surferchic Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Hello all. Long story (short as possible): fiance and I have spent wonderful/passionate /meaningful moments together. Hes caring and very passionate about life and our relationship . Recently though, the tension was more often than not. Early on in our relationship he had some jealousy and control issues, which I felt were unwarranted and red-flaggish. He saw and heard my displeasure with his behavior and he tried making adjustmenents but he'd still revert back to behaviors that turned me off and made me feel bad about myself and made me lose respect for him over time. His temper was a big issue but he'd always try justifying it or blaming me or someone else. So I mentioned leaving few months ago but he convinced me to stay. This time I grew mad with myself for still being with a man who snaps so frequently about any given issue, so I packed up all mynthjngs a left him last week. After this I still miss him and wanna hear from him. Am I being unrealistic to expect to hear from him or for him to not be so distant? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 You were smart enough to realize that this relationship was bad for you. Why do you want to hear from him again? I don't know if you're unrealistic to think you won't hear from him again, as dumpees often do/ are open to hearing from a dumper, despite the fact that it will only hurt them further. As a dumper, you shouldn't want to hear from him against just to bring yourself some emotional comfort, when you know a relationship will not work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Wrong post.... Plz remove Link to post Share on other sites
luvflower Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I feel your pain but I think you're feeling this way because the breakup is still fresh and you are out of the routine of seeing and being with him. If you lived together then its gonna take some time to get over. Busy yourself. He's probay still mad and pouting and not going to contact you any time soon . Just my 2¢ Link to post Share on other sites
NoLeafClover Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) Hello all. Long story (short as possible): fiance and I have spent wonderful/passionate /meaningful moments together. Hes caring and very passionate about life and our relationship . Recently though, the tension was more often than not. Early on in our relationship he had some jealousy and control issues, which I felt were unwarranted and red-flaggish. He saw and heard my displeasure with his behavior and he tried making adjustmenents but he'd still revert back to behaviors that turned me off and made me feel bad about myself and made me lose respect for him over time. His temper was a big issue but he'd always try justifying it or blaming me or someone else. So I mentioned leaving few months ago but he convinced me to stay. This time I grew mad with myself for still being with a man who snaps so frequently about any given issue, so I packed up all mynthjngs a left him last week. After this I still miss him and wanna hear from him. Am I being unrealistic to expect to hear from him or for him to not be so distant? I am sorry but you sound bi-polar...You broke it off...OKAY great for you...but now you want to hear from him? It seems to me like you stuck with him until engagement which very bad in my opinion...I mean it's much different when you decide it wasn't working out and you didn't like his behavior/jealousy during dating...but you two were on the way to the aisle so to speak then you decide to pack you things. I could understand you had an issue before and left ahead of time, but you decided to stick around until engagement which in my eyes - It is a lot tougher to deal with as a dumpee. So the situation stays.. you wanted to leave (although very late in my eyes) but now you like the comfort to hear from him, miss him etc etc. I don't understand how you expect your ex fiance to reach out to you for your own comfort...after you "packed your stuff up" This is the decision you made and situation you created...the decision you wanted so he gave you just that...what did you think was going to happen after leaving your fiance? Are you taking it hard now because he hasn't been bagging you back like last time? If so that is very selfish. You need to let him be whatever the circumstances are. Things will never be the same even if you two get back together. The trust is broken in my eyes. Especially when breaking an engagement, how do you trust the person you're with that he/she will not walk away from you again. It's very tough. Personally, I would not take back someone who breaks my engagement. All the long life dreams pictured with the person gone to craps. Edited July 29, 2014 by NoLeafClover Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 He was verbally abusive and I'm supposed to stick around for that?? I didn't really want to to go into the details so I gave a brief synopsis of our relationship. I know I'm not perfect but his family members ever eluded to the fact that he "gets so mad about things". I didn't know what they meant until about 6 months after being with him. He covered it up very well and showered me with gifts and trips and then started throwing it back in my face as if I should be indebted to him forever. Another reason i left was that we spoke about living right and not shacking so I wanted to take the initiative and stop that situation by moving. Once he yelled at me and I took my ring off. From that point he brought that up all the time. Then he took it back and gave it back. Things snowballed from there bcuz there were other legitimate issues that existed. His temper