Ex Girlfriend Keeps getting in touch... Any thoughts?

[Hellooo]

Guys my girlfriend broke up with me just over 3 weeks ago.

 

 

We had a chat and she seemed quite confused and upset, but ultimately she felt indifferent about our relationship enough to end it. Following the conversation she asked to be friends and I told her no. I then removed her from Facebook and told her to stop texting etc.

 

 

4 days later she sent me a nothing text asking me about work. Ignored this.

 

 

A week later she sent me another text (whilst on holiday with her friend) asking how I was doing. I replied to this one (several hours later) and let her know I was doing great and wished her a good holiday. She again responded (instantly) and told me her holiday was quiet and she had found some sunglasses she knows I would like and did I want her to buy me them. I obviously declined then cut the conversation off.

 

 

2 weeks later she messages again asking how I am and telling me she has bought a new car (this was something we had been looking at together for her whilst we were in a relationship).

 

 

I responded (several hours later) again letting her know how good I was and that I had been out to a show. Told her I was glad she was sorted with a car as I knew she had been looking forward to getting one.

 

 

Again straight away she replied asking who I had been out with, asking how my parents were and then telling me all about her new car.

 

 

I let her know everything was good (didn't mention who I had been out with) and again wished her well with the car and ended the conversation.

 

 

Next day she randomly messages me telling me she had just tried a new gym drink and asking if I had used it as she really liked it. I ignored this for a day or so then replied saying I had used the drink before and its good and wished her well with her gym training.

 

 

Instantly she replies again. This time she says this;

 

 

"If you want me to stop talking just say, I won't hassle you. I just think its nice to talk now and again. Anyway, how are you?... she then went on about the gym and began making more conversation.

 

 

I left it a while and replied totally ignoring what she said about hassling and talking and just said "I am great thanks, just been in the gym myself with a new routine, really enjoying it, glad to see you are too"

 

 

Again, straight away she replied telling me she had joined a new gym as she had got bored and since her holiday had been running again so she will be in great shape in no time. I then cut it off and told her I was busy and going out with a friend so I might speak to her soon.

 

 

She responded with "ok then, speak soon xx "

 

 

I am baffled by all this.

 

 

My mindset at the moment is I do want to get her back as I feel there was enough there in our relationship that would be worth salvaging. To me it would have to be a fresh start though as the old relationship is dead.

 

 

I get what people say about breadcrumbs, guilt and the rest, but I just don't understand what she is getting at by the content of these messages. If she is moving on without me why keep telling me about her life and asking what I am doing/how I am?

 

 

I made it clear when we broke up friends wasn't an option and when I have responded to her messages I have been friendly/happy but made no attempt to converse with her or ask her a single question yet she responds straight away and it takes me to end the conversation. Since we have broke up I haven't initiated contact once.

 

 

Any opinions/advice would be interesting.

[hoping2heal]

Yes, you told her you didn't want to be friends. But, you've engaged with her when she started contacting you. She is not going to respect the boundary you verbally asserted, apparently.

 

She seems to be trying to make a friendship here with you, probably part guilt easing and part comfort.

[Hellooo]

Yes, you told her you didn't want to be friends. But, you've engaged with her when she started contacting you. She is not going to respect the boundary you verbally asserted, apparently.

 

She seems to be trying to make a friendship here with you, probably part guilt easing and part comfort.

 

So again, nothing positive to see here?

 

 

I don't understand why she is so bothered on making a friendship with me.

[hoping2heal]

So again, nothing positive to see here?

 

If by positive, you mean no positive signs she wants you back..I would say, no. She's saying a lot, but it's all platonic stuff and none of it is "I want you back".

 

I don't understand why she is so bothered on making a friendship with me.

 

It probably makes her feel better. Just because she didn't want to date you any longer doesn't mean she doesn't care about you as a person. I'm sure she has some guilt over hurting you and if the two of you can be buddy/buddy she has nothing to feel guilty about and can still keep the comfort part of the relationship in tact, while not having to be romantic or commit to any romantic aspirations.

