Can I win her back?

[john3255]

Hi All and thanks for reading.

 

I was with my gf for 5 and a half years, we live together and have done pretty much without problems for most of the relationship. We moved in together very quickly.

 

Things were all good until a few months back when I (stupidly) refused to go to a family wedding down the country with her. This left her having to explain to family etc why I wasn't there. I know this was wrong and I apologised afterwards but it's like it just didn't recover from there.

 

We recently had a couple of periods of trying to make things work and then all of a sudden she said that she does not love me anymore and it's over!

 

I am really struggling with this, I can eat, sleep or think!

 

Advice would be great.

[PegNosePete]

I very much doubt that she would throw away a relationship of 5 and a half years over one non-attendance of a family wedding. This would not cause her to stop loving you. There must be some deeper issues going on here.....

[Griesfootball]

I very much doubt that she would throw away a relationship of 5 and a half years over one non-attendance of a family wedding. This would not cause her to stop loving you. There must be some deeper issues going on here.....

 

Agree it would be like you breaking up with her because she didn't go to a playoff football game your brother was playing in, doesn't make sense.

[d0nnivain]

Can you invite the newlyweds over for dinner or at least some other members of her family? You do all the work. Show her you care about her family.

[SoThatHappened]

Yep, something (or multiple somethings) caused her to want out.

 

The no-show at the wedding was possibly the icing on the cake or a tangible excuse for her to make her exit.

[john3255]

Yes, it was the icing on the cake I guess.

 

I'm self employed and her family live down the country from us. I always say that I can go because of work when she goes, this is not always the case, it is just me being lazy sometimes.

 

There has also been 2 occasions that I have been rude to her family when they were staying with us. I apologised for this as it's out of order.

[john3255]

She also said that she felt we had grew apart over time and that I no longer had my own hobbies.

 

This is true because I was putting all of my effort into the business for the first 2 years but things are good now, I have took on an employee and I don't have to work as hard.

 

We rarely went to bed at the same time anymore as I was always working. Just typing this kinda makes me see why she doesn't love me anymore.

 

The question is, can I change that?

[SoThatHappened]

She also said that she felt we had grew apart over time and that I no longer had my own hobbies.

 

This is true because I was putting all of my effort into the business for the first 2 years but things are good now, I have took on an employee and I don't have to work as hard.

 

We rarely went to bed at the same time anymore as I was always working. Just typing this kinda makes me see why she doesn't love me anymore.

 

The question is, can I change that?

 

Normally everyone states to go NC, but I don't know.

 

Your awareness of your own short-comings is really impressive. Maybe making HER aware that YOU'RE aware and willing to change is enough to get her back.

 

You didn't do anything horrible, or really even bad. You did what most of us do after that long: you got comfortable and the significant other wasn't as much of a priority.

 

5.5 years is a long time. I'm sure she still loves you, but grew tired of being neglected a little bit.

 

I think it's great how aware you are about your faults. I'd rather be with someone that learned from mistakes than someone who never made them.

 

Maybe it's worth a shot to let her know the same things you've posted here.

[me85]

Hi All and thanks for reading.

 

I was with my gf for 5 and a half years, we live together and have done pretty much without problems for most of the relationship. We moved in together very quickly.

 

Things were all good until a few months back when I (stupidly) refused to go to a family wedding down the country with her. This left her having to explain to family etc why I wasn't there. I know this was wrong and I apologised afterwards but it's like it just didn't recover from there.

 

We recently had a couple of periods of trying to make things work and then all of a sudden she said that she does not love me anymore and it's over!

 

I am really struggling with this, I can eat, sleep or think!

 

Advice would be great.

 

When did she BU with you? Are you still living together? Sounds like you were blindsided by her BU with you, were you?

 

BUs may seem like they come out of nowhere for no apparent reason sometimes, but this is seldom the case. There are always signs/red flags...Try to back track & inspect every aspect of your RS with her. Back to even the little things that could've lead to bigger things you may have thought were insignificant but they probably weren't so insignificant to her.

 

5 & a half years is a long time...do you see yourself marrying her? I'm sure the two of you discussed marriage in 5 1/2 years. How did the two of you feel about it?