flare ups being one of them... Caused me lots of uneasiness and stress at home and at work. He'd wanna talk all day about the issue.texting me at work. Sometimes arguing while I'm at work and wondering why I would end the conversation while I was at work. This was too much. He'd improve one week then be back in the cycle the next. That in combination with other issues made me leave. I refused to go insane due to a mans control issues or anger or other baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Just FYI, I don't expect him to take me back at least not now mainly bcuz I haven't been asking him to.nor have I been calling him. I have legitimate reasons for leaving him .im just a bit sad bcuz we did have share some positive times together as well that i will never forget... I just missed him a bit and wondered if I'd ever hear from him any time soon. Mind you our break up is pretty fresh. He did contact me today bcuz of some specific business regarding bills and some of my belongings. But I don't really communicate with him other than that and I won't push the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
luvflower Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Wow surferchic... How long did you stick around for all that? I'm thinking he probably is more embarrassed and angry that you had enough guts to call him on his ***** and finally leave. I'm sure you weren't the first relationship like this. His past may have been far worse. I was in a similar relationship about a year ago and I found out after breaking up with the guy that he had 2,restraining orders out on him for domestic violence. I would've been his 3rd had a stayed one minute longer......... We sometimes put on SUPER blinders to signs we see early in the relationship. Just curious, what type of things would you do to make him angry? Link to post Share on other sites
luvflower Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I am sorry but you sound bi-polar...You broke it off...OKAY great for you...but now you want to hear from him? It seems to me like you stuck with him until engagement which very bad in my opinion...I mean it's much different when you decide it wasn't working out and you didn't like his behavior/jealousy during dating...but you two were on the way to the aisle so to speak then you decide to pack you things. I could understand you had an issue before and left ahead of time, but you decided to stick around until engagement which in my eyes - It is a lot tougher to deal with as a dumpee. So the situation stays.. you wanted to leave (although very late in my eyes) but now you like the comfort to hear from him, miss him etc etc. I don't understand how you expect your ex fiance to reach out to you for your own comfort...after you "packed your stuff up" This is the decision you made and situation you created...the decision you wanted so he gave you just that...what did you think was going to happen after leaving your fiance? Are you taking it hard now because he hasn't been bagging you back like last time? If so that is very selfish. You need to let him be whatever the circumstances are. Things will never be the same even if you two get back together. The trust is broken in my eyes. Especially when breaking an engagement, how do you trust the person you're with that he/she will not walk away from you again. It's very tough. Personally, I would not take back someone who breaks my engagement. All the long life dreams pictured with the person gone to craps. I knew there was more to the story that the OP had to say... You should think about the next time feel like passing judgment on someone, so heavily. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FnlyFrei Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Yes. It seems like the person here who was judgmental was perhaps doing some putting himself in the op's fiancé's place. Maybe he was dumped by someone for the same reasons. Maybe he is still working through some things. But I wish I had your resolve. To love yourself enough to leave someone who is manipulating you, emotionally anyhow, into staying because they lack the maturity to handle a real and interdependent relationship....is great. Even though you miss him...or the good things about him, you probably made the right choice. You cant change him. You couldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thanks fnlyfrei. I do miss him but I'm pretty sure I made the right decision... Thank you again. Any further feedback is welcomed everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Your future self will thank your present self for this. It's normal to miss him, but I think there would have been plenty of sadness and unhappiness in your future if you would have stayed, given the dynamic. You will heal and have the potential to meet someone else who makes you happy without the major "buts" Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Your future self will thank your present self for this. It's normal to miss him, but I think there would have been plenty of sadness and unhappiness in your future if you would have stayed, given the dynamic. You will heal and have the potential to meet someone else who makes you happy without the major "buts" Very well and simply stated. We often neglect ourselves when in the presence of "not so good" energy. The right energy will allow you to be yourself rather than compromising your dignity /peace/happiness, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you all for the feedback. I know its going to be a process and not quick to get through... I still have some belongings there but think I will just count them as a loss. Had to communicate with him about picking the things up and