[Hellooo]

If by positive, you mean no positive signs she wants you back..I would say, no. She's saying a lot, but it's all platonic stuff and none of it is "I want you back".

 

It probably makes her feel better. Just because she didn't want to date you any longer doesn't mean she doesn't care about you as a person. I'm sure she has some guilt over hurting you and if the two of you can be buddy/buddy she has nothing to feel guilty about and can still keep the comfort part of the relationship in tact, while not having to be romantic or commit to any romantic aspirations.

 

Would they be as obvious to say "I want you back" though?

 

 

I haven't seen her in 3 weeks, or spoken to her bar these messages she has sent.

 

 

I obviously don't want to fall in to being her friend, hence why I have been as I have in my messages, but she keeps coming back and back which just confuses me.

[hoping2heal]

She dumped you, yes?

 

I would say she would have to be obvious, otherwise how would you know?

 

If it is to drive you mad with curiosity, you could always ask her why she keeps attempting contact. Then you will hear it from the horse's mouth, instead of getting your hopes up. I realize you are drawn in by her texting - I just think she acts more like she's trying to build a friendship than get back together.

[No Limit]

Go NC. NC means "no contact". You perform it by ignoring whatever ways she might try to get in touch with you, and you are to ignore her until she clings to your leg and didn't let go after being dragged along with you for at least 5 miles.

 

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[gj13]

This type of contact happens so that they can ease the guilt they feel after they break up with you. Obviously they know it hurts you (and them too) so they do this in hopes of lessening that effect. Also, they miss the familiarity and comfort that comes with speaking to you often (you know, after all the time spent). So it doesn't mean she wants something more than JUST talking. It's all more obvious considering she asked you to be friends... guilty as hell. Just go NC, no need for this in your life, only causes further confusion.

[Hello201]

This month I've had a txt " I wish we could be friends"

An email that she later said was her doing email housekeeping and I hope I bleive her

And 5 blocked calls over the last 6 days (the calls don't get thru but appear in my log)

It might be cos I've moved house and she wants to wish me good luck

But I don't care an won't respond , neither should you

Rise above and stay strong my friend you owe her nothing any more

[BC1980]

Would they be as obvious to say "I want you back" though?

 

 

I haven't seen her in 3 weeks, or spoken to her bar these messages she has sent.

 

 

I obviously don't want to fall in to being her friend, hence why I have been as I have in my messages, but she keeps coming back and back which just confuses me.

 

Yes, a person would be that obvious to say they wanted you back. The person also worked up the courage to leave you, so I'm sure she can find a way to flat out say she wants you back it that's the case. Right now, she is looking for a way to ease her guilt. If you agree to a friendship or text back, she can't be all that bad in her mind. Months from now you will wish you hadn't done anything to help her feel better about herself.

[irresolute]

I'd say, stop replying to her. No text. No nothing.

she is testing the waters and you cave in.

If she wanted you back, she should have told you so. She may be feeling guilty and lonely, so she wants to stay friends with you.

 

Just go no contact and stop replying.

[Missy0724]

Hi. This just happened to me about a month ago. BF of 9 months broke up with me. Saw the signs, him pulling away, attempting to switch to "just friends" (yeah-but he still slept with me, duh-live and learn...) for couple of months, before he actually broke off the romantic relationship.

 

Days after break up, he says he wants to "be friends, now that the romantic part is removed." Wow, thanks! Glad it's already gone for you! I was blindsided and a mess. Couldn't believe he could go right to friends! I was SO SO confused, because I didn't want to let go, I wanted him back as my BF, more than just friends. I had hope that maybe he made a mistake and would see that...

 

So I agreed to be friends. He called to check up on me, same as your story...sounds so familiar!