 

I'll be honest, my initial reaction is that she probably had someone waiting in the winds because rarely does someone up and tell a person they don't love them anymore without very good reason. It just does not happen that way. At all.

 

I'm so sorry, I know how it feels to not be able to eat or sleep when I'm so upset. I promise things will get better and she could very well just be waiting for you to make a move & fight for her. You know her better than we do, so help us help you. (=

 

Best wishes to you! Please keep us all informed! We're here for you dude.

J

Edited July 29, 2014 by me85

[john3255]

The BU is less than a week old.

 

We live together but it is her house so I will be moving out. She is away at the moment on, you guessed it, a family trip! She is back in a few days.

 

I have wrote down lots of stuff that I'd like to say to her, sometimes it's easier writing things down. Do you think I should send this? Make any changes?

 

I don't think she's playing a game with me, shes just not like that. we are 34 and 31.

 

Yes we'd spoke about marriage, children, everything.

 

Here is the letter, it will also open up more points that I've not mentioned.

 

Here goes...

 

I have thought long and hard about what has happened and what I think about it. I don't expect this to make much difference to the way you feel about me (it hurt like hell to hear you say that you didn't love me anymore but it gets easier as each day passes) but I feel they are important points for me to make. Whatever happens from here, I'm glad that you were part of my life, you're an amazing woman who deserves to find happiness. I do feel that it is possible to fall in love with a person for a second time but I guess you have to want that to happen for it to have any chance.

 

I realise that's it's **** that I don't come with you when you go to see your family especially when it's a special occasion. Sometimes I can't come but most of the times I could have. I want to change that.

 

You're right about me not having any hobbies etc anymore. As I said, it started when I was ill but I think I'm ok now and I've started going to the gym again. It's healthy to have separate interests and I think I was over thinking how much netball you were playing because I was sat waiting for you to come home as I wasn't doing my own things anymore.

 

Onto netball, I've thought a lot about it as for me it was the main issue. What I have thought is that I should support you and your netball more, it's the one thing that you love doing and I should appreciate that and take more interest. You're right, I should come and watch you play sometimes. I should also help out and stuff when you do your charity events, that's what you do in a relationship and that's what I should be doing. I'll be honest with you, I put up a wall against anything to do with netball and I shouldn't, I don't know why I did in the first place but I am ready to knock that wall down.

 

I already know that lying is a big issue for you and I can totally see why when it leaves you looking like a dick because of it. I have already made a big effort to stop doing this and will continue from here.

 

I think at times I have been rude when your family has been visiting us, this is completely out of order and there is no excuse, it shouldn't happen. Not coming down for tea because of football, having TV too loud are two points that stand out. I'm really sorry for doing this as if it were the other way round I'd be very unhappy about it. This will not happen again, I can promise you that.

 

Since the business has picked up, I have chosen to work late and get up late. I think that this has had a negative effect on the relationship as we no longer have just cuddles before sleep which makes sex seem like a bigger issue than it is! I'm 35, my sex drive is dropping!! But I do think that it's important for us to go to bed together at least most nights so we can just cuddle up without there always being an expectation on sex.

 

Another thing that I have realised is that things like the Olympics, common wealth games, Robbie Williams etc. I want to be going to those things with you and I totally regret not going to them.

 

Amanda is getting married next week, you will look gorgeous as her bridesmaid, I want to be there by your side to see that and enjoy the day together.

 

The bottom line here in most of these problems is that I have been selfish and not thought about you when I should have. I am sorry for doing these things and I'm sorry that it has took this for me to open my eyes and see what is happening. I do realise that these are just words and you'd need to see the actions that go with them.

 

I chased you for god knows how long before I finally got you Rachel! I genuinely expected you to be my "baby" forever and I still feel like this relationship has so much more left in it to stop it here. The thought of not having you in my life breaks my heart. I've never ever felt like this before after a breakup which in itself says that you were different to anything before. I feel as though I'm losing my soulmate. I want nothing more than for us to get married, have children, new house with garden with kids and dogs playing together and have a happy ever after ending.