he responded finally. But now I don't even want to see him or make things more difficult. He was very upset about me leaving. So much so that he kept telling me I was making mistake by leaving and that I didn't know what I was doing. Then he barely responded when I texted him about giving him the last bit of $for a joint bill we paid together. Another reason for his anger is that over the last few weeks of me being there I wouldn't have sex with him. He'd try and I'd kiss but wouldn't go all the way. I figured if things were this bad where I wanted to leave then I didn't need to have intercourse with him. He would catch an attititude and seem confused. So he refused to even hug me goodbye during my last day moving out. I suppose I'd be the same if the tables were turned and he were leaving me there. Thinking of that makes me more sad so I'll stop here~ Link to post Share on other sites
luvflower Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 How important are your belongings that you left? Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Actually I'm not even sure what the things are. I just know that I placed some things in the basement closet and hadn't touched them in almost a year so they must not be very significant. Hence me wanting to just leave them behind... I don't have the energy to deal with him and anything he may have to say. Before I left he was busy insulting me regarding me leaving to make me feel guilty. So I'd rather not even deal with him at all. Another frustration for him I think is that he mare sexual advances to me before I left, but I turned them down mainly because I started losing desire for him partially because of the tension and build up of negative thoughts of his verbal abuse and other baggage that he frequently tried to down play. Today was another day... Thought about our break up a few times then got distracted by work and the desire to get better /feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Thank you all for the feedback. I know its going to be a process and not quick to get through... I still have some belongings there but think I will just count them as a loss. Had to communicate with him about picking the things up and he responded finally. But now I don't even want to see him or make things more difficult. He was very upset about me leaving. So much so that he kept telling me I was making mistake by leaving and that I didn't know what I was doing. Then he barely responded when I texted him about giving him the last bit of $for a joint bill we paid together. Another reason for his anger is that over the last few weeks of me being there I wouldn't have sex with him. He'd try and I'd kiss but wouldn't go all the way. I figured if things were this bad where I wanted to leave then I didn't need to have intercourse with him. He would catch an attititude and seem confused. So he refused to even hug me goodbye during my last day moving out. I suppose I'd be the same if the tables were turned and he were leaving me there. Thinking of that makes me more sad so I'll stop here~ Hmmm. I can see how that might be frustrating for him during these already difficult times for you both but hopefully you don't allow yourself to feel guilty because you refused to fall into that trap... Sex can definitely complicate things during a break up. Stay strong and be proud of yourself~ Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 (edited) Going through similar thing for the very same reason. I think television is making "dissing" people and calling names okay, and doesn't show how often relationships break up because of put-downs. In my case, he walked away when I was trying to explain why I couldn't make an immediate decision on something. I got annoyed and went upstairs and spent much of the night awake about it because he didn't appear to be open to talking about it. When I did respectfully ask him how we could initiate conversation about a complaint, he rejected my efforts. Later he said I was "babbling" and that I was "inventing" problems (and more). All I would have said the night before was "I feel annoyed when you walk away when I am still talking." His derisive and disrespectful way of handling things (coupled with "I don't care") escalated to me leaving. This had been his second chance in 3 months to not do it. But he's disrespectful to anyone who gets in his way or frustrates him. A senior male (55+) acting like he's in high school, giving people the finger, etc. Of course he's not that way when he's getting what he wants - then things are great. But to hell with me if I have any complaints. So I can empathize and sympathize. Just that ONE trait was bad enough to make me leave. Edited July 31, 2014 by JourneyLady edit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 (edited) Going through similar thing for the very same reason. I think television is making "dissing" people and calling names okay, and doesn't show how often relationships break up because of put-downs. In my case, he walked away when I was trying to explain why I couldn't make an immediate decision on something. I got annoyed and went upstairs and spent much of the night awake about it because he didn't appear to be open to talking about it. When I did respectfully ask him how we could initiate conversation about a complaint, he rejected my efforts. Later he said I was "babbling" and that I was "inventing" problems (and more). All I would have said the night before was "I feel annoyed when you walk away when I am still talking." His derisive and disrespectful way of handling things (coupled with "I don't care") escalated to me leaving. This had been his second chance in 3 months to not do it. But he's disrespectful