 

I tried, but it actually hurt more hearing his voice, knowing he cared. I missed him so much! Yes, those routines, texting, talking every day for 9 months! Such a loss and change! Not easy to just let go, go to nothing...

I am strong, but at that time, I wasn't ready to go from everything, my best friend, to nothing, as some people can do...

 

Well, we tried to be friends for a couple of weeks. He obviously was happy, so he seemed to be, telling me about his day, how fun of a weekend he had, things he up to. I shared the same with him, and also some challenging things I going thru. He had been my rock, best friend for 9 months, the person I turned to when upset about other relationships, my ex husband, challenges with my teenagers, parents, etc. Found out my dad is sick and probably has cancer. Had a REALLY bad day - turned to him as a friend, and he basically made the conversation all about him... I was SO hurt. What kind of friend does that?

 

And he also told me he had a date. This was 3 weeks after we broke up. I was heartbroken. The whole time we texting, talking, and even though he said, "just friends", I was hanging in there, had hope that maybe he wanted to start fresh with me, because we actually had begun our relationship much too fast, too rushed, both of us too eager, slept together too early, etc.

 

I thought maybe he wanted to start over, work on the friendship, focus on that, and see what happens.

 

I know now, I was SO naive. If he had wanted me back, to try to work things out, he would have told me.

 

I made A LOT of assumptions - yes, biggest mistakes we make when dating, or with someone! Causes so much trouble, misunderstanding... :-(

 

And I was not strong enough at that time to say, NO - I'm not interested in being just friends with you. I have enough friends. I want a boyfriend. If you don't want that, then we have to part ways. Thank you for a wonderful 9 months, and good luck to you.

 

I have recently done that and gone into full NC. For ME. I told him how I felt, that he led me on, some lies he told me, that I wanted a future with him, and I'm sorry for wasting his time, bc when he did tell me couple of months before he broke up with me, that he didn't see a future with me...I hung on. Because he asked for "more time".

 

I know his part. I know my part. I love him, always will. But our timing off, he didn't want to be with me. He broke up with me. What else does a person need to know?

 

Yes, we are in denial in the beginning. Love is a form of addiction, and when we first break up with someone we truly love and want to be with, we go thru withdrawal.

 

We just need time, space, NC to see things clearly and for what they truly are.

 

If someone breaks up with us, it's for a reason. And by the time they break up with us, they've already broken up with us in their minds, been thinking about it for a while before.

 

Hard to accept, yes. But that is reality. And the sooner we accept this person had made their decision, doesn't want to be with us anymore, because if they wanted to be with us, we would KNOW IT! Especially men. If a man wants you - they will let you know. If they are healthy, mature men who don't play games, that is...

 

And why be with someone who doesn't want you. NEVER AGAIN.

 

Let go, move on, stay NC. And take one day at a time. Maybe some day we can be friends with an ex. But certainly not right away when things are raw, people are hurting, mourning this loss, which is like a death.

 

We must go thru the stages of mourning, feel it ALL. Don't deny it, stuff it with rebounds, drinking, etc. Move thru it.

 

Only fair to yourself and the next person who enters your life. So you both can love again freely.

 

Really the only way it works! We are all humans, make mistakes, choose the wrong people. But we must - all part of our human journey - we fall, we get back up, we learn...and hopefully be more mature, know what we want and don't want, ready for REAL LOVE when someday it enters our life...

[Missy0724]

OH - major point. I have learned that he only wanted to stay friends, yes, to ease his own guilt. And to make himself feel better. He really needed me as a friend, bc he doesn't have a lot of close friends.

 

But I'm no doormat. I wanted a BF, not just a friend. Doesn't work that way. Maybe someday we can be friends with our exes, but IN TIME. After the healing process is over, when we are really over them.

 

When we are OK knowing they dating again, with another. Once that sting is gone, you feel nothing for them, happy for them - then OK to try be friends.

 

Anything else is untruthful and selfish.