SMF Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Why Do they Want to hurt you more? My ex broke up with me via phone about 2 1/2 months ago. He is 29 and I am 26. He threw our perfectly good relationship into the trash and pretty much didn't look back. We were on the healthy path towards a healthy future and he really just tossed it. Hurt me very badly and devastated me. Several days after the relationship ended, he ignorned my desire to speak. He asked me to not contact him and for me to respect his wishes. I poured my heart out in an email- NO response. We didn't speak for a while thereafter. About 3 weeks ago- we did speak... and he said he would still like to talk and I said that I don't think I coudl do the friend thing.. we caught up spoke for about 30 minutes and then "he had to take another call". Where he ended it with "nice catching up with you". I wrote him an email thereafter saying it was too hard for me to talk to him and I hope eventually we can speak. No response. I called him yesterday. He said he would call me back and never did. This may sound like a lot of contact but in the grand scheme it has been minimal. The break up was a shock to me so I have been trying to make sense of it in my mind and heart for a while now. What I don't understand is- my ex hurt me so badly- why is it that he is still hurting me with his lack of response to my actions. No calls back, no emails... nothing. He is acting like I never existed. If he had respect for me and or what we had- I would think he would be a bit more classy with the situation. Does anyone agree? Link to post Share on other sites
Think too much Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I know how you feel. My ex ended us by phone and ignored me too. My break up was the middle of July and I still wonder what went wrong. I sent emails and left voicemails. He did leave a voicemail once and said he wanted to talk to me about this and he would meet me for a goodbye hug but after he said that he ignored me again. I soon found out that he was seeing someone else. That hurt even more. It's hard to move on with your life when someone that you loved treated you so terrible. It makes you feel like you never meant anything to him and you begin to question the whole relationship. I will never understand how someone could love you one day and then forget you exist the next. I would never have wanted my ex to stay with me if he was no longer interested or loved me but I do deserve the respect of him acknowleding I exist and at least talking to me about the relationship ending. Yes if he has respect he would have been a lot more classy. Some men just seem so heartless. I know it's hard but you don't want to be with someone that treats you like that anyway. You are better than that and you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SMF Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 I appreciate your post and comments--- feel like we are in the same boat... Its true- the classless act that my ex is doing is just low. Its lousy and low to make another human being feel like they are irrelevant. OK I can understand he doesn't want to shoot the small talk,(Although he said it was fine), but to just blatently ignore someone is just very low. He could acknowledge my actions via an email- if he didn't want to talk. My thoughts are... if THEY are over it- then they would have no problem conversing or returning a call. I mean he had no idea why I was even calling. Its not like we speak frequently. If they aren't over it, then guess what- we are painful reminders of all that they failed at. And maybe they are trying to block us out... but guess what- its damn tough to block out someone that you broke up with and hurt. Especially when the person u broke up with- was very special. Link to post Share on other sites
WantanS4 Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 hhaha.... listen to this..... i called her once...and I said.. "hi... how are you doing?".... and she instantly said "Who is this?" Do you know what it feels like when the person you've been calling for the last 6 years apprently has forgotten your voice? Yeah..... now there's a heartache! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SMF Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 He did that to me as well.... and I replied with "You have got to be kidding me" and he said yes I am kidding.. But unless he is trying to "play it cool" - its classless. Link to post Share on other sites
Think too much Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 It does sound like we are in the same boat. I can feel your pain. I think they are just blocking us out and running from their feelings. It will eventually catch up to them and when it does we will be over them. (hopefully) I can't help but hope that some day he gets a taste of his own medicine. It is pretty messed up for someone to forget your voice or even to pretend to now know who you are. I guess I can be thankful my ex didn't do that to me. It took me a long time but I realized I can not even start the healing process until I stopped calling him and emailing him. Now I just wish that I did not have to see him. My ex lives very close and I can't help but notice his new gf car always over there. AAHHH men can't live with them and can't live without them.. or can we? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Maybe he doesn't want you to contact him because it's hard on him as well. Maybe there were problems there that he could see and you couldn't. (since i don't know either of you I can't say) But in my case I just ended a 2 year relationship with my ex and I asked him not to contact me by phone, coming by, or anything. I only did this because if he contacted me I would be afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to avoid him and may end up back in that vicious cycle again. It's too hard when you love someone to see them and not want to run back with open arms even when you know the break-up was something you had to do for your own good. (at least in my case) None of us can tell you for sure but this is just one possibility! I'm sorry for your pain! Link to post Share on other sites
