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How to get over this feeling of resentment?


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Hello (first post!) :)

 

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My girlfriend (of two years) and I broke up almost five months ago. Of course, initially I did everything I could to get back together (I did this for a few weeks before giving up). Then I followed the NC rule for a month before contacting her again. At this point I still wanted her back but I was also dating other girls at the same time.

 

We carried on texting every now and then for 1-2 months before meeting up (her idea). At the meeting I realized I am no longer attracted to her (I guess that's a sign I was in love with her before and am not anymore?). I made no attempts to get back with her. But I was polite at the meeting and, unfortunately, probably a little too friendly.

 

We carried on texting for a few weeks after this meeting. It's clear she wants me in her life for whatever reason and is somewhat confused. Although given how manipulative she is, she probably just wants me for security whilst she goes out looking to see if she can find anyone better. It's now been nearly a month that I've been ignoring her. She is interested in further meetings which she has hinted at. Part of me is and part of me isn't.

 

During this time that I've been ignoring her, I feel such resentment towards her looking back at how she treated me and deeply regret that I agreed to meet her and that I was friendly with her. I can never forgive her.

 

Is this normal at this stage and what can I do to get over it?

 

Thanks!

Edited by Lemonadee
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You are to sole creator of your own feelings and disquiet. You 'get over the feeling' by not feeding it. You don't feed it by going and remaining in No contact. Full stop, end of story, no argument, no discussion, no 'yes but', no 'what if'.... That's it and all of it. Go No contact, permanently. Further discussion is, I think you'll find, utterly superfluous.

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Lernaean_Hydra

Yes it's normal but as far as what you should do, absolutely nothing, or rather, exactly what you've been doing. Stay NC and completely excise her from your life. It's over now and there is no legitimate reason to stay "friends". Just thank your lucky stars you've moved on.

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Ordinaryday

write a really really nasty letter to her explaining EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERYTHING, and how you feel betrayed and hurt and used by her, etc. write it all down on paper and then DON'T SEND IT TO HER. read it over, it will help you understand your feelings better.

 

if she ever contacts you again either ignore her or text back once with "considering the way you treated me in a relationship what makes you think I would ever consider a friendship with you?".

 

then delete and ignore any future response from her.

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write a really really nasty letter to her explaining EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERYTHING, and how you feel betrayed and hurt and used by her, etc. write it all down on paper and then DON'T SEND IT TO HER. read it over, it will help you understand your feelings better.

 

if she ever contacts you again either ignore her or text back once with "considering the way you treated me in a relationship what makes you think I would ever consider a friendship with you?".

 

then delete and ignore any future response from her.

 

I already done that. I wrote a massive email detailing exactly how I feel. But thankfully I didn't sent it.

 

Is it a good idea to reply if she texts again with what you've said or should I just continue to ignore? I have been over her for a long time and thought we could be friends (I really just didn't give a **** and was dating other girls etc). But now I don't want to be friends anymore and want nothing to do with her. However the thought of her suffering the same way I did is very tempting. Ideally I'd like her to want me again so that I can reject her. But never seeing and speaking to her ever again is also something I'm fairly content with, but that feeling of resentment lingers and wants revenge.

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No...'It' doesn't - YOU do. YOU want revenge, because YOU are feeding, nurturing, nourishing and cultivating that resentment. You know what they say: 'It's like buying poison for someone else, but then drinking it yourself.' You are only currently hurting yourself. She is oblivious - she doesn't care! They say "A life well-lived is the perfect revenge." Lot of truth in that.

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No...'It' doesn't - YOU do. YOU want revenge, because YOU are feeding, nurturing, nourishing and cultivating that resentment. You know what they say: 'It's like buying poison for someone else, but then drinking it yourself.' You are only currently hurting yourself. She is oblivious - she doesn't care! They say "A life well-lived is the perfect revenge." Lot of truth in that.

 

Easier said than done. I agree with everything you're saying and believe success is the best revenge. But how will she know about my success if I completely block her from my life?

 

And she isn't as oblivious as it seems. She has admitted to regretting what happened and I know I can reconcile with her if I wanted to. But I have no desire to do that.

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hoping2heal
Easier said than done. I agree with everything you're saying and believe success is the best revenge. But how will she know about my success if I completely block her from my life?

 

And she isn't as oblivious as it seems. She has admitted to regretting what happened and I know I can reconcile with her if I wanted to. But I have no desire to do that.

 

What did she do that you're so angry about?

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Well, you don't say exactly what she did that was unforgivable. If it's a simple break up, we're all in the same boat, I wouldn't go for a payback.

 

Just send her a text "I'm not interested in being friends" and leave it at that.

