Getting your heartbroken at some point is as certain as taxes and death. We all gotta get through it.

 

You will get over the hurdle but you have to WANT it and you have to stay NC. NC is CRUCIAL!! I did NOT stay NC even though I thought I was. (Note to self: checking Facebook and Instagram is NOT NC and you WILL eventually find things that make you sad and set you back.) I deactivated everything for a while. (Another note to self: GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA). Going NC enabled me to get over the hurt and the sick to my stomach feeling anytime I saw or heard his name. When people tell you NC is crucial (like we do millions of times a day on here) it's for a reason.

 

I just wanted to rant and express my experience for people coming on here feeling sad. You will feel better. You will move on. You will find someone who gives you that high feeling again. It will be when you least expect it and you WON'T see it coming. Get better not bitter!! And please...stay NC. It's the best thing you could ever do for yourself.