Think too much Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I can see your point Baby but don't you think it's pretty cowardly to end a relationship by the phone? I can understand the NC. I think it should be done but some people need closure and I don't think it would hurt if the ex would give you enough respect to tell you what went wrong and answer any questions instead of ignoring them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SMF Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 good point.. he claims he feels it is not "healthy" for me to talk to him bc I am not reacting well.. Well what did he expect - that it was going to be easy? He thinks I am not dealing with things correctly? Well according to him maybe but I feel I have been trying my hardest. He said he would get in touch with me when he wanted to talk- that is just a blow off. He said it hasn't been easy on him..... my thoughts exactly.. i am a bad reminder when i call email, so to make him feel better he just saids---oh she is crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by Think too much I can see your point Baby but don't you think it's pretty cowardly to end a relationship by the phone? I can understand the NC. I think it should be done but some people need closure and I don't think it would hurt if the ex would give you enough respect to tell you what went wrong and answer any questions instead of ignoring them. Absolutely...in this case it sounds like he's only thinking that he doesn't want to be bothered, like he wants to move on without feeling guilty or something. My case I did it face to face and think if you're with someone you owe them and yourselves the chance to talk face to face so both of you can say what you need to say. I can't imagine someone being so insensitive and then not responding I guess he should have at least responded but that's what NC is all about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SMF Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 yep that is what no contact is about. I feel like i just screwed up.... bc i called him, he made me feel silly for calling... but it take 2 . his lack of response, causes me to spiral out.. i mean thats what happens.. like barby- if you ex came calling u and coming by- u would say "oh gosh he is nuts" bc for 1- he might be having a hard time dealing w/ it and u woudl want to take the guilt off yourself and push it onto him so you don't have to feel any pain... just a point not saying u would feel that way.. just an example. so i do feel dumb for calling... but i feel like the one good is that he admitted that it hasn't been easy for him- which is the answer to why he has been ignoring everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 If indeed my ex did start calling (it's going 36 hours NC) so if he did call or come around I know it would be hard on him and me. He is the one at fault for being jealous, emotionally abusive, mean, and out of control so I would have NO guilt. If he doesn't get it then he'll have to deal with the consequences but since your case is different then I can see where you're coming from. But I have a feeling no matter what you try and do and no matter how much you call him or email him it isn't going to change things. For your own piece of mind and to start the healing process you should just do your best to respect his NC request and move on. Even if it's the hardest thing you ever have to do at least you'll feel better knowing you've done what you can and the rest is up to him. I still wish you the best of luck and hope you begin to heal quickly! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SMF Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 I wish you the best of luck as well. I hope you find what brings you peace and it seems that if your partner possessed these traits it is better that you are out of the relationship... perhaps he will change... I do have to really just put it to rest. I have tried my hardest - he knows where I stand.. perhaps the only thing that will get his mind twirling is when I am totally gone. I haven't gone longer then 18 days w/out contact..ITs like a I break at that point.. But I am determined this time. I really hope I can do it... I mean he has treated me poorly when we have spoken so it is an incentive to move this along way quicker then I have been doing. Any pointers barby? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 As sad as this may sound...our longest going without talking was a few hours, be it arguing or just talking..so this is a first for me. What's getting me through (again this may seem pathetic but you gotta do what works) is posting about it online, spending my spare time reading through the posts on here, and talking to my family, doing whatever possible to keep me occupied so my hands are busy and I can't pick up the phone and call him. As I mentioned before it's easier since he isn't calling me. but in your case since you want to talk to him maybe you could hang out with friends, chat online (if you do this), do anything you enjoy doing to keep yourself from calling or emailing him. Though I totally know this is easier said than done!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hendrix Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 wow that sounds familer but after 2 months of pretty much the same thing we get back together... Only for a week then she breaks up again... ignores me and kisses a guy rite in front of me then a month later gets back with me...... then breaks up 5 months later! So yes i got ****ed over Big Time... but the last break was more mutual... i kinda accepted the **** and moving on... although i do genuinly miss her company to say the least.. IMO i see women doin this more... but im sure u could Q me on that...] its just a pain really u have to keep goin on.. there is Not Much YOU can do... if u leave them be sometimes they think about it and if its not workin the time will help u move on its hard in different situations but... that's all i can think of! Link to post Share on other sites
anneb Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 I have been reading your posts and feel your pain. No one deserves to be treated this way. This happened to me recently too. My boyfriend of 7 months worte me a classless blow off email at work basically saying he wanted to break up. I was shocked as he had called every day and we spent almost every weekend together. Plus we did a lot of family things together. He turned completly cold overnight and gave no real reason. The day after we broke up I see he posts on a dating web site with a picture I took of him. It hurts how they can just drop you and immediately move on when you thought things were going well. I agree with Think too much and hope anyone who treats someone this way gets a taste of their own medicine! Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 I experience the hot/cold guy this summer and I thought it was such an odd experience....Now I see that there are alot of us who have experienced this...It's odd and I won't pretend to begin to understand how or why they can flip a switch and not care..but I see that I am not alone....hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Some of you have read my story, I did the NC for 2 weeks, then I started to email her, telling her I loved her and I missed her maybe 6 emails, then I sent one asking why the no response, this was 6 weeks ago, the only reply I got was IT IS OVER! ok, I sent maybe three more emails of love, I recieved a letter from her friend for me, it siad we broke up on June 15th it is over and do not harrass me again???? this I read 2 weeks ago, I have not contacted her I erased all email add, telephone evrything with her name on it! Believe it or not I feel better today, I think of her every so often, but I came to the realization that this person is cold, and treated me very bad! Do I want her back NO!! I have moved on, people, let them be, they are living, dating etc...while we sit and hurt! I am now dating again and not talking about her to anyone, I am done thinking it thru, all the what ifs all the whys, they dont matter, the answer is it is over period, done, you need to move on. Maybe one day they will call or maybe never again, until then lose all hope, do not contact them, it only sets you back, they know where you are and they know they can call, do not satisfy thier mean egos by begging, it helps them move on faster than you trust me, contact and loving them just feeds thier egos. I hope she never contacts me again! she lives 5 mins away and its hard, I see her somtimes on my way to work, now I look the other way, I dont feel sick I just know she lost a man who did all for her and treated her the best I could, and if it is not enough, what else can we do? cry to them?? NO! Link to post Share on other sites
werty Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 im on the same boat, but in an opposite situation. my x-gf is the one who broke up and never wana talk to me and keeps ignoring me and everytime i try to talk to her, she tells them to her bestfriend... i just dont know why they dont wana respect that we exisit, but im making the same thing now. im not gona call or txt her anymore. il just find my own happiness somewhere else.... we all deserve to be happy... Link to post Share on other sites
Think too much Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I know that being treated like sh*t in the end hurts. I finally wrote my ex a goodbye email. I explained to him that I needed to do it for closure. I thanked him for loving me and told him that I would not be who I am today if I had not known him. I wished him good luck in life. Told him I will never regret being with him and I will always keep the memories because they are worth remembering. It all really was the truth but I also hold a lot of anger for the way he treated me. I didn't tell him I had any anger. I wanted to sound happy and content. It felt good to say goodbye and feel like I was the adult. I can treat him with respect even if he doesn't do the same to me. Needless to say I didn't get a reply back but it just confirmed that I am the bigger person. I know everyone is different but it sure did help me to get closure. I highly suggest trying it. Maybe the ex that left us and treated us so terrible doesn't deserve for us to say goodbye in a nice manner but we really don't want to stoop to their level do we? Link to post Share on other sites
werty Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 hmm... nice suggestion... but its gona need a lot of courage to make one... and a whole lot to send it personally.... Link to post Share on other sites
tiger_nip Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Originally posted by Think too much I know that being treated like sh*t in the end hurts. I finally wrote my ex a goodbye email. I explained to him that I needed to do it for closure. I thanked him for loving me and told him that I would not be who I am today if I had not known him. I wished him good luck in life. Told him I will never regret being with him and I will always keep the memories because they are worth remembering. It all really was the truth but I also hold a lot of anger for the way he treated me. I didn't tell him I had any anger. I wanted to sound happy and content. It felt good to say goodbye and feel like I was the adult. I can treat him with respect even if he doesn't do the same to me. Needless to say I didn't get a reply back but it just confirmed that I am the bigger person. I know everyone is different but it sure did help me to get closure. I highly suggest trying it. Maybe the ex that left us and treated us so terrible doesn't deserve for us to say goodbye in a nice manner but we really don't want to stoop to their level do we? watch and see....now that you sent the "i'm done with you" mail he'll be all over you again. It's sick how retarded guys are. Link to post Share on other sites
heebiejeebies Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I recently dumped my girlfriend because of her insanely jealous behavior. I had to do it over the phone, at a pay phone actually, so that she wouldn't be able to trace my where-abouts. Under normal circumstances (I know that mine aren't normal, which is why I dumped her in the first place, and got the restraining order) how do you best break up with someon? I mean, it's never going to be easy. The dumper wants to end it as quickly as possible, and the dumpee wants to prolong it to possibly repair whatever damage is done, and maybe get back together again. So, to all of you who are hurt(ing), how would you like to be dumped? Link to post Share on other sites
anneb Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I think in my case I would have liked to have know about the doubts he was having before the blow off email (7 months of dating) where he appeared happy with how things were going. All I got was "sorry I should have talked ot you more about it". But instead he hid it from me, called every day, came over almost every weekend and was stil making future plans for us. In my mind things were fine. I would have liked to have heard him say earlier that something was wrong. We had a lot of long talks on the couch and he never had any negative things to say about us. His blow off email said I was a great girl but missing the "spark" he was searching for. Haven't heard from him since we ofiicially broke up and since he is now posted on match.com I feel like he has moved on very fast. I'd like to know i meant something to him. His family was shocked too. His sister wrote me and isn't happy about how he treated me. But apparently it is over in his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Seriously... no s.hit... at least a fair warning. She said that she was giving to me... if they know that.. WHY NOT JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT!?!!? I'll tell you why they don't.. .because they're emotional immature and insecure. They're 'affraid/worried' what the outcome will be......... Sad people... very sad........ they're hurting inside... and they don't realize that they hurt those around them........ Link to post Share on other sites
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