 

You said that having a dog is not a reason to stay together and you're right it's not but the three of us are a little family and I do feel that it's something of note when deciding whether or not to fight to save what we have. I stand to lose, you, our dog, my home and what I thought was a together forever relationship. that makes me sad. It's going to cost me around £2000 to move out, bond, Fees and 1 month upfront (that's a serious piece of bling! :-). That is a lot of money and once I pay it there is no easy way back for us so if you have the tiniest doubt about what you are doing then now is the time to speak.

 

I'm not always good at saying exactly how I feel so I thought that it was best for me to write it down. You have always been there for me during the tough times and I'd like to think that I've been there for you during your tough times. This time we need to be there for each other and we can come out of the other side happier and stronger.

 

Always and forever

X

[john3255]

She knows that I am going to send this letter to her later tonight. I said that I would leave it until later so that she does not have to be upset in front of her family etc

[SoThatHappened]

Not bad. I would emphasize as much as you can that you would like to be given the opportunity to PROVE to her that you can be different.

 

Not an ultimatum, just really ask her to give you a shot to prove it. I think that's all you can really do.

 

After 5.5 years, she should at least give you a shot.

 

I gave a former ex YEARS to grow up. She never did. But at least she was given that shot.

 

This probably goes against a lot of advice here, but you may need to plead with her a little.

 

Again, you really didn't do anything "bad" in the relationship. You just got comfortable and took her for granted. You worked hard to get a business off the ground and may have made that a priority over her. At least it shows that you have ambition.

 

Now that the business is up and running, you can dedicate more time to her.

 

Rooting for ya, man.

[me85]

A letter is just fine. Thank you for sharing. If that's what you feel, then good. Be honest, don't take advice on here on what others think you should write. It's important that your letter is genuine and from your heart. I've helped people with letters, resumes, emails and any other thing you write, a world over...it's a specialty of mine.

 

In this case, because I have no idea who you are it's harder to help tweak such a personal letter. I don't feel this situation causes for it anyway. I don't think you can wrong by writing your GF of 5.5 years a letter to explain how you feel about your RS.

 

A letter was a very good idea. Keep re-reading it to make sure you covered everything and it's just the way you want it.

 

Good luck.

[john3255]

Appreciate the help, advice and support guys. I have sent it to her and I await to see what she says once she gets a chance to read it.

[john3255]

Ok so just an update. I sent her this last night and she just never bother to reply. I know she has read it. It's so sad that after 5.5 years she treats me so cold

 

I guess I've got to just make that my last contact with her or it starts to become harassing to her.

 

Gutted...

[Lemonadee]

Yes you can win her back, but by the time that happens, you probably will not want her back.

 

Don't contact her anymore.

[d0nnivain]

I could have saved you that heartache. Letters never work! Most of that stuff needed to be said. The minute you sent the letter you ruined any chance you had because the letter could be & was ignored.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Now you have to go about extricating your lives from each other.

[john3255]

She will be home again tomorrow for 2 days before she leaves again for a few days. Is it even worth trying to talk to her about anything or am I just wasting my time and emotions.

[d0nnivain]

If you want her back you have to talk but don't grovel. We regret more in life the things we don't do. You have to try.

 

Since you already sent it, reference the letter when you talk to her. You will at least know where you stand.

[john3255]

A little progress tonight. Is she about to come back?

 

Her

I have read your message and I do feel the same way that I am making the right decision. We obviously need to sort logistics out but if you could do your post early tomorrow, I would appreciate it. I'm not sure what time we are setting off but I think we should be back around 1pm. I'm out on Friday from about 9:40am and then we could talk when I get back about how we are going to go about this

 

Me

Is there somebody else? Not asking if you've cheated, has somebody else caught your attention?

 

Her

No one else at all! Not even been speaking with anyone.

 

Me

Ok x

 

Her

How's the dog?

 

Me

Just felt I had to ask as 3 people that I told the story all said that if she'll throw it away after 5.5 years because of little things then she's found somebody else :-( Dog is fine but she's sad, prob because I'm sad and I've not been in the mood to play with her x

 

Her

It's just an accumulation of things and the way I feel. I think we've drifted apart...