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Well, you don't say exactly what she did that was unforgivable. If it's a simple break up, we're all in the same boat, I wouldn't go for a payback.

 

Just send her a text "I'm not interested in being friends" and leave it at that.

 

That, in her stupid mind, might imply I'm not interested in being friends because I still want her. I'm not interested in being anything.

 

No cheating or anything like that (at least that I know of). But not a simple breakup either, more of a premeditated breakup.

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hoping2heal
That, in her stupid mind, might imply I'm not interested in being friends because I still want her. I'm not interested in being anything.

 

No cheating or anything like that (at least that I know of). But not a simple breakup either, more of a premeditated breakup.

 

So, you're on a rager because she pre-meditated breaking up with you?

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Easier said than done. I agree with everything you're saying and believe success is the best revenge. But how will she know about my success if I completely block her from my life?

You don't get it, do you? WHO CARES whether she will know or not - ?! YOU will know! You're not doing it to affect her - you're doing it to heal, move on, and make life better for yourself! You really shouldn't give a stuff what she thinks or why!

 

And she isn't as oblivious as it seems. She has admitted to regretting what happened and I know I can reconcile with her if I wanted to. But I have no desire to do that.

Yes, of course you don't. You could have fooled me, the amount that you are going on about her. if you really cared about her as little as you imply you do, this wouldn't even be in question....

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You don't get it, do you? WHO CARES whether she will know or not - ?! YOU will know! You're not doing it to affect her - you're doing it to heal, move on, and make life better for yourself! You really shouldn't give a stuff what she thinks or why!

 

 

Yes, of course you don't. You could have fooled me, the amount that you are going on about her. if you really cared about her as little as you imply you do, this wouldn't even be in question....

 

Yes, you're right.

 

My apologies, some days I wake up feeling like this and then I am fine again. I felt no resentment when I was seeing other girls; going to go on a few more dates and I'm sure I'll be fine again.

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So, you're on a rager because she pre-meditated breaking up with you?

 

My views on society are probably a little different to what most people have become accustomed to. I believe leaving someone when you have made a commitment to be with them is a betrayal.

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So you would never change jobs, then? or sell a car you bought on contract, and buy a new one? Or you would never change your mind on anything, as would be your prerogative as a thinking, intelligent human being with a capacity to re-evaluate? If your GF had stabbed you and had been guilty of physical abuse, say, you would stay with her, because you committed to her? Really?

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So you would never change jobs, then? or sell a car you bought on contract, and buy a new one? Or you would never change your mind on anything, as would be your prerogative as a thinking, intelligent human being with a capacity to re-evaluate? If your GF had stabbed you and had been guilty of physical abuse, say, you would stay with her, because you committed to her? Really?

 

I have no loyalty towards a job. I will simply go to the job that pays me the most. Likewise, I have no feelings or loyalty towards my car. I will simply buy the best car I can afford. I have never made a promise to my job or my car.

 

What you're saying makes sense from a logical point of view but it makes you a terrible person if that's the way you look at relationships. For example, say you are a poor man and you marry an average looking woman. You then become rich. You suddenly have much better options. The logical thing would be to leave and find a new, hotter, younger wife. This happens all the time. But is it right? If you do such a thing, you are a terrible person, no excuses, no forgiveness. It is betrayal.

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I have no loyalty towards a job. I will simply go to the job that pays me the most.
It's not the job that makes the job. It's the boss you work for, who makes the job. That's whom you're being "disloyal to".

 

Likewise, I have no feelings or loyalty towards my car. I will simply buy the best car I can afford. I have never made a promise to my job or my car.
A contract is a contract. Just like one of marriage, if something about it doesn't suit you, you cancel the contract...

 

What you're saying makes sense from a logical point of view but it makes you a terrible person if that's the way you look at relationships. For example, say you are a poor man and you marry an average looking woman. You then become rich. You suddenly have much better options. The logical thing would be to leave and find a new, hotter, younger wife.
Why would it automatically be 'the logical thing'? What's 'logical' about it? That's not being disloyal, that's being shallow. And obviously, your so-called 'better option' would have an interest in your money, wouldn't she? You're clearly not thinking this through properly.

 

If you do such a thing, you are a terrible person, no excuses, no forgiveness. It is betrayal.

No, it's not;it depends on the motive, and how it's done. There are divorce laws in most countries that would amply look after a woman's needs if her H were to be so vapid and shallow as to leave her for an arguable 'better option'. And I notice you have avoided the 'what if she's abusive?' question....

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I'm not here to argue. I did say my views are very different from the norm. I am not making judgement on who is right and who is wrong.

 

But thank you for your earlier advice. I am just going to cut communication as I already have and enjoy my life.

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...Good. That was my whole (original) point.....Best of luck! :)

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