to anyone who gets in his way or frustrates him. A senior male (55+) acting like he's in high school, giving people the finger, etc. Of course he's not that way when he's getting what he wants - then things are great. But to hell with me if I have any complaints. So I can empathize and sympathize. Just that ONE trait was bad enough to make me leave. My heart goes out to you. How long have you been away from him so far? And How are you doing? Anyone else have any similar experience? He sounds almost identical to my guy,i.e. a 46 yr old man acting like a teenage boy throwing temper tantrums, cutting me off when Im talking, slamming doors when he doesn't like the sound of me calling him immature, yelling at me when basically he's jealous of an interaction with another male, young or old. However, he learned to get himself under control for a few weeks at a time then revert back to his tantrums. This became a huge turn off for me and drained my spirit... This last episode was the 3rd or 4 th time I said I would leave. Other times I never did, this time I did because I'm simply fed up with his mind games/manipulative behavior to try making me feel guilty for standing up for myself. So I left. Edited July 31, 2014 by surferchic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 My heart goes out to you. How long have you been away from him so far? And How are you doing? Anyone else have any similar experience? He sounds almost identical to my guy,i.e. a 46 yr old man acting like a teenage boy throwing temper tantrums, cutting me off when Im talking, slamming doors when he doesn't like the sound of me calling him immature, yelling at me when basically he's jealous of an interaction with another male, young or old. However, he learned to get himself under control for a few weeks at a time then revert back to his tantrums. This became a huge turn off for me and drained my spirit... This last episode was the 3rd or 4 th time I said I would leave. Other times I never did, this time I did because I'm simply fed up with his mind games/manipulative behavior to try making me feel guilty for standing up for myself. So I left. Been away since this morning. Broke my dang toe on the way out, so I'm largely housebound for the moment (I have my own place). No tears; I'm too angry and also mad at myself for falling for him in the first place; there was a red flag I ignored (the finger thing at other drivers). Actually I'm excited about a new project I'm working on in VR for the most part and making plans to have a mini-vacation. My (recent) ex doesn't slam doors - he's the silent withdrawal type and just gets mouthy and disrespectful if confronted. Otherwise he withholds affection if there's a problem = stonewalling. I went through five years of this with the previous ex, so I'm prepared to get over it. I think his ex's let him get away with this stuff. He dumped them and they are still trying to get him back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 Been away since this morning. Broke my dang toe on the way out, so I'm largely housebound for the moment (I have my own place). No tears; I'm too angry and also mad at myself for falling for him in the first place; there was a red flag I ignored (the finger thing at other drivers). Actually I'm excited about a new project I'm working on in VR for the most part and making plans to have a mini-vacation. My (recent) ex doesn't slam doors - he's the silent withdrawal type and just gets mouthy and disrespectful if confronted. Otherwise he withholds affection if there's a problem = stonewalling. I went through five years of this with the previous ex, so I'm prepared to get over it. I think his ex's let him get away with this stuff. He dumped them and they are still trying to get him back. Wow, ok i see. Good you have your own place. I feel mad with myself for moving in with him. I'm in a hotel now and it's getting pricey. I'm looking for an apartment. He refuses to sign a lease agreement to get me off the the lease so my name pops up as already being on a lease as I search for apts. He too,withholds affection when he's mad or embarrassed about being called on his "ish". Amazing similarities... He also said he has always left his ex's. They never left him. Well I guess I'm the first to break that cycle. I can't fake it with any man no matter what material things he gives me... Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 You both sound like strong willed women. Good for you. surferchic I wish you the best in finding a permanent place to stay and settle in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 Thanks muse08. I try to be strong about it. But it still hurts even though I left him... Its a bitter sweet situation. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Is there any chance he may be vindictive and try to harm you? Does he know where you're staying? Link to post Share on other sites
vichyfresh Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Hi surferchic, I'm slightly similar to your ex, although I've been dating my girl for more than 4 years. I'm also insecure and I tend to snap about it. If my GF gets mad or sad about it, I'd give her gifts and try to fix that etc.. Same pattern like yours. I'm doing my best to change, but I'm having some personal issues. Anyhow to your thread: if I were you man, I'd try once more, but breaking up just after the engagement is not a good things. It's shows no commitment :/ Did you tried to talk about the issues/problems that you don't like about him before your break up? Or was it out of the blue for him? Have you talked in the meanwhile? Are you in NC? Link to post Share on other sites
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