Have you been walking her? I'm coming back up here on sat night - if you want to stay at the house with her?

 

Me

Yeah I know but don't you think the things I said in the message would totally change that? Me going to the gym again with Andy, helping out with your charity netball on top of what we were already doing in going out more. I think we could have turned it into something. As you've just said, it's accumulation of small things, I don't think there was anything major broke. I've missed you like crazy this week, I know you won't have missed me because of the way you feel and that is my fault for letting you get like that, I'll always have that regret.

 

I just think back to when things were good which isn't too far back! I also feel as though we are so close to being fine again but now you have put a barrier up and there is no way that you want to entertain the idea. I still find that hard to get my head around. If it was the other way round, I'd do everything I could to try and save a relationship after so long.

 

Yes I've been walking her but she just runs away so had to keep her on her lead quite a bit. I think she is in turmoil a bit too, she knows something's not right :-( x

 

We were so happy, it's not that long ago that we were talking about getting engaged, moving house to have a garden, babies. Those feelings don't just disappear overnight.

 

Her

It's not that I have not thought this through or won't entertain the idea of trying - I feel I have tried and I don't think my feelings will change. I been thinking about things for a while and things have never been 'perfect' - we've always had an issue with my netball and you with sex etc.... We broke up before and I let us try again then so it's not like I didn't try.

I'm going to bed now as just got back to the hotel. I'll see you Friday sometime. Night x

 

Me

My message said that I'd put up a wall against netball, don't even know why but that would change, I can promise you that. Sex is not the issue, the issue is me staying up every night, trust me on that. Also, if you don't feel loved and content, why the **** would you want to have sex with someone. I've totally took you for granted and not paid you the attention and spent the time with you that I should have.

 

I don't know why but all of this has made me see sense and see what I have to lose (an amazing baby who means everything and more to me)

 

I know that you say that we tried again last time but did we try again or did we just continue from where it left off.

 

This time, instead of "trying again" let's start again, forget the past and build a future.

 

I know 10000000000% that this can work and that you can be happier than you've ever been. All as I need is for you to trust me and let me show you.

 

I totally mean the things in the message about coming to see you play netball, helping at your tournaments, Kathleen is not going on hol I don't think as her passports are delayed so I prob could do most of the week now with your Mum and family.

 

I know that if I was doing those things then it'd make you smile and I'd be doing them because I want to do that stuff, not because I feel I have to.

 

Surely it's worth trying, please consider it.

 

Love you with all my heart

Goodnight

X x x

 

And you can rest assured that if I win you back this time, you're never getting away again ever x

 

 

Do you agree that this is starting to look like it may have some promise?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

A little progress tonight. Is she about to come back?

 

Her

I have read your message and I do feel the same way that I am making the right decision. We obviously need to sort logistics out but if you could do your post early tomorrow, I would appreciate it. I'm not sure what time we are setting off but I think we should be back around 1pm. I'm out on Friday from about 9:40am and then we could talk when I get back about how we are going to go about this

 

Me

Is there somebody else? Not asking if you've cheated, has somebody else caught your attention?

 

Her

No one else at all! Not even been speaking with anyone.

 

Me

Ok x

 

Her

How's the dog?

 

Me

Just felt I had to ask as 3 people that I told the story all said that if she'll throw it away after 5.5 years because of little things then she's found somebody else :-( Dog is fine but she's sad, prob because I'm sad and I've not been in the mood to play with her x

 

Her

It's just an accumulation of things and the way I feel. I think we've drifted apart...

Have you been walking her? I'm coming back up here on sat night - if you want to stay at the house with her?

 

Me

Yeah I know but don't you think the things I said in the message would totally change that? Me going to the gym again with Andy, helping out with your charity netball on top of what we were already doing in going out more. I think we could have turned it into something. As you've just said, it's accumulation of small things, I don't think there was anything major broke. I've missed you like crazy this week, I know you won't have missed me because of the way you feel and that is my fault for letting you get like that, I'll always have that regret.

 

I just think back to when things were good which isn't too far back! I also feel as though we are so close to being fine again but now you have put a barrier up and there is no way that you want to entertain the idea. I still find that hard to get my head around. If it was the other way round, I'd do everything I could to try and save a relationship after so long.

 

Yes I've been walking her but she just runs away so had to keep her on her lead quite a bit. I think she is in turmoil a bit too, she knows something's not right :-( x

 

We were so happy, it's not that long ago that we were talking about getting engaged, moving house to have a garden, babies. Those feelings don't just disappear overnight.

 

Her

It's not that I have not thought this through or won't entertain the idea of trying - I feel I have tried and I don't think my feelings will change. I been thinking about things for a while and things have never been 'perfect' - we've always had an issue with my netball and you with sex etc.... We broke up before and I let us try again then so it's not like I didn't try.

I'm going to bed now as just got back to the hotel. I'll see you Friday sometime. Night x

 

Me

My message said that I'd put up a wall against netball, don't even know why but that would change, I can promise you that. Sex is not the issue, the issue is me staying up every night, trust me on that. Also, if you don't feel loved and content, why the **** would you want to have sex with someone. I've totally took you for granted and not paid you the attention and spent the time with you that I should have.

 

I don't know why but all of this has made me see sense and see what I have to lose (an amazing baby who means everything and more to me)

 

I know that you say that we tried again last time but did we try again or did we just continue from where it left off.

 

This time, instead of "trying again" let's start again, forget the past and build a future.

 

I know 10000000000% that this can work and that you can be happier than you've ever been. All as I need is for you to trust me and let me show you.

 

I totally mean the things in the message about coming to see you play netball, helping at your tournaments, Kathleen is not going on hol I don't think as her passports are delayed so I prob could do most of the week now with your Mum and family.

 

I know that if I was doing those things then it'd make you smile and I'd be doing them because I want to do that stuff, not because I feel I have to.

 

Surely it's worth trying, please consider it.

 

Love you with all my heart

Goodnight

X x x

 

And you can rest assured that if I win you back this time, you're never getting away again ever x

 

 

Do you agree that this is starting to look like it may have some promise?

 

Holy s*** PLEASE do not tell me you sent that last part?!?! PLEASE tell me you didnt.

[john3255]

I did. Haha

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I don't see much progress there at all. She's pretty adamant. And I have to agree that the last part was lame, kind of creepy, and definitely cringeworthy.

[SoThatHappened]

Eh, it's alright man. Nobody's perfect.

 

She doesn't seem very receptive. She sounds frustrated and you can tell she's really come to terms with ending this relationship.

 

I'm really rooting for you. I hope you both can talk it out, face to face, and make some progress.

 

Do anything and everything you can to make the house feel clean and comfortable when she gets back. Make sure any pet peeves she has about you are gone (i.e. dirty clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink, whatever).

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I did. Haha

 

Good lord dude....I'm not trying to be mean, but...wow.

 

1st: You shouldnt be talking to her at all. For that very reason.

 

You are so mentally unstable right now, that you will blurt out some Notebook-esque mumbo jumbo. That made me feel so uncomfortable reading that...I can imagine how it made her feel. You probably thing she read that message with some tear in her eye, but I can assure you, she felt VERY uneasy.

 

The letter was a terrible idea to begin with...they always are. Not only did you do that, you sent that last message. Listen to us because we know what we are talking about: STOP TALKING TO HER.

 

I'm going to be blunt: She doesnt want you back. I'm sorry that sucks to hear, but she just doesnt. You pushing the issues is just making it SOOO much worse. She is, very nicely, telling you to go away. She feels bad for how it happened and everything, but that doesnt mean she wants you back. When it comes to relationships, usually (not all) males are spur of the moment "We're done" type stuff. Girls will ponder this decision for a LONG time. She has thought about breaking up with you for a while now. You never knew, so when it hits, it sucks. This isnt something she is going to change her mind about probably. DEFIANTLY not by what you are doing right now.

 

It sucks I get it....but you have to let it go. If she ever wants you back, she will let you know. You can never "win" anyone. She has to feel the same...which she doesnt.